Chapter 1
mark twain's sixteen o one this is a conversation as it was by the social fireside in the time of the tudors memorandum the following is supposed to be an extract from the diary of the pepys of that day the same being queen elizabeth's cup-bearer he is supposed to be of ancient and noble lineage that he despises these literary canaille that his soul consumes with wrath to see the queen stooping to talk with such and that the old man feels that his nobility is defiled by contact with shakespeare c and yet he has got to stay there till her majesty chooses to dismiss him
yesternight took her majesty the queen a fantasy such as she sometimes has and had to her closet certain that do write plays books and the such like these being my lord bacon his worship sir walter raleigh mr ben johnson and the child francis beaumont which being but sixteen hath yet turned his hand to the doing of the latin masters into our english tongue with great discretion and much applause also came with these the famous shakespeare a right strange mix truly of mighty blood with men yet more in a special since the queen's grace was present as likewise these following to wit the duchess of bilgewater 22 years of age the countess of granby 26 her daughter the lady helen 15
as also these two maids of honor to wit the lady margaret boothy 65 and the lady alice dilbury turned 70 she being two years the queen's graces elder i being her majesty's cup bearer had no choice but to remain and behold rank forgot and the high hold converse with the low as upon equal terms a great scandal did the world hear thereof
in the heat of the talk it befell that one did break wind yielding an exceeding mighty and distressful stink whereat all did laugh full sore and then verily in mine eight and sixty years have i not heard the fellow to this fart it seemeth by the great sound and clamour of it it was male yet the belly it did lurk behind should now fall lean and flat against the spine of him that hath been delivered of so stately and so waste a bulk whereas the guts of them that do quiff-splitters bear stand comely still and round
prithee let the author confess the offspring will my lady alice testify good your grace an i had room for such a thunder-gust within mine ancient bowels tis not in reason i could discharge the same and live to thank god for that he did choose handmaid so humble whereby to show his power nay tis not i that have brought forth this rich o'ermastering fog this fragrant gloom so pray you seek the further mayhap the lady margery hath done the company this favour
so please you madam my limbs are feeble with the weight and droth of five and sixty winters and it behooveth that i be tender unto them in the good providence of god and i had contained this wonder forsooth would i have given the whole evening of my sinking life to the dribbling of it forth with trembling and uneasy soul not launched its sudden in its matchless might taking mine own life with violence rending my weak frame like rotten rags it was not i your majesty god's name who hath favoured us hath it come to pass that a fart shall fart itself not such a one as this i trow young master beaumont but no t would have wafted him to heaven like down of goose's body t was not the little lady helen nay never blush my child
thou'rt tickle thy tender maiden head with many a mousy squeak before thou learn'st to blow a hurricane like this wasn't you my learned and ingenious johnson so fell a blast hath ne'er mine ear saluted nor yet a stench so all-pervading and immortal t was not a novice did it good your majesty but one of veteran experience else had he failed of confidence in sooth it was not i my lord bacon not from my lean entrails hath this prodigy burst forth so please your grace nought doth so befit the great as great performance and haply shall ye find that tis not from mediocrity this miracle hath issued though ye subject be but a fart yet will this tedious sink of learning ponderously philosophize
meantime did the foul and deadly stink pervade all places to that degree that never smell either like yet dare i not to leave the presence albeit i was like to suffocate what saith the worshipful master shakespeare in the great hand of god i stand and so proclaim mine innocence though ye sinless hosts of heaven had foretold the coming of this most desolating breath proclaiming it a work of uninspired man its quaking thunders its firmament clogging rottenness his own achievement in due course of nature yet had not i believed it but had said the pit itself hath furnished forth the stink and heaven's artillery hath shook the globe in admiration of it there was a silence and each did turn him toward the worshipful sir walter raleigh that browned embattled bloody swashbuckler who rising up did smile and simpering say
most gracious majesty twas i that did it but indeed it was so poor and frail a note compared with such as i am wont to furnish that in sooth i was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a presence it was nothing less than nothing madam i did it but to clear my nether throat but had i come prepared then had i delivered something worthy bear with me please your grace till i can make amends then he delivered he himself of such a godless and rock shivering blast that all were fain to stop their ears and following it did come so dense and foul a stink that that which went before did seem a poor and trifling thing beside it then saith he faining that he blushed and was confused i perceive that i am weak to-day and cannot justice do unto my powers and sat him down as who should say there it is not much yet he that hathen arse to spare let him follow that and he think he can
by god that i were the queen i would even tip this swaggering braggart out of the court and let him air his grandeurs and break his intolerable wind before the death and such as suffocation pleaseth then fell they to talk about manners and customs of many people and master shakespeare spake of the book of the sir michael de montaigne wherein was mention of the custom of widows of perigord to wear upon the headdress
in sign of widowhood a jewel in the similitude of a man's member wilted and limber
whereat the queen did laugh and say widows in england do wear pricks too but betwixt the thighs
and not wilted neither till caution hath done that office for them master shakespeare did likewise observe how that the sir de montaigne hath also spoke of a certain emperor of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maiden heads in the compass of a single knight yet while his empress did entertain two and twenty lusty knights between her sheets yet was not satisfied whereat the merry countess granby said a ram is yet the emperor's superior saith way saith he will tup above a hundred years and after and after if he can have none more to shag
will masturbate until he hath enriched whole acres with his seed then spake ye damned windmill sir walter of a people in the uttermost parts of america that capulate not until they be five and thirty years of age the women being eight and twenty and do it then and do it then but once in seven years how doth that like my little lady helen shall we send thee thither and preserve thy belly please your highness's grace mine old nurse hath told me there are more ways of serving god than by locking the thighs together yes am i willing to serve him that way too since your highness's grace has set the example
god wounds a good answer child mayhap twill weaken when the hair sprouts below the navel nay it's sprouted two years since i can scarce more than cover it with my hand now hear ye that my little beaumont have ye not a little bird about you that stirs at hearing tale of so sweet a nest tis not insensible illustrious madam but mousing owls and bats of low degree may not inspire to bliss so wholming and ecstatic as is found in the downy nests of birds of paradise by the gullet of god tis a neat turned compliment with such a tongue as thine lad thou'lt spread the ivory thighs of many a willing maid in thy good time and thy codpiece be as handy as thy speech then spake the queen of how she met old rabelace when she was turned of fifteen and he did tell her of a man his father knew that had a double pair of bollocks whereon a controversy followed as concerning the most just way to spell the word the contention running high betwixt the learned bacon and the ingenious johnson until at least the old lady marguerite wearing of it all saith
saith gentles what mattereth it how ye shall spell the word i warrant ye when ye use your bollocks ye shall not think of it and my lady granby be ye content let the spelling be ye shall enjoy the beating of them on your buttocks just the same i trow before i had gained my fourteenth year i had learnt that them that would explore a cunt stopped not to consider the spelling of it in sooth when his shifts turned up delay is meet for naught but dalliance boccaccio hath the story of a priest that did beguile a maid into his cell then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly thankful for this tender maidenhead the lord had sent him but the abbot spying through the keyhole did see a tuft of brownish hair with fair white flesh about it wherefore when the priest's prayer was done
his chance was gone forasmuch as the little maid had but the one cunt and that was already occupied to her content then conversed they of religion and the mighty work the old dead luther did do by the grace of god then next about poetry and master shakespeare did read a part of his king henry the fourth the which it seemeth to me is not of the value of an arseful of ashes yet they praised it bravely one and all the same did read a portion of his venus and adonis to their prodigious admiration whereas i being sleepy and fatigued withal did deem it but paltry stuff and was the more discomfited in that the bloody buccania had got his wind again and did turn his mind to farting with such villain zeal that presently i was like to choke once more god damn this windy ruffian and all his breed i would that hell might get him
they talked about the wonderful defence which old sir nicholas strogmorton did make for himself before the judges in the time of mary which was unlucky matter to broach sit it fetched out a queen with a pity that he having so much wit had yet not enough to save his daughter's maidenhead sound for her marriage bade and the queen to give the damned sir walter raleigh a look that made him wince for she hath not forgot he was her own lover in the old day
there was silence and uncomfortableness now tis not a good turn for talk to take so if the queen must find a fence in a little harmless debauching when pricks were stiff and cunts not loath to take the stiffness out of them who of this company was sinless behold was not the wife of master shakespeare four months gone with child when she stood up before the altar
was not her grace of bilgewater rogered by four lords before she had a husband was not the little lady helen born on her mother's wedding day and behold were not the lady alice and lady marguerite there mouthing religion whores from the cradle
in time they came to discourse of cervantes and of the new painter rubens that is beginning to be heard of fine words and dainty wrought phrases from the ladies now one or two of them being in other days pupils of that poor arse lil himself
and i marked how that johnson and shakespeare did fidget to discharge some venom of sarcasm yet dared they not in the presence the queen's grace being the very flower of the euphuists herself but behold
these be they that having a speciality and admiring it in themselves be jealous when a neighbour does a say it nor can abide it in them long
wherefore t'was observable that the queen waxed uncontent and in time laboured grandiose speech out of the mouth of lady alice who manifestly did mightily pride herself thereon did quite exhaust the queen's endurance
who listened till the gaudy speech was done then lifted up her brows and with vast irony mincing saith oh shit whereat they all did laugh but not lady alice the old foolish bitch
now was sir water raleigh minded of a tale he once did hear the ingenious margaret of navarrese relate about a maid which being like to suffer rape by an old archbishop did smartly contrive a device to save her maidenhead and said to him first my lord i prithee take out thy holy tool and piss before me which doing lo his member fell and would not rise again end of sixteen o one or a conversation as it was by the social fireside in the time of the tudors by mark twain
