Chapter 15
How to Mix the Mother-Tongue by Anonymous from the Siren, University of Illinois at Urbana, monthly magazine. Read by Bologna Times. How to Mix the Mother-Tongue. A few phrases and how to use them.
We aim to please our readers. For this purpose we have secured a warm babe, a former insider, to interpret and illustrate a few of the latest fashions in slang. These will appear each month. I should worry.
A very new and novel effect in saying one thing and meaning the other. This phrase should be delivered in a guttural yet jovial tone and accompanied by an absolutely carefree and, if possible, inane expression of countenance. It means literally, sweet essence of joy, the world's sky blue. Nicks on that stuff.
From Nicks, Small Incisions and Stuffing. The Christmas Intestines of a Turkey. A late and pleasing perversion. It should be said in a nasal tone and emitted from the corner of the mouth. An effective accompaniment is a curt flip of one's hand on a level with the hip.
Practice this before the mirror. Translation. Cheez-it, kid. I'm curdling. String me, dear.
I'm beans. From String. Get me going. And beans. Off my lid.
Use this as a proposal speech. Its best setting is a dark and lonely porch furnished with one small settee. Said in a low voice, ringing with tenderness and pathos, this sentence is tremendously effective. Practice in the basement, or better still, try it on your sister.
Editor's Note. We hope our readers will take advantage of this column each month to improve their grasp of the English idiom. How to Mix the Mother Tongue. More meaningless expressions of importance.
I give a damn. Although not very naughty, still not very nice. Said with a shrug of the shoulders and a snap of the fingers, this sentence is a delightfully asinine substitute for its opposite. Say Diffidence is regarded by some as the best policy.
Kindly arouse the anti-cow from to cow to subdue and auntie, a donor of unforgettable scarves. A delicate and charming method of saying, shoot the oleo. Accompany this speech with a sugary and confiding smile to assure your hostess that you simply adore the white extract of suet.
Practice first on a spoonful of lard. Mangle kid, I'm tired of life. Or The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere. An absolutely irresistible invitation when used by a member of the feminine sex. This phrase originated in the soft depths of a taxi cab, but although the setting cannot
be bettered, a darkened room is a worthy substitute. The speaker should open her arms appealingly, but a pathetic droop in her voice and a sobbing catch in her throat. Opportunity offers, observe, the cooing of the rain dove. And rain.
All's fair in war. Practice on your brother-in-law. The exact meaning of the command is, whoops skirts, how I love those eyes. Editors note, this is the second installment of A Gumdrops, compendium of English idioms, watch and improve.
How to Mix the Mother Tongue. A symposium of scintillating sentences. Play with me hun, I'm kittenish. From the Persian cat and the Grecian play. To be used only by a member of the weaker sex.
The weaker, the weaker. The perpetrator should smile coyly and take two light and airy dance steps. The heavier she is, the more entertaining the phrase. Practice in low-heeled shoes. Try first on a barber's pole.
If it responds, the student may safely venture the phrase in public. Oh love, thou art a blushing rose. Derivation unknown. This is a most effective sentence when purred by a gentleman to the accompaniment of a lustrous moon and the soft breezing of a lovelorn lass.
Wait for a silence and break it with the above while gazing rapidly at the moon. This is extremely potent. Practice this on a punching bag. We do not guarantee immunity from personal injury. Punch me, I'm a member of the bovine union.
From punch, something humorous that the conductor does. And union, a species of garment. This is an invitation to physical combat. The occasion for its use may be safely left to the discretion of the student. If he be large, he can use it frequently.
If small, he should use it only on members of the feminine sex and then after deliberation. Try this on your roommate. He's kind and may not hurt you. The exact translation is, have some hair? I've got lots.
Here's a note. There are tricks in every trade. Learn to use your tongue by studying B. Happy's Symposium. Watch and improve. How to Mix the Mother Tongue.
A few Christmas compounds. By C.A. Pondbroker. Sweet ringing chimes, where is my purse? Ringer, an instrument for ringing most anything from anything. And parick, an epithet sometimes applied to human beings.
This expression may be used most any time after December 24. Its use is not limited by sex, age, politics, social position, matrimonial condition, nor the high cost of living. It is an utterance of deep despair and black despondency. Don't spoil a tragic moment by smiling.
Meaning, Christmas lasts for half a year. Accept these presents, oh imaging of loveliness. From presents, a legitimate something for next to nothing. And image, something that looks like you but isn't. The latest manner of expressing one's highest regards at this beautiful Christmas season.
This bit of sentiment is never regarded as mockish and is very pleasing when delivered with proper accompaniment. If you lisp, hang a sprig of holly on your lower lip. The translation of this speech is approximately, Stick kid, I'm syrupy.
Oh John, it's the nicest of all. Derivation unknown. John, in this sentence, is interchangeable with Bill, Jim, Reginald, or any other good spender. Used to best advantage by a member of the feminine sex.
The pupil should clasp her hands over her breast and jump up and down in childish glee. If a cripple or a perfect 67, the jumping may be omitted. Gratitude is the soul of Christmas. Great care should be taken not to insert the wrong name. These columns are not foolproof.
Practice this expression on a chewing gum machine. If you make it give twice, you are an accomplished pupil. Editor's notice. Merry Christmas, readers. We hope these swatting knees will bring joy to many hearts.
Watch and improve. Instead of How to Mix the Mother Tongue by Anonymous.
