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• 01 - ACT 1

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  The Duke of St. Kitts, read by Alan Mapstone Lord Robert Wickham, read by Greg Giordano Don Bowlby, M.P., read by Todd The Honorable Archibald Weiss, read by Kevin Brazel Jeff Cot, Butler, read by Wayne Cook

  Lady Sylvia Bowlby, read by Matea Bracic Violet Ainsley, read by Jen Broda Angela Muir, read by T.J. Burns Mrs. Cropper, read by Wendy Katzhiller Servant, read by Jim Hedrick

  Stage Directions, read by Michelle Eaton A Country Mouse, Act 1 Time, evening, scene Drawing Room in Lady Sylvia Bowlby's House in Park Lane Lady Sylvia and Violet Ainsley discovered

  Lady Sylvia is seated on vis-a-vis seat up left centre taking coffee cup from Jeff Cot who stands right of her with coffee service Violet is seated on chair down left with coffee cup in her hand

  Lighting Cigarette, which footman who stands left of her is handing her Angela Muir is heard playing a dreamy air on the piano in the inner room I think you'll find those cigarettes rather good A new kind? I fancy they are The footman hands cigarette to Lady Sylvia

  she takes one and lights it. Violet puffing out smoke Awfully nice and not too strong Do you inhale? Bob is trying to teach me but I don't get on very fast he says it's well worth learning

  Lady Sylvia smoking Yes, they're not half bad are they? Exit footman right followed by Jeff Cot A1, where did you get them? He sent me the box this morning

  Your husband? No One of the others? The other Which is that?

  Archie Mr Vice? Yes Oh, is he still? Still, he always was, he always is, he always will be

  How nice, does your husband know? I've not the least idea I suppose he would kick up a shine I hope he knows his place better than that My dear child, John Bowlby of Bowlby, Hooper and Coe's entire

  A man whose name is in guilt letters over the half the public houses in England You don't imagine for one moment he would presume to question my right to do as I please? He takes marriage easily? He takes it as he finds it But those kind of people, you'll forgive me dear, won't you?

  Those kind of people so often have old fashioned ideas as to the sanctity of the marriage tie He may have the prejudices of his class, I dare say I've no wish to deprive him of them, but he can't expect them to affect me in any way The piano stops Well, I'm glad you're so happily married

  And I'm curious to see Mr Bowlby Haven't you met my husband? Never Oh, he's here sometimes Indeed, I asked him to dine tonight, but he said he would be detained in the house

  They've got a debate on beer connected with glucose or arsenic or something And I believe they expect him to speak Is he a great speaker? Yes, in the House of Commons, not in mine But really, he's a very good fellow and I've nothing to complain of

  He doesn't care a bit how much money I spent I've never been out of debt since I married him What a dear man I was in Cairo, you know, when you were married Where did you pick him up?

  In Monte Carlo My father had lost a pot of money at the tables He was playing on a system by which he was bound to win in the long run Unluckily, he couldn't run long enough And on this particular night he was stony broke

  John happened to be staying at our hotel and my father made himself very agreeable John borrowed a few thousands from him only to lose them all the next day John was of course too delighted to be of use to a duke and never expected to be repaid But my dear old dad is absurdly punctilious in these matters So having no money, he paid him in kind

  In kind? Yes, he introduced him to me And now you are married and settled Unsettled darling, I've laid terribly unsettled Our friend Archie?

  Yes, he's tired of playing the role of the tame cat on the hearth rug and he wants me to run away with him My dear girl Of course I wouldn't tell everyone I suppose not But I can trust you

  Violet rises, crosses in front of Lady Sylvia and puts coffee cup on table right centre It won't do Sylvia, it's not good enough I'd have married him long ago but he had no money And what has he now? Leaning over back of sofa right centre

  Less than ever poor man Then how in the world? My husband settled 200,000 on me and I'm credibly informed that, in these cases, marriage settlements are not disturbed Hmm Coming down right end of sofa

  Mr. Bulby is reputed to have something like 50,000 a year, isn't he? About that And 200,000 means, let me see, about 8,000 a year That's rather a drop, isn't it? I believe in love in a cottage

  Rises and puts coffee cup on table right centre And a dinner of herbs? Sits on sofa Or no dinner at all, but tea and boiled eggs My sweet romantic friend, believe me, when boiled eggs come in at the door, love flies out at the window

  You're horribly mercenary Stands left end of sofa It is simply this, have I the right to destroy Archie's life? Am I justified in letting him go about the world with a haunted look in his eyes and a breaking heart? What about Mr. Bulby's heart?

  That could be easily riveted I would see that my father arranged with the Prime Minister to make him a baronet Look here Sylvia, do you really mean this? I don't know I'm thinking

  Take my tip and go on thinking Ah, you don't know what love is Go slowly to left centre Oh, don't I? Don't I? What do you suppose I sent you that note for today?

  Asking you to call me Mrs Ainsley before these people here tonight? Lady Sylvia going to sofa right centre Well, really, I didn't know and I have no idea now Because I'm in love with Bob Lord Robert Wickham?

  Sits on sofa beside Violet Yes What's that to do with it? Everything Don't you know that he's one of those men who are never attracted by an unmarried woman?

  And you have let him believe I'm married? Precisely Showing wedding ring on her finger Look, there is the magic circle which holds him fast

  It came about by accident The first time I met him my father was with me And somehow or other Bob got it into his head that my venerable dad was my husband I thought it was rather fun and didn't undeceive him Then, with very little preamble, for he doesn't lose time

  He assured me he had an insuperable objection to spinsters He spoke very nicely about it and said there was no real catch in a straight flat course And that the only true sport was an obstacle race He's sure to find you out Not if I'm careful

  Of course he wanted to call on me but I said no once for all And he thinks it's because I don't want him to meet my husband The piano begins And you've really lost your heart? Every scrap of it

  Do you meet him? Constantly He sends me such lovely letters Letters? That's giving you a hold over him Oh, he never signs them and they're always typewritten

  You won't catch Bob asleep I doubt if you'll catch him at all To use the bur vernacular Lord Bob is remarkably slim Quite so At the same time, I am not unproficient in guerrilla tactics myself

  Well, I wish you luck, dearest Thanks, darling Lady Sylvia listening How charmingly your cousin blows Rises and goes slowly left

  Violet lies back and puts her feet upon sofa Doesn't she? I'm awfully fond of Angela She's so amusingly unsophisticated Such a dear little country mouse Is she staying with you long?

  No, she goes home in a few days She lives with her aunt, you know, in a sweet little cottage Near Dorking All honeysuckle and roses and creepers and things How delightful

  I feel sometimes I could be quite happy in leading a peaceful idyllic existence Sits on chair down left I know that feeling It comes at the end of the season and lasts about three weeks Murmur of voices outside

  Ah, here are the men They've not hurried themselves, I must say No, they've taken their time Pointing at Violet's feet Why? Why, dear?

  The piano stops What? You're showing a good deal of stocking Yes, but I'm not supposed to know it Enter the Duke of St Kitts

  Mr. Vease and Lord Robert Wickham, right They are all laughing heartily Yes, and all this time she was in the window behind the curtains, ha ha Laughs and goes left centre upstage Vease, upstage centre

  No, no, ha ha ha ha She was, they found one of her shoes there, ha ha ha Lord Robert, upstage right centre, laughs You ought to send it to the pinken, ha ha ha ha Well, you all seem very merry

  What's the joke? Oh, nothing, only one of the Duke's stories Oh, do let us hear it No, certainly not Rises, Lord Robert going to back of sofa right centre

  I've been telling the Duke, he ought to write his reminiscences I hope he'll do nothing of the kind Goes up centre I wish he would, I'm so fond of reading the lives of great men The book would sell like wildfire

  Joins Lady Sylvia up centre If I could find a publisher Oh, you'd find a publisher fast enough, the question is whether the libraries would take it I tell you what, write it in French, French cover is a multitude of obstacles Comes to left end of sofa right centre

  That's a deuce good notion Sits on couch up left, violet to the Duke Don't forget to send me a copy To Lord Robert who is standing beside her looking at her feet on the couch Do you want to sit down?

  Oh, pray don't move I thought you were looking for a seat My eyes are where my heart is, at your feet Violet quickly putting her feet down How very pretty

  They are Sits beside her Do you know I was half afraid your husband might be here tonight? Oh no, I never bring my husband with me, besides of course tonight I Expected me?

  Violet coolly Did I? I forget No you don't, you knew perfectly well I was coming How could I know? You had my note this morning

  I get so many notes Why you told me no one wrote to you but I What a lot of stories I tell don't I? Duke to Lady Sylvia What's become of Miss Muir?

  The piano begins She's in the next room On her own? The poor child will think we are deserting her Going left I'll go and

  No Rises and stops vis You stop and talk to Sylvia You sat next to Miss Muir at dinner You've had your innings, now it's my turn

  Exit left upper exit Violet aside to Lord Robert I fancy our friend Archie is going to catch it Rises and goes up stage with Lord Robert, they stand by fireplace Lady Sylvia to Vis

  I thought we were never going to get a word together tonight Vis looking after the Duke I hope he's not going to talk the usual rot to her You stayed so long in the dining room One comfort is she won't understand him

  Lady Sylvia slightly annoyed Yes, well, never mind The piano stops suddenly in the middle of a bar She's so simple and childlike, so absolutely and artificial Lady Sylvia sarcastically

  Quite refreshing, isn't it? I never met such wonderful innocence upon my soul, she She frightens me I don't think you have any real grounds for alarm Vis turning to her

  I wonder what she thinks of us Perhaps she'll confide her impressions in my father You may trust him to draw her out He's... he's... A wicked old man, quite so

  We're a very wicked family Ever since we came over with the Conqueror, we've enjoyed the distinction of being exceptionally bad Slight pause Archie, I've been almost, shall I say, dreading this evening You mean?

  I promised I would give you my answer tonight Vis confused Yes, yes It's an awful step for a woman to take Go slowly to right

  Yes Follows her Every harpenny gutter rag will have its own particular starring headline Yes And the sixpenny weaklies will have us on toast

  Yes Lord Robert and Violet sit on couch up left Then there's another thing Yes Lady Sylvia at sofa right centre

  When poor dear Marion Stembridge left her husband, he revenged himself in the most ungentlemanly manner by declining to sue for a divorce in spite of her writing him a charming letter assuring him she would not defend the case Beast Yes Do you think Boldly might behave badly too?

  I don't know Sits on sofa right centre I say, look here, you know Sits beside her on sofa Have no right to let you risk it

  But if I am willing That doesn't excuse me to allow you to run such a, oh, it would be infernally dishonourable But my dear Archie I must think of my honour I'd no idea you were so imaginative

  If I didn't care for you so much No, please don't quote these stupid old lines I could not love thee dear so much loved I not honour more When Tennyson wrote Lovelace, lovelace

  Well, whoever it was, he didn't know what he was talking about Archie, this question is not for you to decide It must rest with me Enter the Duke and Angela Muir left upper entrance You've not seen it?

  Bless my soul you don't say so Have you been to the Joloty Theatre? No Oh, you must go It's a ripping play

  The Fly Away Girl Capital Music Pretty Faces And the best show of leg, erm, er, feet in London Really?

  But perhaps you don't care for the theatres I do, very much But you see I live in the country Violet and Lord Robert rise And you bring the fragrance with you

  To the others Miss Muir is so delightfully pastoral So greasy and grassy and Buttercup-y But we are not out of the world, you know

  Sits on vis-a-vis centre Violet to Lord Robert Miss Muir lives in Surrey Sits in chair down left Lord Robert comes down a little right centre

  And we are only a mile from Dorking which is quite a nice town Where they frequently have entertainments in the town hall Is that so? Oh yes Last month we had a conjure

  And not long before that a panorama of Jerusalem And in our own little village we're very gay sometimes There's the annual concert after the Harvest Thanksgiving And on Christmas Eve we have a lecture from the vicar with a magic lantern How exciting!

  It is, very We all sit in a dark room, you know And every now and then somebody screams I don't know why but they do Hysteria I suppose

  Pinching I imagine Vis rises and goes centre as if to sit beside Angela That is anticipated by the duke Who quickly crosses behind her And sits right of her on vis-a-vis

  Vis turns up stage annoyed And then comes down left And stands right of Violet Lord Robert sits beside Lady Sylvia on sofa right centre Next Tuesday we are to have the school children's treat

  When we shall run races and play games Kiss the ring? Oh, do you know it? I've not played it for some time I could soon teach you the rules

  No, could you? Will you ask me then? Will you? Oh, we should be too pleased I'm sure my aunt would be delighted

  Duke aside to Angela We'll talk of this again Violet, did Miss Muir say she was going home on Tuesday? Yes, her time is rather short So we are doing all we can in the meantime

  We are going to the zoological gardens tomorrow, aren't we Violet? No, on Thursday dear There's so much to see And London is such a large place there seems to be no end to it There's only one

  The West End Really? But it's all so full of interest I can't fancy anything more delightful than to be able to spend one's days at Westminster Abbey

  And the Tower Or the British Museum To the Duke I suppose you often go to the British Museum Frequently

  Aside to her I'll meet you there on Friday if you like Oh But are you sure it won't inconvenience you? Not at all

  I've nothing on If I had I'd put it off Violet rising Now then Sylvia What are we going to do?

  Anything you please Rises What would you like to do? Lord Robert rises Suppose we play bridge?

  That's the game Duke rises To Angela Do you play it? No

  Rises Duke to the others She doesn't know it But you mustn't mind me Turns upstage with Vise

  Who whispers to her Yes, yes To the others What do you say to roulette? Ah, roulette

  Come along Mrs Ainsley Goes upstage with Violet and off Left upper exit Lord Robert crossing left with Lady Sylvia Oh, is it in there?

  Yes Goes upstage with Lord Robert Angela secretly slips her fan behind a cushion on the sofa right Lord Robert to Lady Sylvia I met your husband today

  Indeed, I've not seen him for a long time How was he looking? Very fit, I thought Exit left upper exit Lady Sylvia at top of steps

  Are you coming Miss Muir? Vise looking about him up centre Miss Muir has dropped a fan somewhere Angela right centre Please don't wait Lady Sylvia

  Looking about her Lady Sylvia looks at Angela and Vise and goes off Left upper exit Vise going to Angela At last

  Down centre Why did you ask me to pretend to lose my fan? Takes fan from behind cushion You don't know? I've been trying to guess

  And can't you? I thought you must have some good reason But no, it quite puzzles me I wanted an excuse for staying behind with you Angela as if puzzled

  Oh, oh you wanted Oh, I'm afraid you must think me very dull and stupid I'm a little slow at taking things in But you see I live in the country I never met anyone like you before

  That's what the Duke said He said I wasn't like anyone else And that he would back me for a monkey against the field I don't know what he meant But I thought it was very nice of him

  Goes slowly to sofa right centre and sits Vise looks towards left upper exit And seeing the coast is clear goes to her But you want to play, what do they call it? Roulette? No I don't

  Angela moving a little right to make room for him on sofa You're sure I'm not keeping you? Vise sitting beside her No Earnestly

  I wish I had met you before Thank you Are you engaged? Not just at present What? Then you have been

  Yes, a good deal Oh, I thought I hoped I don't think I quite I asked you if you were engaged to be married

  Oh good gracious no I'm far too young to be married And far too good For anyone Can one be too good to marry?

  You would be awfully good to marry But I think married people are always good I'm sure those I've met in London have been extremely good Particularly the husbands Who have all said they would do anything for me

  Do you know what you are? A wildflower A little riverside forget-me-not that is strayed by mistake into the stifling torrid atmosphere of a forcing house Meaning London? Yes, the men here

  These men who say all kinds of things to you and don't mean the half of them Take my advice and don't trust a single man you meet Angela, assuming astonishment Not one? No

  Except you Except me, of course I'm quite sure you are very different from the others I hope so You attracted me from the first

  When I took you down to dinner the touch of your hand on my arm sent a thrill up to my shoulder Your subtle influence began to stir me with the soup When we reached the entree I felt a distaste for everything else and I couldn't look at the sweets It would have been mockery with you beside me Angela, very shyly

  Huh, and I was enjoying my dinner all the time, little knowing But you know now Angela, you have completely transformed me I'm very glad I feel a better man when I'm with you

  Leans back a little, Angela dropping her eyes and moving slightly nearer him Then you ought to be with me as much as possible, aren't you? That's what I was thinking What? What are your engagements? Well, on Thursday I'm going with Violet to the zoological gardens

  And on Friday the Duke of St. Kitts has promised to take me to the British Museum No, no Rises You mustn't go Angela, surprised

  Why? It would be shocking The British Museum? I thought it was quite a proper place It isn't the place

  Goes centre It's the Duke Turns up centre Angela, wonderingly Oh, he seems very nice

  Yes, but he isn't Comes down and leans over back of sofa a little right of her You're so ingenuous, you don't understand these things Of course, I'm only a simple girl I've had very little experience

  You see, I live in the country She looks up at him and he bends his head as if to kiss her At which she drops her eyes and withdraws slightly to left Pause Yes, well, it's not the correct thing for a girl to meet a man alone

  Really? No Comes round right of sofa It's one of those things that society bars, so it's never done, openly Well now

  Sits right of her on sofa Have you anything on tomorrow? Do you ever ride in the mornings? I have nothing to ride Can't you ride one of your cousin's horses?

  I'm a little afraid of strange animals Now, if I only had my dear old donkey with me Vis amused Good gracious, you couldn't ride a donkey in the park? Couldn't I?

  He's perfectly quiet and wouldn't kick anyone But Violet and I very often play croquet in the mornings Do you play croquet? Yes, rather I'm sure Violet would be very pleased if you came over tomorrow

  Delighted It's really very good of you Good of me? It's awfully good of you I'm so sick of these women one meets every day with their brainless chatter and their soulless faces They bore me to death with their inanity and their piddity, but you, ah

  There's a restfulness and fragrance about you that make me feel like a Sunday afternoon in a hayfield Lady Sylvia off stage Alright, play for me, I won't be a minute Vis and Angela rise on hearing her voice and Vis snatches Angela's fan from her and slips it behind cushion

  Angela goes up centre Vis quickly I see, what time tomorrow? About twelve Twenty-seven Wrexham Gardens, isn't it?

  Yes Enter Lady Sylvia left up at entrance Vis pulling cushion away and disclosing fan By Jove, here it is, I declare Holds up fan Lady Sylvia with intention

  Oh, you found the fan at last Yes, behind the cushion Gives fan to Angela Oh, thanks so much What a hunt you've had, haven't you?

  Yes, I thought we would never find it So did I Vis aside Damn Turns up to fireplace, Lady Sylvia down left

  Well, roulette is in full swing and Miss Meara is losing all the fun Enter John Bowlby right John Ah, Bowlby Is the debate over?

  Yes How are you, Vis? To Lady Sylvia Yes, it finished early and there was no other business of importance So I thought I'd come home for a change

  Lady Sylvia to Angela This is my husband Introducing them John, Miss Meara Vis comes down to Lady Sylvia

  Bowlby shaking hands How do you do, Miss Meara? Sorry I couldn't accept my wife's invitation to dinner tonight But I'm so tied to the house Angela sympathetically

  Oh, haven't you been well? Bowlby smiling I mean the House of Commons Angela smiling Oh, how very stupid I am

  Bowlby and Angela go right and stand talking apart Lady Sylvia going up left with Vis I've made up my mind, Archie I've decided at last I was sure you would see it in the true light

  I've treated you badly No, no They stop at foot of steps But I feel I can't spoil your life You mustn't mind me

  And so, and so dear you shall take me away Vis aghast But Sylvia There is a little laugh from Bowlby and Angela Shh, don't say anything more now

  I'll send you a note tomorrow Goes quickly up steps and off left upper exit Vis stands looking after her aghast And then quickly follows her off left upper exit I never forget her face

  And I know yours perfectly I don't see how Because I live in the country And that's where I've seen you You live in dorking, don't you?

  Angela crossing left Near dorking Well, I've met you in the town more than once I go down there every now and then Because our brewery is there

  You must have seen the place Bowlby, Hooper and Company Oh Are you Bowlby, Hooper and Company? Part of them

  Really? We always have your beer Aunt Sarah has a four and a half gallon cask In every three months That's very good of her

  I hope, by a strict attention to business To ensure a continuance of her patronage They laugh And how long have you known my wife, Miss Muir? Angela sits in chair left

  I've not met her till this evening I'm staying with my cousin, Violet Ainsley And as she was coming to dinner here tonight Lady Sylvia very kindly asked her to bring me with her What other men are here besides Mr. Vice?

  The Duke of St. Kitts and A Lord Robert Wickham A Lord Robert? The Lord Robert? Oh

  Is he a very famous man? Well, famous is not quite the word But it's very near it I think, Miss Muir You don't know very much of London life, do you?

  No, I'm very backward But I'm gradually acquiring a good deal of information Hmm It's a pity I mean, you'll forgive me, won't you?

  But you impress me as being different from other young ladies And although I've no right to advise you Will you give me the privilege of Angela Rising I'm so sorry

  But I'm engaged tomorrow, Thursday and Friday Bowlby puzzled I beg your pardon? I meant to say that if you'll take my advice You'll be content with your life in the country

  Hah I think it's tremendously good of you to take so much interest in me It is because you make me feel A better man? What?

  Turns away to conceal a smile Oh, nothing, I interrupted you Sit some vis-a-vis You make me feel that you are still unsophisticated, unspoiled Of course, there are heaps of nice people in London, but

  Well, there are different sets And it would be a thousand pities if you were to fall into the wrong one That's why Violet was so anxious for me to meet Lady Sylvia She said her set was better known than any other in town And that if you once got into it, you never got out of it

  That is certainly true Then I'm sure I'm a very fortunate girl I think Lady Sylvia's perfectly charming, don't you? But of course you do, because you're her husband Yes, oh, yes

  Goes right, Angela rises Enter Lady Sylvia Vis Violet, the Duke And Lord Robert

  Left upper entrance Lady Sylvia and Violet are wearing their opera cloaks And Violet is carrying Angela's We shall be in lots of time for the last ballet It isn't home till eleven

  We shall be there in ten minutes Miss Muir, we are all going to the Empire to see the new ballet You'd like to come, wouldn't you? Goes up stage with Vis I shall be delighted

  I said you would, dear Aside to Duke Who is that? Duke looking at Bulby That? It's only Bulby

  Takes Angela's cloak from Violet Really? Duke to Bulby Ah, John, back from the house, John Couldn't keep away any longer, eh?

  Enter Jeffcott, the butler, right upper entrance The Hamsoms are at the door, my lady Exit right upper exit Hamsoms? Yes, we couldn't wait for the carriage

  Vis comes down to Angela So we're going to and to Goes quickly to Angela's centre to intercept Vis Miss Muir, I'll take care of Miss Muir Puts cloak round her shoulders as they go left together

  Oh, thank you so much Stands left with the Duke while he fastens her cloak for her Vis at down right with Lady Sylvia I say, you people, whoever gets there first Must wait in the foyer or we shall miss each other

  Lady Sylvia aside to Vis That wouldn't be at all a bad idea To miss each other Exit with Vis door right Lord Robert going right with Violet

  How do you do, Bulby? Good night Bulby mechanically Good night Exeunt Lord Robert and Violet door right Angela going with her arm in the Duke's

  By the by, are you fond of croquet? They stop centre Croquet? Why, what about croquet? Nothing, only Violet and I frequently play it in the mornings around 12 o'clock Duke jumping at it

  Do you, my Jove? Violet would be awfully pleased to see you Our address is 27 Wrexham Gardens The Duke chuckles as they go quickly to door right Duke stopping at door right

  I say, you're not afraid of a handsome, are you? Not in the least If you are, sit tight and cling to me Thank you, I will Exit with Duke door right, Bulby goes slowly to left

  Enter Jeffcott door right Is there anything I can get you, sir? No thanks, Jeffcott I shall be going to bed soon Jeffcott after a pause

  Mr John Bulby turns A big pardon, sir Mr John takes me back, Jeffcott It slips out sometimes, sir

  Naturally, after how long is it? Thirty-two years, sir Is it? By Jove Yes, sir, I lived seven and twenty with your father and going on five with you That's what I was about to say

  I'm not as young as I was, sir I'm getting a bit old and my joints are beginning to find me out Look here, Jeffcott You're not going to give me notice I'm afraid I must, sir

  I'm very sorry to hear that And I'm sorry to do it But your age, is it only that? It's partly that, sir Well?

  You'll forgive me if speaking plainly, sir? Of course, go on Sits on chair left You see, Mr John I'm what you may call old-fashioned in a manner of speaking

  I'm used to old ways and can't drop into new ones And no fault of yours, sir, of course But your marriage has altogether upset me Bowlby taking cigar case from pocket And so you want to give notice?

  Yes, sir Goes to table right centre for match box Bowlby to himself I wish I could To Jeffcott

  I shall miss you I shall miss you terribly You're one of my earliest recollections Upon my soul, you know You're one of the family

  And it will be like losing a relation Jeffcott gives match box to Bowlby I shall feel the parting too, sir Then why go? Strikes match and lights his cigar

  With all respect, Mr John I'm afraid for my reverences The house ain't what it was since her ladyship came You still say grace before meat But we've dropped family prayers and

  We play the piano and ping-pong on Sundays I've endeavoured to live respectable all my life and With your permission, sir, I should Like to make a respectable end Don't you think you might put up with it a little longer?

  I've got to put up with a good deal altogether I know you have, sir Somehow, I don't see many of my old friends now And if you go, I shall hardly have a creature to speak to Come, Jeffcott, a little longer

  Try a little longer Jeffcott pours Very well, Mr John, I will Ah, that's right Take cigar from case

  Dig a cigar, Jeffcott Oh, no, sir, excuse me Nonsense, man Giving him cigar Take it

  Jeffcott takes cigar Why, Jeffcott, it was you who caught me smoking my first cigar Do you remember? Like as if it was yesterday And you told my father

  I did, sir And he gave me a thrashing Ah, those were happy days, sir Bowlby reaches for chair behind him and places it right of his own Bowlby pointing to chair

  Sit down, Jeffcott Really, Mr John, I Sit down You're very good, sir Sits right of Bowlby

  I shan't go to bed for half an hour So we'll have a nice cosy chat over old friends and old times Taking up matchbox You want a light Oh, I used the last match

  Jeffcott about to rise I'll go end No, here you are Knocks off the ash of his cigar against the heel of his boot And holds cigar towards Jeffcott

  Take a light from mine Jeffcott lights his cigar at Bowlby's As the curtain slowly falls Act drop End of Act 1

• 02 - ACT 2

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  Act Two of A Country Mouse by Arthur Law This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Act Two. Time. The following morning. Scene. Drawing Room at Mr Ainsley's. Wrexham Gardens, Kensington. Violet Ainsley discovered seated at writing table left, looking over typewritten letter. Violet reading letter.

  And so I feel I can't go to bed till I have written you a line, darling. For I am wakeful tonight, and the click of the typewriter has a soothing effect and will send me to sleep when I shall dream of you and our future with its delightful uncertainty. Did I tell you I had a horrible nightmare the other night? I dreamt your husband was dead and that you were what the world calls free. Ah, dearest, that is not the sort of freedom you and I desire, is it? No, no. If you were unhappily single, the blossom of our love would indubitably perish, unless indeed I were to marry someone else. But there, I am becoming sentimental. So one more whiskey and soda, and then good night. She folds letter. Dear old Bob, what romantic ideas he has about marriage. I wonder if I am the only recipient of these fervid epistles. If that typewriting machine of his could speak. Hmm. Yes, there might be a good deal of amusement combined with considerable instruction in the love letters of a typewriter.

  Angela Muir appears on the balcony centre. From left, she is carrying a croquet mallet. Nobody put in an appearance yet? No, not yet. Busy's herself folding notes, addressing envelopes, etc. all through the following dialogue. Angela, coming down stage. I wish they'd come. I'm tired of knocking the balls about by myself. And I'm in great form this morning.

  Violet smiling. It strikes me you were in great form last night. Last night? You amused the Duke awfully. Angela wonderingly.

  Did I? And Mr. Vice, too. Ha, fancy. I'm sure they were wonderfully good-natured. They both offered to drive me home in a hansom, and they got quite animated about it. Oh, they were so merry, and made such fun of each other. Mr. Vice said goat, and the Duke said lamb. At least it sounded like lamb. Violet smiling. You dear pet. Well, Mr. Vice won, didn't he?

  Won? It was he who drove you home. Yes. We had rather an eventful drive. The horse was a little fresh, and Mr. Vice said the cabman was, too. I was rather nervous at times. But he held me quite firmly and said if it came to the worst, we would die in each other's arms. How romantic. One last fond embrace. No. That was on the doorstep.

  Goes a little to right. What? Angela turning. It was quite accidental on my part. He said, oh, look at the moon, and I looked up, and he kissed me. Violet laughing.

  Oh, oh, Angela. I told him, dear. Going to Violet. I told him I only kissed my relations in the country, but he said it was quite usual in London where people were more friendly. You're a dear sweet little goose. I wonder if you are able to take care of yourself.

  Angela going right. There's no necessity while everyone looks after me as they do. Do you know that you're making someone frightfully jealous? Jealous? Puts Mallet on couch right center.

  Yes. Oh, Violet. Are you, are you in love with Mr. Vice? Sits on couch right center. Violet laughing. Oh, dear, no. Then whom do you mean?

  Sylvia. Lady Sylvia. But she couldn't be jealous of me. Why not? Because she's married. Yes, but not to Mr. Vice.

  Rises and goes up left center. Mr. Bowlby is a very nice man and I believe an excellent brewer. But, well, it was not a love match on her side. Angela rising and going to her. Then why did she marry him?

  Sits in armchair left center. Angela sits on arm of the chair. The Duke owed Mr. Bowlby money and induced Sylvia to accept him as a settlement in full. You see, when a parent is in difficulties, a daughter is very often a valuable asset. There were the Bassing Hams, for instance. Poor Lord Charlie and his wife were in desperately low water.

  So what did they do? They went carefully through the commercial directory, made a selection of probable buyers, and disposed of their five girls to such advantage that they are now quite happy and comfortable. This is all very new and strange. Oh, people in our set have realized for some time that daughters are exceedingly profitable.

  So much so that nowadays it's becoming quite fashionable to have large families of girls. Well, this certainly opens up a promising vista to us poor things. The Duke was speaking to me last night about my future. Rises. He is very much interested in the future of young girls,

  and he asked me to come to him whenever I was in doubt or difficulty. Violet sarcastically. That was very sweet of him. Yes, wasn't it? Goes up center.

  He said the employment of unmarried women was becoming a very grave question, and he seriously thought we should have to revert to the days of King Solomon. Exit on balcony center to left. I'm beginning to entertain doubts, my dear young friend, as to the absolute genuineness of your beautiful simplicity.

  Enter manservant Dawright, followed by the Duke of St Kitts. His Grace, the Duke of St Kitts. Exit, Violet rises and meets the Duke center. Good morning, good morning. Not late, am I? Violet shaking hands.

  No, you're in capital time. Mr. Vice hasn't arrived yet. Vice? Is he coming? Yes. I can't stand that man. Why did you ask him? I didn't. It was my cousin, Angela.

  He utters an ejaculation of disgust. You see, you do want two couples for a proper game, don't you? And I fancy she thought Mr. Vice would be useful to pair off with me. She goes to writing table left, and stands while putting letter in envelope. Duke taken in by her.

  Yes, yes, I see. Quite so. Miss Muir is such a sweet, ingenuous little thing. It would be a thousand pities if she were to get into the wrong hands. And with so many unscrupulous men about, I don't want to run down my own sex. But look at Vice.

  Violet with feigned apprehension going to him. You don't mean that he is... A bad lot. A very bad lot. Dear, dear. No principle. No conscience where women are concerned.

  No, don't be afraid. I won't enlarge. Now, dear little Angela, I must call her Angela. I'm sure she would like it. Goes back to writing table. She's just the kind of unsuspecting girl to be taken in by a specious rascal like Vice.

  I'm afraid she needs guiding. She does, Begad. What the poor child wants is the advice and counsel of some good, kind, motherly old soul who... Goes to him. You must talk to her.

  Duke, quickly. What? I mean, as we have not got a nice old lady, we must do the best we can with you. Oh, yes. Looking round room.

  I say, have any flowers come this morning? Flowers? Goes back to writing table, sits and addresses envelope. Yes, I ordered some to be sent round from the florist. That's very nice of you. No, they've not come yet.

  I suppose she's fond of flowers. She? Miss Muir. Oh, I thought you meant they were for me. You? Oh, no, no.

  Chuckles. Certainly not. Sits on couch right centre. I always play the game. I should never think of poaching on Wycombe's preserves.

  Violet, with pretended coldness, rising. Hadn't we better go and join Angela in the garden? Goes up centre. Duke rises. By all means. But I say, you and Wycombe?

  Sylvia told me last night to call you Mrs Ainsley before him. And I guessed why. Very clever, very smart. Can I trust you to say nothing? May I hope you will continue to play the game?

  To be sure. They go up stage. But I've seen for some time what was going on. Oh, I keep my eyes open. Yes, and my ears too.

  Chuckles. I heard him last night at the Empire. What did you hear? I and the others had just come out of the box, and you and Wycombe were left behind for a minute.

  To put on my cloak. Quite so. Chuckling. And then I heard him distinctly. Heard him?

  Duke chuckling. Oh, haha, I know that sound. Sound? Yes. Violet, with great dignity.

  You are entirely mistaken. He was striking a match. Exit on balcony centre to left, followed by the Duke chuckling and shaking his head. Enter servant door right, showing in vis. The servant is carrying a basket of very beautiful flowers.

  Servant announcing vis. Mr Vis. Seeing the room is empty. Oh, the ladies are in the garden, sir. Are they alone?

  Left centre. No, sir. His Grace, the Duke of St Kitts, is with them. Puts basket of flowers on table right and goes up stage. Has he been here long?

  Only a few minutes, sir. Did he? Point to flowers. Bring those flowers with him. No, sir. They have just come from the florists.

  They are for Miss Muir, sir. Exit on balcony centre to left, vis going right. Humpf! If it isn't St Kitts, who the deuce can have sent them to her? She doesn't know anyone, at least hardly anyone. Puts his hat on table right.

  Oh, here's a card. Looks at card tied to handle of basket. Dammit! It is the old beast. Now why the devil didn't I think of sending some? Enter servant centre.

  Will you please step into the garden, sir? Vis musing. Eh? What? Yes, all right. I'll come directly. You'd needn't wait. Yes, sir.

  Goes to door right. Here, one moment. Does Miss Muir know these flowers have come? Oh, dear me, sir. I quite forgot to. Turning to go back. No, no, never mind.

  Sir? Don't trouble about it. I'll tell her. Oh, thank you, sir. Exit door right. Vis takes a card from his card case, takes the duke's off the basket and substitutes his own.

  There. Crumpling up the duke's card and putting it in his trouser pocket. Exchange is no robbery and I'm sure mine looks very much prettier. Angela outside. No, no, I won't let you fetch it.

  Vis quickly picks up Angela's mallet from couch and comes down right. Duke outside. Very well, then. We'll fetch it together. Enter Angela and the duke's centre from left. But I'm giving you so much trouble.

  Vis turning and handing croquet mallet to Angela. Is this what you were looking for? Right. Oh, Mr. Vice, thank you, yes. Takes mallet.

  We've been waiting for you to begin the game. Right centre. Duke to Vis. You're to be Miss Ainsley's partner. Coming down left centre. She's far and away the best player, so we handicap her by giving her you.

  Angela to Duke. But I am sure you are a capital player yourself. Duke pleased. Well... He ought to be. He's had a lot of practice.

  Not lately. No, I mean all those years before I was born. Goes down right. The duke glares at Vis. Oh, what lovely flowers. Goes to table right.

  Ah, whom are they intended for, I wonder? For Violet, I suppose. For Miss Muir, the servant said. Angela looking at flowers. For me?

  Duke chuckling to himself. Sent by some admirer, I imagine. That goes without saying. But who, who can it be? Takes up basket.

  Have you no idea? Left centre. Vis earnestly. Can't you guess? No, I... Putting her nose to the flowers and coming down centre.

  Oh, how delicious. How perfectly exquisite. Who could have sent them? I wish I knew. Isn't there a card somewhere? There's generally a card. Angela seeing card.

  Oh, of course, yes. Here it is. And whose is it? Duke chuckling. Show it him. Goes left.

  Show him the card. Turns up stage, rubbing his hands and chuckling. Angela to Vis. Yours. Oh, how very good of you. Duke turning.

  Not at all. Not at all. Oh, but it is. Then it was a happy thought. Angela smelling flowers. It's really awfully sweet of you.

  Goes up centre, looks off to left and holds up basket. Violet, violet, look dear. Duke goes to Vis right. I heard her say last night she was fond of flowers. And the first thing this morning you see, the early bird, Vis, the early bird.

  Sits on couch right centre and laughs. You seem very fit this morning. Sits right of Duke on couch right centre. I am. Never fitter. Laughs immoderately.

  Angela going to table right with basket. Mmm. I must put you in water soon. Oh, you darlings. The men jump up quickly as if she meant them. The Duke goes up centre. Duke aside. A deuce lucky thought of mine by Jove.

  Poor Vis. Ha ha. Poor Vis. Exit centre to left, chuckling to himself. I wonder I didn't notice your card at first. Vis going up to right of table.

  I'm glad he thought of putting it there. Between ourselves, if it hadn't been for that, the Duke is quite capable of pretending that he sent them. Oh, but not really. Oh, you don't know him. What is he doing here now at this ungodly hour?

  Why, it's past twelve. And he never gets up before two. Then he must be very fond of croquet to come so early today. Puts a flower in his buttonhole. Ah, your wonderful simplicity and absolute ignorance of the world are so beautiful that it makes me look back on my past life with positive hatred.

  Are you what they call a person with a past? Why, what do you know of a person with a? Nothing. Only I seem to have heard the phrase somewhere. They go centre. If I had only known you five years ago, I should have been another man.

  But then I shouldn't have had the present satisfaction of feeling that I'm helping you now. Goes to armchair left centre. Helping me, yes. To start afresh. To lead a new life. Do you think you can manage it all by yourself? Sits in armchair left centre. Vis going to her.

  No, with someone beside me. Since I've met you, or my old friends that is tasteful to me, I see the hollowness, the utter emptiness of their frivolous lives. Angela rises. I may be frivolous, but I don't think I'm hollow. At least, I hope I'm not hollow. Looks up at him. You, my dear child, my...

  Putting his arm round her and about to kiss her. No, please. We are not in a handsome now. Crosses right. He catches her hand to detain her. Violet outside. Angela! Angela! Angela disengaging herself.

  My cousin. Calling. Yes. I'm coming, Violet. Coming. Goes right for her mallet. Stop a minute.

  No, no. We mustn't wait. One moment. What are you going to do this afternoon? Nothing. Then suppose you let me give you some tea. Where?

  There's rather a nice little tea shop in Bond Street. It's number 505. You can't miss it. You'll see the name over the window. The Old Cup and Saucer. It's really a new place. Shall we say a half-past four? That will suit me perfectly. Have you asked many people? No. No, not many. How shall I come? Vis takes his hat from table right.

  Drive down in a handsome and I'll meet you at the door. By the way, your cousin, you know. Violet? Ops, Santa. Yes. There's no occasion to tell her where you're going. Isn't there?

  No, you see, she might think I ought to have asked her too, and I shouldn't like to hurt her feelings. Oh, no, nor I. It's very considerate of you, and I won't say a word to her about it. You see the fourth of it, don't you? Oh, quite. But I should never have thought of it myself. I think I shall always be learning something when I'm with you. You dear child.

  Enter servant, door right. Lord Robert Wickham. Enter Wickham, an exit servant. Wickham is restless and absent in manner. Angela surprised. Oh, how do you do, Lord Robert? Hello, Bob.

  Good morning, Miss Muir. Ah, Vice. My cousin is in the garden. We are going to play croquet. Will you tell her I'm here? Won't you come in? Thanks. No, if you wouldn't mind telling her.

  Violet, outside. Now then, you too. Do make haste. Violet. Violet. Exit centre to left, followed by Vese.

  Lord Robert Wickham is here. Will you come, dear? Lord Robert goes quickly up left, puts hat and stick on chair left, at back, and comes down left, pulling off his gloves. Enter Violet on balcony centre. She stands watching him for a moment, unobserved. Bob! Lord Robert seeing her.

  Ah. What's the matter? Matter? Crosses right. Violet comes down a little centre. You were walking up and down like a caged lion.

  I feel like one. Crosses left. You promised me you wouldn't come to the house. I can't help that. Goes up left.

  Fortunately, Mr Ainsley is not at home today. Lord Robert turns. Well, what has happened? Lord Robert comes down left centre. I've had an upset. A horrible, frightful upset.

  In a cab? Right centre. No, in the club. I met a man there just now, and we were talking, and, well, somehow or other, he happened to mention Ainsley, and— Close to her. What do you think he said?

  Violet shaking her head. I haven't a notion. Lord Robert intently. He said that your husband is a widower. Is your friend an Irishman?

  Yes. Goes up centre. Violet sits on couch right centre. I thought so. You see, while I'm alive, it would be a little difficult for my husband to be a widower, wouldn't it? Violet. Comes down to her.

  Don't pray trifle with me. My love for you has been the one great romance of my life. No other woman, I mean married, of course, has ever attracted me as you have. From the first moment I saw your husband, I loved you, for I perceived at a glance how impossible it was that such an ordinary specimen of conventional humanity could ever satisfy the heart-hunger of a woman like you.

  And now, now, not half an hour ago, I met with the terrible, crushing intelligence that you are not married. Oh, Violet, Violet, you might have spared me this. Goes to centre. Don't keep walking up and down like that. Lord Robert goes up centre.

  You, you whom I thought so open, so candid, so altogether above deceit. Do stop, for goodness sake. Lord Robert comes down right centre. Your ring, your wedding ring. Points to her ring.

  Was that only a trick to make me believe that you were free to love me? Violet quickly turns round a ring on her finger to look like a wedding ring. Lord Robert goes left and drops into chair at writing table. The one woman in all the world for me and not married, not married. Rests his elbows on table with his face in his hands.

  And you believe that? Rises and goes towards him, Lord Robert raising his head. What can I believe? Anything you hear so it seems. Turns up centre.

  He distinctly told me that Ainsley was a widower. Violet turns sarcastically. Indeed. Yes. Violet comes down right centre.

  And has it never come within the range of your experience that widowers occasionally marry again? Lord Robert rises quickly. What? Goes to her. Violet with assumed coldness.

  I am not in the habit of practising deception. Crosses left. Lord Robert believing her. Violet. Follows and keeps pace with her.

  They both walk quickly. You at least should have known me better. Crosses right. Lord Robert repentant. Violet.

  I am surprised and wounded. Crosses left. But Violet I. I am deeply hurt Lord Robert. Crosses centre.

  No, no. Bob, Bob. Your own Bob. Violet with great dignity. After this it is extremely uncertain if I shall ever feel capable of bobbing you again.

  Oh what a silly ass I've been. I'm glad the truth has come home to you at last. Look here Violet. Miss Ainsley. Quickly correcting herself.

  Mrs Ainsley if you please. Sits on right of couch right centre. I wish to heaven I kicked that man down the club steps. Goes to left end of couch pleadingly. Will you listen to me.

  I'm sorry. Awfully frightfully sorry. It was the sudden shock of the thing. You've heard of a man being knocked silly by a blow. Well that's what happened to me.

  I was completely knocked out. Lost my senses for a time. And before I came to myself I came to you. And then I talked. Well you know what I talked.

  A lot of rot. Yes I know it now. It was rot. Every word of it. But you'll forget it.

  Yes. Yes. Forget all about it. And we'll be just the same as we were before. Won't we?

  Won't we? I wonder if you are really to be trusted. I haven't a doubt of it. You are truly sorry. Horribly sorry.

  Humbly repentant. Grovelingly repentant. And you'll be a good boy and never do it again. Never. Then I think I'll give you another trial.

  Lord Robert in his ordinary tone. Thanks. I knew you would. Sits beside her on couch. Violet laughing.

  You wretch. You must admit it was a bit of a facer to be suddenly told there was no husband in the case. Poor dear man. Well you say your husband is not at home eh? My husband is never at home.

  Never at home? And this is the man who expects to monopolize you. This is the husband who... Don't you think we might leave my husband alone for once? Rises and goes round right of couch and up a little.

  Oh, if we could only leave him alone for always. Can't you see how dishonorable, how wrong it is to stay with a man you don't love? Violet as if considering the question. When I can go away with a man, I do. Leans over back of couch.

  Ah, what a dream it would be. What a perfectly exquisite dream. You and I together. Far away from everything and everybody. Living entirely for ourselves.

  Completely wrapped up in each other. Thinking of no one else. Letting the world go hang. Totally oblivious of other people. Not carrying a dump for a soul.

  Absolutely unselfish. Ah, it's a glorious world if we only make the best of it and think solely of our own happiness. If people lived more for themselves, they wouldn't be so ready to interfere in their neighbors' concerns. What a charming mind you have. You look at everything in such a beautiful light.

  Lord Robert takes a hand which rests on back of couch. I see everything in the light of your eyes. Rises. Ah, my dearest, my own. About to embrace her.

  Violet drawing back. No, no. Why not? Violet glancing at windows. Not now.

  Goes up center. Well, look here. Goes up left for his hat and stick. Come and have some tea this afternoon. At the old place?

  No, I forgot to tell you. I have discovered a new tea shop in Bond Street. It's only just opened and they keep it dark. Keep it dark? Right center.

  The room, I mean. There's only a dim religious light. And I spotted one particular corner where your dearest enemy couldn't recognize you. 505 is the number.

  By the way, Weiss lives over the shop. He's got a flat above it. Crosses right. Supposing he saw us. Men never see one under these circumstances.

  You'll come? You don't deserve it. No, that's all right. Goes to door right and stops. Half past four?

  If I come. Yes, quite so. Of course. Do you know, all the way home last night, I thought of that embrace in the box and when I took off my overcoat I kissed it on

  the shoulder. Why? Lord Robert earnestly. Because there was a little white patch there where your cheek had rested.

  Exit door right. The Duke and Weiss are heard in altercation outside. Duke outside. No, no, oh dear, no. That was the game.

  Nothing of the sort. I say it was. You can say what you like. The Duke and Weiss appear on balcony with their croquet mallets. They are greatly excited.

  You should have left my ball alone and gone for your hoop. They enter from balcony. I say it wasn't the game. That's all you know about it. Look here, you can't teach me croquet.

  I know that. Angela Muir appears on balcony. I appeal to Miss Muir. The three come down a few paces. Weiss right centre.

  Angela centre. The Duke left centre. Violet is down left. Now Miss Muir. Pointing with his mallet to the floor.

  My ball was here and his was here. And the hoop was there. And I naturally. Weiss goes behind couch right centre and leans against back of it with his back to the audience. I'm afraid I wasn't looking at the moment.

  Goes right and leans against back of couch right centre and right of Weiss. Of course not. One gets tired of watching a man hovering over a simple stroke for ten minutes. Duke incensed. Simple stroke.

  To Violet. Listen to him. I assure you he missed three absolutely childish shots. Simple stroke. Why I'd give him points any day and play his head off.

  Simple stroke. Aside to Violet. I do consider that man is the most conceited jackass I ever met. Goes up left centre with Violet. Weiss aside to Angela.

  Poor old scene kids. Poor old scene kids. Queer old chap isn't he? Well he's not quite my conception of a Duke. I mean he's not like those in the family herald.

  And to Lord Robert door right. He goes centre and then up to Weiss. I say Weiss old chap. Yes. Shall you be at home this afternoon about half past four?

  Weiss quickly. No, no I shan't. I shall be out all day. Oh never mind. Aside.

  That's alright. Comes down left centre and looks at Violet to attract her attention. Weiss aside to Angela. I shall be very much better engaged shan't I? But you mustn't throw over other people for me.

  Violet comes down left of Lord Robert. The Duke goes up to Windows centre. I'd throw over the whole world for you. You're the most unselfish person I have ever met. Lord Robert aside to Violet.

  I came back to ask Weiss if he would be in his rooms this afternoon. He says he'll be out all day. So if the tea shop should be very full. Oh do you think I dare? I think so.

  Well are we going to play any more or what? Miss Muir what do you say? Delighted. Come along then. Goes up centre.

  Lord Robert goes left. Enter servant down right. Lady Sylvia? Barbie. Enter Lady Sylvia and exit servant.

  What? Sylvia? Centre. Good morning everyone. Looks at Weiss and Angela.

  Then crosses to Violet and shakes hands. Quite an assemblage. What is it? Croquet. Will you play?

  No thanks. Crosses left. Well come and look on. Goes a little up centre. Angela comes down right.

  Presently it's a little hot in the sun. Shakes hands with Lord Robert left. Don't mind me. I'll follow you. There's no hurry.

  No no go on with your game or I shall think I'm in the way. Lord Robert joins Violet up left centre. Duke up centre. If Wycombe is going to play we shall be an odd number. Yes well Miss Muir will stay and talk to me I'm sure.

  Oh yes. Crosses left to Lady Sylvia and shakes hands. Duke coming down centre. No no we can't spare Miss Muir. Lady Sylvia aside to Angela.

  I must speak to you. Angela to the Duke. I'd rather you left me out this time. Really. The Duke goes up centre.

  Violet to the Duke. You must put up with me as a partner. Good good. We'll play the two men. We'll show them.

  Walk away from them. Ha ha. Poor Vice. Ha ha. Exit with Violet centre to left.

  Followed by Lord Robert. Lady Sylvia goes up centre. Vice goes up centre to Lady Sylvia. You're out early this morning Lady Sylvia. One has to be up very early.

  Sometimes. Vice hesitates as if about to speak. Then after a pause. Exit slowly centre to left. Angela crossing to couch right centre.

  I have to thank you Lady Sylvia for such a delightful time last evening. I enjoyed myself immensely. Puts Mallet on couch right centre and sits. I saw you did. Sits in armchair left centre.

  And that is why I am here this morning. I want to speak to you and quite plainly. Oh thank you. Miss Muir you are very young. Not so very young.

  I'm nearly nineteen. A mere child. Angela sweetly. To you perhaps. Angela speaks in the most sweetly innocent manner.

  While Lady Sylvia keeps her feelings well under restraint. To anyone. Of course I do feel young. Because I look upon girls of two or three and twenty as old. After thirty well.

  Women in my eyes seem to be quite ancient then. Poor things. Yes well I didn't come to discuss the question of age. I thought when you began by saying I was a mere child. I meant not in years only.

  Rises and goes to chair right centre. A little above couch. Now I wish you to feel that I am your friend. Your true friend. I do.

  And it makes me very happy. Lady Sylvia moves chair down a little to left of couch. It is the question of your happiness which concerns me at the present moment. And impels me to speak to you very seriously. Angela wonderingly.

  Lady Sylvia. Moves a little on couch to right. Lady Sylvia glances at windows and sits on chair. I want to put you on your guard to warn you against Mr. Vise. Mr. Vise?

  Rises. He's not at all a nice man for you to know. Isn't he? Sits on couch. He's anything but a good man.

  Not a good. In fact he's an extremely bad one. Oh but he's better now. Much better. I know he wasn't formally all that he should have been.

  He looks back with hatred on his past. Absurd. No really. He's very sorry for himself and he's going to begin a new life. I know he is.

  Because he told me so himself. And this charming resolution of his is due to your influence. I suppose he told you that. I think he did mention it. Of course.

  He says all his friends have become distasteful to him. They're so hollow and empty. I think he must have fallen among a very bad set of people, don't you? You foolish child. And how long, may I ask, has he been making love to you?

  Making love? I presume you know what making love means. Oh yes. Rises and crosses centre. I've seen people down at Dorkin on bank holidays.

  They change hats, put their arms round each other's necks, and sing at the top of their voices. But Mr. Vice has never even suggested we should do anything of that kind. Sits in armchair left centre. Lady Sylvia rises.

  Your simplicity is very refreshing, but let me tell you that he is behaving abominably. Centre. Why, how? Because while amusing himself with you,

  he is in love with someone else. How can you know? I do know, and I pity you with all my heart. Right, Evangela. I can't let this go on and see you made wretched and miserable if I can help it.

  So do, do take my advice and have nothing more to say to him. I shall feel I have done my duty and shall go home so relieved if you will promise never to see him again. Is this someone else? A friend of yours?

  I, I know her. Goes right. But if she doesn't care for him. But she does. Right centre.

  Then why doesn't he marry her? Because, now you will see what kind of man he is, because she's already married. Oh, how dreadful. Rises.

  Yes. How shocking. Yes. What a wicked woman she must be. She?

  Down right, Angela left centre. Yes. She must be worse than he. Oh, I think she must be infinitely worse, don't you? He isn't married.

  And so he's not deceiving his wife. But she? Oh, what a dreadful person. How awfully sorry you must feel for her unfortunate husband. Lady Sylvia controlling herself with difficulty.

  At any rate, I hope you'll show Mr. Vise that you wish to have nothing more to do with him, and Violet must be asked not to invite him to the house. But you invited him to yours. Lady Sylvia taken aback. I, oh, yes, but I am a married woman.

  But, from what you've told me, that doesn't appear to make much difference to him. Well, I've warned you, and you must see that he's a man you ought not to know. It's awfully sweet of you to be anxious on my account. My only object was to endeavour to keep you and Mr. Vise apart. Thank you so very much.

  I'm sure you are quite like a mother to me. I have done my duty, that is all. Goes up centre. And I, I, dear Lady Sylvia, will do my duty. That's right.

  Angela sits in armchair left centre. I see plainly, oh, so plainly, that it rests with me to save Mr. Vise. Save him? Comes down centre, Angela rising and facing her, going to couch back centre. I will do my best in my poor little way to make him forget her.

  Sits. I'll try and persuade him to come and play croquet here every day so that I can see him constantly. I'll use all the influence which he says I possess to work upon his better nature. And I believe, I quite hope and believe, I shall end in effecting a complete cure. Lady Sylvia losing control.

  You shall not. Left of Angela. You shall do nothing of the kind. Angela rises. But Lady Syl...

  This simple innocence is very well done, but it doesn't hoodwink me. You influence him. You reform him. Rubbish. Crosses right.

  You're in love with him. Yes, you are. You're in love with him and you think you'll catch him. Really, I... You won't.

  He's far too clever for that. He might marry for money, but never for love. And as for love, you needn't flatter yourself. He cares a snap of his finger for you, for he doesn't. Nothing cynically.

  Oh no, oh dear no. Don't imagine that for an instant. You seem to know him very well. I do. Almost as well as that dreadful creature.

  Center. What do you mean? Pause. What do you mean? Mean?

  What has he told you? Why do you... What do you know? You mean... You know perfectly well what I mean.

  Do I? But it's not true. It's absolutely false. And remember this, that not only people who talk scandal, but those who repeat it can be punished in a court of law.

  But really, Lady Sylvia. Lady Sylvia going to door right. I've nothing more to say. I've warned you and you'll be sorry for yourself when your eyes are opened. You to help him to begin a new life.

  A new life? A new life? Laughs cynically. You child, you baby. How thoroughly he must enjoy the joke.

  With pretended gravity. But never mind that. Don't relax. Do your duty. And don't let anyone deter you from persevering in your work of reformation.

  Exit door right laughing sarcastically. Angela goes to couch right centre. Takes up her mallet. Rests the head of it on the couch. And stands leaning with both hands on the handle.

  Looking after Lady Sylvia with a quiet smile. Ha! How beautifully she gave herself away. A peel of laughter is heard from the garden. Act drop. End of act two.

  End of act three.

• 03 - ACT 3

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  Act 3 of A Country Mouse by Arthur Law This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Act 3 Time

  The same afternoon Scene Vices Chambers in Bond Street There is a fog outside and the stage is only dimly lighted. Enter Violet Ainslie, Lord Robert Wickham and Mrs Cropper door left at back.

  Lord Robert centre. How long has Mr Vice been gone? Mrs Cropper left centre. About a quarter of an hour sir, but where he went and how long he'll be and what time he'll be home again I don't know no more than the dead. Lord Robert to Violet.

  We may as well wait. Violet right. I think so. Lord Robert to Mrs Cropper. Where is his man?

  Mr Carter sir? Yes, Carter. Oh he's out too sir. He told me as our Mr Vice said he didn't want him for nothing and he could take the afternoon himself so as he's going off to see his young woman what lives in Grosvenor Square. No, I'm telling you story it ain't Grosvenor Square it's Grosvenor Place because he passed the remark that his young lady was up housemaid along old Sir Solomon and Lady Jacobs what started in life in the second hand clothes line just as you and me might have done sir and only shown the luck as false to some people for what I will say is this you may scrub and you may rub. Lord Robert trying to stop her.

  Yes, yes. You may scrub and you may rub. Yes, quite so. You may scrub and you may. Look here, aren't you a gramophone?

  No sir, I'm a widow. I lives in the basement and cleans up the rooms and swills down the stairs and when it comes to six flights. Do you think you could get us some tea? Tea sir. Perhaps she doesn't know where the things are kept. Oh yes, it does mum. There ain't a lock up in the place. Mr. Vice leaves everything out, quite the gentleman he is.

  Yes, well, we should like some tea. And I don't know nothing more refreshing than a nice cup of tea. I always do say when your arms is aching and your back feels almost broken half that a good strong cup with three lumps of sugar and not too much milk is a necktie fit for the godses. Exit door left at back. That woman positively takes one's breath away. Good gracious, how thick this fog is getting. Yes, by Jove, it's almost quite dark, I say. It's just as well that Carter's absent. I told you Vice wouldn't be here, didn't I? Now we'll have a ripping time, all to ourselves.

  About to embrace her. Enter Mrs. Cropper door left at back. Oh my goodness, the room is full of this blessed fog. Here, I'll give you some light. Switches on the electric light. I beg pardon, but will you take anything with your tea? A boiled egg or some blotter paste? Violet sits right of table, right centre.

  A little bread and butter? Cake? Anything? You'll excuse me for asking you, but what I always say is I don't owe a tea on an empty stomach. Exit door left at back. Lord Robert sitting on back of table, right centre, and close to Violet. As I was saying, I knew we should be alone here, leave the whole afternoon before us, and by Jove, it's almost too good to be true, to feel I've got you all to myself.

  You silly old boy. Ah, my dearest darling, my own, own. About to embrace her. Enter Mrs. Cropper, Lord Robert and Violet rise. I beg pardon. You must excuse me, sir, and your good lady too, but has Mr. Vice is out, and Mr. Carter as well, and me being in charge of the premises and the responsibility-like, and have just happened to strike me that perhaps you wouldn't mind being so good as to tell me who you are? Lord Robert confused.

  Quite so. To be sure, I... Violet crossing left. I am Mr. Vice's sister. Mrs. Cropper centre. Oh, indeed, Mum.

  Lord Robert right. Yes, and I am his brother. Oh, indeed, sir. Well, I do humbly hope you'll forgive me putting the question. Yes, yes, certainly. You're quite right. Of course, I didn't think there was exactly anything wrong, and I never thought you looked as if you weren't respectable, because you do, but one can't be too careful, for mistakes is made sometimes, and there's a lot of queer people about.

  Exit door left at back. Lord Robert laughing. His sister? Goes left to Violet. What the dickens made you say that? What could I say?

  But how you jumped at it. Because I thought you were going to give us away. It's all very well for you, my dear man, but if I'd given her my name, she'd have told Mr. Vice I'd been here, and then, don't you see, you goose? Yes, yes. Sister was distinctly good, and I... Laughing. I capped it with brother, didn't I? Dear old Vice, he'll wonder who on earth we were.

  I hope to heavens he won't recognize me from her description. Not he. I'll undertake to put him off the scent. Now, now, my dear Violet, don't frighten yourself. There's no danger. At the least, I assure you, it's perfectly safe, far safer than down below in the tea shop, where anyone might see us. Ah, my own dearest love, my... About to embrace her. Violet retreating. No, no, not yet. Wait till she's brought in the tea.

  Goes right. He's got rather nice rooms, hasn't he? Not bad. Sits in chair left centre, looking sulky. I like exploring, don't you?

  Pushes open door right and looks in. I suppose this is... yes, a small dining room. Very cosy, though. Oh, I think you men know how to make yourselves comfy. Pointing to door left. What's in there? Lord Robert rises.

  Sort of box rooms, I fancy. Goes to door left. Violet going up right. I'm bent on a tour of inspection. It's fun looking over a man's rooms, particularly when the man's away. Lord Robert looking in at door left. Portmanteaus and hat boxes. Keeps his guns and fishing tackle here, too.

  Violet opening cupboard doors right at back. This is only a kind of landing with a ladder going up somewhere. Lord Robert going up to Violet. Leads through a trap door to the roof, I expect. That's in case of fire, you know. Violet coming down left.

  What an awful thing to be caught by fire. Lord Robert upstage. Or a husband. That ladder might be useful in either event. Shuts cupboard doors. I wish you wouldn't talk of husbands when we've come here to spend a pleasant afternoon.

  Sits in chair left centre. Lord Robert comes down centre. Well, there's no danger of yours turning up. Not the slightest. What would you do if he did? Lord Robert pointing to cupboard. Make straight for the roof.

  You wretch. Do you know, I can't imagine why you're so very much opposed to marriage. Lord Robert takes chair from left of table, right centre, and brings it centre, and leans over back of it. Opposed? Not at all. I strongly advocate marriage. In other people. The truth is, my dear child, I'm excessively romantic. There's a deep vein of sentiment in my character. And the ordinary prosaic attachment to the conventional girl doesn't appeal to me in the least.

  I know, because I've tried it. I was once engaged for two days to a charming creature. A sylph, a fairy. The day after I proposed, I called on her mother. She was, well, not a fairy, and she was fatally pleased at her daughter's engagement.

  Then two brothers and three sisters appeared, all infernally pleased. Lastly the father came in, and he was damnably pleased. That subtled it. The entire family, with one accord, sat on the flower of my romance, and crushed it. And I left the house, never to return. Your love had a short life.

  Lord Robert places chair right of violet and sits. Naturally, it was killed by the commonplace. For the existence of a really great passion that is worthy of the name, three persons are necessary. The husband, the wife, and the other one. But how will it end?

  In the usual way, by the survival of the fittest. Love, as a poetic dream, is only possible when it's hemmed in by difficulties, attended with risks, and accompanied by the charm of uncertainty. Why are we here today? We oughtn't to have come. Rises and crosses right. Lord Robert rises.

  Exactly. That's why we're here. Puts chair back at left of table right center. What is the toast and water of matrimony compared with the champagne of the stolen interview? Ah, don't you realize, don't you appreciate the ineffable attraction of our equivocal position? Ah, I'm a little bit afraid I do.

  Of course. It's a natural instinct. Ah, my beautiful sweetheart, my— About to embrace her. The door outside in the passage is heard to slam. Shush! Listen. Looking at door left at back.

  What? I heard the door. The woman. Violet alarmed. No, no. A voice. A man's voice.

  Going quickly right. I heard him distinctly. Lord Robert listening. It can't be voice. Runs to door left at back. Opens it and peeps out.

  Good gracious, I hope not. Lord Robert shuts door softly but quickly. Look out! They're coming up. The dining room. Go into the dining room. Violet half angrily. And you told me we would be perfectly safe here.

  Lord Robert going quickly right. Never mind what I told you. Into the dining room. Violet exits quickly door right. Followed by Lord Robert. Enter Angela Muir and Vis. Door left at back. Oh, so this is the ladies' tea room? Comes down right centre looking round room.

  Yes, this is the ladies' tea room. Puts his hat and stick on table right of door left at back. Angela looking round room. There's no one here at present. Isn't there? No, I suppose it is a little early. I don't think it's quite such a pretty room as the one downstairs.

  No, but it's quieter. Yes, it seems quieter. Will your friends know where to find us when they come? My friends? Comes down left of Angela. Oh, I forgot. Didn't I tell you? They've all disappointed me. I had three wires at the last moment to say they couldn't come.

  Angela centre. Oh, how very annoying. Do you mind? I was thinking of your disappointment. Oh, I don't care, Snap. In fact, I'm awfully glad because it will be so much jollier all by ourselves.

  You don't think I require a chaperone? Not at all. I only ask because I know nothing about these things. You see, I live in the country. And you bring the scent of the hay with you. I say, isn't this fog awful? I'm afraid it's going to be a regular pea soupa. Goes up to window left.

  And in the summer too. Sits left of table right centre. Do you know, I've never seen a real London fog. Ah, then I expect this one is on show for your special benefit. Enter Mrs Cropper door left at back with tray containing tea service.

  She comes slowly down left centre, staring at Angela, and crosses round right and up to right of table right centre. As she crosses, Angela rises and goes centre to Vese, who meets her up centre. Vese stares at Mrs Cropper. Angela aside to Vese. Who is that?

  Aside to Angela. The waitress with the tea. Mrs Cropper putting tray on table. I saw you come in sir, so I hurried up and you're just in time. Ah yes, thank you.

  I didn't know whether you was coming back or not sir, so I told your brother and sister. What? Angela aside to Vese. Were you expecting your brother and... Vese aside to Angela.

  What? No. She thinks I'm someone else. Goes left with Angela and they stand with their backs to Mrs Cropper. Mrs Cropper arranging tray. I made you a nice cup of tea, a spoonful for each and one for the pot. Goes to door right and calls as if to Lord Robert and Violet. Tea is quite right sir, when you are.

  Turns away from door right, Vese turning. Yes, alright, thanks. Mrs Cropper at table right centre. I think you'll find I cut the bread and butter as thin as a wafer and I got the cake and the biscuits down in the shop. Goes centre, Angela crosses right.

  Yes, yes. Mrs Cropper pulling down her sleeves. I do hope sir that you'll excuse the state Armin, but this is my washing and scrubbing day and as the lady will tell you, you can't clean the house and yourself at the same time. Exit door left at back. No, quite so.

  Re-enter Mrs Cropper quickly. Oh well, there I am forgetful, you'll want two more cups won't you or not keep your minute. Exit door left at back. What a funny woman isn't she? Yes, a sort of char woman I fancy. I suppose they're shelter waitress today and so they're making use of her.

  How in the world shall I get home if the fog lasts? You'll have to stay here till it clears. Oh, but you'll be getting so tired of me. So tired that I wish the fog would last for a week. Angela smiling.

  Oh. A month. Oh. A year. Oh.

  Laughs and goes right, vice going right. Now let me give you some tea. No, no, I'll preside over the tea. That's my province. Puts her sunshade on couch right and sits at back of table right centre, facing audience, vice stands left of her. By Jove, I wish you could pour out tea for me every day.

  Angela pouring out tea. That's precisely what our vicar said, only last week. It's like his impertinence. Oh no, he meant it. Has he a wife?

  No, poor man, he can't afford one. He told me so and I felt very sorry for him. He spoke so pathetically and there were tears in his eyes when he wanted to kiss me. Vice sits left of table. And did he kiss you? Yes. Vice rises.

  But only as a clergyman. Do you take cream? Please. Goes close to her. And sugar? Please.

  Angela holding up sugar bowl. Perhaps you'd better help yourself. Vice gazing at her. I should like to help myself and I feel I can't help myself for I must help myself and... About to kiss her, the electric bell rings and he draws back.

  Now who the diggums? Angela quietly. What is it? Vice a little up left. The bell that idiot of a woman will say I'm at home.

  Runs to door left at back. Perhaps the room downstairs is quite full. Vice opening door putting his head out and beckoning to Mrs Cropper. Here, hi. Psst. Psst. Confound her she's gone to the door. Pauses.

  By George. Shuts door quickly. It's Sylvia. Who? Lady Sylvia Bowlby.

  Switches off the electric light. The stage is nearly dark. Angela rises. What did you do that for? Goes down right. You mustn't be seen. Mustn't I?

  No, no. She'll tell her cousin Violet and you don't want her to know where you've been, do you? Do you? No, I don't. Goes to door right. Vice going quickly to cupboard doors right at back. No, no. Not in there. Here. Go in here. It's a sort of cupboard. You'll be quite safe. Opens cupboard doors.

  Why should I go in a cupboard? There are mice in that cupboard. There's not a mice. I mean mouse. Angela takes cup of tea and piece of cake from table. Quick, quick. Angela going up to cupboard.

  You bring me out to tea and you shut me in a cupboard? Angela goes into cupboard. She won't stay long. I'll get rid of her as soon as possible. Shuts cupboard doors. Angela inside cupboard. I want to go back to the country.

  Vice runs to couch right. Lies back on it with his feet up and feigns sleep. Enter Lady Sylvia Bowlby and Mrs Cropper. Door left at back. Mrs Cropper carries a salver with two cups and saucers. Lady Sylvia comes down left centre. Walk in mum please. Oh dear me, we're all in the dark. What a fog it is to be sure. Well really, I never did.

  Switches light on and goes to table right centre with cups. Eh? Who's that? Turns his head. What? Oh. Rising, affecting surprise.

  I beg your pardon. Mrs Cropper glances about, wondering what has become of the others. Lady Sylvia shaking her head warningly. How do you do Mr Vice? Ah, delighted to see you.

  Crosses to Lady Sylvia. I'm, I'm afraid I was asleep. Shakes hands. Mrs Cropper counting cups at table aside. One, two, three, four. Glancing at Lady Sylvia.

  Now, five. Allowed. Going to door left at back. You want another cup sir? Vese impatiently. All right, all right.

  I hope the lady will excuse the state of my work and clothes. You see mum, I didn't know as Mr Vice was expecting company or you wouldn't have found me undressed. Exit door left at back. Lady Sylvia very coldly. I said last night I would send you a note today, but on second thoughts I decided to come myself. You didn't get my telegram?

  Telegram? Telegram? Going to writing table left. I knew you did not because I see you didn't expect me. Right centre. Vese taking up telegram from writing table and tearing it open. By Jove, here it is. It must have come when I was out and that woman never told me.

  Glancing over message. Yes, this is it. And you never saw it although it was there before your eyes. I can't think how. No, I can. You were too much occupied.

  Looking at tea table. Occupied? Lady Sylvia pointing to tea things. You are not alone. Stands behind table.

  Oh, oh yes, yes, some men dropped in. Centre. Indeed. Sees Angela's sunshade on couch, goes right and picks it up. And one of them left his sunshade behind.

  One of, one of their wives you mean. How very forgetful. I wonder which it was. Lady Sylvia looking at initials on silver band round the handle. Here are her initials. A, M.

  Ah, Maxwell, Lady Maxwell. What does A stand for? A. Oh, Anne or Amelia. I think it's Anne. Lady Sylvia looking fixedly at him. Or Angela.

  Is it? Perhaps so, I don't know. Lady Maxwell's name is Edith. Ah, then it can't be hers. No. Throws sunshade on couch vehemently.

  Ah. Comes down right of table. Do you think I'm a fool? Do you think I didn't see how you were taken up with that Angela Muir all last evening with hardly a word or look for anyone else? She with her eyes and her blushes and her pretty shy ways.

  So charming, so artless, losing her fan, losing her fiddle stick. So fresh, so natural, so sweetly simple. Goes Centre. The dear little innocent baby was playing with you, twisting you round her finger, while you, you who call yourself a man of the world were as completely tricked and cajoled as the various schoolboy. Really, you know, this is all pure imagination on your part.

  Perhaps it is pure imagination that you were playing croquet with her this morning. Scornfully. Croquet? Croquet. Goes up Centre, vise following her.

  I assure you, you haven't the slightest reason to be. I'm not blind. Vise raising his voice. You haven't the slightest reason to be. Nor am I deaf.

  Vise lowering his voice. The slightest reason to be jealous. Jealous? How dare you say I'm jealous? I, I'm jealous of a little country chit like that. Crosses left. No, of course not.

  Right Centre. I'm only sorry for you. Sorry to find you're so easily taken in. Yes, well never mind her now. Lady Sylvia forcing a smile. I don't mind.

  Sits in armchair left Centre. That's right. Lady Sylvia with assumed sweetness after a pause. You won't see her again. No.

  No. No. Lady Sylvia laughs softly. Why do you laugh? I was wondering.

  Laughs. Yes. I was wondering how you intend to avoid seeing her. That's easy enough. Is it?

  Of course. I see one difficulty. What's that? Lady Sylvia sternly. She's here now.

  Rises. I'll take my oath. Will you? In that case you will have no objection to my proving the truth of your assertion. Crosses right. Oh well, you must do as you please.

  Thank you very much. Exit door right. Vese runs up to cupboard and opens door a few inches. Vese to Angela. If anyone tries this door, gear up the ladder. There's a trap door at the top.

  Angela in cupboard. Yes, but I want some more cake. Shush! Shuts doors quickly and comes down left centre. Lady Sylvia in room right.

  While you are standing there behind the window curtain, I'm afraid the tea will be getting cold. Vese astounded. Great, Scott! What on earth? Enter Lady Sylvia door right. Really, it was very impolite of you to leave Miss Muir alone so long.

  Miss Muir! And all in the dark too. Hadn't you better go and make your apologies? Crosses left. Vese goes towards door right.

  Enter Violet and Lord Robert door right. Lady Sylvia and Vese stare aghast at them. Well, I'm hanged. Bursts into a fit of laughter. Violet to Lady Sylvia. Good gracious, dear! We had no idea it was you.

  Right centre. No, we thought Vese was bringing in a friend, a visitor, whom Mrs Ainsley didn't know. And so we thought he'd like us to wait in the dining room for a bit. Crosses left to Lady Sylvia. Lady Sylvia smiling sweetly. Oh, I quite understand.

  Vese going to Violet. I hadn't a notion there was anyone here. I'm awfully pleased to see you. Lord Robert aside to Lady Sylvia. You won't mention having met Mrs Ainsley here. Oh no!

  No, I thought not. Vese aside to Violet. That sunshade there, say it's yours, will you? Mine? Yes, no, wait, say it's Miss Muir's.

  Why? You brought it by mistake. What do you? Please, ask him for it. Goes to back of chair, right centre.

  Oh, very well. To Lord Robert. Bob? Yes? Goes to Violet, right centre.

  I wish you'd find my sunshade. Lord Robert going right. Sunshade, sunshade? Where did you leave it? Oh, here it is. Takes up sunshade from couch, right. Ah, thanks.

  Is that yours? Going centre. Violet taking sunshade from Lord Robert. Yes, at least, no. Looking at it.

  Why, where did I get it? Oh, it's Angela's. I brought away Angela's by mistake. How stupid. Comes down right. Vese smiles and nods to Lady Sylvia. As much as to say, there you see. Where is Miss Muir today? She said she was going to meet some friends at Westminster Abbey. She's so fond of going about to such queer places. May I help myself to some tea? Sits right of table. Lord Robert sits at back of table facing audience. Vese behind chair, left centre.

  Oh, do. Aside to Lady Sylvia, who has come right of him. Don't you think you've been a little hard on me? Lady Sylvia, humbly. You must admit I had reasonable suspicion.

  Vese earnestly. It hurt me horribly. Lady Sylvia, penitently. Archie, I'm sorry. You must forget it. I'll try to.

  Turns up stage with Lady Sylvia. Lord Robert aside to Violet. Your husband will never hear anything through her. She be giving herself away. What a comfort, isn't it? Gives him a cup of tea. Yes. For the future, we four constitute a mutual protection society. Do you know, I almost wish you were not married.

  Do you? Come and see me tomorrow and I'll tell you something. I hope the tea isn't cold. Goes to table right centre. No, but it's frightfully strong. Gives cup to Vese, who gives it to Lady Sylvia. Vese to Lady Sylvia.

  Are you afraid of your nerves? Thank goodness I don't know what nerves are. Sits left centre. Nor I. Nerves were made for slaves.

  Vese sitting on chair left of table right centre and taking cup of tea from Violet. And make slaves of the people who own them. So many persons are in a constant state of apprehension and fidget, whereas the plain, simple rule of life is... The electric bell rings. There is a pause. Puts cup on table. Half a minute. Rises. Goes to door left at back. Opens it and stands listening.

  If you are in a hurry to get home, Violet, you can take my carriage and send it back for me. Oh, thanks awfully. Violet to Lord Robert. She was speaking to me. The same thing.

  Vese shutting door quickly. Boldly. Lady Sylvia rises. My husband. Goes left quickly.

  Yes, that's right. Pointing to door left. In there. To Violet who is going right. No, no, this way. Go with her.

  Violet runs across to left. I'll turn the light off presently and when you hear me cough, slip out and steal away quietly. Exeunt Lady Sylvia and Violet door left. Lord Robert centre. Shall I stop? No, you'll be putting your foot in it.

  Alright. Runs to door right. Half a minute. Turns back to table. Takes up cup and piece of cake.

  And exits quickly door right. Vese running to door right. Here I say, Bob, if he should see you, not a word about the ladies. Do you hear, Bob? Exit door right. Enter Mrs Cropper door left at back.

  Followed by Bowlby and the Duke of St Kitts. Yes, sir. Pleased to walk in, sir. Oh, boy, surely they're all gone. All gone? Who? Mr Vice had accompanied a tea, sir, his brother and his sister and two other ladies, but they must have left without my seeing of them. But perhaps Mr Vice is here still. Goes to door right. Duke to Bowlby.

  Didn't know Vice had a brother. She said his sister, too. That's very probable. Bachelors in chambers generally have sisters. Turns up stage looking round room. Goes slowly right at back and comes down right. Mrs Cropper at door right to Vese. Very good, sir.

  Turning to Bowlby. Mr Vice will be with you directly, sir. At table right centre. I'm sure the tea must be quite cold. Feeling teapot.

  Yes, sir, it is. I must make some fresh. Exit with teapot door left at back. Bowlby stands at writing table left, looking over illustrated papers and facing left. The Duke is down right. Angela opens cupboard door softly and peeps out.

  At this moment the Duke turns and they see each other. She leaves the doors wide open and goes up the ladder. The Duke goes quickly up to cupboard, stands for a moment looking up after her and then goes up the ladder. Bowlby sees nothing of all this. Enter Mrs Cropper door left at back with teapot which she puts on table right centre.

  She sees the cupboard doors open and shuts them, leaving the right one a little open and then exits door left at back. Enter Vese door right, seeing the cupboard door a little open, he goes softly upright, closes door gently, comes down to door right, jumps and comes down heavily on his feet so as to make Bowlby believe he has just entered, and goes centre with outstretched hand as Bowlby turns. Vese affecting surprise.

  Ah, Bowlby, I wondered who it was. Bowlby is very cold and distant in manner and does not take Vese's hand. Vese ignoring Bowlby's manner. The fog is very thick, isn't it? Yes, the Duke was taking refuge in the tea shop below and that's how he met.

  St Kitts? What? Turning. Why, where has he got to? Was he here?

  Yes, he must have gone downstairs again. There are some rather good looking girls in the shop. Bowlby, sternly. So much the better. Eh?

  I mean, he insisted on coming up. I couldn't get rid of him and I came here purposely to see you alone. You'll excuse me, I know. Looking at his watch. I've got a most important engagement, but if five minutes...

  I won't keep you three. Mr. Vise, I must ask you to be good enough to discontinue your visits to my house. What? You will not, I hope, give rise to any unnecessary scandal by compelling me to order my servants not to admit you. Who has been jabbering?

  Jabbering? Come, what silly woman has been filling your head with this nonsense? No one has said a word. Then how? I have seen for myself. For some time. I am not blind.

  You're entirely mistaken, there is not the slightest. Pardon me, I decline to discuss the matter. You will plainly understand that our acquaintance ceases from today. Going. Vise quickly. Wait a bit. Bowlby stopping.

  Nothing that you may say. You'd better listen. It's for Lady... we don't mention names. It's for her sake. To show you how preposterously upset your suspicions are, I may tell you that I'm going to be married. Bowlby surprised. Married? You?

  Left centre. Surprising, isn't it? Right centre. Is this true? Perfectly.

  Do I know? The lady, oh yes, she's Miss Muir. Bowlby raising his voice in surprise. Miss Muir? Vise quickly.

  Don't shout, the people below will hear you. I'm astounded. Why, she's a very charming girl. Yes, and that's the reason I... Dear me!

  Crosses right. Well, are you sorry you spoke? Of course, if... if... if I had known. Never mind, we'll forget it. One should always excuse a husband, I have invariably done so. Anyway, I recall my words, and I...

  That's all right. Looks at his watch, goes up to table right of door left at back, and takes up his hat and stick. I see you're in a hurry, so I mustn't keep you. Well, I'm afraid I must be off, I've got an appointment at the club. I don't know how you'll get there. If you don't mind, I'll stop here and smoke a cigarette till it gets lighter.

  Vise takes out cigarette case while standing down right centre facing audience, Vise drawing on his gloves. Oh do, by all means. I'm sorry my man is out, but that woman will get you anything you want. Thanks. I think she's bringing some tea. Vise switches light off, the stage is quite dark. I prefer tea to...

  Hello? Confound that light, that's the second time today. Something wrong with the connection? Vise up centre. Yes, I shall have to get a man to come and see to it.

  Coughs. Stay where you are while I find a candle. Coughs. Lady Sylvia and Violet, stealing softly from door left, and Lord Robert from door right. If you want a match, I've got one.

  No, no, don't strike it yet, wait a bit. I know there's a candle here somewhere, and I'll lay my hand on it in a second. Coughs three times. Coughs. Enter Mrs Cropper door left, at back with hot water jugs. Why my goodness me, whatever's happened to the light?

  Vise quickly. Don't touch it. Mrs Cropper switches light on, puts jug on table by door, and exits down left at back. Lady Sylvia, Violet and Lord Robert are discovered. The ladies are half way up stage left, and Lord Robert up stage right, above table.

  Vise is up centre, and Bowlby down right, tableau. Sylvia, and, and... Crosses centre. Vise feigning great surprise. Why, where in the world did you all spring from?

  Laughs loudly aside to Lord Robert. Laugh, damn it, laugh. Signals to the ladies to laugh. They all laugh heartily with the exception of Bowlby. Did we? We did startle you Mr Vise, no didn't we?

  And Mr Bowlby too. Goes to Vise. Laughs. By Jove, yes, we made them both jump. Comes down right.

  I don't think I see the joke. Crosses left. My dear John, do you ever see a joke? Sylvia and I, you know, we, we were having tea downstairs and, and... And Lord Robert came in.

  Yes, I came in. Lady Sylvia to Vise. And he said that you lived up here. Yes, that's what I said. Vise lives up here, I said, just like that. Vise lives up here. I knew you were in. Out, you mean?

  Crosses to Lord Robert. Out, I mean. I knew you were out, and... And he said what a lark it would be to make your servant give us tea, and then you'd wonder who on earth had been in your rooms. Laughs. Vise laughing. What a chap you are, Bob.

  Yes, and in the middle of the festivities we heard you coming in, and Lord Robert jumped up. I did, by Jove. I jumped up. And said let's all hide. Yes, let's all hide, I said, just like that. Let's all hide. So we scampered in there, and he skipped in there, and... Oh dear, I shall never forget your face when we caught you.

  They all laugh loudly except Bowlby. Are you coming home now, Sylvia? In this frightful fog, no thank you, it's a little too risky. You are not usually deterred by anything risky. Violet laughing.

  Well, we've all come down like an avalanche on Poor Mr. Vise, haven't we? Crosses right. Bowlby crosses centre-right. And now we are here, we must all offer him our hearty congratulations. Congratulations? Down left.

  On a happy event. Watching the effect on Lady Sylvia. Our friend, Mr. Vise, has just told me that he and Miss Muir are engaged to be married. Violet astounded. Angela? Engaged?

  Lady Sylvia under her breath. Oh. Goes up left. Why, Vise old chap, I had no idea. Vise confused.

  Yes, well, Mr. Bowlby's a little premature perhaps, but yes. Bowlby crosses left. Lord Robert aside to Violet. I say, by Jove, this is rather a crusher for Lady Sylvia. Violet aside to Lord Robert.

  I hope to goodness she won't give herself away. Lady Sylvia going to Vise. Mr. Vise, I congratulate you most heartily. Shaking hands. Miss Muir is a sweet girl, and you have my best, my very best wishes for your happiness.

  Vise a little awkwardly. Thanks. Thanks very much. They look each other steadily in the eyes for a moment, and Lady Sylvia turns upstage. Violet aside to Lord Robert. Bravo, Sylvia.

  Lord Robert aside to Violet. By God, she's splendid. Well now you all must stay and have tea, finished tea I should say, since we disturbed you in the middle of it, Lady Sylvia. Going to table right centre. Let me give you another cup of.

  Thumping sound heard above cupboard. What's that noise? That! Oh, it's, I don't know, something next door. The thumping continues. How thin the walls are in these places.

  Vise behind table facing audience. Yes, great nuisance sometimes. Pours out tea, coughing and sneezing heard. It's someone in that room. It's not a room, it's a way to the roof.

  Coughing and sneezing continues. Hush, listen. I tell you, it's someone in there. Goes to cupboard doors. Oh, I remember now, it's the workman.

  Lord Robert pulls open cupboard doors before Vise can stop him. Enter the Duke and Angela from cupboard. Their clothes are covered with dirt and their faces streaked with black. The Duke? Miss Muir?

  Duke, coughing and wiping his face with his handkerchief. We had such a time. We, we went up on the roof. Angela gasping. Among the chimneys.

  And that infernal trap door slammed down. And we pulled and tugged for at least ten minutes. Ten weeks. And what with the smoke? And the fog.

  We couldn't see the view. The Duke was so kind, he wanted me to see the view. He says it's quite lovely up there on a fine day. Lady Sylvia coldly. What a very unexpected meeting, isn't it?

  To Violet. I thought you said Miss Muir was at West Minister Abbey. Left. Angela centre. Oh yes, you see I was lost in the fog. Lady Sylvia sarcastically.

  And wandered here over the roofs. Duke right of Angela. How did you come here Sylvia? By the tube? Violet aside to these.

  Was Angela here all the time? Yes. Angela dear, this is a surprise. We have just heard the most wonderful news of your engagement to Mr. Vice. My engagement to Mr. Vice?

  Vice? Nothing of the sort. I am the happy man. You? Yes. The Duke is so good.

  He has very kindly asked me to be a Duchess. Bowlby left. But there has been some mistake. Mistake? To Angela.

  We mean it, don't we? Oh yes, Alaric. To the others. I am only a simple girl with a great deal to learn. But I hope I shall make a successful Duchess.

  Although, as you know, I have always lived in the country.