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• 00 - Credits

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  stage directions read by michaela curtis lewis carroll read by charlotte brown alice read by amanda friday The Red Queen, read by Shauna Canette. White Queen, read by Elizabeth Klatt. White Rabbit, read by Todd. Humpty Dumpty, read by Jeff Machado.

  Griffin, read by Brett Hirsch. The Mock Turtle, read by Ted Delorme. Matt Hatter, read by Elliot Gage. The Mock Ha, read by Charlotte Duckett. Dormouse, read by Kimberly Krause.

  Frog, read by Larry Wilson Duchess, read by Ellie Cat Cheshire Cat, read by Sarah Parshall Tweedle Dee, read by Charlotte Brown Tweedle Doom, read by Anastasia Saloha

  The King of Hearts, read by Ted DeLorme The Queen of Hearts, read by Eden Ray Hedrick Knave, by Glorious Job Caterpillar by Ethel Boos Two spot, read by Dave Harrell

  Five spot, read by Dave Harrell Seven of spades, read by Dave Harrell End of credits

• 01 - Act 1

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  Act 1 of Alice in Wonderland by Alice Gernstenberg For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Scene 1 Alice is home. Louis Carroll is discovered playing chess. Golden-haired Alice in the little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching him.

  That's a funny game, Uncle. What did you do then? A red pawn took a white pawn. This way, you see, Alice? The chessboard is divided into sixty-four squares, red and white. And the white army tries to win, and the red army tries to win. It's like a battle. With soldiers?

  Yes. Here are the kings and queens they are fighting for. That's the red queen, and here's the white queen. How funny they look! See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet. It's a foot apiece, that's what it is. Do they hump along like this?

  Here, you're spoiling the game. You must keep them in their right squares. I want to be a queen. Here you are. He points to a small white pawn. Here you are, in your little stiff skirt.

  How do you do, Alice? And now you are going to move here. Let me move myself. When you travel all along the board this way, and you haven't been taken by the enemy, you may be a queen. Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her playing cards too. Look.

  Alice goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the lech. Here's the king of hearts, and here's his wife. She's the queen of hearts. Isn't she cross-looking? Wants to bite one's head off? Carol moves upon. You're playing against yourself, aren't you?

  That's one way of keeping in practice, Alice. I have friends in the university who want to beat me. But if you play against yourself, I should think you'd want to cheat. Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she's playing against herself? Oh, I never do. I'd scold myself hard. I always pretend I'm two people too. It's lots of fun, isn't it? Sometimes when I'm all alone I walk up to the looking-glass and talk to the other Alice.

  She's so silly that Alice. She can't do anything by herself. She just mucks me all the time. When I laugh, she laughs. When I point my finger at her, she points her finger at me. And when I stick my tongue out at her, she sticks her tongue out at me. Kitty has a twin too, haven't you, darling? Alice goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin. I'll have to write a book someday about Alice.

  Alice in Wonderland, Child of the Pure Unclouded Brow and Dreaming Eyes of Wonder, or Alice Through the Looking-Glass. Don't you wish sometimes you could go into Looking-Glass' house? See? Alice stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror. There's the room you can see through the glass. It's just the same as our living room here. Only the things go the other way. I can see all of it. All but the bit just behind the fireplace.

  Oh, I do wish I could see that bit. I want so much to know if they've a fire there. You never can tell, you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room too. But that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire, just to pretend they had. The books are something like our books. Only the words go the wrong way. Won't there ever be any way of our getting through, Uncle?

  Do you think Kitty would find Looking-Glass milk digestible? It doesn't sound awful good, does it? But I might leave her at home. She's been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found Sister's knitting and chased the ball all over the garden where Sister was playing croquet with the neighbours. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was all out of breath and so tired. I am tired.

  She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair. Carol replaces the playing cards on the mantle and consults his watch. Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea. We're going to have mock turtle soup for supper. I heard my ma tell the cook not to pepper it too much. What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time. He leans gently over the back of her chair and, seeing that she is going to sleep, puts out the lamp light and leaves the room.

  A red glow from the fireplace illumines Alice. Dream music. A bluish light reveals the red chess queen and the white chess queen in the mirror. The red queen points to Alice and says in a mysterious voice, There she is. Let's call her over. Do you think she'll come?

  I'll call softly. Alice. Hissed. Alice. Alice. Hush. If she wakes and catches us.

  Alice, come through into Looking-Glass House. Their hands beckon her. Alice rises and talks sleepily. The queens disappear. Alice climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another and so on,

  up to the manteledge, where she picks her way daintily between the vases. I don't know how I can get through. I've tried before, but the glass was hard and I was afraid of cutting my fingers. She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze. Why, it's soft like gauze.

  It's turning into a sort of mist. Why, it's easy to get through. Why, why, I'm going through. She disappears. Scene 2.

  Is scene 1 reversed? The portuers are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the curtain rises, Alice comes through the Looking-Glass, steps down, looks about in wonderment, and goes to see if there is a fire.

  The Red Queen rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily. Why, you're the Red Queen. Of course I am. Where do you come from and where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers.

  I only wanted to see what the Looking-Glass was like. Perhaps I've lost my way. I don't know what you mean by your way. All the ways about here belong to me. Courtsy while you're thinking what to say, it saves time.

  I'll try it when I go home. The next time I'm a little late for dinner. It's time for you to answer now. Open your mouth a little wider when you speak and always say, Your Majesty.

  I suppose you don't want to lose your name? No, indeed. And yet I don't know. Only think how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home without it. For instance, if the governess wanted to call you to your lessons she would call out,

  Come here. And there she would have to leave off because there wouldn't be any name for her to call. And of course you wouldn't have to go, you know. That would never do, I'm sure.

  The governess would never think of excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn't remember my name, she'd call me Miss, as the servants do. Well, if she said Miss and didn't say anything more, of course you'd miss your lessons. I dare say you can't even read this book. It's all in some language I don't know.

  Why, it's a Looking-Glass book, of course. And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again. Jabberwocky, Twas Brillig, and the slithy toes Did gyre and gimble in the wabe, All mimsy were the burrow-goves, And the mome wraiths outgrabe. It seems very pretty, but it's rather hard to understand.

  Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas. Only I don't exactly know what they are. I dare say you don't know your geography either. Look at the map. She takes a right-angle course to the porters and points to them with her scepter.

  It's marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn't mind being a pawn, though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best. That's easily managed. When you get to the eighth square, you'll be a queen. It's a huge game of chess that's being played all over the world.

  Come on, we've got to run. Faster, don't try to talk. I can't. Faster, faster! Faster!

  Are we nearly there? Nearly there, why we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster! You may rest a little now. Why, I do believe we're in the same place.

  Everything's just as it was. Of course it is. What would you have it? Well, in our country you'd generally get to somewhere else if you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing.

  A slow sort of country. Now here you see it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that. I'd rather not try, please. I'm quite content to stay here.

  Only I am so hot and thirsty. I know what you'd like. She takes a little box out of her pocket. Have a biscuit? Alice, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and chokes.

  While you're refreshing yourself, I'll just take the measurements. She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it. At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions. Have another biscuit? No, thank you.

  One's quite enough. Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat them, for fear of your forgetting them. At the end of four I shall say good-bye, and at the end of five I shall go. That square belongs to Humpty Dumpty, and that square to the Griffin and Mock Turtle,

  and that square to the Queen of Hearts. But you make no remark? I didn't know I had to make one, just then. You should have said. It's extremely kind of you to tell me all this.

  However, we'll suppose it said. Four. Good-bye. Five. Red Queen vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portiers.

  Rabbit music. White Rabbit comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand, a fan in the other, and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously. Oh, the Duchess!

  The Duchess! Oh, won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting? I've never seen a Rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch, and a waistcoat pocket. If you please, sir. He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portiers in a gust of wind.

  Alice picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The portiers flap in a breeze and the shawl flies in. Alice catches the shawl and looks about for the owner, then meets the White Queen. I'm very glad I happened to be in the way. The White Queen runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying,

  and cries in a helpless, frightened way. Bread and butter! Bread and butter! Am I addressing the White Queen? Well, yes, if you call that a dressing.

  It isn't my notion of the thing at all. If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well as I can. But I don't want it done at all. I've been addressing myself for the last two hours. Every single thing's crooked, and you're all over pins.

  May I put your shawl straight for you? I don't know what's the matter with it. It's out of temper. I've pinned it here and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it. It can't go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side.

  And dear me, what a state your hair is in! The brush has gotten tangled in it, and I lost the comb yesterday. Alice takes out a brush and arranges the Queen's hair. You look better now. But really you should have a lady's maid.

  I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure. I don't want you to hire me, and I don't care for jam. It's very good jam. Well, I don't want any today at any rate. You couldn't have it if you did want it.

  The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. It must come sometimes to jam today. No, it can't. It's jam every other day. Today isn't any other day, you know.

  I don't understand you. It's dreadfully confusing. That's the effect of living backwards. It always makes one a little giddy at first. Living backwards?

  I never heard of such a thing. But there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works both ways. I'm sure mine only works one way. I can't remember things before they happen. It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.

  What sort of things do you remember best? Oh, things that happen to the week after next. For instance now. She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger. There's the King's messenger.

  He's in prison being punished, and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday. And of course the crime comes last of all. Suppose he never commits the crime? The White Queen binds the plaster with ribbon. That would be all the better, wouldn't it?

  Of course it would be all the better. But it wouldn't be all the better, his being punished. You're wrong there at any rate. Were you ever punished? Only for faults.

  And you were all the better for it, I know. Yes, but then I had done the things I was punished for. That makes all the difference. But if you hadn't done them, that would have been better still. Better and better and better.

  There's a mistake somewhere. The White Queen screams like an engine whistle and shakes her hand. Oh, my finger's bleeding. What is the matter? Have you pricked your finger?

  I haven't pricked it yet, but I soon shall. When do you expect to do it? When I fasten my shawl again. The brooch will come undone directly. Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly.

  Take care. You're holding it all crooked. The White Queen pricks her finger and smiles. That accounts for the bleeding, you see. Now you understand the way things happen here.

  But why don't you scream now? Why, I've done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having it all over again? Oh, it's time to run if you want to stay in the same place. Come on.

  No, no, not so fast. I'm getting dizzy. Everything's black before my eyes. There's music and the sound of rushing wind. And in the darkness, the White Queen cries,

  Faster, faster. Alice gasps. I can't. Please stop. And the Queen replies,

  Then you can't stay in the same place. I'll have to drop you behind. Faster, faster. Goodbye. Scene three.

  When the curtain rises, one sees nothing but old black lanterns with orange lights hanging presumably from the sky. The scene lights up slowly, revealing Alice seated on two large cushions. She has been dropped behind by the White Queen and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach.

  Oh, my head. Where am I? Oh, dear. Oh, dear. She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table.

  I've never been smaller than any table before. I've always been able to reach the knobs. What a curious feeling. Oh, I'm shrinking. It's the fan.

  The gloves. She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against the table and doors. Oh, saved in time. But I never, never. Oh, my fan and gloves.

  Where am I? Oh, Mr. Rabbit, please help me out. I want to go home. I want to go home. Oh, the Duchess.

  Oh, my fur and whiskers. She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets. Oh, you have them. I'm sorry. You drop them, you know.

  The White Rabbit picks up fan and gloves and patters off. She'll chop off your head. If you please, sir. Where am I? Won't you please tell me how to get out?

  I want to get out. The White Rabbit looks at his watch. Oh, my ears and whiskers. How late it's getting. A trap door gives way and Rabbit disappears.

  Alice dashes after, only in time to have the trap door bang in her face. It's a rabbit hole. I'm small enough to fit it too. If I shrink any more, it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then.

  What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is blown out? I've never seen such a thing. Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall. Don't stand shattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business. My name is Alice, but…

  It's a stupid name enough. What does it mean? Must a name mean something? Of course it must. My name means the shape I am, and a good handsome shape it is too.

  With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. You're Humpty Dumpty. Just like an egg. It's very provoking to be called an egg. Very.

  I said you looked like an egg, sir. And some eggs are very pretty, you know. Some people have no more sense than a baby. Why do you sit here all alone? Why, because there's nobody with me.

  Did you think I didn't know the answer to that? Ask another. Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground? That wall's so very narrow. What tremendously easy riddles, you ask.

  Of course I don't think so. Take a good look at me. I'm one that has spoken to a king, I am. To show you I'm not proud, you may shake hands with me. He leans forward to offer Alice his hand, but she is too small to reach it.

  However, this conversation is going on a little too fast. Let's go back to the last remark, but one. I'm afraid I can't remember it. In that case, we start fresh, and it's my turn to choose the subject. You talk about it just as if it were a game.

  So here's a question for you. How old did you say you were? Seven years and six months. Wrong! You never said a word about it.

  Now if you'd asked my advice, I'd have said leave off at seven, but... I never ask advice about growing. Too proud? What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I should have said.

  No, a belt, I mean. I beg your pardon. If only I knew which was neck and which was waist. It is a most provoking thing when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt. I know it's very ignorant of me.

  It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's glory for you. I don't know what you mean by glory. When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less. The question is whether you can make words mean different things.

  The question is which is to be master. That's all. Impenetrability! That's what I say. Would you tell me, please, what that means?

  I meant by impenetrability that we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you meant to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life. That's a great deal to make one word mean. When I make a word do a lot of work like that, I always pay it extra.

  Oh! Ah, you should see them come round me over Saturday night, for to get their wages, you know. That's all. Goodbye.

  Goodbye. Till we meet again? I shouldn't know you again if we did meet. You're so exactly like other people. The face is what one goes by generally.

  That's just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has. The two eyes, so nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance, or the mouth at

  the top, that would be some help. It wouldn't look nice. Wait till you've tried. Goodbye. He disappears as he came.

  Oh, I forgot to ask him how to... She tries to open the doors. They are all locked. She begins to weep. She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge.

  She sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the doors, but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps. And what's next? She looks at the door and she looks up.

  She looks up and she looks down. She looks up and she looks down. She looks up and she looks down. She looks up and she looks down. She looks up and she looks down.

  She looks up and she looks down. It isn't marked poison. She sips at it. This is good. Tastes like cherry tart.

  Custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee and hot butter toast, all together. Oh, oh I'm letting out like a telescope. A mysterious light shows her lengthening out. Music. But the lake is rising too!

  I'm drowning in my tears! Yiggy skrr! Yiggy skrr! The griffon, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears where Humpty Dumpty had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab

  and save Alice. Scene four. It's symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The mock turtle is weeping dismally. Yiggy skrr!

  Yiggy skrr! Yiggy skrr! The mock turtle answers with his weeping. Ha ha ha ha ha! Hmm!

  The griffon drags Alice in. Drop your tears into the sea with his. He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would break. What is his sorrow?

  Oh, griffon, it's terrible. He's always fancy that. Mock turtle hasn't got no sorrow. Is here young lady.

  She wants for to know your history she do. I'll tell her, sit down both of you and don't speak a word till I've finished. I don't see how you can ever finish if you don't begin.

  Once I was a real turtle. A long silence is broken only by the exclamations of the griffon and the heavy sobbing of the mock turtle. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

  When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old turtle. We used to call him Tortoise. Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn't one?

  We called him Tortoise because he taught us. Really, you are very dull. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Why bore an old fellow?

  What be all day about it? Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it. I never said I didn't. You did?

  Hold your tongue. We had the best of educations. In fact, we went to school every day. I've been to a day school too. You needn't be so proud as all that. With extras?

  Yes, we learned French and music. And washing? Certainly not. Ah, then yours wasn't a really good school. Now, at ours we had at the end of the bill French, music and washing.

  Extra. You couldn't have wanted it much, living at the bottom of the sea. I couldn't afford to learn it. I only took the regular course.

  What was that? Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of arithmetic, ambition, distraction, uglification and division.

  I never heard of uglification. What is it? Never heard of uglifying? You know what to beautify is, I suppose. Yes, it means to make anything prettier.

  Well then, you don't know what to uglify is. You are a simpleton. What else had you to learn? Well, there was mystery, mystery, ancient and modern,

  with seaography, then drawing. The drawing master was an old conger eel. It used to come once a week. What he taught us was drawing,

  stretching, fainting in coils. What was that like? Well, I can't show it to you myself. I'm too stiff,

  and Griffin never learned it. Hadn't time. I went to the classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was. I never went to him.

  He taught laughing and grief, they used to say. So he did, so he did. And how many hours a day did you do lessons? Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.

  What a curious plan. That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lesson from day to day. Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday. Of course it was.

  And how did you manage on the twelve? That's enough about lessons. Tell us something about the games now. Mock Turtle sighs deeply, draws back one flapper across his eyes.

  He looks at Alice and tries to speak, but Sobs choke his voice. Uhhh... Griffin punches him on the back. Same as if he had a bone in his throat. The Mock Turtle with tears running down his cheeks.

  You may not have lived much under the sea. I haven't. And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster. I once tasted... No, never.

  So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a lobster quadrille is. No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it? Why, you first form into a line along the seashore.

  Two lines. Seals, turtles, salmon and so on. Then when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way... That generally takes some time. You advance twice.

  Each with a lobster as a partner. Of course, advance twice set to partners. Change lobsters and retire in same order. Then, you know, you throw the... The lobsters!

  As far out to sea as you can. Swim after them! Turn a somersault in the sea. Change lobsters again! Back to land again.

  And that's all the first figure. It must be a very pretty dance. Would you like to see a little of it? Very much indeed. Come, let's try the first figure.

  We can do it without the lobsters, you know. Which will sing? Oh, you sing. I've forgotten the words. Creatures solemnly dance round and round Alice,

  treading on her toes, waving forepaws to mark time while Mock Turtle sings. Will you walk a little faster? Said a whiting to a snail. There's a porpoise clear behind us

  and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance. They are waiting on the shingle. Will you come and join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you,

  will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance? You can really have no notion how delightful it will be when they take us up and throw us with the lobsters out to sea.

  But the snail replied, too far, too far, and gave a look askance. Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not,

  would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance. The creatures dance against Alice, pushing her back and forth between them.

  She protests and finally escapes. They bump against each other. Thank you. It's a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that curious song about the whiting.

  Oh, as to the whiting, they, you've seen them, of course. Yes, I've often seen them at din. Checks herself hastily. Well, I don't know where din may be, but if you've seen them so often, of course,

  you know what they're like. I believe so. They have their tails and their mouths, and they're all over crumbs. You're wrong about the crumbs.

  Crumbs would all wash off in the sea, but they have their tails in their mouths, and the reason is... Mark Turtle yawns and shuts his eyes. Ah, tell her about the reason and all that.

  The reason is that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea, so they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths,

  so they couldn't get them out again. That's all. Thank you. It was very interesting. I never knew so much about whiting before.

  I can tell you more than that if you'd like. Do you know why it's called a whiting? I never thought about it. Why? It does the boots and shoes.

  Does the boots and shoes? Why, what are your shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny? They're done with blacking, I believe. Boots and shoes under the sea are done with whiting.

  Now you know. And what are they made of? Soles and heels, of course. Any shrimp could have told you that. If I'd been the whiting, I'd have said to the porpoise,

  keep back, please, we don't want you with us. They were obliged to have him with them. No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise. Wouldn't it really? Of course not.

  Why, if a fish came to me and told me he was going on a journey, I should say, with what porpoise? Don't you mean purpose? I mean what I say. Shall we try another figure of the lobster quadrille?

  Or would you like the mock turtle to sing you a song? Oh, a song, please, if the mock turtle would be so kind. Um, no accounting for tastes. Sing her turtle soup, would you, old fellow? The mock turtle sighs deeply and sometimes,

  choked with sobs, sings. Beautiful soup, so rich and green, waiting in a hut to rain. Oh, for such dainties would not stoop. Soup of the evening, beautiful soup.

  Soup of the evening, beautiful soup. Beautiful soup. Beautiful soup. Soup of the evening. Beautiful, beautiful soup.

  Check. They won't let her stay in our square. The queen is coming this way. To chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let's fly.

  The curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of the griffon, mock turtle, and Alice in an orange-coloured moon far away in the sky. Down below, the white rabbit is shouting to them. You'll be safe in the March Hare's garden.

  Curtain. End of Act 1.

• 02 - Act 2

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  Act II. Scene The March Hare's garden, showing part of the Duchess's house. On a small platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into the wings to give the impression of limitless length.

  The March Hare, Hatter, and Dormouse are crowded at one end. The Duchess sits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised, she rises and approaches the table. No room! No room!

  There's plenty of room. She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table. I don't know who you are. I am the March Hare, that's the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some wine.

  I don't see any wine. There isn't any. Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it. It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. I didn't know it was your table.

  It's made for a great many more than three. Your hare wants cutting. You should learn not to make personal remarks. It's very rude. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

  Come, we shall have some fun now. I'm glad you've begun asking riddles. I believe I can guess that. So you mean you think you can find out the answer to it? Exactly so.

  Then you should say what you mean. I do. At least, at least I mean what I say. That's the same thing, you know. Not the same thing a bit.

  Why you might just as well say that I see what I eat is the same thing as I eat what I see. You might as well say that I like what I get is the same as I get what I like. You might just as well say that I breathe when I sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I breathe.

  It is the same thing with you. Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear. What day of the month is it? The fourth. Two days wrong.

  I told you butter wouldn't suit the works. It was the best butter. Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife. The March Hare takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and

  looks at it again, but doesn't know what else to say. It was the best butter, you know. What a funny watch. It tells the day of the month and doesn't tell what o'clock it is. Why should it?

  Does your watch tell you what year it is? Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together. Which is just the case with mine. I don't quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly English.

  The Hatter pours some hot tea onto the Dormouse's nose. The Dormouse is asleep again. Of course, of course. Just what I was going to remark myself. Have you guessed the riddle yet?

  No, I give it up. What's the answer? I haven't the slightest idea. Nor I. I think you might do something better with the time than wasting it and asking riddles

  that have no answers. If you knew time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him. I don't know what you mean. Of course you don't.

  I dare say you never even spoke to time. Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music. Ah, that accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the

  clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning just time to begin lessons. You'd only have to whisper a hint to time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling. Half past one. Time for dinner.

  I only wish it was. That would be grand, certainly, but then I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know. Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you like. Is that the way you manage? Not I. We quarrelled last March, just before he went mad.

  You know, it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing. Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder what you're at. You know the song, perhaps? I've heard something like it. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle.

  Well I'd hardly finished the first verse. Then the Queen bawled out. He's murdering the time. Off with his head. How dreadfully savage!

  And ever since that he won't do a thing, I ask. It's always six o'clock now. Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here? Yes, that's it. It's always tea time, and we've no time to wash the things between wiles.

  Then you keep moving round, I suppose. Exactly. So as the things get used up... But when you come to the beginning again? Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story. I'm afraid I don't know one.

  Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up, Dormouse. They pinch him on both sides at once. The Dormouse opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice. I wasn't asleep. I heard every word you fellows were saying.

  Tell us a story. Yes, please do. And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's done. Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacey, and Tilly, and they lived at the bottom of a well. What did they live on?

  They lived on Treacle. They couldn't have done that, you know. They'd have been ill. So they were very ill. But why did they live at the bottom of a well? Have some more tea.

  I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more. You mean you can't take less. It's very easy to take more than nothing. Nobody asked your opinion. Who's making personal remarks? No. Alice helps herself to tea and bread and butter.

  Why did they live at the bottom of a well? The Dormouse takes a minute or two to think. Hmm. It was a Treacle well. There is no such thing. Shush! Shush!

  If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself. No, please. Go on. I won't interrupt you again. I dare say there may be one. One indeed. And so these three little sisters, they were learning to draw, you know. What did they draw? Treacle.

  I want a clean cup. Let's all move one place on. Hatcher moves on. Dormouse takes his place. March Hare takes Dormouse's place. And Alice unwittingly takes March Hare's place. I'm worse off than I was before. You've upset the milk jug into your plate. It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. Where did they draw the Treacle from?

  You can draw water out of a water well. So I should think you could draw a Treacle out of a Treacle well. Eh, stupid? But they were in the well. Of course they were. Well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew on manner of things. Everything that begins with an M. Why with an M? Why not?

  Alice is silent and confused. Hatcher pinches Dormouse to wake him up. The Dormouse wakes up with a little shriek and continues. That begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness. You know you say things are much of a muchness. Did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness? Did you? Really, now you ask me. I don't think... Then you shouldn't talk.

  No. Alice rises and walks away. You are very rude. It's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life. The White Rabbit enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it. No room.

  No room. Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door. For the Duchess! An invitation from the Queen to play croquet! From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. White Rabbit bows and goes out.

  No room. No room. No room. No room. No room.

  The frog disappears into the room that leaves the door open. There is a terrible din and many saucepans fly out. She's at it again. It's perfectly disgusting. Let's move on. The platform moves off with the table, chairs, march hair, hatter and doormouse.

  Meanwhile the frog has come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes to the door timidly and knocks. There's no sort of use in knocking. And that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are. Secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one can possibly hear you.

  Please then, how am I to get in? There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock and I could let you out, you know. How am I to get in? I shall sit here till tomorrow.

  The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the frog's head. It grazes his nose and breaks into pieces. The frog acts as if nothing had happened. Or next day, maybe. How am I to get in? Are you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know.

  It's really dreadful the way all your creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy. I shall sit here on and off for days and days. But what am I to do? Anything you like. He begins to whistle.

  Where's the servant whose business it is to answer the door? Which door? This door, of course. The frog looks at the door and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will come off. To answer the door? What's it been asking for?

  I don't know what you mean. I speaks English, doesn't I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you? Nothing. I've been knocking at it. Shouldn't do that. Shouldn't do that. Vexes it, you know. He kicks the door.

  You let it alone. And it'll let you alone, you know. Oh, there's no use talking to you. She starts to open the door just as the duchess comes out carrying a pig in baby's clothes. She sneezes. Frog sneezes and Alice sneezes. Have everybody minded her own business?

  It's pepper. Of course. My cook puts it in the soup. There's certainly too much pepper in the soup. Sneeze then and get rid of it. The duchess begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line of the lullaby.

  Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes. Frog and Alice sneeze. Achoo! He only does it to annoy because he knows it teases. Duchess sneezes. Frog sneezes. Alice sneezes.

  Achoo! Achoo! I speak severely to my boy. I beat him when he sneezes. Frog sneezes. Alice sneezes. Achoo!

  For he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases. Duchess sneezes. Frog sneezes. Alice sneezes. Duchess gasps and gives a tremendous sneeze. Achoo! Achoo!

  Oh dear. She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The duchess pays no attention. What a cook to have! She calls inside.

  Oh please mind what you're doing. Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby. Oh there goes his precious nose. If everybody minded her own business the world would go round a deal faster than it does. Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with the day and night.

  You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis. Talking of axis, chop off her head. The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall. Oh what's that? Cat of course.

  Why does it grin like that? It's a Cheshire cat and that's why. To baby. Pig? I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned.

  In fact, I didn't know that cats could grin. They all can and most of them do. I don't know of any that do. You don't know much and that's a fact. You may nurse it a bit if you like.

  Flings the baby at Alice. I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen. She goes into the house. If I don't take this child away with me they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please which way I ought to walk from here?

  That depends a good deal on where you want to get to. I don't much care where. Then it doesn't matter which way you walk. So long as I get somewhere. Oh, you're sure to do that if you only walk long enough.

  Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here? All mad people. But I don't want to go among mad people. Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here.

  I'm mad, he's mad, he's dreaming now. And what do you think he's dreaming about? Alice goes to the Frog to scrutinize his face. Nobody could guess that. Why, about you?

  And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you'd be? Where I am now, of course. Not you. You'd be nowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream.

  And you're mad too. How do you know I'm mad? You must be, or you wouldn't have come here. How do you know that you're mad? To begin with, a dog's not mad.

  You grant that. I suppose so. Well then, you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore, I'm mad.

  I call it purring, not growling. Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today? I shall like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet. You'll see me there.

  Vanishes. Alice to the squirming baby. Oh dear, it's heavy and so ugly. Don't grunt. Oh, oh, it's a pig.

  Please, Mr. Footman, take it. Frog rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house. A kettle comes bounding out. Alice puts pig down and it crawls off. The cat appears again.

  By the by, what became of the baby? It turned into a pig. I thought it would. Vanishes. Frog comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingos.

  The cat reappears. Did you say pig or fig? I said pig, and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly. You make one quite giddy. All right.

  It vanishes slowly. Frog puts flamingos down and reenters the house. While Alice is examining the flamingos curiously, Tweedledum and Tweedledee, each with an arm around the other's neck, side step in and stand looking at Alice. Alice turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers.

  Tweedledee. Doom. If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay. Contrarywise, if you think we're alive, you ought to speak. The first thing in the visit to say is how do you do, and shake hands.

  The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are free to shake hands with her. Alice does not like shaking hands with either of them first. For fear of hurting the other one's feelings, she takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance around in a ring, quite naturally to music. Here we go around the mulberry bush.

  Would you tell me which road leads out of... What shall I repeat to her? The walrus and the carpenter is the longest. It gives his brother an affectionate hug. The sun was shining.

  If it's very long, would you please tell me first which road? The moon was shining so cally. The sea was wet, as wet could be. Oh, oysters, come and walk with us, the walrus did beseech. A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk along the briny beach.

  The elst's oyster winked his eye and shook his heavy head. Meaning to say he did not choose to leave the oyster bed. But four young oysters hurried up, and yet another four. And thick and fast they came at last, and more, and more, and more. The walrus and the carpenter walked a mile or so.

  And then they rested on a rock, conveniently low. And all the little oysters stood, waiting in a row. A loaf of bread, the walrus said, is what we chiefly need. Now if you're ready, oysters dear, we can begin to feed. But not on us, the oysters cried, turning a little blue.

  The night is fine, the walrus said. Do you admire the view? The carpenter said nothing but cut us another slice. I wish you were not quite so deep, I've had to ask you twice. It seems a shame, the walrus said, to play such a trick.

  After you've brought them so far and made them trot so quick. Oh oysters, said the carpenter, you've had a pleasant run. Shall we be trotting home again? But answer came them none. This was scarcely odd because...

  They'd eaten every... Did you see that? Dee interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground. It's only a rattle. Dum stamps wildly and tears his hair.

  I knew it was! It's spoiled, of course, my nice new rattle. To Dee. You agree to have a battle? He collects saucepans in pots. Dee picks up a saucepan.

  I suppose so. Let's fight till dinner. They go out hand in hand. Alice hears music. I wonder what is going to happen next? She backs downstage respectfully as the king and queen hearts enter,

  followed by the knave of hearts carrying the king's crown on a crimson velvet cushion and the white rabbit and others. When they come opposite to Alice, they stop and look at her. The duchess comes out of her house. Who is this?

  The knave bows three times, smiles and giggles. Hmm hmm hmm. Idiot. What's your name, child? My name is Alice. So plays your majesty.

  Off with her head! Off! Nonsense! Consider, my dear, she is only a child. Can you play croquet? Yes.

  Come on, then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets? Here. The frog appears with the flamingos and hedgehogs. Off with his head! No one pays her any attention.

  What fun! What is the fun? Why, she, it's all her fans say that. They never execute anyone. What does one do? Get to your places!

  She takes the flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and the hedgehog as a ball. The frog doubles himself into an arch. The king does the same with the flowers and the knave offers himself as an arch for Alice. Even though Alice does not notice him, he holds the arch position. The queen shouts at intervals.

  Off with his head! Off with her head! Where are the chess queens? Under sentence of execution. What for? Did you say, what a pity?

  No, I didn't. I don't think it's at all a pity. I said, what for? They boxed the queen's ears. Alice gives a little scream of laughter. Oh, hush. The queen will hear you. You see, they came rather late. And the queen said, oh dear, the queen hears me.

  He hurries away. Alice notices the knave who is still pretending to be an arch. How can you go on thinking so quietly with your head downwards? What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep on inventing new things.

  Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood? Yes, I did. Several thousand, I should think. Four thousand, two hundred and seven. That's the exact number. They couldn't send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven't sent the two messengers either.

  What's the war about? The Red Chess King has the whole army against us, but he can't kill a man who has thirteen hearts. The Duchess, Queen, Frog and followers go out. The knave and the five-spot, seven-spot and nine-spot of hearts stand behind the king. Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my messengers.

  I see nobody on the road. I only wish I had such eyes to be able to see nobody, and at that distance too. Why, it's as much as I can do to see real people by this light. I see somebody now, but he's coming so very slowly. And what curious attitudes he goes into, skipping up and down and wriggling like an eel.

  Not at all. Those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy. I must have two messengers, you know, to come and go. One to come and one to go.

  I beg your pardon? It isn't respectable to beg. I only meant that I didn't understand. Why one to come and one to go? Don't I tell you?

  I must have two, to fetch and carry, one to fetch and one to carry. The march-chair enters, pants her breath, waves his hands about and makes fearful faces at the king. You alarm me. I feel faint. Give me a ham sandwich.

  Another sandwich! Left now! Hey, then, there's nothing like eating hay when you're faint. I should think throwing cold water over you would be better. I didn't say there was nothing better.

  I said there was nothing like it. Who did you pass on the road? Nobody. Quite right. This young lady saw him too.

  So, of course, nobody walks slower than you. I do my best. I'm sure nobody walks faster than I do. He can't do that, or else he'd have been here first. However, now you've got your breath.

  You may tell us what's happened in the town. A whisperet. Much to Alice's surprise, he shouts into the king's ear. They're out here. Do you call that a whisper?

  If you do such a thing again, I'll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. The king and the march-chair go out, followed by the five, seven and nine spots. The Duchess runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into Alice's. You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing.

  Oh! You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember in a bit. Perhaps it hasn't won. Tuck, tuck, child.

  Everything's got a moral if only you can find it. Squeezes closely, dakes her chin into Alice's shoulder, and roughly drags Alice along for a walk. The game's going on rather better now. Tis so, and the moral of that is, oh, tis love, tis love, that makes the world go round. Somebody said that it's done by everybody minding their own business.

  Ah, well, it means much the same thing. And the moral of that is, take care of the scents, and the sounds will take care of themselves. How fond you are of finding morals in things. I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist. The reason is that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo.

  Shall I try the experiment? He might bite. Very true. Flamingos and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is, birds of a feather flock together.

  Only mustard isn't a bird. Right as usual. What a clear way you have of putting things. It's a mineral, I think. Of course it is.

  There's a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that is, the more there is of mine, the less there is of yours. Oh, I know. It's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.

  I quite agree with you. And the moral of that is, be what you would seem to be. Or, if you'd like it put more simply, never imagine yourself to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

  I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I can't quite follow it as you say it. That's nothing to what I could say if I chose. Don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that. Oh, don't talk about trouble.

  I make you a present of everything I've said as yet. Hmm. Thinking again. I've got a right to think. Just about as much right as pigs have to fly.

  And the moral... The arm of the Duchess begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The Queen of Hearts stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a thunderstorm. A fine day, Your Majesty. Now, I give you fair warning.

  Either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time. Take your choice. The Duchess goes meekly into the house. Let's go on with the game. She goes off and shouts at intervals.

  Off with his head! Off with her head! How are you getting on? It's no use speaking to you till your ears have come. I don't think they play at all fairly, in the old quarrel so, and they don't seem to

  play at all. I've got a few rules in particular, and you've no idea how confusing it is with all the things alive. There's the arch I've got to go through next, walking about at the other end of the ground. And I should have croaked the Queen's hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine

  coming. Music begins. How do you like the Queen? Not at all. She's so extremely...

  The King, Queen, and the entire court enters. The Queen is near to Alice. The music stops and all look at Alice questioningly. Alice tries to propitiate the Queen. Likely to win, music continues, that it's hardly worthwhile finishing the game.

  Queen smiles and passes on. Who are you talking to? It's a friend of mine, a Cheshire cat. Allow me to introduce it. I don't like the look of it at all.

  However, it may kiss my hand if it likes. I'd rather not. Don't be impertinent, and don't look at me like that. A cat may look at a king. I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where.

  Well, it must be removed. My dear, I wish you would have this cat removed. Off with his head! But you can't cut off a head unless there's a body to cut it off from. Anything that has a head can be beheaded.

  If something isn't done about it in less than no time, I'll have everybody executed all round. It belongs to the Duchess. You'd better ask her about it. It's a lie. You'd better ask me. Do it if you can. It grins away. The Duchess and Frog escape into the house.

  Cut it off! It's gone! It's gone! It's gone! It's gone! It's gone!

  It's gone! It's gone! Where? Where? Where?

  Where? Where? Cut it off! Cut them all off! No, no, no! No, no!

  No! No, no! No! No! Save me! Save me!

  The knave shouts to Alice and gives her a tart for safety. Take a tart! The Queen sees Alice stand out a moment from the others. Cut hers off! Cut hers off! The others are glad to distract the Queen's attention from themselves.

  Cut hers off! Cut hers off! Cut hers off! Alice cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trapdoor on the stage, Alice disappears down it,

  leaving the crowd circling around the hole, screaming and amazed. If the stage has no trapdoor, a bridge is built across the footlights with the stair leading down into the orchestra pit. When the crowd is chasing Alice, she jumps over the footlights and runs onto the bridge as the curtain is falling,

  dividing her from the crowd as she appeals to the audience. Save me! Save me! Who will save me? And runs down the stairs and disappears. Curtain.

  End of Act 2.

• 03 - Act 3

  play_arrowPlaymenu_bookRead

  Act 3 of Alice in Wonderland by Alice Gernstenberg. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Scene 1. It's a garden of high, very conventional and artificial-looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the caterpillar smoking a hookah. Alice is whirling about, trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of

  her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at the caterpillar wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice. Who are you? I-I hardly know, sir, just at present. The queen frightened me so, and I've had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel, or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up

  this morning. But I think I must have been changed several times since then. What do you mean by that? Explain yourself. I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir. Because I'm not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing. You? Who?

  I think you ought to tell me who you are first. Why? As Alice turns away, Something important to say. Alice comes back.

  Keep your temper. Is that all? No. He puffs at the hookah in silence, finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms. So you think you're changed it, do you?

  I'm afraid I am, sir. I don't keep the same size. Size do you want to be? I don't know. At least I've never been so small as a caterpillar. The caterpillar rears angrily. It is a very good height indeed.

  But I'm not used to it. I wish you wouldn't all be so easily offended. You get used to it in time. Are you too big, or am I too small? She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers. The caterpillar looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom,

  and crawls slowly away. One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter. One side of what? The other side of what? Of the mushroom. Alice hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side.

  Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans. Look out now, Five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that. I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow. That's right, Five. Always lay the blame on others. You better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserve to be beheaded.

  What for? That's none of your business, too. Yes, it is his business, and I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cooked tulip roots instead of onions. Well, of all the unjust things.

  Sees Alice. Others look around. All bow. Could you please tell me what side to eat? Five and Seven look at Two. I don't know anything about it. He paints a white rose red.

  You ought to have been red. We put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off. A thumping is heard off stage, and the music grows louder and louder. What's that? The White Chest Queen.

  Don't let her see what we are doing. She'll tell on us. Run out and stop her from coming here. Five Spot says to Alice as she runs to the right. No, no, the other way.

  But she's off there. You can only meet her by walking the other way. Oh, what nonsense. Go the other way. Alice re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left.

  She's running away from me. The White Queen backs in from right and Alice backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry, the Queen! And throw themselves flat upon the ground. Their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack.

  Music stops. Alice looks at the Queen curiously. Oh, there you are. Why, I'm just the size I was when I saw you last. Of course you are.

  And who are these? I can't tell them by their backs. She turns them over with her foot. Turn over. Ah, I thought so.

  Get up. What have you been doing here? May it please your Majesty. We were trying. The White Queen examines Rose.

  I see. Be gone or I'll send the horses after you and tell the Queen of Hearts. Gardeners rush off. The Red Queen enters. Alice has gone to the mushroom again to look at the sides and there,

  to her amazement, finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The Queens watch Alice superciliously. Alice puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, Queen Alice!

  And walks downstage bowing right and left to the homage of her imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true. Queen Alice. Music stops. Ridiculous!

  Is this the Eighth Square? You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination. The sooner we begin it, the better. Please, would you tell me? Speak when you're spoken to.

  But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that- Preposterous! I only said if.

  She says she only said if. The White Queen moans and wrings her hands. Oh, but she said a great deal more than that. Ah yes, so much more than that. So you did, you know.

  Always speak the truth, think before you speak, and write it down afterwards. I'm sure I didn't mean- That's just what I complained of. You should have meant. What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning?

  Even a joke should have some meaning. And a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands. I don't deny things with my hands. Nobody said you did.

  I said you couldn't if you tried. She's in that state of mind that she wants to deny something, only she doesn't know what to deny. A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice's dinner party this afternoon.

  And I invite you. I didn't know I was to have a party at all. But if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests. We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you've not had many lessons in manners yet.

  Manners are not taught in lessons. Lessons teach you to do sums and things of that sort. Can you do addition? What's 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1 and 1? I don't know.

  She can't do addition. Can you do subtraction? 9 from 8, I can't, you know, but... She can't do subtraction. Can you do division?

  Divide a loaf by a knife. What's the answer to that? I suppose. The Red Queen answers for her. Bread and butter, of course.

  Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog. What remains? The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it. And the dog wouldn't remain.

  It would come to bite me. And I'm sure I shouldn't remain. Then you think nothing would remain? I think that's the answer. Wrong as usual.

  The dog's temper would remain. But I don't see how. Why, look here. The dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it? Perhaps it would.

  Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain. They might go different ways. What dreadful nonsense we are talking! She can't do sums a bit. Can you do sums?

  I can do addition if you give me time. But I can't do subtraction under any circumstances. Of course you know your ABC. To be sure I do. So do I.

  We'll often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret. I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However, don't be discouraged.

  You'll come to it in time. Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made? I know that. You take some flour.

  Where do you pick the flour? In a garden or in the hedges? Well, it isn't picked at all. It's ground. How many acres of ground?

  You mustn't leave out so many things. Fan her head. She'll be feverish after so much thinking. They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly. Please, please.

  She's all right again now. Do you know languages? What's the French for fiddle-dee-dee? Fiddle-dee-dee is not English. Who ever said it was?

  If you tell me what language fiddle-dee-dee is, I'll tell you the French for it. Queens never make bargains. I wish queens never asked questions. Don't let us quarrel.

  What is the cause of lightning? The cause of lightning is the thunder. No, no. I meant the other way. It's too late to correct it.

  When you've once said a thing that fixes it, and you must take the consequences. We had such a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can't think. She never could, you know.

  Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in, and it went rolling round the room in great lumps, and knocking over the tables and things, till I was so frightened I couldn't remember my own name.

  I never should try to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it? You must excuse her. She means well,

  but she can't help saying foolish things as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it's amazing how good-tempered she is. Pat her on the head and see how pleased she'll be. A little kindness and putting her hair in papers

  would do wonders with her. The white queen gives a deep sigh and leans her head on Alice's shoulder. Oh, I am so sleepy. She's tired, poor thing.

  Smooth her hair, lend her your nightcap, and sing her a soothing lullaby. I haven't got a nightcap with me, and I don't know any soothing lullabies.

  I must do it myself, then. Hush-a-bye, lady, in Alice's lap, Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap. When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball, Red queen and white queen and Alice and all.

  And now you know the words. She puts her head on Alice's other shoulder. Just sing it through to me. I'm getting sleepy, too. Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly.

  What am I to do? Take care of two queens asleep at once. Do wake up, you heavy things. All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on Alice and the queens.

  The white rabbit blows trumpet off stage. The trial's beginning! What trial is it? Who stole the tarts? I ate a tart.

  You've got to be tried. I don't want to be tried. You've got to be tried. I won't be tried. I won't.

  I won't. Scene 2 It's a courtroom suggesting playing cards. The jury men are all kinds of creatures. The king and queen of hearts are seated on the throne.

  The knave is before them in chains. The white rabbit has a trumpet in one hand and a scroll of piterant in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it.

  The white rabbit blows three blasts on his trumpet. Silence in the court! Alice watches jury men writing busily on their slates. What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet

  before the trial's begun. They're putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial. Stupid things! Silence in the court!

  The jurors write in chorus. Stupid things! How do you spell stupid? A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial's over. There's a pencil squeaking.

  Cut it down! The jurors in chorus as they write. Squeaking! The king wears a crown over his wig, puts on his spectacles as he says.

  Harold, read the accusation. The white rabbit blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls a parchment scroll and reads to the music. Ba-dum! Ba-dum! Ba-dum! The queen of hearts, she made some tarts

  all on a summer day. The knave of hearts, he stole those tarts and took them quite away. Consider your verdict. Not yet, not yet.

  There's a great deal to come before that. Call the first witness. First witness! The hatter comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.

  I beg your pardon, your majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for. You ought to have finished. When did you begin? The hatter looks at the March Hare,

  who follows him arm in arm with the Dormouse. Fourteenth of March, I think it was… Fifteenth. Sixteenth. Write that down.

  Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, forty-five. Reduce that to shillings. Take off your hat. It isn't mine. Stolen!

  Stolen! I keep them to sell. I have none of my own. I'm a hatter. The queen of hearts puts on her spectacles

  and stares at the hatter, who fidgets uncomfortably. Give your evidence, and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot. The hatter continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other,

  looks uneasily at the queen, trembles so that he shakes off both his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter. I am a poor man, your majesty,

  and I hadn't but just begun my tea. Not above a week or so, and what with the bread and butter getting so thin, and the twinkling of the tea. The twinkling of what?

  It began with the tea. Of course twinkling begins with a tea. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on. I'm a poor man, and most things twinkle after that,

  only the March Hare said— I didn't. You did. I deny it. He denies it.

  Leave out that part. But what did the door mouse say? That I can't remember. You must remember, or I'll have you executed. The hatter drops teacup and bread and butter,

  and goes down on one knee. I'm a poor man, your majesty. If that's all you know about it, you may stand down. I can't go no lower. I'm on the floor as it is.

  Then you may sit down. I'd rather finish my tea. You may go. The hatter goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind. The Queen nonchalantly says to an officer,

  And just take his head off outside. But the hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door. Call the next witness. Next witness. The Duchess enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about.

  Everybody begins to sneeze. March Hare sneezes and rushes out. Give your evidence. Shant. Your majesty must cross-examine this witness.

  Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of? Pepper. The Duchess shakes the pot and the court sneezes. Chica.

  The Duchess shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time. Call the door mouse. Behead the door mouse. Turn that door mouse out of court.

  Suppress him. Pinch him. Hark with his whiskers. The whole court is in confusion, turning the door mouse out. And while it is settling down again, the Duchess disappears.

  The Duchess. She's gone. She's gone. Never mind. In a low tone to the Queen.

  Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache. Call the next witness. The White Rabbit fumbles with the parchment and then cries in a shrill little voice. Alice.

  Here. What do you know about this business? Nothing whatever. The King says to the jury. That's very important.

  Unimportant, Your Majesty means, of course. Unimportant, of course, I meant. Important, unimportant, unimportant, important. Consider your verdict. Some of the jury write important and some write unimportant.

  There's more evidence to come yet, please, Your Majesty. This paper has just been picked up. What's in it? The White Rabbit fumbles with a huge envelope. I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter written by the prisoner to, to somebody.

  It must have been that, unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know. Who is it directed to? It isn't directed at all. In fact, there's nothing written on the outside. Takes out a tiny piece of paper.

  It isn't a letter at all. It's a set of verses. Are they in the prisoner's handwriting? The jury brightens up. The White Rabbit looks at the knave's hand.

  The knave hides his hand and the chains rattle. No, they're not. And that's the queerest thing about it. The jury looks puzzled. He must have imitated somebody else's hand.

  Please, Your Majesty. I didn't write it and they can't prove I did. There's no name signed at the end. If you didn't sign it, that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man.

  At this there is a general clapping of hands. That proves his guilt. It proves nothing of the sort. Why, you don't even know what they're about. Read them.

  The White Rabbit puts on his monocle. Where shall I begin, please, Your Majesty? Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end. Then stop. They told me you had been to her and mentioned me to him.

  She gave me a good character but said I could not swim. I gave her one. They gave him two. You gave us three or more. They all returned from him to you, though they were mine before.

  My notion was that you had been. Before she had this fit, an obstacle that came between him and ourselves and it. Don't let him know she liked him best for this must ever be a secret kept from all the rest between yourself and me. That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet.

  So now let the jury. If any of them can explain it, I'll give him six pence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it. She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it. If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know,

  as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know. Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them. I seem to see some meaning after all. Said I could not swim.

  You can't swim, can you? The knave shakes his head sadly and points to his suit. Do I look like it? All right, so far. We know it to be true.

  That's the jury, of course. I gave her one, they gave him two. Why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know. But it goes on. They all returned from him to you.

  The king triumphantly points to the tarts. Why, there they are. Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, before she had this fit, you never had fits, my dear, I think. Never.

  Then the words don't fit you. There's dead silence while the king looks around the court with a smile. It's a pun. Everybody laughs. Music.

  Let the jury consider their verdict. No, no. Sentence first, verdict afterwards. Stuff and nonsense. The queen says furiously.

  Hold your tongue. I won't. Off with her head. Who cares for you? Cut it off.

  You're nothing but a pack of cards. As the lights go out and the curtain falls, all the characters hold their positions as if petrified. Curtain. Scene three.

  The curtain rises to show Alice still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grates diffusing her with its glow. Wake up, Alice. It's time for tea. Off stage, the characters repeat their most characteristic lines.

  Off with her head. Consider your verdict. Oh, my fur and whiskers. The duchess sneezes. The cat cries.

  As if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all over Alice. There is music. Alice wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment. Why, it was a dream.

  Curtain. End of act three by Alice Gerstenberg.