menu_book Chapter 13

chapter thirteen of bindle by herbert jenkins this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by don w jenkins chapter thirteen oxford's welcome to bindle one at three o'clock on the following day the down platform at oxford station presented an almost gala appearance not only were the men of st joseph's there but hundreds of undergraduates from other colleges with rattles whistles horns flags and every other attribute of great rejoicing outside the station was a carriage with four horses a piebald a skewbald a white and another horse that seemed to have set out in life with a determination to be pink tom little had himself selected the animals with elaborate care a little distance away standing in groups was a band clothed gorgeously in scarlet and gold tunics and caps and nondescript trousers ranging from light gray to black tom little had given careful instructions that as soon as josiah williams should emerge from the station the band was to strike up see the conquering hero comes and they were to put into it all they knew if they produced a really good effect they were to have unlimited

reginald graves stood in the center of the platform some of the leading spirits of st joseph's keeping a clear space so that the meeting between uncle and nephew might be dramatic a more wretched-looking nephew of a millionaire uncle never existed round him were scores of men with cameras whom graves instinctively knew to be newspaper men and perched high above the crowd occupying important strategical positions he counted eight cinematograph cameras each with its attendant operator st joseph's men had been good customers to a well-known london peruquier of false wigs whiskers and mustaches with the aid of which an unlimited supply of newspaper and cinematograph men had been produced ignorant of all this graves groaned in spirit at four minutes past three the london train amid a general buzz of excitement steamed into the station pandemonium seemed to have broken out whistles shrilled bugles blew voices roared and rattles added their share to the general uproar the passengers in the train were at first startled and then became deeply interested from the platform hundreds of eyes searched the opening carriage doors

presently there was seen to alight a small man dressed in a black and white czech suit with a pale gray homburg hat adorned with a white puggery a ted tie patent boots and white spats over his left arm he carried a light dust coat and in his hand a gold-mounted malacca cane with a broad gold band in the right hand was an enormous cigar adorned with a red and gold band it was bindle that's him cried a hundred voices good old josh what price wallabies where's your lady friend and other irrelevant remarks were hurled from all quarters the cinematograph men turned their handles the newspaper men swarmed upon bindle and levelled their cameras from every possible angle graves was hastened to the spot where bindle was endeavouring to avoid looking into the barrel of a huge camera men hit him on the back poked him in the ribs shouted their welcomes and generally cheer o'd him after a desperate effort tom little fought his way through the crowd followed by travers and guggers dragging the reluctant graves suddenly tom little jumped up on guggers back

mr josiah williams we welcome you to oxford we the men of st joseph's bindle looked at the laughing faces and remarked and very nice too cheer o the lot this continued tom little when a space had been cleared largely due to guggers magnificent tackling this is your distinguished nephew reginald graves whom to know is to love the unhappy graves was dragged forward bindle extended two fingers of his left hand so you're polly's boy graves started his mother's name had been mary williams and his father had always called her polly was he dreaming or could it be possible that it was all true and that fame and fortune were before him a brother of his mother's had gone to australia when quite a little lad he was roused from his reverie by somebody shouting say how do you do to uncle and he found himself clasping bindle's two fingers with a warmth that surprised himself he looked round him there was a dense crowd waving flags and all in honour of this man who greeted him as nephew a new prospect opened itself to his bewildered brain if only it proved to be true

now come along mr williams it was tom little's voice again that broke in upon his thoughts we've got a carriage waiting for you travers had slipped out and found the band split up into three groups he went up to each in turn the first two he reminded that they were playing see the conquering hero comes in the third group he told that the clash of welcome had been changed to auld lang syne they must start at once as mr williams was just leaving the station urged by travers the band formed up with incredible speed just then bindle emerged with tom little on one side and guggers on the other he was saying to guggers look ere young feller if you can't talk without spittin in my ear you just dry up at that second the band broke out every man doing his utmost everyone looked a little surprised for the two melodies combined badly the drummer was the first to discover that something was wrong recognizing that the instruments round him were playing au lang syne he changed the time of his thumps then hearing the other tune he paused and with inspiration finished up by trying to combine the two melodies by putting in thumps from both some of the conquering heroes stopped and became ald lang syners whilst several ald lang syners went over to the enemy it was pandemonium

what's up with the band inquired bindle sounds like a crystal palace competition i hope nothing busts still the band went on god almighty what's that bindle's eyes dilated with something like horror at the sight of a huge brown shape sitting on the box of the carriage he stopped as if electrified that said tom little is a kangaroo your national animal me national what said bindle the national animal of australia oh said bindle keeping a wary eye on the beast whose tail hung down into the body of the carriage well i'm jiggered it looks like a circus he muttered look at them osses he claimed pointing with the hand that held the cigar to the steeds which had just caught his eye look at them osses bindle eventually entered the carriage with reginald graves on his left hand dick little and travers opposite guggers had intended to sit opposite also but bindle had asked in a whisper which nobody failed to hear ere can't you put that syphon somewhere else e'll soak me to the skin amid cheers the procession started the band which had a few minutes before blown itself to silence was now devoting itself enthusiastically to the washington post

on the box the kangaroo known in private life as horace trent the cox of the st joseph's boat performed a few innocent tricks to the great diversion of the crowd whilst bindle drawing from his pocket a red pocket-handkerchief with the five stars of australia upon it alternately waved his acknowledgments and lifted his hat i never knew young fellows like this could be so friendly he muttered grave spent his time alternately in praying that no one might see him and that bindle would become less uproariously genial having passed up and down every street of importance the procession finally made its way to the sceptre where bindle alighted and was conducted to his apartments by the bland manager at every turn were to be seen obsequious and deferential servants who had one eye on him and the other on the day of reckoning a late edition of that evening's oxford courier contained a piquant account of the reception accorded to mr josiah williams it referred to the generous if boisterous humour of the undergraduates it went on to state how our representative called at the sceptre where he was so fortunate as to catch the distinguished visitor just as he was entering mr williams is delighted with oxford his welcome and everybody he has met

they say english people are stiff and standoffish why i've had to change my collar kicking kangaroos exclaimed mr williams this is some country the first thing that struck our representative about mr williams was his genial and pleasant bearing an entire absence of self-importance he is obviously a simple man unspoiled by his great success reginald graves shuddered as he read this in the privacy of his own rooms remembering bindle's accent and deportment although he would neither confess to it nor deny it we understand that mr williams is in england in connection with certain philanthropic schemes we congratulate mr reginald graves on possessing as an uncle mr josiah williams and oxford on possessing mr reginald graves if only for a short time two so you're polly's boy bindle was receiving in his sitting-room at the scepter surrounded by the leading spirits of st joseph's including the kangaroo which was clutching a large glass of shandy-gaff

in the public bar below the band was busy realizing what hitherto had been little more than an ambition and about the high the remains of the crowd lingered reginald's your name ain't it bindle continued reg will do for me mother livin ow's your father still in the grocery business graves burst into an assurance that they were quite well then added that his mother was dead poor old paul murmured bindle looking anything but doleful and hiding a grin in the huge tankard that he raised to his lips she was a rare old sport never met your father quaint old bird ain't he mr graves was thankful when the conversation took a less domestic turn that afternoon he felt that the eyes of all oxford were upon him and deep down in his soul he cursed st joseph the college and every man therein worse was in store for graves when he returned to his rooms a message was brought by his scout that the master would like to see him in an agony of apprehension he made his way to the master's study he was relieved at the cordiality of his reception

i understand that your uncle has arrived graves i shall be very pleased to make his acquaintance perhaps you will bring him to luncheon to-morrow even reginald graves self-repression could not disguise his agony of mind he saw the luncheon-table dr peter playing the conventionally cordial host and mrs peter with her frigid mid-victorian austerity endeavouring to pose as a great lady was fate conspiring against him there was the supper that evening at bunjum's which he knew would be a torture and the martyrdom of the morrow human flesh was too frail to withstand it he found himself again saying that he should be delighted at least he assumed that was what he said dr peter seemed satisfied just as he was taking his leave he remarked were you responsible for this ill-conceived demonstration to-day at the station no sir most certainly not replied graves in a voice that carried conviction

very deplorable most deplorable it will probably give mr williams a very bad impression of english culture i shall look into the matter and find out who was guilty of this most unseemly exhibition i am glad to hear that you are not in any way implicated graves most deplorable most with a murmur of thanks graves left the master's study praying that dr peter might visit his wrath upon those responsible for what had caused him so much anguish and suffering oxford without bunjums would not be oxford st bunjum the hospitable was known throughout the empire his fame reached from east to west and north to south up the staircase leading to the famous dining-hall many illustrious men as yet unillustrious had passed with firm and confident step on the walls were innumerable flashlight photographs of famous suppers suppers that had reduced potential judges and incipient statesmen to helpless imbecility prime ministers to be generals of the future and admirals of the next generation had lost their bearings and their equilibrium as a result of the good fare liquid fare that is dispensed by the immortal

colonial governors viceroys and archbishops could have recalled uproarious nights spent beneath the hospitable roof of bunjums had their members not been subject to severe censorship framed above the head of the table was the quatrain written by a future poet laureate that was the pride of bunjum's heart take from me all i have my friends my songs for no one's ever somme one crowded hour of glorious life i crave let it be with bunjum never had bunjums presented so gay and glorious an appearance as on the wednesday evening of the famous supper to josiah williams applications for tickets had poured in upon the dinner committee hastily organized by the men of st joseph's many ideas in which originality and insanity were happily blended had been offered to the committee one man had even suggested that the waiters should be dressed as kangaroos but the idea had been discarded owing to the difficulty of jumping with plates of soup another suggestion had been that nothing but mr williams's mutton should be eaten whilst the third had proposed a bushman's menu an australian roads man had however with great gravity of countenance assured the committee that the bushmen were cannibals and the project had been abandoned

the banquet was limited to two hundred covers and the applications had exceeded twice that number preference was given to men of st joseph's and after that to the australian road scholars who had kindly undertaken during the course of the evening to reproduce the battle cry of the bushmen one rhodes scholar more serious than the rest suggested that the bushmen had no battle-cry but he was promptly told that they would possess one after that evening tom little had taken upon himself the guarding of reginald graves as a suspicion had flitted through the minds of the organizers of the feast that he might fail them at the last moment as a matter of fact he did venture a remark that he felt very ill and would go to bed that was during the afternoon but the committee of management had made it clear that he was to be at the dinner and that if he went to bed he would probably be there in pyjamas the committee called for mr josiah williams at the sceptre at eight-thirty formally to escort him to bunjum's they discovered bindle in the happiest of moods and full evening dress in his shirt-front blazed the munagona star the second finest diamond that australia had ever produced on his head was an opera hat and over his arm a light overcoat

the party walked over to bunjum's passing through a considerable crowd that had collected outside the sceptre at bunjum's the guests lined up on each side from the pavement up the stairs into the reception-room and as the guest of honour arrived arm-in-arm with tom little they broke out into for he's a jolly good fellow led by an impromptu band consisting of a concertina three mouth organs six whistles eighteen combs and a tea-tray dick little who had arrived by a later train than that carrying bindle was in the chair he was an old st joseph's man and his memory was still green although he had gone down some years previously on his right sat bindle the guest of the evening next to him were reginald graves and guggers when all the guests were seated the chairman's mallet called for order gentlemen you are too graceless a crew for grace but you understand the laws of hospitality that much i grant you it is our object to make our distinguished visitor mr josiah williams of monagoona thoroughly welcome and at home and to remind him of the sylvan glades of monagoona then turning to bindle am i right sir in assuming that monagoona has sylvan glades it the first time replied bindle mooniest place i was ever in it used to be called moon a spoon a till the birth-rate dropped this remark was greeted with a roar of approval

we will open the proceedings with a representation of the australian bushman's war-cry kindly contributed by certain rhodes scholars and others from the antipodes the war-cry was not a success but the meal that followed savoured of the palmiest days of bunjums the food was plentiful and excellently cooked the wine more plentiful and generously served bindle's greatest concern was his white shirt-front he had tucked his napkin in his collar but that did not reassure him because he then became alarmed lest the napkin should be soiled however he watched very carefully the careless well-bred eating of little and the finicking deportment of graves and managed to strike the middle course it is true he absorbed his soup with sibilance and from the point of the spoon but apart from that he acquitted himself excellently until the arrival of the asparagus when the waiter presented it bindle eyed the long slender stems suspiciously then he looked at the waiter and back again at the stems and shook his head nonsense said dick little nobody ever refuses asparagus at bunjums asperger alabunjum is a dish the memory of which every oxford man cherishes to the end of his days bindle weakened and helped himself liberally a circumstance which he soon regretted

how do i eat it he inquired of dick little in an anxious whisper watch me replied little the asparagus was tired and refused to preserve an erect position each stem seemed desirous of forming itself into an inverted u little selected a particularly wilted stem and threw his head well back in the position of a man about to be shaved and lowered the asparagus slowly into his mouth nobody took any particular notice of this and little had been very careful to take only two or three stems to the horror of graves bindle followed dick little's lead funny sort o stuff reggie ain't it said bindle resuming an upright position in order to select another stick seems as if yer ad to ave somebody rubbing yer while it goes down never in the history of bunjums had the famous asparagus been so neglected everybody was watching alternately bindle and graves bindle was enjoying himself but on the face of graves was painted an anguish so poignant that more than one man present pitied him his ordeal dick little's mallet fell with a thump and the attention of the guests became diverted from graves to the chairman amidst cries of chair order shame and chuck him out

gentlemen a mere euphemism i confess began dick little men of st joseph's never propose the toast of the king that is a toast that we all drink silently and without reminder the toast of the evening is naturally that of the health and happiness of the guest of the evening mr josiah williams of moonaguna a man need i say more there were loud cheers in which bindle joined in proposing the toast of the evening dick little dwelt upon the distinction conferred upon oxford in general and st joseph's in particular by reginald graves in selecting it from out of the myriad other universities and colleges he touched lightly upon the love graves had inspired in the hearts of his contemporaries but never greater than when he had generously decided to share with them his uncle this uncle he continued has raised mutton and a nephew and it is difficult to decide which of the two the men of st joseph's love the more josiah's mutton or josiah's nephew

gentlemen fellow wanderers along the paths of knowledge i give you the toast mr josiah williams of monagoona and with that toast i crave your permission to associate all his bleeding sheep the whole assembly sprang to its feet cheering wildly among the others bindle who drank his own health with gusto and enthusiasm the shouts that greeted bindle when he rose to respond to the toast created a record even for bungems bindle gazed round him imperturbably as if the making of a speech were to him an every-day matter in his right hand he held the cigar and three fingers of his left hand rested lightly upon the edge of the table when the din had subsided he began gentlemen i never knew ow fortunate i was until now i been raisin sheep and ell in monagoona for years forgettin all about this ere little cherub bindle indicated graves with a wave of his hand and all the jolly times i might have had through him monaguna ain't exactly a paradise it's too aught for that still if any of yer ever manages to find yer way there you'll be lucky and you'll be luckier still if yer finds yours truly there at the same time

no i done raisin ellen mutton bein too old for one an too tired for the other when i decided to ave a nephew i prayed ard for a good un an they sent me this little chap bindle patted reggie's head affectionately amidst resounding cheers e ain't much to look at continued bindle with a grin e ain't the beauty is uncle was at is age still e seems to have a rare lot of pals more eyes were watching graves than bindle his face was very white and set and he strove to smile but it was a sickly effort his immediate neighbours noticed that his glass which those around him were careful to keep filled was raised frequently to his lips from time to time he looked round him like a hunted animal who seeks but fails to find some avenue of escape he was always a good boy to his mother my sister polly and now he's a gentleman him what once took round oil and sausages for his father when he kep a general shop every one proceeded bindle referring to a scrap of paper he held as eard o tom graves grocer of sixty eye street bingley e don't mix sand with is sugar and sell it at threepence a pound not im e mixes it with the tea at one and eight a pound

there ain't no flies on old tom is mother when she was in service for she married tom at a face almost as pretty as reggie's bindle placed his hand beneath graves's chin and elevated his flushed face and gazed down into his nephew's watery eyes graves half rose from his seat an ugly look on his face but some one dragged him down again he looked round the room with unseeing eyes making vain endeavours to moisten his lips once or twice he seemed determined to get up and go but guggers brawny arm was always there to restrain him there was nothing for it but to sit and listen now gentlemen continued bindle i mustn't keep yer there were loud cries of go on the night is young and similar encouragements although continued bindle i could tell yer things yer might like to know about orses beer women and other things what irt loud cries of no we'll wait till yer married then you'll see as i was sayin this is an appy evenin Lord, I seen things in Monaguna, continued Bindle reminiscently, that'd make your air stand on end.

There's the Monaguna linnet, big as a eagle, and you have to plug your ears when it sings. Then there's the Monaguna beetle, what'll swallow a lamb ole, and then sit up and beg for the mint sauce. We got eels that big that yer wouldn't believe it. We once caught a eel at Monaguna, and it pulled and pulled so that for long we'd got the old bloomin' population on the end of the rope. We all'd in miles of it, and presently we see comin' along the river a crowd of people.

They was the inhabitants of Gumbacooey, the next town. They'd caught the other end of the eel what ad two eds, and we was all one of them as well as Mr. Eel. Monagoon is the place to see things. I've been very happy this evening, proceeded Bindle. So's Reggie. No one would know you was gents, you behaved so nicely. Bindle grinned broadly as he raised his glass. Well, here's to us, mates, he cried. With a roar, the company once more sprang to its feet, and assisted by

bells, rattles, whistles, a tray, a phonograph which played You Made Me Love You, combs and mouth-organs, sang in various keys, for he's a jolly good fellow. Bindle was at that moment the most popular man in Oxford. He was one of the greatest successes that Bunjums had ever known. He was hoisted on brawny shoulders and born in triumph round the room. In his hand he held a finger-bowl full of champagne, the contents of which slopped over the heads and persons of his

bearers at every step. If only Orty could see me now, he murmured happily, these chaps had make a man of orty, for he knew it. Leggo my leg, he yelled suddenly as one enthusiast seized his right leg and strove to divert the procession from its course. You funny uggins, you, think I'm made of rubber? Leggo! Too excited for mere words to penetrate his brain, the youth continued to pull, and Bindle poured the rest of the champagne over his upturned face. With a yelp, the youth released

Bindle's leg. In the excitement that followed Bindle's speech, Graves saw his opportunity. Gugger's eye was momentarily off him, and he slipped towards the door unnoticed. He had almost reached safety when Bindle, who was the first to observe the maneuver, uttered a yell. Stop him! Stop him! Here, let me down! he shouted, and by pounding on the head of one of his bearers

with a finger-bowl and a kick that found the stomach of another, he disengaged himself. Bindle's cry had attracted general attention to Graves, but too late to stop him. With a bound, he reached the door and tore down the stairs. After him, you chaps! cried Guggers, and with yells and cries ranging from Tally-ho! to the Bushman's war cry, the whole company streamed out of Bunjums and tore down the high in hot

pursuit. That night those who were late out beheld the strange sight of a white-faced man in evening dress running apparently for his life, pursued by a pack of some two hundred other men similarly garbed and uttering the most horrible shouts and threats. Windows were thrown up and heads thrust out, and all wondered what could be the meaning of what the oldest and consequently longest suffering townsman subsequently described

as defying even his recollection. Late that night the porter at St. Joseph's was aroused by a furious ringing of the bell, accompanied by a tremendous pounding at the door. On the doorstep he found, to his astonishment, the disheveled figure of grave, sobbing for breath and sanctuary, and with terror in his eyes. In the distance he heard a terrible outcry,

which next morning he was told was the Australian bushman's war cry. 4. Bindle was awakened next morning by a continuous hammering at his bedroom door. "'Who the op'n robin' are yer?' he shouted. "'Shut up and go ome!' The door burst open, and Tom Little Guggers and Travers entered. up you g g g get cried guggers you must catch the eleven six look here old spit and speak if you're

wanting to get hurt you're on the right road bindle grinned up at guggers impudently i'm as tired as your mother must be of you up you get you mary white cried tom little laughing there's the devil to pay there always is except in sometimes it's a woman remarked bindle yawning devils are cheaper on the ole what's the trouble the master has invited you to lunch broke in travers and that ass gravy never told us you must be recalled to town said tom little or we shall all be sent down now up you get bindle climbed out of bed resplendent in pajamas with alternate broad stripes of pale blue and white who's the master i'll munch with anybody what's not temperance bindle was sleepy that's the master of st joseph's and you've got to clear out we've sent him a letter in your name regretting that you have to return to town at once

oh you ave ave yer remarked bindle dryly i ope you told im that i got ter call at buckingham phallus bindle dressed shaved and kept his visitors amused by turn he caught the eleven six accompanied by dick whittle the two men spent their time in reading the long accounts in the oxford papers of the previous evening's banquet they were both full and flattering bindle chuckled to find that his speech had been reported verbatim and wondered how reggie was enjoying the biographical particulars dick little and bindle were unaware that in his rooms at st joseph's reginald graves also was reading these self-same accounts with an anguish too great for expression the accounts of his early life in particular caused him something akin to horror it didn't last long murmured bindle regretfully but it was top ole your words sir wal it did i wonder oo's ole'n reggie's ed this mornin and he chuckled gleefully End of chapter 13. Read by Don W. Jenkins. Rancho San Diego, California. Shaggybart.blogspot.com.