menu_book Chapter 18

chapter eighteen of bindle by herbert jenkins this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by don w jenkins chapter eighteen bindle assists in an elopement i when bindle announced to mrs bindle that he intended to enlist in kitchener's army she opened upon him the flood-gates of her wrath you never was a proper husband she snapped viciously you've neglected me ever since we was married now you want to go away and get killed what shall i do then what would become of me well said bindle slowly yer would become what they calls a widder then yer could marry into the chapel and you and im ud go to evan end in and mrs bindle snorted and started to rake at the kitchen fire whenever mrs bindle reached the apex of her wrath an attack upon the kitchen fire was inevitable suddenly she would conceive the idea that it was not burning as it should burn and she would rake and dab and poke until at last forced to relight it bindle watched her with interest the next worst thing to being mrs bindle's osband he muttered is to be a bloomin kitchen fire with er at the other end of a poker then aloud he said you'd get an allowance while i'm away and a pension until i dies a killin to many germans

mrs bindle paused how much she asked practically oh about a pound a week said bindle recklessly mrs bindle put down the poker and proceeded to wash up she seemed for ever washing up or sweeping presently she inquired when are you going well said bindle i thought of trottin round to the war office this afternoon and breakin the news it'll sort of buck em up to know that i'm comin mrs bindle raised no further objections it was saturday afternoon and bindle's time was his own he joined the queue outside the recruiting station in the fulham road and patiently waited his turn incidentally helping to pass the time of those around him by his pungent remarks lord he remarked we're a funny sort o crowd to beat the germans look at us we ain't got a chest among the ole bloomin lot at length bindle stood before the recruiting officer cap in hand and a happy look on his face name inquired the officer joseph bindle age what's the age limit inquired bindle cautiously thirty-eight

then put me down as thirty-seven and a arf he replied the officer looked up quickly there was just the suspicion of a smile in his eyes this was the type of man he liked after a few more questions he was turned over to the doctor who ordered him to strip after a very rapid examination the doctor remarked you won't do varicose veins beg pardon sir said bindle varicose veins said the doctor an oo's e when e's at ome inquired bindle you have got varicose veins in the legs an therefore you cannot enlist the doctor was tired and impatient but ain't you got veins in your legs inquired bindle why can't i be a soldier cause i got various veins in me legs you couldn't stand the marching was the reply oh couldn't i that's all you know about it you should see me hopping in and out of ouses carrying pianners and sofas i want to enlist bindle was dogged

the doctor relented somewhat it's no good my man we cannot take you i'm sorry but said bindle couldn't yer put me in something wot sits on an orse or angs on behind i want to go it's no good i cannot pass you couldn't yer make me even a oylender me legs ain't too thin for that are they it's no good are they catchin inquired bindle with some eagerness in his voice or what catchin various veins no just my luck grumbled bindle a getting something what i can't and on the doctor laughed finding that nothing could break down the doctor's relentless refusal bindle reluctantly departed during the week following he made application at several other recruiting offices but always with the same result nothin doin he mumbled nothin left for me but to become a bloomin slop i must do somethink and he entered the local police station what is it inquired the officer in charge

come to give meself up said bindle with a grin goin to be a special constable and run in all me dear old pals he found the interrogators here far less severe certain particulars were asked of him finally he was told that he would hear in due course whether or no his services were accepted after an interval of about a week bindle was sworn in a few days later he called once more at the police station for his equipment the truncheon armlet and whistle were handed to him he eyed the articles dubiously then looking up at the officer inquired dis all i got to wear it don't same he was told that he would wear his ordinary clothes and would be expected to report himself for duty at a certain hour on the following monday on his way home he called in on his brother-in-law and to the delight of smith and the errand-boy solemnly informed mr hearty of the step he had taken now look ere earty he remarked you got to be pretty bloomin careful what you're up to er you'll get run in yer'd look sort o tasty with me a shovin of yer from be'ind in me new uniform a bit in each and and the rest round me arm so long and don't yer forget it no late nights no carryin's on with the choir and bindle winked knowingly at smith and the boy bindle's popularity among his brother's special constables was instantaneous and complete

they were for the most part sent out in pairs hunting in couples bindle called it the man who got bindle as a companion considered himself lucky if bindle saw a pair of lovers saying good-night he would go up to them gravely and demand what they were doing and warn them as to their proper course of conduct there ain't goin to be no kissin on my beat he would remark only what i does myself why ain't you in the army young feller he never lost an opportunity of indulging his sense of the ludicrous and he soon became known to many of those whose property it was his duty to protect from servant girls he came in for many dainties and it was not long before he learnt that the solitary special gets more attention from the other sex than one who hunts in couples as a consequence bindle became an adept at losing his fellow constable oh i can lose a special quicker than most chaps can lose a flea he remarked once to mrs bindle one night about half-past nine when on duty on putney hill bindle saw a man slip down one of the turnings on the left-hand side as if desirous of avoiding observation a moment after he heard a soft whistle grasping his truncheon in his right hand bindle slid into the shadow of the high wall surrounding a large house a few minutes later he heard another whistle

ullo he muttered shouldn't be surprised if there wasn't something on now joe b for the v c or a pauper's grave creeping stealthily along under the window of a wall he came close up to the man without being observed just as he gave vent to the third whistle bindle caught him by the arm now then young feller what's all this about i eard you oly angels bindle exclaimed in astonishment where did you spring from sir it was dick little i was just a-goin to run you in for a burglar well you wouldn't have been far wrong replied little i'm bent on theft right-o said bindle i'm with yer special or no special what are yer stealing if it ain't a rude question a girl little replied bindle whistled significantly in the course of the next five minutes dick little explained that he was in love with a girl whose people disapproved of him and she was being kept almost a prisoner in the house in question at night he was sometimes able to get a few words with her after dinner she mounting a ladder and talking to him from the top of the garden wall one of these nights little concluded we're going to make a bolt for it by jove he suddenly broke off you're the very man you'll help of course elp said bindle oh course i'll elp if you're going to be made unappy that's your affair if yer wants me to elp to make yer unhappy that's my affair

at this moment there was a faint whistle from farther down the road i must be off said little come round and see me on sunday and i'll tell you all about it the next sunday night bindle heard the whole story dick little was desperately in love with ethel knob kerrick the daughter of lady knob kerrick whose discomfiture at the barton bridge temperance fate had been due to his tampering with the lemonade lady knob kerrick had come to know of clandestine meetings and henceforth her daughter had been practically a prisoner never being allowed out of her mother's sight or that of miss strent who although in sympathy with the lovers was too much afraid of lady knob kerrick to render them any assistance so i'm going to bolt with her said dick blittle and very nice too remarked bindle as he gazed admiringly at the photograph of an extremely pretty brunette with expressive eyes and a tilted chin funny things women continued bindle yer think yer got a bloomin peach when squash and there is only the stone and a little juice left in yer and funny things women she'll probably nag yer into an asylum or the blue boar or shut up bindle there was a hard note in dick little's voice

all right sir all right said bindle patiently i'd have said the same myself when i was a-courtin me little red-headed blossom funny things women if it ain't rude sir bindle continued after a pause ave yer got an ome ready cause when yer get a bird yer's sort o got to get a cage and if that cage ain't gold with bits o gold sort o lyin about well there'll be some feathers flyin and they won't be errs a woman what ain't got money makes a man molt pretty quick you'll excuse me sir but i'm an old warrior at this ere game i've bought a practice in chelsea and besides i've got between three and four hundred a year replied little said bindle may keep her in scent and shoe-strings i suppose you're set on doing it absolutely well i'll elp yer but it's a pity it's always a pity when a nice chap like you gets balmy on a bit o skirt right-o said little i knew you would a week later bindle wearing what he called his uniform met dick little by appointment outside lady knob kerrick's house on putney hill miss kerrick had arranged to be ready at nine-thirty

dick little had borrowed through his brother guggers rolls-royce which according to the owner would gu gu gu go anywhere and do anything guggers volunteered to drive himself at nine-thirty the car slid silently down the road at the sight of lady knob kerrick's house it was a dark night and the lights were hooded under the shade of a huge elm and drawn close up against the house no one could distinguish the car from the surrounding shadow a short ladder was placed on the tonneau and reared up against the wall bindle and little both mounted the wall and waited what seemed to little hours it was nearly ten o'clock before a slight sound on the gravel announced the approach of someone a subdued whistle from dick little produced a tremulous answer not a word was spoken presently a scraping against the wall announced the placing of the ladder from inside the garden and a moment later a voice whispered is that you dick yes eddie was the reply quick i've got a friend here it's all right miss whispered bindle i'll catch old of one arm and mr little will do ditto with the other and fore you can wink you'll be over you ain't the screaming sort are you he inquired anxiously

a little laugh answered him now then look slippy in case the old gal sorry miss your mother smells a rat it was a hot soundless night the atmosphere hung round them like a heavy garment saturated with moisture every sound seemed to be magnified as he finished speaking bindle's quick ear detected a footstep inside the garden bending down he whispered to guggers start the car sir there's some one coming come along miss he added three hearts gave a great leap at the sound of a harsh uncompromising voice from almost beneath them ethel where are you you will catch your death of cold walking about the garden at this time of night come in at once it was lady knob there was no mistaking her disapproving voice bindle grinned as he recollected the inglorious figure she had cut at the temperance fate biffle where are you the voice cut sharply through the still air steady sir whispered bindle to dick little who had lifted miss kerrick off the wall "'I'll keep the old gal jawin'. Tell old Spit and Speak to get off quietly.

"'Strint!' Lady Knob Carrick's voice again rang out. "'Strint, where are you?' Bindle heard the sound of feet hastening down the path. He was standing on the wall, grasping with one hand the top of the ladder used by Miss Carrick, which reached some three feet above the top of the wall. He had taken the precaution of putting his uniform in his pocket.

"'In case I gets nabbed,' as he explained to Dick Little. Bindle heard a suppressed gugg-gug from Guggers on whose head Miss Carrick had alighted. He wondered why Guggers had not started the engine. Somewhere below him he heard Lady Knob Carrick moving about. Would she find the ladder?

If she did, how was he to cover the retreat of the car? He was conscious of enjoying to the full the excitement of the situation. Where is Miss Knob Carrick? Lady Knob Carrick always insisted on the knob. Her voice came from out the darkness immediate below where Bindle was standing.

i'm afraid began another voice that of miss strint when suddenly several things seemed to happen at once there was a triumphant oh from lady knob kerrick as she found the ladder and wrenched it from the wall a yell from bindle as he lost his balance and an agonised shriek from miss strint as she was swept from her feet by what she thought was a bomb but what in reality was the latter which fell pinning her to the earth help help murder shrieked lady knob kerrick until bindle reached the ground marvelling at the softness of the substance on which he had fallen when her cries ceased suddenly and only the moans of miss strynt were to be heard by servants who rushed from the house to the rescue on the other side of the wall the two occupants of the car held their breath but guggers saw in a sudden pandemonium that for which he had been waiting and the rolls-royce leapt forward stop guggers whispered dick little leaning forward we can't leave him like this go to blazes this is my car was the response and they tore up putney hill on the way to walton where miss kerrick was to spend the night with gugger's sister two five minutes later bindle stood in lady knob kerrick's drawing-room with thomas the footman holding one arm and wilton the butler the other on wilton's face was an expression of disgust at having temporarily to usurp the duties of the police

lady knob kerrick had made inquiries of the servants and was now convinced that her daughter had either eloped or been abducted her hair was disarranged there was dirt upon her face and leaves and mould upon her gown but of these she was unconscious and she regarded bindle with an expression of grim triumph at least she had captured one of the ruffians probably the worst bindle himself was quite self-possessed all he desired was to gain time so that the fugitives might get well beyond the possibility of capture now look ere calves he remarked obliquely examining the footman's gorgeous raiment if you pinch i kick see apprehensive of an attack upon his white silk legs thomas moved away as far as he could holding bindle at arm's length i have had the police telephoned for said lady knob kerrick grimly now where is miss knob kerrick you may search me ma'am replied bindle imperturbably you were with the villains who abducted her snapped lady knob who what mum abducted her i never done that to any woman i kissed a few but i never gone further mrs bindle my name's bindle joseph bindle it's sort of particular then you refuse to confess lady knob kerrick glared at bindle through her lorgnettes

i ain't got nothin to confess mum leastways nothin i'd like to say for a lady look here dicky bird if you pinch my arm i'll break your bloomin shins this last remark was addressed to wilton whom bindle examined with insulting deliberation must cost a bit to keep yer in clean dickies ole son he remarked wilton writhed bindle suddenly caught sight of miss strent slipping into the room looking very ill and obviously in a state bordering on hysteria hello miss you do look bad i hope you ain't hurt there was solicitude in bindle's voice i am very upset and straight admonished lady knob carrick please be silent how dare you converse with this man now look here mom i ain't said much so far but you're going to get into a bit of a mess if you ain't careful if you'll just call off dicky bird and calves i'll show yer what and who i am i'm a special constable i am and you done a fine thing tonight p'raps yer know the law p'raps yer don't but this is a case for evvy damages now dicky bird'll a go with a dexterous movement bindle wrenched his arm free from wilton's clutch and drew his truncheon which he flourished under the nose of his astonished captors thomas fearing an attack released the arm he held and retreated precipitately to the door thomas wilton shrieked lady knob kerrick hold him don't let him escape

i'll keep the door m'lady said thomas his hand on the handle his attitude that of a man solicitous as to his own safety rather than desirous of preventing another's escape with great deliberation bindle produced his armlet and whistle this ere mom holding the articles of equipment for lady knob kerrick's inspection is me summer uniform but as the nights is a little bit chilly i added a pair of trousers and a few other things miss strent tittered and then appalled at her own temerity coughed violently lady knob kerrick turned upon her accustomed victim strent she cried glaring through her lorgnettes have you no sense of decency she's got an awful cough mum you'd better leave her alone and bindle grinned in a manner that lady knob kerrick decided was intolerable i want you to explain mum what you mean by lettin calves and dicky bird keep a special constable from the execution of his duty lady knob kerrick looked uncertainly from bindle to wilton then to miss strint and then back again to bindle you were with the ruffians who have taken my daughter she said

well mum that's where you're sort of wrong i've collected white mice and rabbits and once i had a special sort of jumping fleas but i never collected daughters besides there's mrs bindle she's a bit funny when it comes to another woman what she'll say when she gets to know that you've had me eld ere a given of me the glad i threw them two olds in a stick i tell yer mum i just daren't think how dare you you vulgar fellow lady knob kerrick had seen the ghost of a smile flit across thomas's face hold your tongue i can't mum live too long with mrs b i'm sort o surprised at you olden the ear like this it's like kissing a girl against her will at this juncture there was a loud ringing at the outer bell go said lady knob kerrick addressing thomas now then op it calves added bindle as he resumed his armlet a minute later an inspector of police entered he bowed to lady knobkerrick and looked towards bindle who saluted with a suddenness so dramatic as to cause both wilton and thomas involuntarily to start back this man has been lady knobkerrick paused at a loss to formulate the charge

says i've run off with her daughter me only moses if mrs bindle only knew and bindle smiled so broadly and so joyously that even the official face of the inspector relaxed what is the complaint my lady the inspector inquired producing his note-book some one has abducted my daughter and-and we-i got this man lady knob kerrick was hesitant and clearly not very sure of her ground she explained how she had gone into the garden in search of miss knob kerrick had come across the ladder and how in moving it bindle had come crashing down upon her and had been captured the inspector turned to bindle whom he knew as a special constable this ere's goin to be a serious business for er bindle indicated lady knob kerrick with his thumb i eard a whistle an then i see a man on the wall an another in a motor-car what o says i burglars or german spies if i blows me whistle orf they goes i climbs up a tree and drops on to the wall crawls along then i ears a young woman's voice i just got to the top of the ladder frightened as a goat i was when somebody gives it a tug over i tumbles on what i thought was a air-cushion but it was her bindle bowed elaborately to lady knob kerrick who flushed scarlet she nabs me when i was going to nab the lot of them i might a got the v c silly things women bindle spat the words out with supreme disgust the inspector turned to lady knob kerrick

do you us to charge this special constable yes that's it put in bindle jest let her charge me she's got to do it now since she's elled me ere and i'm out for damages there's also going to be some damage done to dicky bird and calves before i've finished and bindle looked fiercely from one to the other lady knob kerrick motioned the inspector to the other end of the room where she held a whispered conversation with him presently they returned to bindle the inspector said with official coldness this seems to have been a mistake and her ladyship offers you a sovereign in compensation oh she does does she remarked bindle well just tell her bloomin lady silly ship with joseph bindle's compliments that there's nothin doin a quid might a been enough for a ordinary but i'm a special sort of slop and like a special train i has to be paid for she can stump up a fiver or-the inspector looked nonplussed he was not quite sure what authority he had over a special constable a further whispered conversation followed and eventually lady knob kerrick left the room and a few moments later returned with five one-pound notes which she handed to the inspector without a word and he in turn passed them to bindle

well bindle remarked i must be off hope you'll find your daughter mum and as for you dicky bird and calves we'll probably meet again so long and he departed End of chapter 18 Read by Don W. Jenkins Rancho San Diego, California Shaggybark.blogspot.com