Chapter 13
Chapter 13 of But Gentlemen Marry Burnets by Anita Luce. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by Jen Broda. Chapter 13. Well, Dorothy's husband finally became a drifter, and he and Claude drifted back to
New York and began to follow the line of least restraints. And Dorothy says the least restraints they were able to find was in a nest of interior decorators on West 45th Street. Well, Lester spent all of his spare time trying to get an interview with Mr. Abels to find out why the Breen family had withdrawn their support when he could tell so much that would
be illegal evidence against them. Well, Mr. Abels was much too prominent to waste his time with anyone like Lester, but Lester and his boyfriends were talking so much against the Breen family in public places that he finally made an appointment to let Lester come to his office and hear him out. Well, Claude begged and begged to be allowed to accompany Lester, because after all, Mr.
Abels was very, very full of power and Claude was an inveterate lion hunter at heart. So Lester gave in at last and let Claude go along. And when they went into Mr. Abels' polished suite of mahogany offices, Claude's manners were full of reverence, for Claude believed that using the gentle tactics would get them farther in the long run.
So as soon as they were shown to a seat, Claude spoke up and said, Mr. Abels, we're thrilled to be here. Lester and I often sit at home in the long evenings and read one of your famous speeches, just to improve our minds. So then Lester spoke up in quite a harsh tone and said, you poor sap, when did we ever sit
at home and read anything? Well, Claude was visibly upset and said, now don't be low, what kind of swine is Mr. Abels going to think we are? Well, then they started to give and take and it really developed into quite a little quarrel. But Mr. Abels soon got enough of that kind of conversation, so he spoke up and told Lester
to get down to brass tacks. But Claude spoke up again and said, justice to all is what we are after. So then Lester said, will you shut up? Or it turned out that what Lester was after was $10,000 or he would tell everything to the lower type of pictorial news sheets.
Well, Mr. Abels asked for time to consult his clients, and when he consulted the Breen family, they really went into a panic, for they had been representative Americans from the days of the revolution, and nothing they had ever done had ever leaked out before. But Mr. Abels told them that he could keep the old Breen family name from being smirched if they would just give him a blank card to do what he wished, no matter how much it might
cost them. I mean, provided they did not mind what happened to Dorothy's husband. Well, they were really at the end of their wits, so they finally told him to go ahead. And then Mr. Abels sent out for the aid of a silent business partner of his called Jerry, who was the leader of the whole Brooklyn Dimmymond.
I mean, this Jerry had a gang of gangsters that pretended to be bootleggers to get by the law, but they really specialized in work of a more violent nature, such as murder, for instance. And about two nights later, Jerry picked up an acquaintance with Lester and Claude in a public place, and took them to attend a party on the top floor of quite a high apartment
house in Brooklyn. Well, Jerry's gang was full of ex-icemen of the strong male type, who had been driven from their livelihood by frigid air, and those ex-icemen could not seem to bear Claude, and they thought that Lester was so much better by comparison that they said they thought he ought to be the one allowed to live, if there was any preference.
But Jerry said to them, what the hell? Who's giving this party? Well, they had to admit that it was Jerry. So Jerry said, then we'll stick to our etiquette and bump off the right guy. And before the evening was over, Lester got quite a lot more obnoxious, so they were all
more content with the arrangements. And about five o'clock in the morning, when everybody was in the heights of good spirits, Jerry went into a little alcove to look out the window, and then he called to Lester and said, come on in here, pal, and look at the swell sunrise. Well, Lester went into the alcove to look, but his foot must have slipped because he
fell out the window. And the verdict was suicide. Well, the funeral of Dorothy's husband was quite a novelty in the way of a funeral, for Claude borrowed a beautiful apartment of their modern art interior decorator friend to hold it in.
And it seems that Claude had his own philosophy, which was really more new thought than anything, and it was really very, very beautiful. Well, the funeral was a stag affair, and Claude gathered together quite a few acquaintances and a bevy of chorus boys for the vocal members. And Claude had searched high and low for a very, very beautiful vase of the Grecian period
to put the ashes in, with Greek silhouettes of dancers doing an antique dance in the nude all around it. And it seems that they were going to put the ashes in it with a beautiful ceremony Claude had thought up that would be full of rhythms. But first of all, Claude held a beautiful talk and said that, in his philosophy, it
was nothing but a beautiful journey. And Claude said he knew that Lester would want them to look at it in that way, and they must hold everything just as he would wish it. So they did not break down, but they all bore up, and then Claude brought out a bottle of very, very rare old wine and said that they were all to drink in the spirit of sacrifice.
Well, they all drank it, and then they were all to sing, not the kind of hymns that are un-cheerful, but it's a long, long lane, which was one of his favorites. Well, they all sang in harmony, and then they were all to drink one more glass of sacrificial wine. But there was not enough sacrificial wine to go around, and they put it in a bowl and
added some gin they had, and they all had another drink in the spirit of sacrifice. Well, then Claude started to give them another talk about his philosophy, but while he was giving it, an art dancer called Osmer came in with a bottle of absinthe, so they decided to put that in the bowl and try it. And after they tried it, Claude wanted to go on with his talk.
But by this time, some of the other guests seemed to get the feeling that Claude was his philosophy, as if he was the only guest at the whole funeral who had any. And it made them quite annoyed, so they all started in to tell their philosophy. But it turned out to be quite confusing, because some of them were new thought and some of them were occultism, while others were Ohm, the Omnipotent, and they did not seem to be
getting any wares. Well, Claude finally disappeared for a moment, and when he came back, he was dressed in the robes of a beautiful old antique Grecian dancer with bare feet and a band around his head, to proceed with the ceremony of putting the ashes in the beautiful vase that was worthy of such a contents.
So he tried to call everybody to order, but by that time they had all gotten interested things, and finally Claude became quite ironical and said, If you boys don't object, we'll go on with the obsequies. Well, it seems that they were all still annoyed with Claude for trying to flaunt himself, and finally one of the guests, who had already shown signs of becoming obnoxious, took a
large drink for courage, and spoke up and said, You make me sick. Well, there was quite a lull at such a lack of reverence, but finally Claude found his tongue and spoke up and said, What do you mean, I make you sick? Well, then this guest took another large drink and started in to tell what he really thought about the deceased in no plain terms.
Well, everybody was dumbfounded except Osmer, because it seems that Osmer had been looking for just such an opening all evening, so he went over to the opposition and said, You are right, he was a low thing to be despised by all. Well, it was quite a few moments before Claude could believe his own ears, but when he finally found his tongue, he spoke up and said, I resent this.
So then quite a few resented it, and it really began to look like trouble. Well, then the instigator of the whole thing spoke up in quite a pointed way and asked, How about that time he hit you with a hairbrush? So then Claude spoke up and said, It was not a hairbrush, it was a mirror, and it broke, worse luck.
And now, spoke up the instigator, You have got to have seven years of misfortune. Well, Claude really had to admit that it was no gesture to make with a mirror at a person who was superstitious in the first place. And then Osmer broke in and said, Yes, how about the time you had to lock him out to keep from bodily harm?
And he stuffed straw under the door and lit it. Well, at that one of the others spoke up and added fuel and said, Yes, and the time he stood in Child's restaurant and called you vile names for all the world to hear. Well, Claude finally had to admit the contention, and one unpleasant reminiscence led to another, until they were all thoroughly fed up with the subject and they did not even want any
mementos around the apartment that would remind them of any such a person. So they started in to hunt for mementos, but while they were scurrying here and there and everywhere, Claude stubbed his bare toe on the can full of ashes. Well, that was really the last straw, for Claude's nerves had reached the snapping point, so he screamed, A wench's curse on such as he!
And he grabbed the can full of ashes and threw them down the sink and the funeral dispersed. End of chapter 13
