menu_book Chapter 9

Chapter 9 of But Gentlemen Marry Burnets by Anita Luce. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by Jen Broda. Chapter 9 Well, Dorothy opened in the follies, and Charlie Breen fell more madly in love than usual.

So one night he took her for a long ride around Central Park in a closed taxi, and asked her what she wanted to do about it. Well, it seems that Dorothy did not want to do anything except get out of the taxi, because Dorothy is the cool type of temperament, who quite frequently thinks that too is a crowd. But Dorothy hated to hurt Charlie's feelings, so she told him a fib.

I mean, she said that she was quite a violent Catholic, and she could not do anything that might make some Catholic priest raise his eyebrows in the confessional. Well, when Charlie found out that Dorothy was not only pure, but even religious, his love turned into reverence, and his intentions became matrimonial. So he went to his mother, and held quite a long conversation of the subject of matrimony,

and the wonderful girl that had come into his life. Well, it seems that Charlie Breen's mother had always been quite anxious for him to be married and settle down, and drink in his own home instead of in nightclubs, where everybody saw him disgrace the old family name. But Mrs. Breen's choice and Charlie's never seemed to light on the same girl, because

Mrs. Breen preferred a girl called Muriel Devenant, whose ancestors had moved in the same social set with theirs. And Muriel would make an ideal wife, because she did not care for the boys, and spent all of her time with girlfriends. But I always think that Muriel really did have a small feeling for the boys after all,

because the girlfriends she chose always seemed to resemble boys as closely as possible. Anyway, she was willing to strain a point, and marry Charlie Breen because of his money. But the main reason Mrs. Breen wanted to have Muriel for a daughter-in-law was because she always knew how to do the right thing at the right time in society. But Charlie explained to his mother that doing the right thing at the right time in society

was only enjoyable if you enjoyed it. But when you did not, it was only a hollow sham, so he preferred a girl like Dorothy. Well, Mrs. Breen finally became very sweet, and told Charlie that she only wanted him to marry the girl of his choice. So she told him to bring Dorothy home first, and give all the family the opportunity to

make her acquaintance. Because it seems that even if Mrs. Breen is very aristocratic, her ideas are quite broad-minded for being so wealthy. And she will always invite somebody to the house, as long as he does something. And when she gets him there, she always tries to make him feel as if he was almost as important

as society people, who do not have to do anything to be prominent. And whenever Charlie fell madly in love with some new girl in the Follies, Mrs. Breen always liked to have him bring her home. And when she got there, she would be very, very sweet and draw her out in conversation about literature and music and art, so that Charlie could see how well she would fit into

such a cultured environment. But every time that Mrs. Breen did it, something fatal always seemed to happen. Because after his mother got through with a Follies girl, Charlie would always decide to listen to his second thoughts about weaving a romance about a girl like that. Well, Mrs. Breen was so anxious to have Dorothy meet her that she told Charlie to bring Dorothy

home to a family dinner. And when the family got through with her, they would have all their society friends come in after dinner and meet Dorothy socially. And in order to brighten things up, she would have some chamber music by a string quartet. Because Mrs. Breen said that, so long as Dorothy was in a musical show, she would be sure to

love a string quartet. But of course, Mrs. Breen did not know that there is hardly anything about a string quartet that appeals to a girl like Dorothy. But Charlie is such a sweet boy that he thought his mother's idea was quite charming. Well, just going into the old Breen family mansion on Fifth Avenue ought to make a girl

feel as if she was getting some wares. Because you have to be shown through three separate doors, and the first two of them are iron. But when Charlie showed Dorothy through them, all Dorothy could think of was that the Breen family were giving themselves three separate chances to throw her out, and she began to

lose some of her self-possession. Well, after they got past the third door, the butlers started to lead them through quite a long, hollow hallway that had nothing to relieve it but some life-size, crockery baby elephants that only made Dorothy feel more unimpressive. But they finally reached the old family library, and under an electric lamp sat the father

of Charlie Breen. But Dorothy says that, after all the suspense, Charlie's father was not such a climax. I mean, he is the kind of a gentleman who has never done anything in his life, either one way or another, and the Breen family were always holding him up to Charlie as an example of what he could keep from doing if he would only concentrate his mind on it.

Well, Dorothy looked Mr. Breen over, and she began to feel quite a little better. And Mr. Breen told Dorothy that he was pleased to meet her because somebody had taken him to a Follies once five years ago, and he really could not remember when he had ever had such an enjoyable evening. So Dorothy spoke up and said, If you feel that way about it, why don't you take a

long chance and try going again? So Mr. Breen said that that was really quite a bright idea, and he wondered why he had never thought of it. And while he was wondering, Mrs. Breen came in. Well, Mrs. Breen was really more than sweet to Dorothy, for she made conversation just

as if Dorothy were an equal. And first she asked Dorothy her opinion of quite a few rare old first editions of antique classic books they had in their library. And when Mrs. Breen asks for an opinion, she is always polite enough to stop and wait for a reply.

But Dorothy did not have any, and the atmosphere became quite strained. I mean, Dorothy does not know enough about etiquette. To know that any time a girl feels like she has nothing to say, the best thing to do is to ask for a glass of water. And asking for a glass of water where it was quite inconvenient to find one would have

made Dorothy feel quite important. Well, after Mrs. Breen saw that Dorothy had become as uncomfortable as she could be in a library, she invited her into the art gallery to show her a new picture she had just bought by the famous Spanish artist called Zuluigo. And Mrs. Breen told Dorothy to look it over carefully and then tell her what she thought

of its Chiara Scuro. Well Dorothy had practically no thoughts on the subject, but she suddenly got quite a bright idea and asked Charlie what he thought of it. So Charlie spoke up and said, By Jove, I don't know what it is.

Well of course it made Mrs. Breen look quite small that any son of hers was so uncultured, so she really had to bite her lip. But she became sweeter than ever to Dorothy and told her that she had arranged quite a little surprise for her. And that surprise was that she had invited Jefferson Breen, the famous uncle of Charlie,

who is not only the head of the whole Breen family, but one of the most impressive Americans of the age, to come and look her over at dinner. Well, while they were waiting for Jefferson Breen to arrive and look Dorothy over, the famous debutante Muriel Devinant came in and did it. Well, Muriel seemed to be delighted with Dorothy from the start, for she greeted her in quite

a hearty tone and shook Dorothy's hand in quite a strong grasp, that Dorothy says reminded her of a homesick elk meeting one of his kind in some foreign clime. But the way that Dorothy acted was the depths of being uncultured, for she backed away from Muriel in defense and began to look toward an exit. So finally even Charlie noted her disturbance, and he got Dorothy off on one side and wanted

to know if anything was the matter. And Dorothy said, nothing that an earthquake couldn't clear up. But Charlie did not understand what she was getting at, and he began to look at Dorothy as sconce. Well, finally it seemed to be dinner time, and Mrs. Breen said they would not wait for

Mr. Jefferson Breen, because when a gentleman holds the affairs of the nation in his pocket, he is likely to be late at any moment. So Mrs. Breen led them through five or six large-sized salons with quite slippery floors and small Armenian rugs, and Dorothy says that the only difference between her and Eliza crossing the ice was that Mrs. Breen had forgotten to order blood hounds.

Well, Dorothy said they finally arrived at the old Oaken dining room, where the table was all laid out in her honor, to look like a funeral. And just as they were sitting down, the great Jefferson Breen himself came in. But when he made his entrance, Dorothy realized that she had already met him at the apartment of a girl in the Follies called Gloria.

Finally at the apartment of Gloria, he went under the nom de bloom of Mr. Jones. Well, when Jefferson Breen was introduced to Dorothy, he was really quite surprised. But he did not seem to want to mention their previous acquaintance before the family, so he said Grace instead. Well, during dinner, Jefferson Breen gave Dorothy quite a confidential talk about the

evils of modern life, and he finally brought up the subject of having met Dorothy at Gloria's apartment. So he explained to Dorothy that his interest in Gloria was to help a girl from doing wrong, because he said that he had a theory that if gentlemen would give girls expensive apartments and automobiles and jewelry as a reward to keep from doing wrong, instead of the vice

versa, the world would really be a better place. So he told Dorothy that that was what he was doing to Gloria. But Dorothy held her tongue, because she says the only reply she could think up to that old bird couldn't be spoken out loud in a refined home. Well, then Mrs. Breen started in to ask Dorothy questions about the habits of girls in the

Follies, because it seems that Mrs. Breen was so broad-minded that she did not care how much she learned about life. But Dorothy says that Mrs. Breen had the idea that Follies girls were about the same as red ants, and Dorothy did not know enough about red ants to answer her questions. Well, Dorothy tried to give Charlie a sign to think up a quick excuse to get out as soon

as dinner was over, but Charlie did not understand, because it seems that he thought they were giving Dorothy a pleasant evening. Well dinner was no sooner over than the string quartet arrived, and then society people began to pour in for the musical evening. And Mrs. Breen was so sweet to Dorothy that she picked out the most titled aristocrats

to introduce her to, even if Dorothy did not know what to call them. But instead of taking the opportunity of making friends, Dorothy only let everybody see her misery. And the kind of an expression that Dorothy wears on her face when she is on the verge of standing more than she can bear almost gives a person the impression that she is

cross-eyed. So the society people began to leave Dorothy severely alone, and Mrs. Breen kept Charlie busy putting small guilt chairs all over the salon so that he could not join Dorothy and keep her company. And every time he looked at Dorothy across the salon, she was sitting all alone, looking

quite unpopular, with a very unbecoming expression on her countenance. And I am really afraid that Charlie was beginning to wonder. Well, finally Mrs. Breen came over to Dorothy and told her that she ought to smile and enjoy herself and join in the conversation. But Dorothy does not know how to make an effort and smile in society like the rest of us have

to do. And finally the string quartet started in to play something that was called on the program a Bach fudge, and Dorothy started to feel even worse. But by this time Mrs. Breen's own troubles began. Because nothing that Mrs. Breen could do would make those music lovers keep quiet.

And just as soon as she got one set to hold their tongues in the hall, another would start talking about themselves in the salon. And Mrs. Breen would have to crowd her way through all the guilt chairs to tell them to hush. But by that time the music lovers in the hall would be at it again, and Mrs. Breen would

try to hush them at a distance. But it was really like water rolling off of a duck's back. So then she would have to make her way back through all the guilt chairs in order to hush them again in the hallway. And she had to work like a Trojan without really getting anywares.

And the looks of the string quartet kept getting blacker and blacker. And finally things even got worse. Because somebody discovered that the butler was laying out champagne in the library. And a regular exodus started to occur in that direction until there were only four people left in the salon and they were the string quartet.

So Mrs. Breen became almost frantic. And she rushed toward the library. But by the time she got there, it was jammed to the door with music lovers. Well, she finally worked her way through the crowd and told them that the champagne would not be opened until the music was over so they might just as well make up their minds

to listen to the string quartet. So she pushed them all out and locked the door. And they finally decided to go back to the salon and be quiet. But Mrs. Breen did not know that one of the guests was locked up in the library with the butler and all of that champagne.

And of course, the guest that was locked up was Dorothy. Well, it seems that the butler and Dorothy started right in to become friendly. For he was in quite a Bolshevistic state of mind himself, because by rights, it should have been his night out. And it seems that he was a German butler who loved music, so he had bought himself a ticket

to Lowengrin at the opera. But of course, he had to give it up. And he could not even hear the string quartet because they had had to shut the library door on account of the way the guests behaved. So he seemed to think that, in this world, it was only the wealthy who were allowed to

love music. So he and Dorothy took a drink to forget their troubles. Well, the champagne was of the very best, so they had some more. And the first thing Dorothy knew, she began to cheer up and feel better. And Dorothy says that by the time the string quartet got through their program, she had

reached a state where she could have been happy in a swamp. She emerged from the library and made her way back through the party, smiling to the right and left and greeting people heartily that she had not even had an introduction to. Well, when she reached the salon, it seemed that Dorothy decided to do a dance of some

new step she had learned in the follies. I mean, nobody had even asked her. But strange to say, instead of everybody being annoyed, they were all delighted. And they started to applaud. So then Dorothy decided to sing the comic version of a song that some of the girls had

composed in the privacy of their own dressing room that was not even meant to be sung in the follies, much less a salon. But instead of being shocked, those music lovers were even more delighted, and they started to crowd back into the salon in such large numbers that the string quartet that was trying its best to get out of the salon nearly had its cello smashed.

Well, Dorothy became the life of the party, and Charlie Breen stood by in pride and watched her with the love light in his eyes. And Mrs. Breen finally had to step in and take Dorothy by the arm and make her stop, because she told her guests that they must not allow the dear child to overtax herself. Well, then Dorothy started to say goodnight to her hostess, and quite a few of the guests

still crowded around to listen, because by this time Dorothy had gained quite a little reputation as a bon mot. So Mrs. Breen was really more than sweet to Dorothy, and she took her by the hand and seemed to want to hold quite a little conversation. But Dorothy could not understand what she was saying, because Mrs. Breen could not seem

to help from breaking out into French. Well, Dorothy had learned quite a few Mexican words when she was in the southern part of California, so Dorothy says she came right back at her in Mexican. But Dorothy really ought not to have talked Mexican to such a refined social leader as Mrs. Breen, because hardly any society leaders know Mexican, and Dorothy was so ignorant

that she did not know that it was the depths of low breeding to hold a conversation in Mexican when the one you're holding it with does not understand the Mexican language. Well, Dorothy says she finally told Mrs. Breen in Mexican to help herself to the chili, and then she took Charlie by the hand and bowed herself out. And the last she saw of Mrs. Breen, she was standing in the midst of guests who admired

Dorothy, gritting her teeth and telling Charlie that he must bring his little friend again sometime. Well, when they got out, Charlie was in the seventh heaven, because it was the first time that his mother had ever approved of any follies girl enough to ask her to come again. And everybody else was so full of enthusiasm about Dorothy that Charlie was very, very

proud, so he asked her to become his bride. Well, Dorothy, as usual, was skeptical, because she had gotten an idea that Mrs. Breen's enthusiasm was forced and might break down before the altar. So she asked Charlie for time to think the proposition over. But Dorothy says that she was really intrigued by the idea of being able to return Mrs. Breen's

hospitality by inviting her to their wedding breakfast. So I mean, sometimes even a girl like Dorothy gets an impulse that is sweet. End of chapter 9