Chapter 14
Section 14 of Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang, Volume 2, Number 19, April 1921. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Read by Devin Eubanks. Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang, Volume 2, Number 19, April 1921, by W. H. Fawcett. Questions and Answers
Dear Bill, how does moonshine affect you? June Meadows, it usually puts me in a daze for days and days. Dear Skipper Bill, how can I remove stains from linen so they will not return? Aggie Vatey, use a pair of scissors. Dear Whizbang Bill, a friend of mine wants to know if you are a captain in the Army or the Navy.
as he was a seaman in the Navy. He is wondering what part of the ship you were captain of, if you were in the Navy. Navy Bean, I would probably have been captain of the head in the Navy. Dear Captain Billy,
I saw this in your mailbag section of the Whiz Bang. Dot, A is right. Get out and walk. Could you give me Dot's address, Bill, so that through her I can get in touch with B?
Dolly Varden, You will find dot at the end of this sentence, old dear. Dear Skipper Bill, You've been in the army, so perhaps you could give me a good idea of a brave man. May Wheat, a goop who can drink Prohibition whiskey and wash it down with near beer.
Dear Captain Billy, We are a couple of hall room boys and would like to know how we can stop the odor of our cooking from being detected by the landlady. Percy and Hal, apply a coat of rubber to the top of your stove. This is sure to destroy cooking odors.
Dear Captain Bill, what's your idea of an absent-minded man? Curious Quisky, one who forgets his watch and then takes it out of his pocket to see if he has time to go back for it. Dear Billy, what do you think is meant by the shades of night were fallen fast? Alice Blue When People Are Pulling Down Their Curtains
Dear Captain Billy I am appearing soon in a home talent show and would like to know how I can get a Salome costume. Can you help me? Doris Donut
Tie Two Brass Finger Bowls Together with a Shoestring Dear Bill I went out riding with a young man the other night and drank some champagne. Did I do wrong? Mother's daughter. Don't you remember? Dear Skipper, what's your idea of a
non-essential industry? Mayhogany. A corkscrew factory. Dear Snappy Skipper, how many miles do you get from a gallon of hooch? You kiss her. It depends on the thinness of the mixture before it goes through my carburetor. Dear Captain Billy, I'm in love with the Spanish beauty, but she's jealous of me. How can I cure her? Will be shot. No, Will, I can't tell you how to cure. Better stay away from her, or you might wake up some morning with a stick in your gizzard.
Dear Captainovich, what's a good name for a Yiddish baby born in an Irish neighborhood? To the bunk. Isaac Murphy would be safest. Dear Captain Bill, what is good to take grass stains out of a white dress? Hell and Earth. Damfino, wear a green dress hereafter. Dear Whizbang Bill, why do people insist on telling liquor jokes? Gustead, probably because they're the only kind that have spirit in them. Dear Farmer Billy, would you please give me a suggestion for an evening
dress? I'm about to make my debut in society. Arabella, wind two yards of ribbon around the waist and tie in a huge bow. Dear Captain Bill, you say in your March issue that Eve was entered in the human race. I wish she'd never been entered in any race. Then I wouldn't have to put up with hen peccary now. What in the deuce would she put on earth for anyway? Tis tough. Eve was made, my friend, for Adam's Express Company. Dear Skipper, please give me a definition of joy. Mini mom, joy
is the peculiar feeling experienced by a man after a drunk when he counts his money and discovers that he has all the cash he thought he had and a few dollars more. Dear Captain Bill,
why is a landlord like a poker player? Tom Nolan. Because he always raises when he gets a full house. End of Section 14.
