Chapter 14
Section 14 of Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang, Volume 2, Number 23, August 1921. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Read by Oogie's Ragdoll. Captain Billy's Whizbang, Volume 2, Number 23, August 1921, by W. H. Fawcett. Classified ads, quips, and poems.
Classified ads. How come? From Cedar Rapids Gazette. Found. Ladies' lingerie and stockings with auto cushion in pasture on Oak Boulevard,
two miles from Vernon Road near the Morgan Farm called Buenos Aires. Nina Steiner, Tuscan, Arizona star. Competent steinographer without local references, expecting polka dot reputation, wants job. Masons and Christians need not answer.
Phone, 1009-M. No restrictions. For Rent, Eight Room House, Family Six or Seven, Wild Children. Mrs. Minnie Zinfant, from Olween, Iowa, Register. Take Your Turn, Boys, from Times Herald, Dallas, Texas.
A Lady Presser, Experience Preferred, Brannan's Cleaning Company. Here's Another, from Kansas City Star. Laundry Help, Girl to Operate Bosom Press, The Bachelor's Laundry Company, 2004 Broadway. Now a man from San Francisco Examiner. Man for pressing forms, no experience necessary, good pay while learning, 541 Market Street. An old timer. A Cambridge undergraduate,
contrary to regulations, was entertaining his sister when they heard someone on the stairs. Hastily hiding his sister behind a curtain, he went to the door and confronted an aged man who was revisiting the scenes of his youth and was desirous of seeing his old rooms. Obtaining permission, he looked around and remarked, Ah, yes, the same old room.
Going to the window, he said, the same old view. and peeping behind the curtain, he exclaimed, the same old game. My sister, sir, said the student. Oh, yes, said the visitor. The same old story. Tits bits. But my dear, Florine, I won't marry a man who won't look me straight in the eye while he is talking to me. Florine, then wear them longer, dearie. Girls no longer love to dance. They dance to love. The old-fashioned girl used to stay home
when she had nothing to wear. The feminine half of the world may not know how the masculine half lives, but it never tires of trying to find out. The luck of the Irish. An Irishman at confession noticed that the priest had a watch on a fob. As it was easy, he nicked it. Continuing his confession, he said, and father, I stole a gold watch and fob from a man, but I will give it to you. The priest was horrified by the suggestion and said, no, you must give it to the man you took
it from. Pat replied, but father, I offered it to him and he would not take it. Then said the priest, you may keep it. Love as an appetizer. Any emotion that gives pleasure acts healthfully on the heart and other organs, certain scientists have recently discovered. Brisk circulation, gnawing appetite, and health ensue. Love, hope, and happiness all produce these emotions, and contrary to the accepted notion, the ardent lover ought to enjoy his meals thoroughly.
Despair, grief, and fear are declared to have quite the opposite effect. They make the heart slower and enfeeble the nervous system, often upsetting digestion. Many a girl looks sweet on the outside, but so does a sugar-coated pill. You may have more brains than a dog, but the dog is the happiest, could explain readily. An enthusiastic temperance proponent was lecturing vigorously on his pet theme when someone in the audience asked him how he could
account for the miracle of the turning of the water into wine. That, he piped up in all seriousness, was the one act performed by the founder of the Christian religion which he ever after regretted. My tear, isn't he brilliant? It's the goods, Maurice, just so brilliant like a glass diamond. The other view. Mrs. Jutso, is my gown cut so low in the back? I can just feel that those men behind does her staring at me? Mr. Husband. Ah, turn around and show them your face and they'll quit
staring. No use. No use loving ain't no gain. No use eating, just a pain. No use kissing, he'll go tell. No use nothing. Oh, hell. The Only Rings You Gave Me by Jack Gould. You promised me a lot of things when first I fell for you. You said you would buy me diamond rings and pearls of lustrous hue. You said that I'd wear silken hoes and other garments fine. Oh boy, I'm here to tell you these. You had a flowery line. Refrain, the only rings you gave me were the rings beneath
my eyes. From vanity you have saved me by adorning me with lies. The only pearls were teardrops that were shed when I got wise. The only rings you gave me were the rings beneath my eyes. The fairy tales that you have told would shame the ones of Grimm. You made me think that all was gold that glittered in the glim. But there is bound to come a day. Just wait, I'll scout and see. When you'll find out you'll have to pay for what you got from me. She was all ready. Jack, ready for the party. Dorothy, the taxi
will be here any minute. Slip on your evening gown quick, wifey. Now, don't be funny, Jack. It's on. Most assuredly, where shall I find ladies' waists? Between the neckwear and the hosiery, madam. End of section 14.
