Chapter 6
Section 6 of Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang, Volume 2, Number 23, August 1921. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang, Volume 2, Number 23, August 1921, by W. H. Fawcett. Questions and Answers Dear Captain, why is it that people say I remind them of a river? T-Bone
Perhaps it is because your mouth is bigger than your head. Dear Skipper, what is meant by a triumvirate? Bob O'Link Agnes, Mabel, and Becky Dear Cap, I have often wondered where all the jokes come from. Al Fresco
I don't know. Where were you born? Dear Bill, My feet are always cold. Do you know anything I could do for them? Geneology. Did you ever try shining your shoes with stove polish? Dear Captain, I found a pair of ice tongs in my parlor. What shall I do? Art-I-choke. Demand a reduction in your ice bill. Dear Cap Bill, Judging from your last letters to me, your fountain pen must leak all of the time.
Why not get a new one? Maggie Zine. No, you are mistaken. It leaks only when I've got ink in it. Dear Cap, can you give me an example of the height of curiosity?
Automatic. A woman sticking her finger into a bowl of soup to see if it leaves a dent. My dear Captain, I admire you very much and wish to tell you that I am a neat, nifty, and nice little girl. All of my hats are from Paris, though I must confess my stockings were all made in America. Would you like to see Paris? Chloroform. No, I'm patriotic. I'd rather see America first.
Dear Cap, how come that your hired man Gus is a born musician? Simon Conscious. Because he has drums in his ears. Dear Captain Billy, how can I impress upon my sweetheart that I am really in love with her, Jim Crow. While talking to her, heave your chest up and down like the men in the movies. Dear Captain Billy, lately I have been keeping company with a delightful girl. Unfortunately, however, she is inclined to wear her skirts too short. Could you advise me on how
I can get her to lengthen them without offending her? I hoof it. Hoof it, old dear. You should learn to be diplomatic. The best way to accomplish the result is to say something like this, Sweetheart, your eyes are simply dazzling, but no one will ever notice them unless you lengthen your skirts. Dear Skipper, what is meant by mind your P's and Q's? Dear Dairymaid, probably means mind your pints and quarts. Dear Captain Billy, I have just been married and would like your advice
on how long I should cook spaghetti. Mrs. Dis-N-Terry. Spaghetti should not be cooked too long. About 10 inches is right. Dear Skipper Bill, a landlubber friend of mine recently joined the Navy and has been assigned to my ship. Could you please suggest a practical joke to play on him during his first trip at sea? Jack Tarr. Bet him a dollar he'll come in the next role. Dear Captain Billy,
I visited a nice little girl the other evening, and she would not let me kiss her. Instead, she insisted on kissing a perfumed Persian kitten she held in her lap. What would you advise me to do? Bashful Bert.
On your next visit, select a dark and dismal night, and at the psychological time, meow like a cat. Maybe she won't know the difference. Dear Captain Billy, I am a young married man. There is a handsome married woman, the wife of a traveling man,
across the hall. She has a phonograph, and each evening, when he is away, she plays such records as Lonesome. I know that you are married. Won't you come over to my house? Won't you come over and play? Do you think I should take a chance? Fickle Phil. You are hereby referred to the poem Johnny and Frankie, which appears in the smokehouse section of this issue. Dear Captain, what large stream flows from north to south?
Dee Jenny Raitt. Hooch, my dear. Dear Captain Billy, when I sing, I get tears in my eyes. What can I do for this? Stuff cotton in your ears.
End of Section 6.
