Chapter 70
letter seventy mr belford robert lovelace esq wednesday eleven o'clock dr h has just been here he tarried with me till the minister had done praying by the lady and then we were both admitted mr goddard who came while the doctor and the clergyman were with her went away with them when they went they took a solemn and everlasting leave of her as i have no scruple to say blessing her and being blessed by her and wishing when it came to be their lot for an exit as happy as hers is likely to be she had again earnestly requested of the doctor his opinion how long it was now probable that she could continue and he told her that he apprehended she would hardly see to-morrow night she said she should number the hours with greater pleasure than ever she numbered any in her life on the most joyful occasion how unlike poor belton's last hours hers see the infinite differences in the effects on the same awful and affecting occasion between a good and a bad conscience this moment a man is come from miss howe with a letter
perhaps i shall be able to send you the contents she endeavoured several times with earnestness but in vain to read the letter of her dear friend the writing she said was too fine for her grosser sight and the line staggered under her eye and indeed she trembled so she could not hold the paper and at last desired mrs lovick to read it to her the messenger waiting for an answer thou wilt see miss howe's litter how different the expression of the same impatience and passionate love is when dictated by the gentler mind of a woman from that which results from a mind so boisterous and knotty as thine for mrs lovick will transcribe it and i shall send it to be read in this place if thou wilt miss howe to miss clarissa harlowe tuesday september fifth o my dearest friend what will become of your poor anna howe i see by your writing as well as read by your own account which were you not very very ill you would have touched more tenderly how it is with you Why have I thus long delayed to attend you? Could I think that the comfortings of a faithful friend were as nothing to a gentle mind in distress, that I could be prevailed upon to forbear visiting you so much as once in all this time? I, as well as everybody else, to desert and abandon my dear creature to strangers. What will become of you? If you be as bad as my apprehensions make you, I will set out this moment, little as the encouragement is that you give me to do so. My mother is willing I should. Why, oh, why was she not before willing? Yet she persuades me too, lest I should be fatally affected were I to find my fears too well justified,
to wait the return of this messenger who rides our swiftest horse. God speed him with good news to me. One line from your hand by him. Send me but one line to bid me attend you. I will set out the moment, the very moment I receive it.
I am now actually ready to do so, and if you love me as I love you, the sight of me will revive you to my hopes. But why? Why, when I think this, did I not go up sooner? "'Blessed Heaven!
"'Deny not to my prayers my friend, my admonisher, my advisor, "'at a time so critical to myself. "'But, methinks, your style and sentiments are too well connected, "'too full of life and vigour, "'to give cause for so much despair as thy staggering pen seems to forebode.
"'I am sorry I was not at home. "'I must add thus much, though the servant is really mounted at the door, "'when Mr. Belford's servant came with your affecting letter. "'I was at Miss Lloyd's. "'My mamma sent it to me, and I came home that instant.
"'But he was gone. "'He would not stay, it seems. yet I wanted to ask him an hundred thousand questions. But why delay I thus my messenger? I have a multitude of things to say to you, to advise with you about. You shall direct me in everything. I will obey the holding up of your finger. But, if you leave me, what is this world,
or anything in it? To your Anna Howe. The effect this letter had on the lady, who is so near the end, which the fair writer so much apprehends and deplores, obliged Mrs. Lovick to make many breaks in reading it, and many changes of voice. "'This is a friend,' said the Divine Lady, taking the letter in her hand and kissing it, worth wishing to live for.
"'Oh, my dear Anna Howe! How uninterruptedly sweet and noble has been our friendship! But we shall one day meet, and this hope must comfort us both, never to part again. Then, divested of the shades of body, shall be all light and all mind. Then how unalloyed, how perfect will be our friendship!
Our love then will have one and the same adorable object, and we shall enjoy it, and each other, to all eternity. She said her dear friend was so earnest for a line or two that she fain would write if she could, and she tried, but to no purpose. She could dictate, however, she believed,
and desired Mrs. Lovick would take pen and paper, which she did, and then she dictated to her. I would have withdrawn, but at her desire stayed. She wondered a good deal at first, she took notice that she did, and when she got into a little train not pleasing herself,
she apologized to Mrs. Lovick for making her begin again and again, and said that the third time should go, let it be as it would. She dictated the farewell part without hesitation, and when she came to blessing and subscription she took the pen, and dropping on her knees, supported by Mrs. Lovick, wrote the conclusion.
But Mrs. Lovick was forced to guide her hand. You will find the scent surprisingly entire, her weakness considered. i made the messenger wait while i transcribed it i have endeavoured to imitate the subscriptive part and in the letter made pauses where to the best of my remembrance she paused in nothing that relates to this admirable lady can i be too minute wednesday near three o'clock my dearest miss howe you must not be surprised nor grieved that mrs lubbock writes for me although i cannot obey you and write with my pen yet my heart writes by hers except it so it is the nearest to obedience i can and now what ought i to say what can i say but why should not you know the truth since soon you must very soon know then and let your tears be those if of pity of joyful pity for i permit you to shed a few to embalm as i may say a fallen blossom
know then that the good doctor and the pious clergyman and the worthy apothecary have just now with joint benedictions taken their last leave of me and the former bids me hope do my dearest let me say hope hope for my enlargement before to-morrow's sunset adieu therefore my dearest friend be this your consolation as it is mine that in god's good time we shall meet in a blessed eternity never more to part once more then adieu and be happy which a generous nature cannot be unless to its power it makes others so too god forever bless you praise dropped on my bended knees although supported upon them your obliged grateful affectionate clarissa harlow when i had transcribed and sealed this letter by her direction i gave it to the messenger myself who told me that miss howe waited for nothing but his return to set out for london thy servant is just come so i will close here thou art a merciless master these two fellows are battered to death by thee to use a female word and all female words though we are not sure of their derivation have very significant meanings i believe in their hearts they wish the angel in the heaven that is ready to receive her and thee at the proper place that there might be an end of their flurries another word of the same gender
what a letter hast thou sent me poor lovelace is all the answer i will return five o'clock colonel morden is this moment arrived letter seventy
