menu_book Chapter 11

chapter eleven of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain engagement of marriage i am engaged to be married alex repeated to herself in a vain endeavor to realize the height to which she must have now attained but that realization by which she meant tangible certainty for which she craved continually eluded her the preliminary formalities indeed duly took place from her own avowal before a graciously maternal lady isabel to noel's formal interview with sir francis in the traditional setting of the library after that however a freakish fate seemed to take control of all the circumstances connected with alex's engagement noel cardew's father became ill and in the uncertainty consequent upon a state of health which his doctor declared might be almost indefinitely prolonged there could be no question of immediately announcing the engagement just as well perhaps we're all delighted about it but they're both young enough to wait a little while lady isabel smilingly made the best of it next year will be quite time enough to settle anything her serenity was the obvious outcome of an extreme contentment alex found herself better able to regard herself in the light of one betrothed in her mother's company than in that of noel

he treated her almost exactly as he had always done with cheerful good-fellowship and only at the very outset of the engagement with any tinge of shyness in his bearing of course i ought to have got a ring he said very seriously but i don't believe in taking any chances and so just in case there was any hitch i waited besides i don't know what you like best you'll have to choose alex smiled at the words there was a glamour about such a choice even beyond that with which her own sense of the romantic perforce enveloped it she wondered whether she would be allowed to go with noel to a jeweller's or whether he would after all choose his token alone and bring it to her and place it on her finger with one of those low ardently spoken sentences which she could hear so clearly in her own mind and which seemed so strangely and utterly impossible in noel's real presence but the arrival of noel's ring after all took her by surprise he had been lunching with them in clevedon square when the jeweller's assistant was announced just as lady isabel was rising from the luncheon-table she turned inquiringly noel

i told him to come here i thought you wouldn't mind you see i want alex to choose her ring oh my dear boy how very exciting but may we see too mrs cardew was also present oh rather said noel heartily we shall want your advice they all trooped hastily into the library where the man was waiting with the very large assortment of gleaming rings ordered for inspection by noel what beauties said lady isabel but really i don't know if i ought to let him she glanced at mrs cardew who said in a very audible voice of course he's so happy it's quite delightful to watch them both she was looking hard and appraisingly at the rings as she spoke alex looked at them too quite unseeing of their glittering magnificence but acutely conscious that every one was waiting for her first word oh how lovely she exclaimed faintly she chid herself violently for the sick disappointment that invaded her not indeed at the matter but at the manner of the gift and yet she realized dimly that it was impossible that it should have happened in any other way that any other way indeed would have been as utterly uncharacteristic of noel cardew as this was typical

which do you like he asked her i chose all the most original ones i could see i always like unconventional designs better than conventional ones i'm afraid where's that long one you showed me this morning the diamond marquise sir the assistant deferentially produced it glancing the while at alex that's it said noel eagerly try it on alex won't you he used her name quite freely and without any shyness alex felt more of genuine excitement and less of wistful bewilderment than at any moment since noel had first asked her to marry him as she shyly held out her left hand and the jeweller slipped the heavy beautiful ring on to her third finger she had long slim hands the fingers rather too thin and the knuckles though small too prominent for beauty but thanks to the tyranny of old nurse and to lady isabel's insistence upon the use of nightly glycerin and honey they were exquisitely soft and white the diamonds gleamed and flashed at her as she moved the ring up and down her finger we can easily make it smaller to fit your finger said the jeweller's assistant it really is beautiful look frances said lady isabel

alex's father put up his glasses and after inspection he also exclaimed beautiful you've such little fingers dear it'll have to be made smaller said mrs cardew graciously is it to be that one then lady isabel asked alex saw that her mother's pretty youthful-looking flush of pleasurable excitement had mounted to her face she herself conscious of an inexplicable oppression felt tongue-tied and unable to do more than repeat foolishly and lifelessly oh it's lovely it's perfectly lovely it's too beautiful noel however looked gratified at the words of admiration that's the one i like he said with emphasis i knew when i saw it this morning that i liked that one much the best we'll settle on that one then shall we you silly boy laughed his mother that's for alex to decide perhaps she likes something else better try the emerald alex oh this is lovely repeated alex again shrinking back a little furious with herself she was yet only desirous that the scene should not be prolonged any longer come and look at it in the light the urgent pressure of lady isabel's hand on her arm drew her into the embrasure of the window

alex said her mother low and swiftly all the time holding up her hand against the light as though studying the ring alex you must be more gracious what is the matter with you nothing said alex childishly feeling inclined to burst into tears then for heaven's sake do try and smile and show a little enthusiasm said her mother with unwonted sharpness alex scarlet and most visibly discomposed returned to the group round the library table forcing herself to make some attempt at obeying her mother's behest she picked up the nearest jewel two pearls in a prettily twisted setting and began to examine it i like that design too it's original said mrs oh but pearls are unlucky she couldn't have pearls protested lady isabel they mean tears don't they alex contributed to the discussion for the sake of making her mother see that she was willing to do her best are you superstitious noel asked rather reproachfully i can't say i believe in all that sort of thing myself you know in fact i make rather a principle of doing things on a thirteenth or walking under ladders and all the rest of it just to prove there's nothing in it

sir francis fixed the young man benevolently through his monocle i presume however that in this instance you prefer not to tempt the gods he remarked affably and noel always obviously in awe of his betrothed's father hastily agreed with him then it's diamonds is it unless alex prefers the emerald i like the diamond one best noel reiterated i really pitched on that one the minute i saw it i like originality well it couldn't be lovelier said lady isabel contentedly the jeweller was shown out leaving the diamond marquis ring in its little white velvet case on the table in front of alex sir francis opened the door for his wife and mrs oh said noel urgently you must stay and see her put it on both ladies laughed at the boyish exclamation and alex flushed scarlet once more noel opened the case and looked proudly at his gift you must put it on for her said his mother when it's been made smaller the hint was unmistakable noel held out the ring let's see it on now at once alex it can go back to the shop later alex in a sort of utter desperation thrust out her hand

and noel politely and carefully avoiding touching it with his own slipped the heavy hoop over her finger thank you she stammered there was another laugh poor dears let's leave them in peace cried mrs cardew mockingly and rustled to the door again did you ever see anything so young as they both are she murmured sweetly to lady isabel audibly enough for alex to guess at the words if she did not actually hear them she was thankful that they should no longer be watching her and turned with something like relief to noel's gratified uncritical looks it became suddenly much easier to speak unconstrainedly perhaps she was subconsciously aware that of all of them it was nowell himself who would expect the least of her because his demands upon her were so infinitesimal it's a beautiful ring thank you very very much i she stopped and gulped then said bravely i love it she emphasized the word almost without knowing it as though to force from him some response although she had never actually realized it it was a word which in point of fact had never yet passed between them noel's fair face colored at last as his light eyes met her unconsciously tragical gaze alex a son

with a horrid inappropriateness the hated gibe of her school-days flashed into alex's thoughts stiffening her face into the old lines of morbid self-conscious misery part of her mind in unwilling detachment contemplated ruefully the oddly inadequate spectacle which they must present staring shamefacedly at one another across the glittering token of their troth frenziedly desirous of breaking the silence heavy with awkwardness that hung between them she began to speak hastily and almost at random thank you so very much i've never had such a lovely present it's lovely thank you so much i thought you'd like it muttered noel more overcome with confusion if possible than was alex oh yes yes it's lovely i thought you'd like something rather original you know not a conventional one oh yes you're sure you wouldn't rather have one of the others that emerald one that mother liked oh no i dare say they'd let me change it the man knows us very well oh no no well i-i'm awfully glad you like it yes i do like it i-i think it's lovely i thought you'd like it

alex began to feel as though she was in a nightmare but she was mysteriously unable to put an end to their sorry dialogue it's perfectly lovely i think i don't know how to thank you noel swallowed two or three times visibly and audibly and then took a couple of determined steps towards her i think you-you'd better let me kiss you he said hoarsely you haven't yet you know something deep down within alex was surging up in angry bewilderment and she was sufficiently aware of a sense of protest to rebut it indignantly and with lightning-swift determination it was the humility of love that had prompted her lover to crave that permission which should never have been asked so she told herself in the flash of a moment while she waited for noel's kiss to lift her once and for all into some far realm of romance where trivial details of manifestation should no longer obscure the true values of life unconsciously she had shut her eyes but at an unaccountable pause in the proceedings she opened them again noel was carefully removing his pince-nez

i say he stammered youre youre sure you don't mind if alex had followed the impulse of her own feelings she must have cried out at this juncture not if you're quick and get it over but instead she heard herself murmuring feebly oh no not at all she hastily raised her face turning it sideways to noel and felt his lips gingerly touching the middle of her cheek then she opened her eyes again and scrupulously avoiding noel's embarrassed gaze saw him diligently polishing his pince-nez before replacing them it was the apotheosis of their anticlimax alex possessed neither the light-heartedness which is mistakenly generally ascribed to youth nor the philosophy to face facts with any determination she continued to cram her unwilling mind with illusions which her innermost self perfectly recognized as such it was on the whole easier to place her own interpretation upon nowell's every act of commission or omission when the shyness subsequent to their first ill-conducted embrace had left him which it speedily did easier still when intercourse between them was renewed upon much the same terms of impersonal enthusiasm in discussion as in scotland and easiest of all when alex herself in retrospect wrenched a sentimental significance out of words or looks that had been meaningless at the time of their occurrence

when noel went to devonshire whither his father by slow invalid degrees had at last been allowed to move he said to alex in farewell i shall expect to hear from you very often mind i always like getting letters though i'm afraid i'm not much good at writing them you know what i mean i can write simply pages if i'm in the mood just as though i were talking to some one and other days i can't put pen to paper i don't think i write very good letters myself said alex wistfully in the hope of eliciting reassurance oh never mind said noel consolingly just write when you feel like it alex who had composed a score of imaginary love-letters both on his behalf and her own tried to compensate herself the following evening for the vague misery that was encompassing her spirit by writing she was alone in her own room the fire had fallen into red embers and her surroundings were sufficiently appropriate to render attainable the state of mind which she desired to achieve as she involuntarily rehearsed to herself the elements of her own situation she lulled herself into a species of happiness

his ring on her finger his letter on its way to her she was going to write to the man who had asked her to become his wife there was really some one at last alex told herself to whom she had become the centre of the universe to whom her letters would matter to whom everything that she might think or feel would be of importance she remembered maurice goldstein his knowledge of queenie's every movement his triumphant rapture at being allowed to take her out to luncheon or tea even now alex had seen him follow his wife with his ardent glowing gaze as she moved serene and graceful round a crowded room on the arm of some other man and the look had made her heart throb sympathetically and perhaps not altogether unenviously almost fiercely she told herself that she had noel's love she was to him what queenie was to young goldstein to every rebellious doubt that rose within her she opposed the soundless vehement assertions that the indelible proof of noel's love lay in the fact that he had asked her to marry him gradually she persuaded herself that only her own self-consciousness of which she was never more aware than when with noel was responsible for that strange lack which she dared not attempt to define lest in so doing she should shatter the feeble structure built out of sentimentality and resolute self-blinding

partly because she instinctively craved a relief to her own feelings and partly because she had really almost made herself believe in the truth of her own imaginings alex wrote her first love-letter the shy yet passionately worded self-expression of a young and intensely romantic girl in love with the thought of love too ignorant for reserve and yet too conscious of the novelty of her own experience for absolute spontaneity alex did not sleep after she had written her letter but she lay in bed in the warm soft glow of the firelight and saw the square white envelope within which she had sealed her letter leaning against the silver inkstand on her writing-table when the maid came to her in the morning she brought a letter addressed in noel's unformed hand it was quite short and began dearest alex is that right it told her of the journey to devonshire of an improvement in the invalid's state of health and of noel's own projected tour of inspection round the estate which he thought had been neglected by his agent of late but i shall be able to put all that to right i hope as i am rather keen about the housing of the poor and questions of that sort you might look out for any decent book on social economy will you alex the letter did not extend beyond the bottom of the second page

but noel was going to write again in a day or two when there was more to tell her and with love to every one he was hers for ever and a day noel alex's reply went to travaux's the same day but the letter she had written in the firelight she burned End of chapter 11