menu_book Chapter 3

chapter three of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain queenie torrance school days in belgium went on through the steamy rain-sudden days of spring to the end of term and the grandes vacances looked forward to with such frantic eagerness even by the children who like the convent best alex was again bitterly conscious of an utter want of conformity setting her apart from her fellow-creatures the misery of parting for eight weeks from queenie torrance overwhelmed her casually queenie said i may not come back next term i shall be seventeen by then and i don't see why i should be at school any longer if i can get round farther what would you do why come out of course said queenie i'm quite old enough and every one says i look older than i am she moved her head about slightly so as to get sidelong views of her own reflection in the big window-pane there were no looking-glasses at the convent it was true that in spite of a skin smooth and unlined as a baby's and the childish semi-circular comb that gathered back the short flaxen ringlets from her rounded innocent brow

queenie's slender but very well-developed figure and the unvarying opaque pallor of her complexion made her look infinitely nearer maturity than the slim long-legged american girls or over-plump giggling french and belgian ones alex gazed at her with mute exaggerated despair on her face your parents will permit that you make your dbut at once yes queried morta poupa as one resigned to the incredible folly and weakness of british and american parents i can manage my father said queenie gently and with the perfect conviction of experience in her voice as the day of the breaking up drew nearer discipline insensibly relaxed and queenie suddenly became less averse from responding in some degree to alex's wistful advances on the last day one of broiling heat the two spent the afternoon alone together unrebuked in a corner of the great verger where the pupils were scattered in groups feeling as though the holidays had already begun i shall have the journey with you said alex piteously madame hippolyte is taking us over with one of the lay sisters said queenie naming the most vigilant of the older french nuns so it will be much better if we don't talk together on the boat you know there will be the three monroe girls as well because they're going to spend their holidays in devonshire or somewhere

how do you know it will be madame hippolyte said alex disconsolately the authority deputed to conduct pupils on the journey to and from lige was one of the many items in the convent curriculum always shrouded in impenetrable mystery until the actual moment of departure i overheard two of them talking about it in the linen room this morning placidly said queenie i kept behind the door part of her curious attractiveness was that she never attempted to disguise or deny certain practices which alex had been taught to consider as dishonorable alex counted this as but one more stone in the edifice erected for the worship of her idol it was not until she saw queenie torrance long after in other relations and other surroundings that she dimly realized how much of that streak of extraordinary candor was the direct product of a magnificently justified self-confidence in the potency of her own attraction needing no enhancement from moral or mental attributes do you always live in london alex yes in clevedon square you know i told you about it queenie yes i know but i only wondered if perhaps you had a house in the country as well no father and mother go to scotland in the summer and generally they send us to the seaside with nurse and a governess or some one

i see said queenie reflectively she had wondered if perhaps the clairs had a country-house to which she as a favourite school-friend would be asked to stay father hates the country said alex we are sure to be in london for a little while in september before i come back here would you would you she gulped and clasped her hands nervously certain of lady isabel's rules and recommendations rushed to her mind but she desperately tried to ignore them i suppose you would not come to tea with me one day if i were allowed to ask you oh if only your mother knew my mother smoothly queenie took her cue of course mother won't let me go to tea with any one unless she knows them herself but i don't know-what club does your father belong to two or three i think said alex surprised he often goes to arthur's or the turf club so does father perhaps we could manage it that way said queenie reflectively she had every intention of cultivating her friendship with alex clare in london then you'd like to come queenie breathed alex ecstatically of course i would queenie told her affectionately my dear you know i have hated all the fuss here and our never being allowed to speak a word to one another but what could i do

she shrugged her shoulders then queenie had really cared all the time alex in that moment was compensated for all the tears and storms and disgraces of the year that afternoon spent under the thick leafy boughs of the old apple-trees with queenie enabled alex to face with some degree of courage the prospect of their approaching separation she knew that any sign of unhappiness for such a reason would be imputed to her as wrong-doing by the authorities and as unnatural and heartless indifference to home on the part of her companions so alex who had no trust in any standards of her own was ashamed of the tears which she nightly stifled in her hard pillow and felt them to be one more of those degrading weaknesses with which her creator had malignantly endowed her in order that she might be as a pariah among her fellows she felt no resentment only blind wonder and fatalistic apathy nevertheless all through alex's childhood and early girlhood unhappy though she was there dwelt within her a curious certainty that somewhere happiness awaited her which she and she alone would have full capacity to appreciate

side by side with that was her intense capacity for suffering but that she was learning to think of as only a cruel tearing affliction despised alike by god and man of the immense force latent in the power of intense feeling alex knew nothing nor did any of the teaching which she received vouchsafe to her any illumination she and queenie and the three monroe girls made the journey to england with madame hippolyte who showed alex a marked kindness not usual with her at fifteen wakeful nights and storms of crying leave their traces and alex pale-faced and with encircled eyes was pitiful in her propitiatory attempts to join in the eager anticipations of holiday enjoyment exchanged between her companions perhaps thought the french nun the little black sheep had not had a very happy home a bad report would follow alex to england she well knew and it might be that the poor child was dreading its results her manner to alex grew gentle and compassionate and alex noticed it with a relieved uncomprehending gratitude that held something abject in its surprised almost incredulous acceptance of any kindness madame hippolyte though she sternly rebuked herself for the uncharitable impulse felt a certain contempt of the way in which her advances were received she knew nothing of the self-assertive arrogant manner that would presently revive in the childish sense of security in home surroundings

and would yet be merely another manifestation of the unbalanced complexity that was alex clare but as the crossing came to an end and they found themselves in the train speeding towards london alex was silent her small face white and her eyes tragical the american girls made delighted use of the strip of looking-glass in the carriage and exchanged predictions as to the pleased amazement that would be caused by sadie's growth the length of marie's plait of red hair and diana's added inches of skirt queenie torrance only glanced at her reflection once or twice though an acute observer might have seen that she was not indifferent to the advantage of facing a looking-glass after the many weeks in which none had been available but she was merely completely serene in the immutability of her own attractiveness queenie did not need to depend upon her looks which seldom or never varied from soft colourless opacity and opulence of contour the pale heavy rings of her fair hair always fell back in the same way from her open rounded forehead her well-modelled hands with fingers broad at the base and pointed gleaming nails were always cool and white

the americans were all three pretty girls and something of race that showed in alex's bearing and gestures made her remarkable amongst any assembly of children but it was at queenie that every man who passed the little group in the railway carriage glanced a second time good madame hippolyte as serenely unaware of this as only a woman whose life had been passed in a religious order could be regarded queenie as by far the least of the responsibilities on her hands and did not conceal her satisfaction when marie and sadie and diana were immediately claimed at the terminus by a group of excited noisy cousins and hurried away to an enormous waiting carriage in pair et vous she demanded turning to the other two dad'll come for me said queenie confidently inadvertently uttering a nickname that would not have been permitted to the clare children and was in fact never in those days heard in the class of society to which they belonged queenie shot an imperceptible glance of confusion at alex who was clinging speechlessly to her hand next moment she had recovered herself there's my father she cried colonel torrance was making his way rapidly towards them a tall soldierly looking man

a trifle too conspicuously well-groomed a trifle too upright in his bearing a trifle too remarkable altogether with very black moustache and eyebrows and very white hair he raised his tall white hat with its black band at the sight of his daughter expanded his white waistcoat and grey frock-coat with the malmaison button-hole yet further and whipped off his pale grey glove to take the limp hand extended to him by alex as queenie self-possessedly introduced her alex hardly heard colonel torrance's elaborately courteous allusion to sir francis clare whom he had had the pleasure of seeing several times at the club but she wondered eagerly if that introduction would be considered sufficient to allow of her inviting queenie to clevedon square she felt as though her spirit were being torn from her body when queenie said good-bye alex dear mind you right au revoir ma mère compliments were exchanged between madame hippolyte and queenie's father the gentleman flourished his top hat again and then said to his daughter my dear i have a hansom waiting the impudent fellow says his horse won't stand i trust you have no large amount of luggage queenie shook her head smiling slightly and in a moment the brevity of which seemed incredible to alex and left her with an instant's absolute suspension of physical faculties they disappeared among the crowd

madame hippolyte grasped the arm of her distraught-looking pupil but rouse yourself alex she said vigorously who is to come for you the carriage muttered alex automatically well aware that neither would lady isabel sacrifice an hour of her afternoon to waiting at a crowded london station in july nor old nurse permit the other children to do so had they wished it and where is it this carriage sceptically demanded madame hippolyte harassed and exhausted and aware that she had yet to find a four-wheeled cab of sufficiently cleanly and sober appearance to satisfy her in which she might proceed herself to the convent branch house in the east of london but presently alex came partially out of her dream and pointed out the brougham and bay horse and the footman in buff livery at the door but she will not drive alone in this quartier cried the nun in horrified protest at this exhibition of english want of propriety her fears proved groundless the neat black bonneted head of the maid appeared at the brown window and with a sigh of infinite relief madame hippolyte bade farewell to the last and most anxiously regarded of her charges how you've grown miss alex cried the maid

but her tone was scarcely one of admiration as she gazed at the stooping shoulders and pale travel-stained face under the ugly sailor hat of dark blue straw we shall have to make you look like yourself with some of your own clothes before your mamma sees you she added kindly alex scarcely answered and sat squeezing her hands together she knew she must come out of this dream of misery that seemed to envelop her and which was so naughty and undutiful of course it was unnatural not to be glad to come home again and it wasn't as though she had been so very happy at lige it was only queenie no one must know or she would certainly be blamed and ridiculed for her foolish and headlong fancy alex wondered dimly why she was so constituted as to differ from every one else the cab turned into clevedon square alex looked out of the window the big square bore already the look of desertion most associated in her mind with summer in london shutters and blinds obscured the windows of the first and second floors of many houses and against one of the corner houses a ladder was propped and an unwontedly dazzling cream-colour proclaimed fresh paint

some of the houses showed striped sun-blinds and window-boxes of scarlet geraniums alex saw that there were flowers in their own balcony as well as an awning when the carriage drew up at the front door she jumped out and replied hastily to the man-servant's respectful greeting a slight feeling of excitement possessing her for the first time at the prospect of seeing barbara and impressing her with her added inches of height she ran quickly up the stairs hoping that lady isabel would not chance to come out of the drawing-room as she went past on the second landing safely past the double door of the drawing-room she paused a minute to take breath and heard a subdued call from overhead barbara was hanging over the banisters with archie hallo alex alex went up to the schoolroom landing and she and barbara looked curiously at one another before exchanging a perfunctory kiss alex suddenly felt grubby and rather shabby in her old last year's serge frock which had been considered good enough for the journey when she saw barbara in her clean white muslin with a very pale blue sash and her hair tied up with a big pale blue bow.

Barbara's hair had grown, which annoyed Alex. It fell into one long pale curl down her back, and no longer provoked a contrast with Alex's superior length of shining wave. Deprived of the supervision of Nurse, with her iron insistence on fifty strokes of the brush every night

and Roland's macassar on Saturdays, alex's hair had somehow lost its shine and hung limply in a tangled uneven pigtail alex thought that barbara eyed her in a rather superior way she felt much more enthusiastic in greeting little archie he was prettier and pinker and more engaging than ever and alex felt glad that he had not yet been sent to school to have his fair curls cropped and his little velvet suit exchanged for cricketing flannels he pulled alex into the schoolroom with the enthusiasm for a new face characteristic of a child to whom shyness is unknown and alex received the curt all-observant greeting which she had learnt to know would always await her from old nurse so you're back from your foreign parts are you miss alex nurse always said miss alex when addressing her returned charge at first and as invariably relapsed into her old peremptory form of address before the end of the evening

my sakes child what have they been doing to you you look like a scarecrow has she grown asked barbara jealously she knew that grown-up people were always for some mysterious reason pleased when one had grown grown yes and got her back bent like a bow said nurse vigorously an hour on the backboard's what you'll do every day in bed at seven o'clock to-night have they been giving you enough to eat of course said alex tossing her head she did not like the convent when she was there but a contradictory instinct always made her when at home uphold it violently as a privileged spot to which she alone had access you look half starved to me nurse said unbelievingly nothing would ever have persuaded her of what was in fact the truth that alex received more abundant more wholesome and infinitely better cooked food in belgium than in london barbara sat on the end of the sofa swinging her legs and fidgeting with the tassel of the blind cord have you brought back any prizes alex she inquired negligently and alex replied with an equal air of indifference one for composition and i've got a certificate of proficiency for music

this was not at all the way in which she had planned to make her announcements she had thought that her prizes would impress barbara very much and she had foreseen a sort of small ceremony of display when she would bring out the big red and gilt book but barbara only nodded and presently said cedric has got quantities of prizes the headmaster wrote and told father that he was a boy of marked abilities and remarkable power of concentration and father's going to give him a whole sovereign but that's because he made his century when will he be here next week his holidays begin on tuesday and he's got a whole fortnight longer than we have we asked alex coldly how can you have holidays you're not at school i have lessons cried barbara angrily you know i have and mademoiselle is going to give me a prize for writing and a prize for history and a prize for application so there prizes said alex scornfully when you're all by yourself i never heard such nonsense she no longer felt wretched and subdued but full of irritation at barbara's conceit and absorption in herself it's not nonsense it is if you'd been at school you'd know it was

one more word of this and you'll go to bed the pair of you declared old nurse the autocrat whom alex had for the moment forgotten it's arg or barg or the minute you set foot in the place miss alex now you just come along and be made to be fit to be seen before your poor mamma and papa set eyes on you looking like a charity school child as hasn't seen a brush or a bit of soap for a month of sundays useless to protest even at this trenchant description of herself useless to attempt resistance during the long process of undressing dressing again brushing and combing inspection of finger-nails and general dissatisfied scrutiny that ensued alex in a stiff clean frock the counterpart to her secret vexation of barbara's open-work stockings and new shoes that hurt her feet was enjoined to hold back her shoulders and not poke and despatched to the drawing-room with barbara and archie as soon as the school-room tea was over she felt as though she had never been away no one had asked her anything about the convent and all through tea barbara and archie had talked about the coming holidays or had made allusions to events of which alex knew nothing but which had evidently been absorbing their attention for the last few weeks

they seemed to alex futile in the extreme downstairs lady isabel kissed her and said well my darling i'm very glad to have you at home again have you been a good girl this term and brought back a report that will please papa and then had turned to speak to some one without waiting for an answer alex sat beside her mother while she talked to the one remaining visitor and felt discontented and awkward barbara and archie were looking at pictures together in the corner of the room very quiet and well behaved the caller stayed late and just as she had gone sir francis came in from his club the faint familiar smell of tobacco and russia leather and expensive eau de cologne that seemed to pervade him striking alex with a fresh sense of recognition as she rose to receive his kiss he greeted her very kindly but alex was quite aware of a dissatisfaction as intense as though less outspoken than that of old nurse as he put up his double eye-glasses and gazed at his eldest daughter we must see if the country or the seaside will bring back some roses to your cheeks he said in characteristic phraseology but when the children were dismissed from the drawing-room sir francis straightened his own broad back and tapped alex's rounded shoulder-blades

hold yourself up my child he said very decidedly i want to see a nice flat and straight back he made no other criticism and none was needed alex had gauged the extent of his dismay chapter three