Chapter 68
when is this horror to have an end only with my life am i indeed to pass the remainder of my days within this dismal cell days so happy till that the happiest of all its ill-starred night and my love so strong so confident its reward seeming so nigh all to be for naught sweet dreams and bright hopes suddenly truly extinguished nothing but darkness now within my heart in this gloomy place everywhere around me oh it is agony when will it be over it is the english girl who thus bemoans her fate still confined in the convent and the same cloister herself changed however though but a few weeks have passed the roses of her cheeks have become lilies her lips wan her features of sharper outline
the eyes retired in their sockets with a look of woe unspeakable her form too has fallen away from the full ripe grounding that characterized it though the wreck is concealed by a low strapery of ample folds for sir marie now wears the garb of the holy sisterhood hating it as her words show she is seated on the pallet's edge while giving utterance to her sombre soliloquy and without change of attitude continues it imprisoned i am that's certain and for no crime it may be without hostility on the part of those who have done it perhaps better it were so then there might be hope of my captivity coming to an end as it is there is none none i comprehend all now the reason for bringing me here keeping me everything and that reason remains must as long as i am alive merciful heaven the exclamatory phrase is almost a shriek despair sweeping through her soul as she thinks of why she is there shut up for hinging upon what is the hopelessness almost a dead drear certainty she will never have deliverance
stunned by the terrible reflection she pauses even thought for the time's date but the throw passing she again pursues her soliloquy now in more conjectural strain strange that no friend has come after me no one caring for my fate even to inquire and he no that is not strange only sadder harder to think of how could i expect or hope he would but surely it is not so i may be wronging them all friends relatives even him they may not know where i am cannot how could they i know not myself only that it is france and in a nunnery but what part of france and how i came to it likely they are ignorant as i and they may never know never find out if not oh what is to become of me father in heaven merciful saviour help me in my helplessness
after this frenzied outburst a calmer interval succeeds in which human instincts as thoughts direct her she thinks if i could but find means to communicate with my friends make known to them where i am and how then ah tis hopeless no one allowed near me but the attendant and that sister ursel for compassion from either i might just as well make appeal to the stones of the floor the sister seems to take delight in torturing me every day doing or saying some disagreeable thing i suppose to humble break bring me to her purpose that the taking of the veil and none never it is not in my nature and i would rather die than dissemble it dissemble she repeats in a different accent that word helps me to a thought why should i not dissemble i will thus emphatically pronouncing she springs to her feet the expression of her features changing suddenly as her attitude
then paces the floor to and fro with hands clasped across her forehead the white attenuated fingers writhingly entwined in her hair they want me to take the veil the black one so shall i the blackest in all the convent's wardrobe if they wish it ay crape if they insist on it yes i'm resigned now to that anything they can prepare the robes westman's all the adornments of their detested mummery i am prepared willing to put them on it's the only way my only hope of regaining liberty i see i'm sure of it she pauses as if still but half resolved then goes on i am compelled to this deception is it a sin if so god forgive me but no it cannot be tis justified by my wrongs my sufferings another and longer pause during which she seems profoundly to reflect after it saying i shall do so pretend compliance and begin this day this very hour if the opportunity arise
what should be my first pretence i must think of it practise rehearse it let me see ah i have it the world has forsaken forgotten me why then should i cling to it instead why not in angry spite fling it off as it has me that's the way a creaking at the cloister door tells of its key turning in the lock slight as is the sound it acts on her as an electric shock suddenly and altogether changing the cast of her countenance the instant before half angry half sad it is now a picture of pious resignation her attitude different also from striding tragically over the floor she has taken a seat with a book in her hand which she seems industriously perusing it is that aid to faith recommended but hitherto unread she is to all appearance so absorbed in its pages as not to notice the opening of the door nor the footsteps of one entering how natural her start as she hears a voice and looking up beholds sir
ah ejaculates the latter with an exultant air as of a spider that sees a fly upon the edge of its web glad marie to find you so employed it promises well both for the peace of your mind and the good of your soul you've been foolishly lamenting the world left behind wickedly too what is to compare with that to come a straw stir to gold or diamonds the book you hold in your hand will tell you so doesn't it it does indeed then profit by its instructions and be sorry you have not sooner taken counsel from it i am sorry sister ursul it would have comforted you will now it has already ah so much i would not have believed any book could give me the view of life it has done i begin to understand what you've been telling me to see the vanities of this earthly existence how poor and empty they are in comparison with the bright joys of that other life oh why did i not know it before
at this moment a singular tableau is exhibited within that convent cell two female figures one seated the other standing novice and nun the former fair and young the latter ugly as old and still in greater contrast the expression upon their faces that of the girl's downcast demure lids over the eyes less as if in innocence than repentant of some sin while the glances of the woman show pleased surprise struggling against incredulity her suspicion still in the ascendant sir ursul stands regarding the disciple so suddenly converted with a look which seems to penetrate her very soul it is born without sign of quailing and she at length comes to believe the penitence sincere and that her proselytising powers have not been exerted in vain nor it is strange she should so deceive herself it is far from being the first novice contre coeur she has broken upon the wheel of despair and made content to taking a vow of life-long seclusion from the world
convinced she has subdued the proud spirit of the english girl and gloating over a conquest she knows will bring substantial reward to herself she exclaims prayerfully in mock pious tone blessed be holy mary for this new mercy on your knees ma fille and pray to her to complete the work she has begun hand upon her knees drops the novice while the nun as if deeming herself de trop in the presence of prayer slips out of the cloister silently shutting the door chapter twenty one read by
