menu_book Chapter 9

chapter nine of the elephant club by ghostix and oxide this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by don w jenkins chapter nine johnny cake's first spree whatever is is right in the last chapter of this veritable history is related the unexpected and unusually thorough inebriation of mr john i kake from the verdant prairies of illinois the alcoholically saturated condition of johnny's corporosity on the occasion herein before mentioned surprised the thirsty brotherhood far more than would a similar state of facts in which any other one of the fraternity should have been implicated because as johnny had always perched himself upon the aqueous pinnacle of misanthropic teetotalism it was not reasonable to suppose that he should by one single dive precipitate himself at once to the lowest depth of inebriation for his profession's sake he should have come down easier as his new-made friends had taken his moral culture under their especial guardianship he was duly required the next evening to give for the instruction and edification of the club a full account of his night's experience

having first premised that he only complied with this desire and obedience to that imperative rule of the club to which he had solemnly affixed his name which in the most awful language pledges every member who takes that terrible obligation to do exactly as he pleases unless his own pleasure shall influence him otherwise or unless upon mature consideration he shall decide that he had rather do something else he proceeded to enlighten the anxious elephantine expectants when i left you yesterday said he i had no more idea that i should so far overstep the bounds of my customary propriety and make my next appearance before you in a state of alcoholic disguise than i have at this present moment that the setting sun shall see me under arrest for picking somebody's pocket of a steam saw-mill strolling about yesterday for some time i became tired of the monotonous hurry of broadway and eventually strayed into that delightful rural locality which you call i think the bowery on the corner of this avenue of the rustic cognomen and broom street there is a place of refreshment for the weary

i entered its open doors and sat down in a little three-sided closet determined to procure the wherewithal to refresh the inner individual obedient to my upraised finger a person came this person had on a small wide apron this person also flourished in his dexter digits a napkin of questionable purity this person wore slippers and had a voice like an asthmatic bull-frog this person was a city waiter a mail waiter a degeneration of the genus homo which i sincerely hope will at no very distant day become utterly extinct he procured for me the viands which my capricious taste selected from the suggestive printed list of edibles there to be obtained while engaged in consigning to a living grave the bivalves he had brought i had a fair opportunity to observe some to me remarkable gymnastics then in course of accomplishment by an active young man who presided at the bar and held dominion over the bottles first pouring into a tumbler some liquid to me unknown diluting it with water adding ice sugar lemon and other ingredients with which i am unacquainted he proceeded to throw the compound about in the most unheard-of manner from one tumbler to another over his head under his leg round his neck

over one arm and under the other without ever spilling a drop first uplifting one hand high in air he poured the mixture in a sparkling cascade from the glass in the right hand to that in the left then he threw it in a sparkling shower in the air till the lumps of ice rattled on the ceiling then he dispersed it in a misty spray about his head and recovered it all in his magic glass by some diabolic dexterity without losing the fraction of a drop then in one grand final effort he tossed it round the beer-pump down one side and up the other and over the chandelier changing a two-dollar bill while it was in the air and giving his customer his drink with one hand and with the other his silver change intermixed with twenty per cent of pewter dimes which the thirsty buyer invariably pocketed before he could recover from his astonishment i finished my dinner and was anxious to see the little man perform again i approached the little man and desired him to concoct me a lemonade he inquired if i wanted a fly in it as the flying part was what i most desired i answered yes the little man went through the motions i sent the lemonade to its destination noticing at the time something remarkably nectarian in the taste as i supposed the evolutions which it had accomplished in mid-air had imparted to it an unusual flavour

and as i wanted to see the performance again i immediately subscribed for one more of the same sort again the question about the fly again an affirmative with a remark that the bigger the fly the better i should be pleased supposing that thereby he would for my satisfaction make it fly through some new motions i am satisfied that this time the fly was larger than on the former occasion i was still unsatisfied another subscription and another lemonade that this time the entomological interrogation was not propounded he took the fly for granted and he was right about this time the person who came home with me last night made his appearance i shook hands with him at once for i thought i recognised him i imagined that he was a man who seven years ago licked me with rawhide for stealing his pippins and setting fire to his sugar-bush and i was anxious to shake hands for old acquaintance's sake i beg now however to state that i am satisfied this impression was erroneous for i have this morning a distinct recollection that the individual of pomological memory removed to kansas where he was first lynched for stealing a horse and afterward chosen county treasurer and inspector of election

however be that as it may certain it is that in that particular moment thinking i had fallen in with an old friend i invited him to drink with me he accepted and presently he proposed punch and made a remark about cobbler punch i have heard mentioned as the prince of good fellows and i was anxious to make his acquaintance cobbler i had only heard of as a man of lapstones and leather aprons and i did not particularly desire to know him on receiving an introduction to punch i was amazed to find that he was not an individual but a drink a luscious combination of fragrant ingredients although i was mistaken in the identity i was pleased with him and it may not be superfluous to remark that the more i saw of him the more i wanted to see and the more i did see about this time i had two friends there were two active little men behind the bar each throwing from double-barrelled tumblers two streams of lemonade over his head each with two flies in there were two beer-pumps each with two dozen handles and the number of bottles and decanters was beyond computation the floor rose up and down in wooden billows and knocked my hat off

i attempted to remonstrate with floor but at this juncture the floor clinched me we had a long wrestle and finally went down floor on top by a convulsive exertion i turned the floor got it under and stood on it to keep it down had some compunctions about striking a fallen enemy but passion got the better of me and i tried to kick the floor floor kicked back and threw sand-dust in my eyes got away wanted to get out-doors but the room had changed about so that the door was over my head and the bar with the active little men was nearly under my feet was afraid i should walk over the little men and break the bottles stepped very carefully so as to avoid any such accident and put my foot in the stove peter rescued me from the devouring element and got me out of doors peter said he would see me home and ask me where i lived i told him i was an elephant made him understand that i could show him the place where i hung out even if i couldn't tell him so we started we must have come through chatham street for i can remember seeing some one with a hammer selling clothing i know i wanted to go in and make some purchases the ruling idea in my mind at that moment was that the gray mare wanted a winter overcoat the oxen a pair of striped pantaloons apiece

that the sow and each of her tender offspring ought to have a red jacket and a pair of spectacles and that it was a matter of necessity and charity to purchase seven dozen hickory shirts to keep the blue jays away from the apple-trees i went in and commenced bidding i know i was not particular about prices and that any opposition provoked me exceedingly so much so that i bid twenty-three dollars for a second-hand pocket-handkerchief because when the auctioneer started it at ten cents and i offered fifteen a hook-nosed jew bid three cents over me auction over at last man with the hammer wanted me to pay up found that i had bought three-quarters of his stock and hadn't money enough to settle the bill i know i gave him all i had and also my coat and neckerchief to make up the balance i also had a distinct recollection of calling him a hebrew robber upon which he knocked me in the eye with his hammer and followed up his declaration of hostilities by splitting my nose with the yardstick we got out of doors and proceeded down-town on the corner of chambers street the third avenue railroad squared off and knocked me down peter held me steadily while i rebuked the offender in proper terms the third avenue railroad took off its hat and apologized i forgave it

we went into a cellar got in by a complicated dive i sat down at first on the piano next on a pile of oyster shells and finally by the aid of a huge pair of whiskers with a little dutchman behind them deposited myself in a chair on top of peter peter got out after a prolonged struggle place very hirsute big beards on everybody ten parts of hair to one part dutchman my vision may have been slightly deranged but i am certain that one diminutive german had two pairs of whiskers a moustache just over his eyes and a four-foot yellow beard which sprung from his teeth we drank lager beer peter quoted shakespeare when the man said pay up and insisted on singing an english chorus to a dutch song company indignant peter very valiant but too few in number peter fought peter kicked peter swore peter was overpowered peter was elevated in the arms of four stout dutchmen above the heads of the company exit peter through the window in leaving the room myself i too received some uncalled-for aid but finally rejoined peter on the sidewalk above i spied the mystic light which told me the elephantine resort was close at hand

couldn't fetch it asked m p he said if we'd tell him the address he'd show us tried to recollect it couldn't exactly make it out but said at a venture corner of maiden lane and canal street officer indignant we finally found the place tried to come up still so as to surprise you but i am willing to admit that attempt to be a partial failure we reached the door at last it wouldn't open peter called it sebastopol and proposed that we should storm it we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two called to our aid a twelve feet plank as a battering-ram and by hard blows persuaded the door to yield that broken panel is a forcible example of the power of moral suasion when i remarked that judging from my present sensations i should imagine a six horse power thressing machine to be in the height of successful operation in my head immediately over my eyes there are perhaps some sympathizing persons in the room who have experienced the same delicious sensation and can therefore fancy my feelings the members of the club expressed themselves eminently satisfied with mr cake's statement of his experience

and the high old boy requested that mr cake should inscribe in the records the said experience in order that it might not be lost to future generations mr cake promised to do so mr spout being seized with a fit of liberality ordered punches for the company and two of the same kind for johnny cake which johnny indignantly refused saying that if before his recent experience in wholesale dissipation he had disliked alcoholic beverages such were his feelings now that the dislike amounted to an abhorrence. Mr. Spout said that it was all right, as in such case he should drink them all himself. Mr. Dropper remarked that some two or three years previously, when he first arrived from Cincinnati, and before he had became fully posted up in the various phases

of unwhipped rascality in New York, he had on one occasion, owing to his ignorance, got into the station-house. A general sentiment as expressed was that Mr. Dropper should state the history of the circumstance, or be immediately expelled from the club, and kicked downstairs minus his coat, hat, and boots. Mr. Dropper said that he found it impossible to resist the gentle persuasions of his companions. Fellow quadrupeds, said he, soon after my arrival in this mass meeting of

bricks and mortar, I read in a morning paper the announcement of an extraordinary gift enterprise, which some benevolent and philanthropic individual had set on foot, with the view of making everybody in general, and himself in particular, rich. I thought of the subject for several days. The idea of securing a farm of three hundred acres in New Jersey, all in first-rate condition, with houses, barns, and fences ready-made, at the moderate cost of a dollar, was rather agreeable

than otherwise, and the more I reflected upon the matter, the more I became satisfied that such a bargain was a consummation most devoutly to be wished for. One night I went to bed thinking of the farm. Finally I fell asleep, and, sleeping, I dreamed love, dreamed love of, seeing six cats, each with two tails, and each tail eight feet long, and afterwards a seventh cat with a bob-tail. When I awoke in the morning, I attempted to interpret my dream,

and I readily found a meaning. I put the figures together in the order above, that is to say, six cats, two tails, eight feet long, one cat bobtail, which latter I thought was equivalent to a knot, and I had the following result, 62810. I concluded that this was the lucky number which was to get the farm. I posted off immediately to the office of the gift enterprise, and called for number 62810, and laid down my dollar. The dollar was accepted, and the ticket

was handed me, done up in an envelope. I was confident of having the title deeds to the premises given me as soon as the drawing should take place, and as that event was set down for the next week, and there was no time to be lost, I contracted for thirty-two head of cattle, and all the necessary farming utensils, in order to be ready to commence a life of ease and luxury, at the earliest practicable moment, after the said real estate should come into my possession.

I also advertised for two stout farmhands, to assist me in following the prospective agricultural pursuits. I had some three hundred and sixty-eight answers. I finally engaged two athletic Irishmen, who were recommended by their late employer as being excellent farmhands, and who, in addition, possessed this virtue that, when drunk, they were satisfied to abuse one another, and never their employer. The day of the drawing at last came. I went to the office to get

my deed, for I never doubted a single instant that I had drawn the big prize. I entered the office and told the clerk that I would take the documents. What documents? said he. Why, my deed of the magnificent country mansion and farm in New Jersey, with three hundred acres of land, and a house with all the modern improvements. Gentlemen, I have been in the course of my life kicked by a horse, knocked into a cocked hat by

a threshing-machine, and had my hair singed off by chain-lightning, but neither one of these occurrences so astounded me as did that red-haired clerk when he informed me that my ticket had drawn a gold pen with a silver holder and a place in the top to put pencil leads in. Gentlemen, I was not furious. I was perfectly cool. But when I jumped over that counter and laid hands on that red-haired clerk, I will admit that it was my calmly settled intention

to eat that red-haired clerk for luncheon, notwithstanding his cock-eye. A hasty glance at the mud on his boots, and the metal buttons on his coattails, caused me to alter my original amiable intention, and I made up my mind to be gentle with him, and merely whip him so his mother wouldn't be able to tell him from a little neck clam on a large scale, and then leave him to live through it if he could. I struck him once, and he laid down on a counter among some bottles

with his head in the glass-meter, and in one minute from that time he was one universal damage. The proprietor being done for, I proceeded to demolish the establishment. I didn't leave of the chairs, tables, and desks a piece big enough to make a birdcage, and having turned on all the gas, I was seriously debating whether I should not set the whole shop on fire, and sue for the insurance, when the two Irishmen whom I had engaged to work my farm made their appearance.

I told them to clear out, to budge move on, leave, but they evidently took me for a swindler, and were going to pay me off. They pitched in to me. Our amiable struggle to put each other's eyes out attracted a crowd. The must became general. Everybody went in, and before the policeman came there was a considerable music. Nobody was bashful, and the result was four interesting cases of black eye, a pathetic instance of demolished nose, two lovely examples of swelled

head, an agreeable specimen of peeled shin, seven illustrations of the beautifying power of fingernails, when forcibly applied to the physiognomy, and three convincing exemplifications of the power of the Irish fist in extracting opposing teeth, without the aid of forceps or turnkey. The police came at last, and arrested the entire multitude. That night we slept in the station-house. I don't want to say anything against the bunks in that station-house,

but this i do say that if there ever is a bed-bug convention and that station-house is not well represented it won't be because any lack of population deprives them of the right to a strong delegation and if at any national mass-meeting of fleas they stand in need of ten or fifteen thousand to make up a quorum the station-house of that ward can supply them without any perceptible decrease of its entomological census in the morning we were conducted before the justice but as there were about forty cases to be heard before mine i had ample leisure to look about and take a realizing sense of the beauties of my situation the case of myself and the others was at length reached the officers swore to the must as if the numerous broken heads were not sufficient evidence that there had been a difference of opinion one of the irishmen became a volunteer liar in his own behalf but the justice recognized him as an old customer often brought up for drunkenness and knowing him to be a reliable liar he placed his evidence all to my credit

and discharged me without even a fine but with the assurance that if i came there again he would send me up not wanting to make any such equivocal ascension as a matter of experiment i have kept away from him and cut up all my subsequent monkey-shines in another ward which is out of his jurisdiction after mr dropper closed there was a brief silence in which each member quietly smoked his pipe apparently reflecting upon the morals of lotteries at last wagstaff inquired who won the farm i forgot that resumed dropper i learned from an advertisement which appeared in the daily journals that ticket number six two eight one drew the farm this number you will observe corresponds with the one i supposed would be the lucky one except that in mine a knot was annexed to the four figures making it six to eight one zero instead of six to eight one my mistake grew out of a misinterpretation of my dream in respect to the bob-tailed cat i having assumed that the diminutive nether extremity in this instance was equivalent to a knot expressed whereas if i had let it remain a knot understood and had acted accordingly i should have been the lucky man

not so lucky as you imagine remarked quackenbush for the facts of the matter i am somewhat familiar with a country fiddler living up in connecticut held the ticket which entitled the holder to the real estate foresaid he saw the advertisement and i being the only acquaintance he had in the city he wrote to me to secure the deeds as he couldn't raise the money to come down i called at the office of the managers of the enterprise and presented the ticket they said it was all right congratulated me on the luck of my friend and told me to call a week from that time and they would be prepared to execute the deed this i thought was very fair and i left the office on the appointed day i called and found the office closed as the managers had sloped the conversation then turned upon police courts and the facilities which they afforded in aiding a person to get glimpses of the elephant it was conceded that the experience of dropper just related opened very fair and on the suggestion of mr quackenbush it was resolved one that the members of the club do make it their business two to visit the police courts three before the next meeting of the club the meeting was adjourned by the club singing we're all jolly good fellows

End of chapter nine, read by Don W. Jenkins. Rancho San Diego, California.