menu_book Chapter 28

Section 28 of Humorous Readings and Recitations. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Lynda Marie Nielsen, Vancouver, B.C. Humorous Readings and Recitations. Edited by Leopold Wagner. Section 28 My Friend Treacle by Watkin Elliott

So Charlie is going to marry the most charming girl in the world. I ejaculated after a hearty laugh over the following epistle from my old friend. Dear Bob, I am going to do for myself in earnest, no humbug this time, for better or for worse and if it turns out the latter it will be a scrape no one can get me out of of course you understand i am about to marry and i need not add she is the most charming girl

in the world fair sky blue eyes silkworm i mean spun silk hair lovely in fact come and be my best man. Do, old fellow, you have backed me up lots of times before, and although we have lost sight of one another since we were boys together, that goes for nothing between us. Does it? Write by return and say you will support me. I have a dread that I shall marry the wrong girl, or allow someone else to marry Lucy, that's her name, or do something unlucky, unless you look

after me. Yours as ever, Charlie Boston. P.S. It comes off in a fortnight. It, well, that is vague enough, but I suppose he means the happy event. Ye gods and little fishes, to call a marriage it, But that is like Boston. And sure to do something unlucky, are you? Well, I guess you are not the treacle of old, unless you get into some quandary over it, I muttered. And then I threw myself back in my chair and laughed again as some of our ventures, when we were at Dr. Omega School,

I mean college, presented themselves to my mind. Glorious times those, looking back upon them now, although we did not value them in our careless youth at their full worth. Treckel's, i.e. Boston's, daring always led him to some adventure, and I always backed him up, in a feeble way perhaps, and we always got found out somehow and got our desserts in a manner more satisfactory to lovers of justice than ourselves. Stunning times! The very fact of our being punished for the same crime

and at the same time was a bond of union between Treacle and myself. One touch of sympathy or one touch of the rod made us kin in a manner very peculiar. A fellow feeling made us wondrous, kind, and sympathetic. You talk of little dinners and little suppers in these days, and seem them epicurean feasts. But be really hungry, hungry as a schoolboy, and enjoy a little supper off kippered herring on the sly. That is a feast, if you like. Such

feast as these we enjoyed at mother kemp's down the village when the doctor tutors and monitors imagined us safely tucked in our little beds looking upon mother kemp in those days i thought her a good fairy disguised as a witch looking back upon her with manhood's enlightened judgment I think she was an unprincipled old woman who traded on our weaknesses. I confess myself to have been a hungry boy.

Boston, with a penance which did him credit, used to confess the same. We both had a propensity to come through our trouser legs and sleeve jackets, and what was worse could not help ourselves doing so. Boston was of an ingenious turn of mind, and it was he who suggested that those boys, who could afford to be hungry with any satisfaction to themselves, should club together for a supper

at Mother Kemp's once a week, and it was through one of those suppers, or the search for one, that he got his sweet sobriquet of treacle. He having made the suggestion, we elected him chief of our expeditions, and thus to a certain extent he held the fate of our appetites in his hands. One night we had escaped, as usual, by means of a rope ladder made by Boston, from the window of the room of which I was senior boy to Mother Kemp's in the village.

Mother Kemp kept a general shop. That is to say, she retailed tallow, treacle, rope, bacon, herrings, soap, cotton, tops, balls, butter, sweets, and so forth. And she not only, as a rule, sold us a supper out of her heterogeneous store, but cooked it, if needs were, and served it for us in her back parlour, that is, if we could pay

ready cash down. This night, of which I speak, we could not. We had appealed to Madame Kemp's motherly heart, for trust in vain, and we were returning home in a state of double the hunger, to that in which we had started, on account of our hopes being unfulfilled. When Charlie Boston made a remark in a melancholy tone, it was, I wonder if the pantry window is open. We eyed him askance and in silence, and if, with a frown of determination on his brow, there is anything

inside? Then we knew we were in for something, be it to eat or feel, and followed him half in hope, half in fear. The window was open. Looking upon that casement from my point of view now, I decided it was an architectural folly, being no more than seven feet from the ground and innocent of bars or protection of any kind, and moreover, large enough for any one of moderate size to creep through. From our point of view, then, we thought it a very jolly contrivance.

Hurrah! shouted Boston, Sato Vos. In fact, very much, Sato Vos, we will indeed sup at the doctor's expense tonight. Bless him, eh boys? Either to the supper or blessing we assented joyfully, but when our chief asked who was for reconnoitering, the question was received in silence. Suppose it is mist in the morning. I mean what we eat, suggested someone timidly. Cats, said settled Boston with litonic contempt. But cats don't eat cheese and, bah, cats eat anything

from mice to stewed eels feet. Who will follow if I leave? Couldn't you get in and hand something out? asked another coolly. Wish you may get it. Travers, you will follow, will you not? Yes, I replied with a little inward shudder. Lead on, Macduff, and, and what you may call it, be him that first cries, Hold enough. Old enough for what? queried the wit of the party. Look here, Jenkins, don't you be a fool. This is not the time for vile puns, or Shakespeare either,

with a frown at me. It will take a jolly long time for us to all get in one after the other, I ruminated upon this snub, and a jollier long time to get out if we want to in a hurry, suggested the timid one. That is true, agreed the chief. We will toss up. An odd man goes in and hands out, eh? Faint applause. But the idea was not carried out, because, upon reflection, we remembered Mother Kemp had our last coin. Never mind, cried Boston, in as happy dare all

way. I'll do it. Lend me a back, somebody, and keep a sharp look out, mind? We lent him a back with electricity, it being a cheap and easy loan, and he drew himself up. I see a pie, he cried, and the words revived us, supposing it's a steak. We supposed and felt more hungry than ever. Then we watched him with increased interest, as he squeezed his body through the casement, paused a moment to recover breath,

descended gradually and carefully, and— Heavens, what was that? There was a scuffle and a gasp. Was it the doctor? I think at this juncture my knees began to tremble,

so I cannot describe what the other sounds in the pantry were, at least not with any accuracy. I say, began someone of our party, he was always doing that, saying, I say, and stopping short. A nasty habit, you know, for when one's nerves are unstrung, it makes you

anxious not to stay alarmed. Old Omega, whispered another in an odd tone, can't be, there's no talking. No, because he's such an awful old fox. He thinks he'll catch us all, eh? The A was to one who thought he had better go and see if the ladder was there all right. It ended in there all going for the same commendable purpose, and leaving me behind to look after Boston. I was very much inclined to follow them, I confess, but I liked my friend too much to leave him, so having a regard

for my own personal safety, I got behind a laurel and waited. Silence there and nothing more. Could it be the doctor? Could the doctor keep his anger so long bottled up? Even to catch the rest of us without bursting? I thought not. He would have had a fit by this time. In those days, I remember revolving in my mind the advantage I would gain if Dr. Omega did have a fit and died. It was very horrible of me, of course, but then I was a boy, and as I looked at the doctor's

purple visage, was it colored by the liquid, etc.? I decided that if he were removed, no matter how, I might have a jolly holiday until another authority was placed over me, or I placed under another authority. Oh, it was wicked of me, I know, terribly wicked, but true. May revenal a Boston. If it was not the doctor in there with him, it may be the cook. I revolved behind the bushes the cook ought to be in bed by this time so ought i i was not that was a certainty perhaps the cook was not if not why it was very wrong of her not to be i concluded virtuously

the moments passed and still no sound from the pantry of voices had charlie fallen down in a fit instead of the doctor i crept from my hiding-places and essayed a faint whistle recognizing us all as a call no answer boston i ejaculated feeling sure now that the doctor could not possibly be there then as i watched the casement as anxiously as any lover could that of his mistress i saw something appear at it by the light of the moon it looked black and shiny if the shock had not deprived me of motion i should have fled i could not flee so i stood bravely to my post and shook like jelly what was it i felt like hamlet when he saw the ghost of his father but i did not apostrophize it i knew better at least i had not sufficient choice shakespearean language at my tongue's end to do so becomingly travers angels and ministers my name in boston's voice in a moment the roaring in my ears ceased and my muscles gained strength is that you charlie i asked sensibly enough phew

why why hang it boston what's up eh up all over me choking me treacle gasped my friend creeping through the windows with difficulty as he spoke and losing his balance as he reached the ground he fell against me stuck to me disengaged himself and finally stood upright treacle i ejaculated with a roar which even though the doctor might have heard i could not suppress as charlie began clearing out his eyes and mouth with his already sticky fists yes treacle crossly you needn't laugh at that bob and make such a confounded fool of yourself he growled i stumbled somehow and fell face forward into a pan of it don't make such a row trevors as i continued my cachinnation and held my aching sides i might have been smothered for all you would have cared by jove smothered in treacle what a butt of malzmi would be a natural death in comparison the treacle we have for our puddings and with our brimstone i gasped at last

Yes, here the ludicrous aspect of affairs struck the martyr, and he joined me in my merriment. I didn't know where I was going until I was in it, he continued. Ugh, I shall hate treacle like poison for the rest of my life. Where are the other fellows? Sneaked away, thought Omega had caught you.

Cowards! At this moment a low whistle, a danger signal, from the boys just announced, caused us to hurry from the spot, and reaching the rope ladder, we were up it like cats, gaining our room just in time to find that, by the light shining under the door, someone was on the alert. Get under my bed, I whispered to Charlie, as his escape to his own room was cut off. In his hurry and confusion he got into it. I had no time to demur and jumped in after him,

just as the doctor, suspicious and austere, entered, candlestick in hand. Noise in number three, senior boy, report. I, senior boy, reported and replied by nasal demonstration, which I flattered myself was a very good imitation of a sound snore. Robert Travers, in a voice which might almost have awakened the dead. Sir, replied I, Robert, as sleepily as I could, somebody waking up this room and talking.

If brevity is the soul of wit, then old Ameka was the wittiest fellow I ever came across, although he never looked it. He always spoke sharply and to the point, and gave us our due in the same manner. Now as he jerked his sentence out, he approached nearer. Charlie, like a certain big bird, seemed to fancy that, because his own face was hidden and he could see no one. It followed that no one could see him, whereas half his head was exposed to view.

I sat up in bed, hurriedly giving my companion a vicious kick of caution, as I explained to the doctor that Little Simpson walked and talked in his sleep, at which Little Simpson, in a corner of the room, groaned audibly. Simpson, Junior, what do you mean by walking in your sleep, sir? Simpson groaned again, and the doctor, thinking he was snoring, continued,

He eats too much, must diet him. A dose of brimstone and treacle, I felt Boston jump, in the morning will do him good. Cooling. Remind me, Travers, by the way, sir, how come it you are awake? Please, sir, you woke me. Awaken me, sir, I stanward. him doubtfully whom have you in bed with you eh as boston rendered uncomfortable by a sticky face had moved with me sir i murmured vaguely yes sir with you come on out whoever it is roared omega without further parley but boston remained still as a mouse struck dumb with anger and astonishment that a boy should have the impudence to stop in when he ordered him to come out the doctor strode round to charlie's side

and lay hands on the miscreant to have him out by force but no sooner than he had felt the vicious state of our hero than he withdrew him perceptibly with the pious ejaculation good heavens what is the matter with him necetis non habit legum i being senior boy had to report i did so trembling and imitated the doctor in my brevity matter sir treacle sir treacle in a voice of concentrated thunder if you know what that is like his mother sent him a pot of treacle sir and he and he thought was potamum sir and and my imaginative powers fell before the lightning of the doctor's glance whose mother boston sir boston come out and boston after some little delay caused in having to detach himself from his surroundings came forth like a lamb i mean like a black sheep what the devvvv but i drew a curtain over the rest the doctor was profane and he hurt my feelings very much poor old treacle the name stuck to him ever after

well i went to his wedding and with the exception that at the critical part of the ceremony he dropped the ring which after we had all scrambled on our knees for was found in the bride's veil he went through the happiest day of his life without a mistake as for myself in searching for that ring i knocked my head against treacle's sister's and it upset me a thrill went through me which was most painfully pleasant at the breakfast-table i became sentimental in making my speech for the ladies i caught her treacle sister's eye she smiled and i lost the thread of my discourse it was a very slender thread and i never found it again until one day i was wandering round somebody's garden with my arm round treacle's sister's waist and but that doesn't matter she is a jolly little thing though treacle's sister is the