menu_book Chapter 3

part three of lincoln's yarns and stories by alexander k mcclure this librivox recording is in the public domain part three let six skunks go The president had decided to select a new war minister, and the leading Republican senators thought the occasion was opportune to change the whole seven cabinet ministers. They therefore earnestly advised him to make a clean sweep and select seven new men and to restore the waning confidence of the country. The president listened with patient courtesy, and when the senators had

concluded, he said with a characteristic gleam of humor in his eye, Gentlemen, your request for a change of the whole cabinet, because I have made one change, reminds me of a story I once heard in Illinois, of a farmer who was much troubled by skunks. His wife insisted on his trying to get rid of them. He loaded his shotgun one moonlit night and awaited developments. After some time, the wife heard the shotgun go off, and in a few minutes the farmer entered the house.

What luck have you? asked she. I hid myself behind a woodpile, said the old man, with the shotgun pointed towards the hen-roost, and before long there appeared not one skunk, but seven. I took aim, blazed away, killed one, and he raised such a fearful smell that I concluded it was best to let the other six go. The senators laughed and retired. How He Got Blackstone

The following story was told by Mr. Lincoln to Mr. A.J. Conant, the artist, who painted his portrait in Springfield in 1860. One day a man who was migrating to the West drove up in front of my store with a wagon which contained his family and household plunder. He asked me if I would buy an old barrel for which he had no room in his wagon, and which, he said, contained nothing of special value. I did not want it, but to oblige him I bought it and paid him, I think, half a

dollar for it. Without further examination I put it away in the store and forgot all about it. Sometime afterward, in overhauling things, I came upon the barrel, and emptying it upon the floor to see what it contained, I found at the bottom of the rubbish a complete edition of Blackstone's commentaries. I began to read those famous works, and I had plenty of time, for during the long summer days when the farmers were busy with their crops, my customers were few and far between.

The more I read, this he said with unusual emphasis, the more intensely interested I became. Never in my whole life was my mind so thoroughly absorbed. I read until I devoured them. A Job for the New Cabinet Maker This cartoon, labeled A Job for the New Cabinet Maker, was printed in Frank Leslie's illustrated newspaper on February 2, 1861, a month and two days before Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated

President of the United States. The Southern states had seceded from the Union. The Confederacy was established, with Jefferson Davis as its president. The Union had been split in two, and the task Lincoln had before him was to glue the two parts of the Republic together. In his famous speech, delivered a short time before his nomination for the presidency by the Republican National Convention at Chicago in 1860, Lincoln had said,

A house divided against itself cannot stand. This nation cannot exist, half slave and half free. After his inauguration as president, Mr. Lincoln went to work to glue the two pieces together, and after four years of bloody war, and at immense cost, the job was finished. The House of the Great American Republic was no longer divided. The severed sections, the North and the South, were cemented tightly, the slaves were freed, peace was firmly established,

and the Union of States was glued together so well that the nation is stronger now than ever before. Lincoln was just the man for that job, and the work he did will last for all time. The new cabinetmaker knew his business thoroughly and finished his task of gluing in a workmanlike manner. At the very moment of its completion, five days after the surrender of Lee to Grant at Appomattox, the martyr president fell at the hands of the assassin, J. Wilkes Booth.

I can stand if they can. United States Senator Benjamin Wade of Ohio, Henry Winter Davis of Maryland, and Wendell Phillips were strongly opposed to President Lincoln's re-election, and Wade and Davis issued a manifesto. Phillips made several warm speeches against Lincoln and his policy. When asked if he had read the manifesto or any of Phillips' speeches, the President replied,

I have not seen them, nor do I care to see them. I have seen enough to satisfy me that I am a failure, not only in the opinion of the people in rebellion, but of many distinguished politicians of my own party. But time will show whether I am right or they are right, and I am content to abide its decision. I have enough to look after, without giving much of my time, to the consideration of the subject of who shall be my successor in office. The position is not an easy

one, and the occupant, whoever he may be, for the next four years will have little leisure to pluck a thorn or plant a rose in his own pathway. It was urged that this opposition must be embarrassing to his administration, as well as damaging to the party. He replied, Yes, that is true, but our friends, Wade, Davis, Phillips, and others, are hard to please. I am not capable of doing so. I cannot please them without wantonly violating not only my oath, but the most vital principles

upon which our government was founded. As to those who, like Wade and the rest, see fit to depreciate my policy and cavil at my official acts, I shall not complain of them. I accord them the utmost freedom of speech and liberty of the press, but shall not change the policy I have adopted in the full belief that I am right. I feel on this subject as an old Illinois farmer once expressed himself while eating cheese. He was interrupted in the midst of his repast by the

entrance of his son, who exclaimed, Hold on, Dad, there's skippers in that cheese you're eating. Never mind, Tom, said he, as he kept on munching his cheese. If they can stand it, I can. Lincoln mistaken for once President Lincoln was compelled to acknowledge that he made at least one mistake in sizing up men.

One day a very dignified man called at the White House, and Lincoln's heart fell when his visitor approached. The latter was portly, his face was full of apparent anxiety, and Lincoln was willing to wager a year's salary that he represented some society for the easy and speedy repression of rebellions. The caller talked fluently, but at no time did he give advice or

suggest a way to put down the Confederacy. He was full of humor, told a clever story or two, and was entirely self-possessed. At length the president inquired, "'You are a clergyman, are you not, sir?' "'Not by a jugful,' returned the stranger heartily. Grasping him by the hand, Lincoln shook it until the visitor squirmed.

"'You must lunch with us. I am glad to see you. I was afraid you were a preacher.' "'I went to the Chicago Convention,' the caller said, as a friend of Mr. Seward. "'I have watched you narrowly ever since your inauguration, and I called merely to pay my respects. What I want to say is this, I think you are doing everything for the good of the country that is in the power of man to do. You are on the right

track. As one of your constituents, I now say to you, do in future as you damned please, and I will support you. This was spoken with tremendous effect. Why, said Mr. Lincoln, in great astonishment, I took you to be a preacher. I thought you'd come here to tell me how to take Richmond, and he again grasped the hand of his strange visitor. Accurate and penetrating as Mr. Lincoln's judgment was concerning men, for once he had been wholly

mistaken. The scene was comical in the extreme. The two men stood gazing at each other. A smile broke from the lips of the solemn wag and rippled over the white expanse of his only face, like sunlight over spreading a continent, and Mr. Lincoln was convulsed with laughter. He stayed to lunch. Forgot everything he knew

President Lincoln, while entertaining a few friends, is said to have related the following anecdote of a man who knew too much. During the administration of President Jackson, there was a singular young gentleman employed in the public post office in Washington. His name was Gee. He was from Tennessee, the son of a widow, a neighbor of the President, on which account the old hero had a kind feeling for him, and always got him out of difficulties

with some of the higher officials to whom his singular interference was distasteful. Among other things, it is said of him that while employed in the General Post Office, on one occasion he had to copy a letter to Major H, a high official, in answer to an application made by an old gentleman in Virginia or Pennsylvania for the establishment of a new post office. The writer of the letter said the application could not be granted in consequence

of the applicant's proximity to another office. When the letter came into G's hand to copy, being a great stickler for plainness, he altered proximity to nearness to. Major H. observed it and asked G. why he altered his letter. Why, replied G., because I don't think the man would understand what you meant by proximity. Well, said Major H., try him. Put in the proximity again.

In a few days a letter was received from the applicant, in which he very indignantly said that his father had fought for liberty in the second war for independence, and he should like to have the name of the scoundrel who brought the charge of proximity, or if anything else, wrong against him. There, said Gee, did I not say so? Gee carried his improvement so far that Mr. Berry, the postmaster general, said to him, I don't want you any longer, you know too much.

Poor G went out, but his old friend got him another place. This time G's ideas underwent a change. He was one day very busy writing when a stranger called in and asked him where the patent office was. I don't know, said G. Can you tell me where the Treasury Department is, said the stranger.

No, said G. Nor the President's house? No. The stranger finally asked him if he knew where the Capitol was. No, replied G.

do you live in washington sir yes sir said g good lord and don't you know where the patent office treasury president's house and capital are stranger said g i was turned out of the post office for knowing too much i don't mean to offend in that way again i am paid for keeping this book i believe i know that much but if you find me knowing anything more you may take my head good morning said the stranger He loved a good story. Judge Brees of the Supreme Bench, one of the most distinguished of American jurists and a man of great personal dignity, was about to open court at Springfield when Lincoln called out in his hearty way, Hold on, Brees, don't open court yet. Here's Bob Blackwell just

going to tell a story. The judge passed on without replying, evidently regarding it as beneath the dignity of the Supreme Court to delay proceedings for the sake of a story. Heels ran away with them. In an argument against the opposite political party at one time during a campaign, Lincoln said, my opponent uses a figurative expression to the effect that the Democrats are vulnerable in the heel, but they are sound in the heart and head. The first branch of the figure, that is the Democrats,

are vulnerable in the heel i admit is not merely figuratively but literally true who that looks but for a moment at their hundreds of officials scampering away with the public money to texas to europe and to every spot of the earth where a villain may hope to find refuge from justice can at all doubt that they are most distressingly affected in their heels with a species of running itch. It seems that this malady of their heels operates on the sound-headed and honest-hearted creatures very much as the cork leg in the comic song did on its owner, which when he once got started on it, the more he tried to stop it, the more it would run away.

At the hazard of wearing this point threadbare, I will relate an anecdote the situation calls to my mind, which seems to be too strikingly in point to be omitted. A witty Irish soldier, who was always boasting of his bravery when no danger was near, but who invariably retreated without orders at the first charge of the engagement, being asked by his captain why he did so, replied, Captain, I have as brave a heart as Julius Caesar ever had, but somehow or other, whenever danger approaches, my cowardly legs will run away with it.

So with the opposite party. They take the public money into their hands for the most laudable purpose that wise heads and honest hearts can dictate, but before they can possibly get it out again, their rascally vulnerable heels will run away with them. Wanted to burn him down to the stump. Preston King once introduced A.J. Bleeker to the president, and the latter, being an applicant for office was about to hand Mr. Lincoln his vouchers when he was asked to read them.

Bleeker had not read very far when the president disconcerted him by the exclamation, Stop a minute! You remind me exactly of the man who killed the dog. In fact, you are just like him. In what respect? asked Bleeker, not feeling he had received a compliment. Well, replied the President, this man had made up his mind to kill his dog, an ugly brute, and proceeded to knock out his brains with a club. He continued striking the dog after the latter was

dead, until a friend protested, exclaiming, You needn't strike him anymore. The dog is dead. You killed him at the first blow. Oh, yes, said he, I know that, but I believe in punishment after death. So I see you do. Bleeker acknowledged it was possible to overdo a good thing, and then came back at the president with an anecdote of a good priest who converted an Indian from heathenism to Christianity. The only difficulty he had with him was to get him to pray for his

enemies. This Indian had been taught to overcome and destroy all his friends he didn't like, said bleaker but the priest told him that while that might be the indian method it was not the doctrine of christianity or the bible saint paul distinctly says the priest told him if thine enemy hunger feed him if he thirst give him drink the indian shook his head at this but when the priest added for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head poor lo was overcome with

emotion, fell on his knees, and with outstretched hands and uplifted eyes, invoked all sorts of blessings on the heads of all his enemies, supplicating for pleasant hunting grounds, a large supply of squaws, lots of pappooses, and all other Indian comforts. Finally, the good priest interrupted him, as you did me, Mr. President, exclaiming, Stop, my son, you have discharged your Christian duty and have done more than enough. Oh, no, father, replied the Indian,

let me pray. I want to burn him down to the stump. Had a kick coming. During the war, one of the northern governors, who was able, earnest, and untiring in aiding the administration, but always complaining, sent dispatch after dispatch to the war office, protesting against the methods used in raising troops. After reading all his papers, the President said, in a cheerful and reassuring tone, to the Adjutant General, Never mind, never mind, those dispatches don't

mean anything, just go right ahead. The Governor is like a boy I once saw at a launching. When everything was ready, they picked out a boy and sent him under the ship to knock away the trigger and let her go. At the critical moment everything depended on the boy. He had to do the job well by a direct vigorous blow, and then lie flat and keep still while the boat slid over him. The boy did everything right, but he yelled as if he were being murdered from the time he got under the keel

until he got out. I thought the hide was all scraped off his back, but he wasn't hurt at all. The master of the yard told me that this boy was always chosen for that job, that he did his work well, that he never had been hurt, but that he always squealed in that way. That's just the way with Governor. Make up your mind that he is not hurt and that he is doing the work right, and pay no attention to his squealing. He only wants to make you understand how hard his task is, and that

he is on hand performing it the case of betsey ann doherty many requests and petitions made to mr lincoln when he was president were ludicrous and trifling but he always entered into them with that humor-loving spirit that was such a relief from the grave duties of his great office once a party of southerners called on him in behalf of one betsey ann doherty the spokesman who was an ex-governor said, Mr. President, Betsy Ann Doherty is a good woman. She lived in my county and did my washing

for a long time. Her husband went off and joined the rebel army, and I wish you would give her a protectin' paper. The solemnity of this appeal struck Mr. Lincoln as uncommonly ridiculous. The two men looked at each other, the governor desperately earnest, and the president masking his humor behind the gravest exterior. At last Mr. Lincoln asked with inimitable gravity, was Betsy Ann a good washerwoman? Oh, yes, sir, she was indeed. Was your Betsy Ann an obliging

woman? Yes, she was certainly very kind, responded the governor soberly. Could she do other things than wash, continued Mr. Lincoln, with the same portentous gravity? Oh, yes, she was very kind, very. Where is Betsy Ann? She is now in New York and wants to come back to Missouri, but she is afraid of banishment. Is anyone meddling with her? No, but she is afraid to come back unless she will give her a protection paper. Thereupon Mr. Lincoln wrote on a visiting

card the following, Let Betsy Ann Doherty alone as long as she behaves herself. A. Lincoln. He handed this card to her advocate, saying, Give this to Betsy Ann. But, Mr. President, couldn't you write a few words to the officers that would ensure her protection?

No, said Mr. Lincoln. Officers have no time now to read letters. Tell Betsy Ann to put a string in this card and hang it around her neck. When the officers see this, they will keep their hands off your Betsy Ann. Had to wear a wooden sword.

Captain Abe Lincoln and his company in the Black Hawk War were without any sort of military knowledge, and both were forced to acquire such knowledge by attempts at drilling, which was the more awkward the squad or the commander it would have been difficult to decide. In one of Lincoln's earliest military problems was involved the process of getting his company endwise through a gate. Finally, he shouted, this company is dismissed for two minutes, when it will fall

in again on the other side of the gate. Lincoln was one of the first of his company to be arraigned for unmilitary conduct. Contrary to the rules, he fired a gun within the limits, and had his sword taken from him. The next infringement of rules was by some of the men, who stole a quantity of liquor, drank it, and became unfit for duty, straggling out of the ranks the next day, and not getting together again until late at night. For allowing this

lawlessness, the captain was condemned to wear a wooden sword for two days. These were merely interesting but trivial incidents of the campaign. Lincoln was from the very first popular with his men, although one of them told him to go to the devil. Abe Stirring the Black Coals Under the caption, The American Difficulty, Punch printed on May 11, 1861, the cartoon reproduced here. The following text was placed beneath the illustration, President Abe. What a

nice White House this would be if it were not for the blacks. It was the idea in England, and in fact, in all the countries on the European continent, that the War of the Rebellion was fought to secure the freedom of the Negro slaves. Such was not the case. The freedom of the slaves was one of the necessary consequences of the Civil War, but not the cause of that bloody four years' conflict. The war was the result of the secession of the states of the South

from the Union, and President Abe's main aim was to compel the seceding states to resume their places in the Federal Union of States. The blacks did not bother President Abe in the least, as he knew he would be enabled to give them their freedom when the proper time came. He had the project of freeing them in his mind, long before he issued his Emancipation Proclamation, the delay in promulgating that document being due to the fact that he did not wish to estrange the hundreds

of thousands of patriots of the border states who were fighting for the preservation of the Union and not for the freedom of the Negro slaves. President Abe had patience, and everything came out all right in the end. Getting Rid of an Elephant Charles A. Dana, who was Assistant Secretary of War under Mr. Stanton, relates the following. A certain Thompson had been giving the government considerable trouble.

Dana received information that Thompson was about to escape to Liverpool. Calling upon Stanton, Dana was referred to Mr. Lincoln. The President was at the White House. Business hours were over. Lincoln was washing his hands.

Hello, Dana, said he as he opened the door. What is it now? Well, sir, I said, here is the Provost Marshal of Portland, who reports that Jacob Thompson is to be in town tonight and inquires what orders we have to give. What does Stanton say? he asked. Arrest him, I replied. Well, he continued, drawing his words,

I rather guess not. When you have an elephant on your hands and he wants to run away, better let him run. Grotesque, yet frightful. The nearest Lincoln ever came to a fight was when he was in the vicinity of the skirmish at Kellogg's Grove in the Black Hawk War. The rangers arrived at the spot after the engagement and helped bury the five men who were killed. Lincoln told Noah Brooks, one of his biographers, that he remembered just how those men looked as we rode up the little hill

where their camp was. The red light of the morning sun was streaming upon them as they lay, heads toward us on the ground, and every man had a round red spot at the top of his head, about as big as a dollar, where the redskins had taken his scalp. It was frightful, but it was grotesque, and the red sunlight seemed to paint everything all over. Lincoln paused, as if recalling the vivid picture, and added, somewhat irrelevantly, I remember that one man had on

buckskin britches. Abe was no dude. Always indifferent in matters of dress, Lincoln cut but small figure in social circles, even in the earliest days of Illinois. His trousers were too short, his hat too small, and as a rule the buttons on the back of his coat were nearer his shoulder blades than his waist. No man was richer than his fellows, and there was no aristocracy. The women wore Lindsay Woolsey of home manufacture, and dyed them in accordance with the tastes of the wearers.

Calico was rarely seen, and a woman wearing a dress of that material was the envy of her sisters. There being no shoemakers, the women wore moccasins, and the men made their own boots. A hunting shirt, leggings made of skins, buckskin breeches, dyed green, constituted an apparel no maiden could withstand. Characteristic of Lincoln One man who knew Lincoln at New Salem says the first time he saw him he was lying on a trundle bed,

covered with books and papers, and rocking a cradle with his foot. The whole scene was entirely characteristic. Lincoln reading and studying and at the same time helping his landlady by quieting her child. A gentleman who knew Mr. Lincoln well in early manhood says, Lincoln at this period had nothing but plenty of friends.

After the customary handshaking on one occasion in the White House at Washington, several gentlemen came forward and asked the president for his autograph. One of them gave his name as Kruk-Chank. That reminds me, said Mr. Lincoln, of what I used to be called when a young man, Longshank, plow all around him.

Governor Blank went to the War Department one day in a towering rage. I suppose you found it necessary to make large concessions to him as he returned from you perfectly satisfied, suggested a friend. Oh, no, the President replied, I did not concede anything. you have heard how that Illinois farmer got rid of a big log that was too big to haul out,

too knotty to split, and too wet and soggy to burn. Well now, said he, in response to the inquiries of his neighbors one Sunday, as to how he got rid of it, well now, boys, if you won't divulge the secret, I'll tell you how I got rid of it. I plowed around it. Now, remarked Lincoln, in conclusion, don't tell anybody,

but that's the way I got rid of Governor Blank. i ploughed all around him but it took me three mortal hours to do it and i was afraid every minute he'd see what i was at