Chapter 11
section eleven of literary lapses by stephen leacock this libri box recording is in the public domain a new pathology it has been vaguely understood that the condition of a man's clothes has a certain effect upon the health of both body and mind the well-known proverb clothes make the man has its origin in a general recognition of the powerful influence of the habiliments in their reaction upon the wearer the same truth may be observed in the facts of every-day life on the one hand we remark about the bold carriage and mental vigour of a man attired in a new suit of clothes on the other hand we note the melancholy features of him who is conscious of a posterior patch or the haunted face of one suffering from internal loss of buttons but while common observation thus gives us a certain familiarity with a few leading facts regarding the ailments and influence of clothes no attempt has yet been made to reduce our knowledge to a systematic form at the same time the writer feels that a valuable addition might be made to the science of medicine in this direction the numerous diseases which are caused by this fatal influence should receive a scientific analysis and their treatment be included among the principles of the healing art
the diseases of the clothes may roughly be divided into medical cases and surgical cases while these again fall into classes according to the particular garment through which the sufferer is attacked medical cases probably no article of apparel is so liable to a diseased condition as the trousers it may be well therefore to treat first those maladies to which they are subject one contractio pantalune or shortening of the legs of the trousers an extremely painful malady most frequently found in the growing youth the first symptom is the appearance of a yawning space above the boots accompanied by an acute sense of humiliation and a morbid anticipation of mockery the application of treacle to the boots although commonly recommended may rightly be condemned as too drastic a remedy the use of boots reaching to the knee to be removed only at night will afford immediate relief in connection with contractio is often found two in flatio genu or bagging of the knees of the trousers a disease whose symptoms are similar to those above
the patient shows an aversion to the standing posture and in acute cases if the patient be compelled to stand the head is bent and the eye fixed with painful rigidity upon the projecting blade formed at the knee of the trousers in both of the above diseases anything that can be done to free the mind of the patient from a morbid sense of his infirmity will do much to improve the general tone of the system three oases or patches are liable to break out anywhere on the trousers and range in degree of gravity from those of a trifling nature to those of a fatal character the most distressing cases are those where a patch assumes a different colour from that of the trousers dismalitas coloris in this instance the mind of the patient is found to be in a sadly aberrated condition a speedy improvement may however be effected by cheerful society books flowers and above all by a complete change for the overcoat is attacked by no serious disorders except phosphorescentia or glistening a malady which indeed may often be observed to affect the whole system it is caused by decay of tissue from old age and is generally aggravated by repeated brushing
a peculiar feature of the complaint is the lack of veracity on the part of the patient in reference to the cause of his uneasiness another invariable symptom is his aversion to outdoor exercise under various pretexts which it is the duty of his medical adviser firmly to combat he will avoid even a gentle walk in the streets v of the waistcoat science recognizes but one disease porrigea an affliction caused by repeated spilling of porridge it is generally harmless chiefly owing to the mental indifference of the patient it can be successfully treated by repeated fomentations of benzene six mortificatio tilis or greenness of the hat is a disease often found in connection with phosphorescentia mentioned above and characterised by the same aversion to outdoor life seven sterile or loss of fur is another disease of the hat especially prevalent in winter it is not accurately known whether this is caused by a falling out of the fur or by a cessation of growth
in all diseases of the hat the mind of the patient is greatly depressed and his countenance stamped with the deepest gloom he is particularly sensitive in regard to questions as to the previous history of the hat want of space precludes the mention of minor diseases such as eight a secorum or oddness of the socks a thing in itself trifling but of an alarming nature if met in combination with contractio pantalune cases are found where the patient possibly on the public platform or at a social gathering is seized with a consciousness of the malady so suddenly as to render medical assistance futile surgical cases it is impossible to mention more than a few of the most typical cases of diseases of this sort one or loss of buttons is the commonest malady demanding surgical treatment it consists of a succession of minor fractures possibly internal which at first excite no alarm a vague sense of uneasiness is presently felt which often leads the patient to seek relief in the string habit a habit which if unduly indulged in
may assume the proportions of a ruling passion the use of sealing-wax while admirable as a temporary remedy for explosio should never be allowed to gain a permanent hold upon the system there is no doubt that a persistent indulgence in the string habit or the constant use of sealing-wax will result in two fracture a suspenderum or snapping of the braces which amounts to a general collapse of the system the patient is usually seized with a severe attack of explosio followed by a sudden sinking feeling and sense of loss a sound constitution may rally from the shock but a system undermined by the string habit invariably succumbs three se or ripping of the trousers is generally caused by sitting upon warm beeswax or leaning against a hook in the case of the very young it is not unfrequently accompanied by a distressing suppuration of the shirt this however is not remarked in adults
the malady is rather mental than bodily the mind of the patient being wracked by a keen sense of indignity and a feeling of unworthiness the only treatment is immediate isolation with a careful stitching of the affected part in conclusion it may be stated that at the first symptom of disease the patient should not hesitate to put himself in the hands of a professional tailor in so brief a compass as the present article the discussion has of necessity been rather suggestive than exhaustive much yet remains to be done and the subject opens wide to the inquiring eye the writer will however feel amply satisfied if this brief outline may help to direct the attention of medical men to what is yet an unexplored field the
