menu_book Chapter 25

CHAPTER XXV. MYSTERIES OF THE ENDOWMENT HOUSE. FEARFUL OATHS AND SECRET CEREMONIES. Not many weeks after our arrival in Salt Lake City, my husband told me that we might now enjoy the privilege of going through the Endowment House.

This was intended as a great favor to us on the part of the authorities, for most people have to wait a long while before receiving their endowments. But my husband's influence and position in the church was, I presume, the reason why we were admitted so soon. Now I had heard so much of the endowments and the Endowment House that I quite dreaded

to pass through this ordeal. The idea of the whole ceremony was that thereby we should receive the special grace of God, be united, man and woman, making one perfect creature, receive our inheritance as children of God, and in fact be made partakers of the plentitude of every blessing. All this sounds very well as a statement, but it is only the statement which would be

made from the ideal Mormon standpoint. I had heard other things about the endowments which did not present such a favorable impression, and although I do not wish to record all the absurd stories which were and are current among the Gentiles, I think it only right that I should state what my own views were before we received our privileges.

Joseph Smith the prophet and very many of his early associates belonged to the ancient and honorable order of Freemasons. When he was initiated into the mysteries of that society and what position he attained therein, I do not know. But one thing is certain that when he, under the influence of his own peculiar religious

fanaticism, endeavored to engraft upon Freemasonry some of the leading ideas of the new religion, he and those connected with him were publicly disavowed by the lodges in the West. I cannot without some trouble here give any documentary evidence, but I may be permitted perhaps to state that I have myself seen newspapers of that period, and the West then was a very primitive country which contained formal official declarations duly signed by respectable

persons stating that Joseph Smith and others were no longer to be considered in fellowship with any of the Western lodges. The idea of a bond of brotherhood, secret and indissoluble, seems ever to have been present in Joseph's mind. Whether the germ of this idea was derived from Masonry or not is of little moment.

Gentlemen who certainly ought to know have assured me that such a notion was altogether ridiculous, but of that as a lady I am, of course, not competent to judge. It is, however, quite clear that the clannish or fraternal spirit among the Mormons has always preeminently distinguished them, and is just as noticeable at the present day as it was in Joseph's time.

It has always been commonly reported, and to a great extent believed, that the mysteries of the Endowment House were only a sort of imitation, burlesque it might be, of the rites of Masonry. But I need hardly say that this statement, when examined by the light of facts, is altogether ungrounded and absurd, as the reader will presently perceive.

Still, the notion that some deeply mysterious ceremony was celebrated by the initiated has always possessed a charm to the Gentile as well as Mormon minds, and the most extravagant statements have been made in reference to the Endowment House. In fact, to such an extent has this been the case that most, if not all, of the saints who have passed through the House have looked forward to the period of their initiation

as a most impressive and painful ordeal, and the influence of this feeling I myself fully realized. I knew well that no marriage was considered binding unless it had been celebrated in that place. I knew that the saints, however long they might have been wedded, were under the necessity

of being reunited there, before they could be considered lawfully married and their children legitimate. According to the highest Mormon authority, no marriage is valid unless the ceremony is performed in the temple. The temple is not yet built and, as Joseph the prophet said, no fellow can be damned

for doing the best he knows how. The saints, meanwhile, do the next best thing and are married in the Endowment House. I knew that there and then the faithful were said to be endowed with their heavenly inheritance. I saw how absolutely needful it was that my husband and myself should become partakers of those mysteries.

That I was influenced by the strange stories which I had heard of unhallowed and shameful doings in that same Endowment House, and consequently I feared to enter in. My fears were not, however, altogether groundless or visionary. It has been whispered, falsely perhaps, that in the Endowment House scenes have been enacted so fearful that words would falter on the lips of those who told the tale concerning

them. I have heard of such things from men of integrity and honor, but they were not eyewitnesses of what they related and they could not, or would not, give me their authorities. One thing I am certain of, if such horrible deeds were ever perpetrated within those walls, there remains no living witness to testify of them.

The lips who alone could tell the whole truth are sealed in silence, which the trump of doom alone shall break. When I refer the reader to what I have already spoken of the blood atonement and of the Reformation, I think that that plain statement of facts renders it clear to any ordinary intelligence that if in the Endowment House no such deeds of darkness were ever perpetrated, it was

not because such things were contrary to the spirit of Mormonism as taught by Brigham Young and the Apostles, nor was it because such things had never been done with the full approbation of the leaders of the Church, but on account of some accidental reason into which it is needless to inquire. It was, of course, no fear of any personal violence or any painful disclosures in that

respect that made me reluctant to receive my endowments, for at that time I was by profession apparently a good Mormon. If I had my doubts and misgivings, I had them in common with nine-tenths of the Mormon women, and had therefore nothing to fear. The true cause of my reluctance was of a more delicate and personal nature.

I had been informed that if I refused to go, my husband could not go alone. He would be compelled to take another wife and go with her. This was not all. I found that it was quite common for the elders to take a second wife when they took their endowments, and thus, as they coarsely expressed it, kill two birds with one stone.

Moreover, I had heard of men who feared to introduce polygamy into their households, presenting to their wives while going through the house a young girl as their intended bride, feeling sure that the wife would not dare to make a scene before the assembly. How could I know that my husband also had not such an idea in his mind? True, I trusted him implicitly and did not believe it was possible that he could deceive me.

But had not men who were universally known for their integrity and honor acted in the same way to their wives? And so with so many evidences of the best and most honest natures being corrupted by the unrighteous teachings of their religion, could I be blamed for doubting him whom I loved best?

Wives out of Utah doubt their own husbands and very frequently have the best of reasons for doing so. But what woman, other than a Mormon, ever lived in constant dread that her husband, who she knew was devotedly attached to her, would do to her the cruelest wrong that man can inflict and woman can endure for the sake of his religion and in the holy Savior's name?

My mind was agitated by conflicting thoughts. Sometimes fear and apprehension, sometimes indignation and hatred would make me perfectly reckless. Then love to my husband and thoughts of our little ones calmed my troubled mind. And I was tranquil, until excited by some injury which I witnessed, when once more brooding

over the cruel wrongs which in God's name had been inflicted upon the women of Utah, my anger would revive again. There was also another reason why I particularly objected to passing through the endowment house. I had been told many strange and revolting stories about the ceremonies which were there

performed, for it is said that in the Nauvoo temple the most disgraceful things were done. About what was done at Nauvoo I can say nothing, as it was before my time, but still it is only fair to say that people who in every other relation in life I should have deemed most reliable and trustworthy were my informants respecting those strange stories. Of the endowments in Utah I can, of course, speak more positively as I myself passed through

them, and I wish to say most distinctly that although the initiation of the saints into the kingdom appears now to my mind as a piece of the most ridiculous absurdity, there was nevertheless nothing in it indecent or immoral, of which the reader himself shall presently be the judge. It is an invariable rule among the Mormons, as I have before intimated, for every man

or woman to mind his or her own business and nothing else. In this respect they certainly present a good example to the Gentile world. Thus it was that until I myself went through endowments I was totally ignorant of what they were, although, of course, so many people with whom I had daily intercourse could so easily have enlightened me if they had been thus minded.

With apostates I, of course, had nothing to do, and had it been otherwise, it is most probable that they would have been so much ashamed of the folly of the whole performance that they would not have spoken explicitly about it. Besides this, every Mormon's mouth was closed by the oath of that same endowment house, the penalty of breaking which was death, a penalty which no one doubted would be sternly

enforced. Thus, totally in the dark, and remembering only the strange stories about washings and anointings, and an imitation of the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve clothed in their own innocence alone, it can be no wonder that any modest woman should wish to evade all participation in such scenes.

I spoke to my husband about it, and he tried to reassure me, but what he said had rather a contrary effect. Before we left England, when speaking of these ceremonies, my husband told me that they were simply a privilege and a matter of choice. But what a choice!

I might go, or refuse to go, but if I refused, he must, if he went through it all, take another wife in my place, and as I knew, there would be no difficulty in finding one. I should in consequence be known as a rebellious woman. Annoyance and indignity would be heaped upon me, while within my own house I should be compelled to occupy the position of second wife, as the one who is married first in the

endowment house is considered the first wife, and has the control of everything. My husband told me that now he was most anxious to go. He had already been notified three times that such was his privilege, and there were, he said, good reasons why we ought gladly to accept the opportunity. It was an honor, he said, for which many people had waited for years.

My husband reminded me that we had been married by a Gentile, and while living among the Gentiles, and that, as I said before, our marriage was not valid, and our children were not legitimate. Only those children of ours who were born after the ceremony in the endowment house would be legitimate. The others were outcasts from the kingdom, unless we adopted them after our initiation,

and thus made them heirs. In any case, poor children, they could never be considered the real heirs. They could only be heirs by adoption. So I agreed to go, trying to persuade myself that it was a sacred duty, for although my faith in Mormonism had been roughly shaken, I still believed that its origin was divine.

As we had been but a few weeks in Utah, we had not prepared our temple garments, not thinking that we should be called upon so soon to go through. We had therefore to borrow, as most people do, for the occasion. The temple robe, which is a long, loose, flowing garment made of white linen or bleached muslin, and reaching to the ankle, had been placed upon us just before we took the oaths.

It was gathered to a band about twelve inches long, which rested on the right shoulder, passed across the breast, and came together under the left arm, and was then fastened by a linen belt. This leaves the left arm entirely free. The veil consists of a large square of Swiss muslin, gathered in one corner so as to form

a sort of cap to fit the head. The remainder falls down as a veil. The men wear the same kind of undergarment as the women, and their robes are the same, but their headdress is a round piece of linen drawn up with a string and a bow in front, something after the fashion of a scotch cap.

All good Mormons, after they have received their first endowments, get whole suits of temple robes made on purpose for them so they may be ready for use at any time when they are needed. All marriages in the Endowment House are performed in these robes, and in them all saints who have received their endowments are buried.

Besides our robes, we were instructed to take with us a bottle of the best olive oil. At seven o'clock in the morning of the day appointed, we presented ourselves at the door of the Endowment House and were admitted by Brother Lyon, the Mormon poet. Everything within was beautifully neat and clean, and a solemn silence pervaded the whole place.

The only sound that could be heard was the splashing of water, but whence the sound proceeded, we could not see. In spite of myself, a feeling of dread and uncertainty respecting what I had to go through would steal over my mind, and I earnestly wished that the day was over. We waited patiently for a little while and presently a man entered and seated himself

at a table placed there for that purpose, upon which was a large book. He opened the book and, then calling each person in turn, he took their names and ages and the names of their fathers and mothers, and carefully entered each particular in the book. Our bottles of oil were then taken from us, and we were supposed to be ready for the ceremony.

First, we were told to take off our shoes and leave them in the ante room, and then to take up our bundles and pass into another room beyond. This was a large bathroom, which was divided down the middle by a curtain of heavy material, placed there for the purpose of separating the men from the women. Here my husband left me, he going to the men's and I to the women's division.

In the bathroom there were two or three large bathing tubs supplied by streams of hot and cold water. We were as much concealed from the men as if we had been in an entirely separate room, and everything was very quiet and orderly. Miss Eliza R. Snow, the poetess, and a Mrs. Whitney were the officiating attendants on

that occasion. The former conducted me to one of the bathing tubs, and placing me in it, she proceeded to wash me from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet. As she did this, she repeated various formulas, to the effect that I was now washed clean from the blood of this generation, and should never, if I remained faithful, be partaker

in the plagues and miseries which were about to come upon the earth. When I had thus been washed clean, she wiped me dry, and then taking a large horn filled with the olive oil which we had brought, she anointed me. The oil was poured from the horn by Mrs. Whitney into the hand of Eliza Snow, who then applied it to me.

The horn was said to be the horn of plenty, which, like the widow's crews of oil, would never fail, as long as the ordinance should continue to be administered. In addition to the crown of my head, my eyes, ears, and mouth were also anointed. My eyes, that they might be quick to see, my ears, that they might be apt at hearing, and my mouth, that I might with wisdom speak the words of eternal life.

She also anointed my feet, that they might be swift to run in the ways of the Lord. I was then given a certain garment to put on. Now this garment is one peculiar to the Mormon people. It is made so as to envelop the whole body, and it is worn night and day. I was told that after having once put it on, I must never wholly take it off before putting

on another, but that I should change one half at a time, and that if I did so I should be protected from disease, and even from death itself, for the bullet of an enemy would not penetrate that garment, and that from it even the dagger's point should be turned aside. It has been said that the Prophet Joseph carelessly left off this peculiar garment on the day of his death, and that had he not done so, the rifles of his assassins would have been

harmless against him. When thus arrayed, I proceeded to put on a white night-dress and skirt, stockings and white linen shoes. A new name was then whispered into my ear, which I was told I must never mention to any living soul except my husband in the endowment house.

This name was taken from the Bible, and I was given to understand that it would be the name whereby I should be admitted into the Celestial Kingdom. This was, of course, very gratifying. A circumstance, however, occurred which took from me all the pride which might have been mine in the possession of a new name.

There was among our number a deaf woman. Mrs. Whitney had to tell her her name once or twice over, loud enough for me to hear. And thus I found that her new name, as well as mine, was Sarah. To make the matter worse, another sister whispered, Why, that is my name too.

This entirely dispelled any enthusiasm which otherwise I might have felt. I could well understand that I might yet become a Sarah in Israel, but if we were all Sarahs, there would not be much distinction or honor in being called by that name. As a matter of course, I supposed that the men would all become Abrahams. Our washing and anointing being now over, we were ready for the initiation.

There were fifteen couples in all. A voice from behind the curtain asked Miss Snow if we were ready, and was answered in the affirmative. We were then arranged in a row. The curtain was drawn aside, and we stood face to face with the men who had, of course,

on their side of the curtain, been put through the same ordeal. I felt dreadfully nervous, for I did not know what was coming next, and I could not quite dismiss from my mind the stories that I had heard about these mysteries. But in spite of my nervousness, curiosity was strong in me at that moment, as it was I suppose in the others, for as soon as the curtain was drawn aside, we all cast our eyes

in the direction of the men. They as might be expected were looking in our direction, and when I beheld them, I must say that my sympathies were drawn out towards the poor creatures. However little vanity or personal pride they possessed, they must have felt it unpleasant to have to appear in the presence of ladies in such a dress, or rather undress.

And notwithstanding the solemn meaning of the ceremony, there was just the ghost of a smile upon our faces as we looked at each other and dropped our eyes again. To anyone who did not feel as we did the religious nature of the initiation, the scene must have appeared perfectly ludicrous. In fact, some of us felt it so.

One sister, just as the curtain was drawn up, and we came in full view of our lords, cried out, Oh dear, oh dear! Where shall I go? What shall I do?

This as may be supposed caused a laugh, which was of course immediately suppressed. We could see how the men looked, but of our own appearance we could not so easily judge. Certainly we must have looked anything but handsome in our white garments, and with the oil trickling down our faces and into our eyes, making them smart and look red. There was nothing, however, for us to do but to submit quietly, and make the best of it

we could. Ashamed as I was, I thought I might venture to look at my husband. There could be no harm in that. But when I saw his demure-looking countenance, and his efforts to keep his clothing in order, I thought I should be compelled to laugh outright, for I could see that his thoughts were more

occupied about his personal appearance than with the solemnity of the occasion. The men were all dressed in the same kind of garment as the women, drawers and shirt all in one, very much like those which are used for children to sleep in. And over that an ordinary white shirt such as men always wear, that with socks and white linen shoes completed their toilette.

But after this interesting fashion, we sat opposite to each other for several minutes, and then my husband and myself were instructed to come forward and kneel at the altar while all the rest remained standing. It is the custom thus to select two persons, and we were either picked out by chance, or it might be, as my husband was thought a good deal of by the authorities, that they considered

he would feel honored by the preference. Suddenly a voice was heard speaking to someone who also replied. This voice from the unseen was supposed to be the voice of Elohim in conversation with Jehovah. And the words that were used were much the same as those contained in the first chapter

of the book of Genesis, describing the creation of the world. Finally, Jehovah and Elohim declare their intention to come down and visit the earth. This they do and pronounce all that they behold very good. But they declare that it is necessary that one of a higher order of intelligence than the brute creation should be placed in the world to govern and control all else.

For example, the Archangel is now called, and he is placed upon the earth under the name of Adam, and power is given him over all the beasts of the field, the fowls of the air, and the fishes of the sea. Moreover, the fruits of the earth are all given to him for his sustenance and pleasure. But he is strictly charged, as in the Bible story, not to eat of one particular tree which

stands in the midst of the garden. This tree is represented by a small, real evergreen, and a few bunches of dried raisins are hung upon it as fruit. It is now discovered that it is not good for man to be alone. Elohim and Jehovah therefore hold another conversation upon that subject, and they finally

determine to give a companion to Adam. They therefore cause a deep sleep to fall upon Michael, or Adam as he is now called, and they prepare to operate upon him. Here we were all instructed to assume the attitude of deep sleep by dropping our heads upon our breasts.

Elohim and Jehovah then came down and go through the motions of removing a rib from the side which said rib appears immediately upon the scene in the person of Eliza R. Snow. Elohim and Jehovah are generally represented by two of the Twelve Apostles. When Brigham is present, he plays a prominent part. And now the devil makes his appearance in the person of W. W. Phelps.

The devil wears a very tight-fitting suit of black muslin with knee breeches and black stockings and slippers. This dress had all the appearance of a theatrical costume, and the man in the suit was very well dressed. The man in the suit was very well dressed.

This dress had all the appearance of a theatrical costume, and the man himself looked as much like one might imagine the devil would look, as he possibly could. He began by trying to scrape acquaintance with Eve, whom he meets while taking a walk in the garden. The innocent, unsuspecting woman is fascinated by his attentions.

Father Adam, who seems to have had a touch of the Mormon about him, perhaps was not the most attentive of husbands, or he may have fallen into the same error into which many of his sons have fallen since, neglecting to pay the same attentions after marriage as he was wont to before, and left his young wife to the mercy of the tempter. However that may be, Satan and Eve are soon discovered in conversation together, and Eve

appears to be particularly pleased with Satan. At length he offers her some of the fruit of the forbidden tree, and after some little demure she accepts it and eats thereof. Then the devil leaves her, Adam makes his appearance, and Eve persuades him also to eat of the fruit of the tree.

After this they make a dumb show of perceiving their condition, and an apron of white linen is produced on which are sewn pieces of green silk in imitation of fig leaves, and in these they both attire themselves. Then all the brethren and sisters produced similar aprons which they had brought with them on purpose, and these they put on as Adam and Eve had already done.

Elohim now appeared again, and called Adam, but Adam was afraid and hid himself in the garden with Eve. The curse was now pronounced upon the serpent, the devil, who reappears upon his hands and knees making a hissing noise as one might suppose a serpent would do. We were then all driven out of the garden of Eden into another room which represented

the world, and this ended the first degree. We were now supposed to be out in the world, earning our daily bread by the sweat of our brows, and we were informed that although we had been driven out from the presence of the Lord, yet a plan of salvation would be devised for us by which we should be enabled to return to our first estate.

We were to wait patiently until this plan should be disclosed to us. There was here such a mixture of persons and events that I could not exactly follow the idea that was intended to be conveyed, if there was any idea at all. Men representing the ancient prophets entered and gave instructions to the people to prepare themselves for the first coming of our Savior upon the earth.

Then we were taught certain passwords and grips, and then we were all arranged in a circle. The women covered their faces with their veils, and we all kneeled down, and with our right hands uplifted towards heaven we took the solemn oath of obedience and secrecy. I myself made a movement with my hand, for I believed that my life was at stake, and

I dared not do otherwise. The words of the oath I did not utter. We swore that by every means in our power we would seek to avenge the death of Joseph Smith the prophet upon the Gentiles who had caused his murder, and that we would teach our children to do so.

We swore that without murmuring or questioning we would implicitly obey the commands of the priesthood in everything. We swore that we would not commit adultery, which was explained to mean the taking of wives without the permission of the holy priesthood, and we swore that we would never under any circumstances reveal that which transpired in the endowment house.

The penalty for breaking this oath, which was worded in the most startling and impressive way, was then explained to us. The throat of the traitor was to be cut from ear to ear, his heart and tongue were to be cut out, and his bowels were, while he was yet living, to be torn from him. In the world to come everlasting damnation would be his portion.

Let not the reader think that this was merely an imaginary penalty, or that it was expressed merely for the purpose of frightening the weak-minded, for I have already shown that punishments quite as horrible as that have been deliberately meted out to the apostate, the Gentile, and the suspected saint, by the Mormon priesthood. The innocent blood which cries for vengeance against Brigham Young, and some of the leaders

of the church, is sufficient to weigh the purest spirit which stands before the throne of God down to the nethermost abysses of hell. After these fearful oaths had been taken, with due solemnity, we were instructed in the various signs representing those dreadful penalties, and we were also given a grip peculiar to this degree.

We were next entertained by a long address from the apostle Heber C. Kimball. Never in my life, except from Brigham Young, had I listened to such disgusting language, and I trust I never shall be compelled to listen to anything like it again. Brother Kimball always used to pride himself upon using plain language, but that day I think he surpassed himself.

He seemed to take quite a pleasure in saying anything which could make us blush. The subject of which he discoursed was the married life in the celestial order. He also laid great stress upon the necessity of our keeping silence concerning all that we had witnessed in the endowment house. Even husbands to their wives, and wives to their husbands, were not to utter a single

word. With the sermon ended our second degree. We were now taken to another room for the purpose of passing through the third degree of the order of the Melchizedek priesthood. When we were all arranged on one side against the wall, a number of individuals entered

who were supposed to represent the ministers of every denomination and religion upon the face of the earth. The devil also makes his appearance again. The ministers set forth the various claims of their respective creeds, each one striving to show that his is the purest and the best.

But the devil sows division and hatred among them, and a good deal of confusion ensues. Then came in personages representing Peter, James, and John, the apostles, and they commanded ministers, devil, and all to depart. They then appeared to organize a new church in which the true principles of the gospel were to be taught.

Our temple robes were also all changed from the right shoulder to the left, indicating that we were now in the true church, and that we were to be absolutely and in every way dependent upon the priesthood. Another grip was then given to us, and thus we received the third degree of the order of Melchizedek Priesthood.

In that room was a division made of bleached muslin. In the division a door, and in the door a hole, with a lap of muslin over it, through which to pass the hand. Whoever was on the other side could see us, but we could not see them. The men first approached this door.

A person representing the apostle Peter appeared at the opening, and demanded who was there. He was told that someone desired to enter. Hands came through the opening in the muslin curtain, and mysterious fingers cut a mark on the left breast of the men's shirts, one mark also over the abdomen, and one over the right knee, which marks the women religiously imitated upon their own garments when they

got home. The applicant was then told to put his hand through the opening, and give the last grip, belonging to the third degree, and mention his new name. He was then permitted to enter. This was called going beyond the veil.

When the men were all admitted, the women were suffered to approach, and were passed through by their own husbands. When a woman has no husband, she is passed through by one of the brethren, and to those who are not going to be married or sealed for eternity, here the ceremonies end. Now as I before stated, according to Mormon ideas, we had never before been legally married.

It was therefore necessary that we should now pass through that ceremony. We accordingly were conducted to a desk where our names were entered, and we were then passed into another room. In that room was a long, low altar, covered with red velvet, and an armchair placed at one end of it, in which sat Brigham Young.

My husband knelt at one side of the altar, and I at the other, with our hands clasped in the last grip which had been given to us. Then the ordinary formula of marriage was gone through with, and we were informed that we were sealed for time and for eternity. Thus we passed through the mysteries of the Endowment House, and at three o'clock in the

afternoon we found ourselves at liberty to return home. The various ceremonies had occupied eight hours. When we reached home, my husband said, Well, what do you think of the endowments? But I did not dare to answer him truthfully at that time.

Had I done so, I should have told him that I was ashamed and disgusted. Never in all my life did I suffer such humiliation as I did that day. For the whole time I was under the impression that those who officiated looked upon us as a set of silly dupes, and I felt annoyed to think that I dared not tell them so. So I told my husband that I would rather not speak about it, and we never have spoken of

it to this day. What were his own feelings about the matter I do not know, for Mormon wives are taught never to pry into their husbands' feelings or meddle with their actions. But notwithstanding all my feelings in reference to the endowments, so foolish was I that when I afterwards heard the brethren and sisters talking about the happiness which they had

experienced while going through, and saying how privileged we ought to feel at being in Zion among the saints of God, secure in his kingdom where we could bring up our children in the fear of the Lord, I began again to think that the fault was all in myself, and that it was I who was wrong, and not the endowments. I wondered how with such a rebellious heart I should ever get salvation, and I mourned

to think that I had not accepted everything with the simplicity of a child. Some time after our initiation I met the Apostle Heber C. Kimball, and he asked me how I felt upon the occasion. I frankly told him all, but added that I regretted feeling so. He said, I shall see if you cannot go through again.

It is not just the thing, but I shall try and make the opportunity. Nothing more, however, was said about it, but that which troubled me most was the fact that while the oaths were being administered I dropped my hand and inwardly vowed that I would never subscribe to such things, and at the same time my heart was filled with bitter opposition.

This, although I did it involuntarily, my better nature rising within me and overcoming my superstition, I thought at the time was sinful. I now, however, rejoice that such was the case, for not having actually vowed to keep I can say without any cavil or equivocation that I have broken no promise and betrayed no trust by the discoveries which I have just made.

I wish distinctly to make this statement. Others have more or less divulged the oaths of the Endowment House, and have excused themselves with much doubtful sophistry. I never really took the oaths, although present, and therefore no one can charge me with treachery. At a later date some of the sisters kindly suggested that the spirit of the Evil One

had entered into me at that time, but this was at least a very inconsistent statement, for the Mormons believed that no evil spirit can enter into the Endowment House. Of one thing I am certain. I was then indeed a miserable slave, with no one to stretch forth a kindly hand and strike away the fetters of my mental degradation, and lead me forth into light and liberty.

End of chapter 25