menu_book Chapter 33

CHAPTER XXXIII. DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS OF THE SAINTS. POLYGAMY FROM A WOMAN'S STANDPOINT. I was now to realize personally in my own home life what polygamy actually was. Either to, I had observed how other women suffered and how other men treated their wives,

but now the painful reality had come to my own door and I was to experience the effects of the system upon myself and instead of noting the conduct of other men, I should be able to observe the change which polygamy might work in my own husband. How little do the Mormon men know what it is in the truest sense to have a wife, though they have so many wives, after their own fashion.

Almost imperceptibly to the husband and even to the wife herself, a barrier rises between them from the very day that he marries another woman. It matters not how much she believes in the doctrine of plural marriage or willing she may be to submit to it. The fact remains the same.

The estrangement begins by her trying to hide from him all her secret sorrows, for she feels that what has been done cannot be undone now and, she says, I cannot change it, neither would I if I could, because it is the will of God, and I must bear it. Besides what good will it do to worry my husband with all my feelings? He cannot help me, and is he not another woman's husband?

Then comes, perhaps, the painful thought, I have no longer any desire to confide in him. Or it may be that she detects some familiarity between her husband and the other wife, and she feels bitterly towards both, for, strive as she may, human nature cannot be altogether crushed out.

For long the wife begins to feel her husband's presence itself become irksome to her. Even his touch makes her shudder. She strives to hide all this, but, oh, with what anguish of soul! She may keep up an appearance of tranquillity, and, when spoken to about plural marriage, may lead people to believe that she is happy, and even her own husband may think that she

has become used to it. But women never get used to it until they have in great measure, or perhaps entirely, lost their love for their husbands. This was a mistake that my own husband made in respect to me. He realized, I know, as much as the generality of men can ever realize a woman's feelings,

that I was suffering intensely, and he tried in every way to make my burden lighter. But like his brethren, he thought that because he was getting used to it, I was also. I can truly say I never did get used to it, and never could. That was a time of great misery to me, much as I tried to control my feelings. Day by day I strove to hide from my heart even the knowledge of my own unhappiness,

And when I could no longer endure, I would lock myself in my room and give vent to the anguish that was consuming me. I realized, however, that this continual conflict of feeling was unfitting me for my duties. Everything was becoming a trial to me. I could not bear to be spoken to.

The prattle of my children that had always been so dear to me was now discordant to my and all their little questionings were irksome. I determined that this should no longer be the case. I would battle with my own heart. I would henceforth devote my whole life, worthless as that life appeared to have become, to the

welfare of my little ones. This was a conclusion that hundreds of wretched Mormon wives have arrived at, and when this is the case there is some hope for them. But many give away to despair and go down broken-hearted to their graves. How much of true affection do the Mormon husbands lose?

A man may have a dozen wives, but from them all combined he will not receive as much real love and devotion as he would from one alone, if he made her feel that she had his undivided affection and confidence. How terribly these men deceive themselves! When peace, or rather quiet, reigns in their homes, they think that the Spirit of God is

there. But it is not so. It is a calm not like the gentle silence of sleep, but as the painful stillness of death, the death of the heart's best affection and all that is worth calling love. All true love has fled, and indifference has taken its place.

The very children feel it. What do they, what can they care about their father whom they so seldom see? Of course, as in everything else, there are exceptions to the rule, but I am speaking now of polygamists in general. Some wives, afraid of creating a prejudice against themselves, and of being forsaken

deceive their husbands and make them believe that they are satisfied. It must be admitted that in acting thus these wives are not always actuated by a fear of losing the society or love of their husbands, for in polygamy love dies a natural death. But it is galling to a woman's pride to have it said that she has been cast off for another. And two, and some women would consider this the most important reason of all, the best

provision is usually made for the home where the husband stops most frequently, and the wife, if not for her own sake, at least for her children's, will be anxious to have a well-provided house. This is only natural. The divine plan has always been worked out in a very human way.

When a man has several wives, there is, of course, no necessity for him to stay with an unhappy or mopeish one, as he can always find a more pleasant reception elsewhere. Men who can really believe that women are satisfied and happy under such a system must be entirely ignorant of human nature. And yet I have known many gentlemen from Utah who, when asked how the Mormon women submitted

to polygamy have answered, Oh, very well. They are perfectly happy, for they look upon it as a religious duty and are satisfied and contented with it. How false is all this? What an incorrect idea does it give of the wives of Utah?

Some of these very men, to my certain knowledge, know better than this, and have had a very different experience in their own families. I have in my mind a prominent man from Salt Lake City who told a reporter of the New York Herald how happily his wives lived together, while everyone at home knows they could not well be more miserable, for his wives do not wear the mask.

I could name many other families in which it is just the same. There is a class of women in Utah who act as a sort of drill sergeants to the other women. These form what is called the Female Relief Society, for they take the lead among the Mormon women, get up memorials to Congress against anti-polygamic bills, and otherwise

spend their time in advancing the interests of the Celestial Order. To the good brethren, these ladies are invaluable helpers when they desire to add to the number of their wives. And going from house to house to gather contributions for the society, they have ample opportunities for discovering the feelings of those who are rebellious and giving a great deal of

counsel which frequently produces very painful results. The members of this Relief Society, even the poorest, are without exception expected to contribute to its funds, if it be only a skein of yarn or a spool of thread. They make their visits fortnightly and gather in contributions with such success that in more than one ward they have been able to build a fine store, have it filled with goods,

and have had a surplus in hand, which was duly handed over as a present to Brother Brigham. Brother Brigham is always ready and willing to receive gifts, whether large or small. There was an instance of this which fell under my own observation, and which, though I was still in the church, annoyed me very greatly. An old lady applied to me for sewing, and as I was in need of someone I employed her.

She suffered a good deal from asthma, and finally became so bad that it was with the greatest difficulty that she could even walk. She told me frequently that a cup of tea was such a comfort to her, but she would not allow herself that luxury, as she was resolved to put by all that might have cost her for tea and sugar and other little luxuries, and make a present of the money to Brother Brigham.

I learned subsequently that she did save up as much as twenty dollars, which, in the presence of witnesses, she presented to the prophet, and he actually took it. I was told that in a sermon delivered at Ogden, a short time after, he gave the poor woman great credit for having performed a good deed, and recommended others to go and do likewise. It is difficult to discover how the poor are benefited by the Relief Society, and yet it

was ostensibly for their welfare and assistance that the Society was called into existence. I know of many instances where poor persons have applied for help, which has been either refused to them, or else has been offered in such a way that it could not be accepted. It must not be supposed that all the Mormon women who belong to the Relief Society are as great admirers of Brother Brigham as the ancient dame of whom I have just spoken.

Some belong to it because they cannot help themselves. One of these very sisters once told me that when they got up the lady's petition to Mrs. Grant, praying her to use her influence with the president in favor of Mormon husbands practicing polygamy, they did not give themselves the trouble to call upon all the ladies who belonged to the Society, but took their names from the books without even obtaining permission first.

Another lady told me that when they came to her house to get the signature of herself and daughters, they asked her if she had any dead daughters, as if she had, it was just as proper to sign for them as for the living, for they would be certain to believe in polygamy now that they were in heaven, whatever might have been their condition on earth. This is the way in which elections are conducted and memorials and petitions are got up in Utah.

Moreover, it must not be imagined that those who are most zealous in signing petitions and forcing them upon their sisters are necessarily the greatest believers in the Celestial Order. No, and not a few of these women are seen some of the worst effects of the system. One of these very ladies told me that she had seen enough of old Brigham and polygamy in this world, she hoped she would never set eyes upon him in the next, and yet this lady

was very highly spoken of for her zeal in getting up the petition in favor of polygamy. These are the women who finding their own happiness wrecked, are not satisfied until they have dragged every other woman they meet into the same snare. They appear to have no mercy upon their own sex, and when persuasive words fail to soften the rebellious wife, they will repeat to her that portion of the revelation which says that the wife who refuses

consent shall be destroyed, and thus they work upon her fears and her devotion to her religion. It is painful to see women so hopeless themselves that they find a satisfaction in making others equally miserable. An utter disregard to the feelings or happiness of individuals is one of the distinguishing features of Mormonism. Polygamy hardens the hearts of both men and women towards those whom they should love most tenderly. What wonder then

that the less sacred ties of friendship and common humanity should be disregarded? Do I not furnish you with breadstuffs? The wealthy bishop or apostle has often said to a neglected wife, What more do you want? She had perhaps complained of neglect, but his coarse nature could not comprehend that her soul craved its daily food as much as her body, that a true-hearted wife needs the love and companionship of her husband, and that she ought to feel

that he is living for her and for her children just as faithfully as she is living for him. Any idea of mutual obligation between husbands and wives has, I believe, never entered the mind of Brigham Young and the leaders who most nearly imitate him. He himself has forsaken wife after wife, giving them no love, no companionship, nay, scarcely even a thought. They have gone out of his life as completely as if they never possessed the slightest interest in his eyes.

He has, however, continued to give them breadstuffs, clothing, and shelter, which he could so well afford, but it was for appearance's sake, and certainly not for love. When a man has more than one wife his affections must of necessity be divided. He really has no home in the truest sense of the word. His houses are simply boarding places. Should he have all his wives in one house, as is often the case, they are then all slaves to

the system. Each one is watching the others, and they know it, trying to discover something that can be secretly told to the husband to draw away his affections from the rest. What more miserable position could be imagined? There is, however, no fixed principle regulating Mormon men in the management of their families. Every one is at liberty to do as he thinks best, and scarcely two families are governed alike.

When Salt Lake City was first settled the people had to live as best they could, and a man was glad to get even one roof under which he and all his wives might be sheltered. Now when the husband is wealthy he generally provides separate homes for his wives. Some wealthy men, however, still have all their wives and families together. I have in my mind as I write a very prominent Mormon who has half a dozen wives, and he divides his

time among them after this fashion. The first week he stays with the first wife, the next week he is with the second, then he goes back to the first. The fourth week he passes with the third wife, and then he returns for another week to the first, and thus he continues to give one week to the first wife, and the next to one of the other five in turn, until he has blessed them all with his presence. Now it would at casual glance appear that the

first wife has by far the largest share of her husband's society, but if the truth must be told it must be admitted that the husband is not quite so generous as he appears. The last wife of this good man is a young and pretty girl, and she lives with the first wife, and thus his devotion to the latter is rewarded by the presence of the former. Each of the other wives has one week of his society and attentions in every eleven, about

five weeks apiece of companionship with their husband in the course of a whole year. Other men with the same number of wives pass constantly between one house and another. They can never be found when wanted, their lives are one eternal round, and they may be said to have no real abiding place. In every settlement in Utah, long, low-roofed houses may be seen with a row of doors and windows alternating. Even in Salt Lake City, much as it has changed

of late years, such houses may still be found. To every door and window there is of course a wife, and the furniture of her room consists of a bed, three chairs, and a table. Then if the man is a very devout Mormon and wishes to increase his kingdom by adding another wife to the inhabitants of the long, many-doored house, a wagon-box is so arranged as to form a sleeping apartment for the newcomer, or what is more likely, one of the old wives

is put into the wagon-box, and the new one takes her place. A house with two wings is rather a favorite style with those men who to silence their conscience and the priesthood conclude to take just one extra wife and no more. The wives with their children occupy respectively each a wing, and the entrance door opens into a parlor which serves as a reception room for both families. The husband in this case spends a week on one side of

the house and a week on the other, alternately, and thus by an impartial division of his attentions he preserves peace in his family. A man who is comfortably off can of course arrange his domestic affairs so as to avoid as far as possible the inconveniences of the system, but a poor man is forced to submit to circumstances. Many men have entered into polygamy with two, three, and even four wives all with their children living together under one roof,

in one room, in the most disgraceful and barbarous manner, but even for this the leaders were really more to blame than the poor deluded men themselves for the command to build up the kingdom, build up the kingdom. In other words, take many wives and raise up large families, has been so constantly and imperatively insisted upon that good sense and propriety have at last been entirely overlooked. In a very large house, with many wives, there

is greater safety and peace for the husband than in a small house with only two wives. When there are only two apartments, the husband, if not in one, is supposed to be in the other, and the neglected wife frequently expresses her opinion of her rival in the opposite room in very powerful language. Scenes may be witnessed in such households which are too shocking to disclose. Brigham Young was conscious of this when he said he would stand no more fighting

and scratching round him, and yet in the face of all this he dares to tell the people that this is the order of celestial marriage. With many wives living together in a large house, there are many advantages. The whereabouts of the husband is not so easily discovered, and the unhappy or jealous wife is at a loss to know upon whom to vent her ire. In this account even men with small means prefer to have three wives instead of two, as each wife,

not knowing which of the other two she ought to hate the most, divides her jealousy. It takes, however, a wise man to know how to live in polygamy so to balance all the conflicting interests and obtain a little peace if happiness is out of the question. Where the husband is a rich man and has abundant wealth, wherewith to supply the wants of his numerous wives and children, and to furnish all the necessary accommodation that a growing family demands,

much of the jealousy and ill-feeling inseparable from polygamy can, to a certain extent, be avoided. But when poor men, as I myself have witnessed, live with several wives and a whole army of children huddled together in a miserable room or two, it is painful and inconvenient in the extreme, and yet such is frequently the case. I know one man, otherwise very respectable, who lives with three wives and eleven children in two wretched rooms no better than a stable,

and they think that in this they are pleasing God. Some men have entered into polygamy so poor and unprovided for that their dwelling consisted of just one sitting room and one sleeping apartment for the two wives together with the husband, and it is quite a common thing to see two or even three wives living together in one very small house. A family was pointed out to me which consisted of two wives, one son about sixteen years of age,

a daughter of fifteen, and numerous other younger children, and all lived together in two small rooms and a shed. It would be quite impossible with any regard to propriety to relate all the horrible results of this disgraceful system. It has debased the minds and degraded the lives of good and honest men and women, while those who naturally had a tendency towards evil have become a hundred times worse. Marriages have been contracted between the nearest relatives

and old men tottering on the brink of the grave have been united to little girls scarcely in their teens, while unnatural alliances of every description which in any other community would be regarded with disgust and abhorrence are here entered into in the name of God and under the sanction of a revelation supposed to proceed from the pure and holy Savior. I was much shocked and disgusted when I first went to Utah to find a man whom under other

circumstances I had known in London, living with two sisters whom he married in the manner I have just described, and strange as it may appear, it was not with them a matter of necessity. When I knew the husband in Europe I considered him a man of education and refinement, but I certainly was mistaken, for no man whose nature was at all sensitive would have lived as he did. His wives, too, had been considered highly respectable English girls, were not

ashamed of their degraded position. They professed to believe in bringing the world back to its primitive purity and innocence. It is quite a common thing in Utah for a man to marry two and even three sisters. I was well acquainted with one man who married his half-sister, and I know several who have married mother and daughter. I know also another man who married a widow with several children, and when one of the girls had grown into her teens

he insisted on marrying her also, having first by some means won her affections. The mother, however, was much opposed to this marriage and finally gave up her husband entirely to her daughter, and to this very day the daughter bears children to her stepfather, living as a wife in the same house with her mother. In another instance, a well-known man in Salt Lake City, who has several wives and married daughters, married a young girl of fifteen years of age

whom his wife had adopted and brought up as her own. Men who do such things as these have no excuse in their religion. It is pretended that the Mormon prophet received a revelation sanctioning polygamy, but no one ever supposed that it was therefore necessary for persons so near akin in blood to marry. When such disgraceful alliances had taken place, they have been the result of the brutal passions of men and cannot be charged directly to their

religion. Their religion is to blame for debasing their minds and destroying in them those pure feelings which would have rebelled against these shameful marriages. But their religion only enjoined them to marry many wives. It never taught them to select those wives from their own households. The women in polygamy, as might be expected, have all along had to bear the heaviest part of the burden. It is painful to see how some of them

will strive to maintain a hold upon their husbands' affections. They may perhaps feel bitterly their lonely and neglected position, and they may detest the system, but they try nevertheless to make their homes as pleasant and attractive as possible. Some do this for one reason, some for another. But in most instances, the chief motive is a desire to draw away the husband from the other wives. Not that they particularly wish for his company

or his love, but they like to show their power over him. I know some of these Mormon men whose wives manage them in this way. They think not a little of themselves and believe that they are indeed the lords of creation, and can have everything their own way, while all the time they are perfect objects of ridicule to everyone who knows them on account of the way they are managed by their wives. Such men fancy that they govern absolutely in their

own households, and with head erect they will boastfully say to their neighbors, See how I manage my women, little thinking that it is the women who are managing them. Other good women make their homes pleasant from a sincere desire that their husbands should be happy, and will study the most rigid economy while living alone, so as to save out their frequently poor allowance sufficient to entertain the husband well when it comes to their turn

to receive a visit from him. Many a woman has thus earned the flattering opinion of her husband for economy, and it has very materially strengthened her influence over him. I knew a lady who by a little management of this sort so pleased her spouse that he placed her at the head of his household, and the other wives had to go to her for everything. This was all the glory she had ever dreamed of or desired. Women of years and experience

act thus, but young and thoughtless wives frequently try an opposite experiment, and when their husbands come to see them they are always poor, always needy, they never have enough of anything. This attempt to excite sympathy is seldom or never so successful as the other plan. The pleasant home and smiling welcome are more attractive to the Mormon husband than the complaints of a dissatisfied wife. Many a good saint, although of course

he would scorn to acknowledge it, is well known to make his principal home with the wife who is the best cook, notwithstanding that affection may not run in the same direction. But when the wife who sets the best table is also the wife best beloved, the husband is a happy man indeed. Quite a number of the leading Mormons have wives in the various settlements, and this is very convenient to them if they have to travel much. If the wives

are old and experienced, as wives who are sent into the country generally are, they can look after and manage a farm, and if they have growing boys, the farm can be worked upon a very economical plan. The younger wives in the city can be supplied from them with all the butter, cheese, vegetables and so forth that they require. It takes considerable shrewdness to manage women in such a way as to turn all their abilities to good account

and to make them profitable. American men, I have always found, were most successful in this experiment. The English, as a general rule, are not smart enough, though I have known instances where smart Englishmen with several wives have so arranged as to live entirely without working themselves. They managed matters to perfection, getting all the labor that was possible out of those unhappy women, and in return breaking their hearts

with unkindness and neglect. Mormon men say, Do not Gentiles do just as bad? No, they do not. There are bad men everywhere, and as everyone knows there are among the Gentiles, men whose cruelty to their wives could not be surpassed. But those men do not attempt to hide their sins under the mantle of religion. They do not crucify their wives in the name of God. Bad men among the Gentiles support a woman, whether wife or not, so long as they

care anything about her. And do the Mormon men do anything more? Hundreds of discarded wives in Utah could bear me witness that when they grew old or their husbands grew tired of them, they tossed them off quite as ruthlessly and with as little compunction as any unprincipled Gentile man ever discarded a mistress who no longer had any place in his affection. In one respect certainly the Mormon men bear off the palm for cruelty, for they add insult

to injury. The sins of wicked Gentiles are hidden from their wives, but the Mormon men flaunt their sins in their wives' faces and in the faces of their grown-up sons and daughters, and style their iniquity the celestial order of heaven. Let me ask the good brethren who read this to act for once impartially and try to put themselves in a woman's place, and let me for their benefit draw a little picture for

them to contemplate. It is evening, and the family are all assembled in their pleasant home, a home made happy by the kind and thoughtful care of a loving father. Peace and tranquility dwell in every heart, and the father is happy in being surrounded by his children, to whom he is fondly attached. He listens to the prattle of the little ones or the music and songs of the elder children, and for a time he is forgetful of everything save the happiness

of the hour. Suddenly his wife, the mother of his children, whom he dearly loves, rises from her seat beside the fire and retires to her own apartment. There she arranges her toile with irreproachable care, sees that every straying curl is in its place, and gives every touch to her appearance which she thinks is likely to render her attractive in the eyes of a man. She now descends the stairs, ready to leave the home of this, her first

husband, for she is going to see her second husband, or some young man to whom she has taken a fancy, and who she thinks would be suitable for a third. She kisses her children good-bye, and is about to take an affectionate farewell of their father, when she suddenly discovers that he is not looking happy. What is the matter now, she says? Is not your home a pleasant one? Have I not taken pains to train your children in a proper manner? And

have I not remained an hour longer than usual with you? What folly it is for you to be moping in this way! This is not the way to live our religion, if we expect to get the blessing of God. You know very well it is very painful for me to leave you and my children, but we must be obedient to the commands of God, and I owe attentions to my other husband as well as to you. Can any man be supposed who would for a moment endure such an outrage upon decency

and common sense, such a violation of all that is sacred in the human heart? And yet this is only reversing the case. And just as any Mormon man can suppose he would feel if the wife he loved were to act in the way I have described, so do Mormon wives feel. Only as much more acutely, as women are more sensitive in their affections than men. I remember painfully the bitterness of soul which I experienced when there was only one

wife besides myself, and thousands of women in Utah could bear witness, if they would, to the hopeless misery which the system causes, and the desolate void which it creates in the heart of every thoughtful and affectionate wife.