Chapters 12
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1 Chapter 01 22:00
Inside the great building of the law courts, during the interval in the hearing of the Melvinsky case, the members of the judicial council and the public prosecutor were gathered together in the private room of Ivan Yegorovitch Shebek, and the conversation turned upon the celebrated Krasovsky case. Fyodor Vasilievitch hotly maintained that the case was not in the jurisdiction of the court. Yegor Ivanovitch stood up for his own view. But from the first, Pyotr Ivanovitch, who had not entered into the discussion, took no interest in it, but was looking through the newspapers which had just been brought in. "'Gentlemen,' he said, "'Ivan Ilyitch is dead.' "'You don't say so.' "'Here, read it,' he said to Pyotr Vasilievitch, handing him the fresh, still damp-smelling paper.
Within a black margin was printed, Prescovia Fyodorovna Golovina, with heartfelt affliction, informs friends and relatives of the deceased of her beloved husband, member of the Court of Justice, Ivan Ilyitch Golovine, who passed away on the Fourth of February. The funeral will take place on Thursday at one o'clock.
Ivan Ilyitch was a colleague of the gentleman present, and all liked him. It was some weeks now since he had been taken ill. His illness had been said to be incurable. His post had been kept open for him, but it had been thought that in case of his death Alexiev might receive his appointment, and either Venikoff or Stabel would succeed to Alexiev's. So that on hearing of Ivan Ilyich's death, the first thought of each of the gentlemen in the room was of the effect this death might have on the transfer or promotion of themselves or their friends.
Now I am sure of getting Stabel's place or Venikoff's, thought Fyodor Vassilievich. It was promised me long ago, and the promotion means eight hundred roubles additional income, besides the grants for office expenses.
Now I shall have to petition for my brother-in-law to be transferred from Kaluga, thought Pyotr Ivanovitch. My wife will be very glad. She won't be able to say now that I've never done anything for her family.
I thought somehow that he'd never get up from his bed again, Pyotr Ivanovitch said aloud. I'm sorry. But what was it exactly that was wrong with him? The doctors could not decide. That's to say, they did decide, but differently. When I saw him last, I thought he would get over it. Well, I positively haven't called there ever since the holidays. I've kept meaning to go. Had he any property? I think there's something very small of his wife's, but something quite trifling. Yes, one will have to go and call. They live such a terribly long way off. A long way from you, you mean. Everything's a long way from your place.
There. He can never forgive me for living on the other side of the river," said Pyotr Ivanovitch, smiling at Shebek. And they began to talk of the great distances between different parts of the town, and went back into the court.
Besides the reflections upon the changes and promotions in the service likely to ensue from this death, the very fact of the death of an intimate acquaintance excited in every one who heard of it, as such a fact always does, a feeling of relief that it is he that is dead and not I.
Only think, he is dead, but here am I all right, each one thought or felt. The more intimate acquaintances, the so-called friends of Ivan Ilyich, could not help thinking, too, that now they had the exceedingly tiresome social duties to perform of going to the funeral service and paying the widow a visit of condolence. The most intimately acquainted with their late colleague were Fyodor Vasilievich and Pyotr Ivanovich. Pyotr Ivanovich had been a comrade of his at the school of jurisprudence and considered himself under obligations to Ivan Ilyich. Telling his wife at dinner of the news of Ivan Ilyich's death, and his reflections as to the possibility of getting her brother transferred into their circuit, Pyotr Ivanovitch, without lying down for his usual nap, put on his frock-coat and drove to Ivan Ilyich's.
At the entrance before Ivan Ilyich's flat stood a carriage and two hired flies. Downstairs in the entry near the hat-stand there was, leaning against the wall, a coffin-lid with tassels and braiding freshly rubbed up with pipe-clay. Two ladies were taking off their cloaks. One of them he knew, the sister of Ivan Ilyitch. The other was a lady he did not know. Pyotr Ivanovitch's colleague, Schwartz, was coming down, and from the top stair, seeing who it was coming in, he stopped and winked at him, as though to say, Ivan Ilyich has made a mess of it. It's a very different matter with you and me. Schwarz's face, with his English whiskers and all his thin figure in his frock-coat, had, as it always had, an air of elegant solemnity.
And this solemnity, always such a contrast to Schwarz's playful character, had a special piquancy here. So thought Pyotr Ivanovitch. Pyotr Ivanovitch let the ladies pass on in front of him, and walked slowly up the stairs after them. Schwarz had not come down, but was waiting at the top. Pyotr Ivanovitch knew what for. He wanted, obviously, to settle with him where their game of screw was to be that evening. The ladies went up to the widow's room, while Schwarz, with his lips tightly and gravely shut, and amusement in his eyes, with a twitch of his eyebrows, motioned Pyotr Ivanovitch to the right, to the room where the dead man was. Pyotr Ivanovitch went in, as people always do on such occasions, in uncertainty as to what he would have to do there.
One thing he felt sure of, that crossing oneself never comes amiss on such occasions. As to whether it was necessary to bow down while doing so, he did not feel quite sure, and so chose a middle course. On entering the room, he began crossing himself, and made a slight sort of bow. So far as the movements of his hands and head permitted him, he glanced while doing so about the room. Two young men, one a high school boy, nephews probably, were going out of the room, crossing themselves. An old lady was standing motionless, and a lady, with her eyebrows queerly lifted, was saying something to her in a whisper. A deacon in a frock-coat Resolute and hearty, was reading something aloud with an expression that precluded all possibility of contradiction.
A young peasant who used to wait at table, Gerasim, walking with light footsteps in front of Pyotr Ivanovitch, was sprinkling something on the floor. Seeing this, Pyotr Ivanovitch was at once aware of the faint odor of the decomposing corpse. On his last visit to Ivan Ilyitch, Pyotr Ivanovitch had seen this peasant in his room. He was performing the duties of a sick nurse, and Ivan Ilyitch liked him particularly. Pyotr Ivanovitch continued crossing himself and bowing in a direction intermediate between the coffin, the deacon, and the holy pictures on the table in the corner. Then, when this action of making the sign of the cross with his hand seemed to him to have been unduly prolonged, he stood still and began to scrutinize the dead man.
The dead man lay, as dead men always do lie, in a peculiarly heavy dead way. His stiffened limbs sunk in the cushions of the coffin, and his head bent back forever on the pillow, and thrust up, as dead men always do, His yellow, waxen forehead with bald spots on the sunken temples, and his nose that stood out sharply and, as it were, squeezed on the upper lip. He was much changed, even thinner since Pyotr Ivanovitch had seen him. But his face, as always with the dead, was more handsome and, above all, more impressive than it had been when he was alive. On the face was an expression of what had to be done having been done, and rightly done. Besides this, there was, too, in that expression, a reproach or a reminder for the living.
This reminder seemed to Pyotr Ivanovitch uncalled for, or, at least, to have nothing to do with him. He felt something unpleasant, and so Pyotr Ivanovitch once more crossed himself hurriedly, and, as it struck him, too hurriedly, not quite in accordance with the proprieties, turned and went to the door. Schwarz was waiting for him in the adjoining room, standing with his legs apart, and both hands behind his back playing with his top hat. A single glance at the playful, sleek, and elegant figure of Schwarz revived Pyotr Ivanovitch. He felt that he, Schwarz, was above it, and would not give way to depressing impressions. The mere sight of him said plainly, The incident of the service over the body of Ivan Ilyitch cannot possibly constitute a sufficient ground for recognizing the business of the session suspended.
In other words, in no way can it hinder us from shuffling and cutting a pack of cards this evening, while the footman sets four unsanctified candles on the table for us. In fact, there is no ground for supposing that this incident could prevent us from spending the evening agreeably. He said as much, indeed, to Pyotr Ivanovitch as he came out, proposing that the party should meet at Fyodor Vasilievitch's. But apparently it was Pyotr Ivanovitch's destiny not to play screw that evening. Preskovya Fyodorovna, a short, fat woman, who, in spite of all efforts in a contrary direction, was steadily broader from her shoulders downwards. All in black, with lace on her head and her eyebrows as queerly arched as the ladies standing beside the coffin, came out of her own apartments with some other ladies, and, conducting them to the dead man's room, said, "'The service will take place immediately.
Come in.' Schwarz, making an indefinite bow, stood still, obviously neither accepting nor declining this invitation. Praskovya Fyodorovna, recognizing Pyotr Ivanovitch, sighed, went right up to him, took his hand, and said, I know that you are a true friend of Ivan Ilyitch's, and looked at him, expecting from him the suitable action in response to these words. Pyotr Ivanovitch knew that, just as before he had to cross himself, now what he had to do was to press her hand, to sigh, and to say, Ah, I was indeed. And he did so. And as he did so, he felt that the desired result had been attained, that he was touched and she was touched. "'Come, since it's not begun yet, I have something I want to say to you,' said the widow.
"'Give me your arm.' Pyotr Ivanovitch gave her his arm, and they moved towards the inner rooms, passing Schwarz, who winked gloomily at Pyotr Ivanovitch. "'So much for our screw.' "'Don't complain if we find another partner. You can make a fifth when you do get away,' said his humorous glance.
Pyotr Ivanovitch sighed still more deeply and despondently, and Preskovya Fyodorovna pressed his hand gratefully. Going into her drawing-room, that was upholstered with pink cretonne and lighted by a dismal-looking lamp, they sat down at the table, She on a sofa, and Pyotr Ivanovitch on a low ottoman with deranged springs which yielded spasmodically under his weight. Preskovya Fyodorovna was about to warn him to sit on another seat, but felt such a recommendation out of keeping with her position, and changed her mind. Sitting down on the ottoman, Pyotr Ivanovitch remembered how Ivan Ilyich had arranged this drawing-room, and had consulted him about this very pink cretonne with green leaves. Seating herself on the sofa, and pushing by the table—the whole drawing-room was crowded with furniture and things—the widow caught the lace of her black fichu in the carving of the table.
Pyotr Ivanovitch got up to disentangle it for her, and the ottoman, freed from his weight, began bobbing up spasmodically under him. The widow began unhooking her lace herself, and Pyotr Ivanovitch again sat down, suppressing the mutinous ottoman springs under him. But the widow could not quite free herself, and Pyotr Ivanovitch rose again, and again the ottoman became mutinous and popped up with a positive snap. When this was all over, she took out a clean cambric handkerchief and began weeping. Pyotr Ivanovitch had been chilled off by the incident with the lace and the struggle with the ottoman springs, and he sat looking sullen. This awkward position was cut short by the entrance of Sokolov, Ivan Ilyitch's butler, who came in to announce that the place in the cemetery fixed on by Preskovya Fyodorovna would cost two hundred roubles.
She laughed off weeping, and with the air of a victim, glancing at Pyotr Ivanovitch, said, in French, that it was very terrible for her. Pyotr Ivanovitch made a silent gesture, signifying his unhesitating conviction that it must, indeed, be so.
Please, smoke," she said in a magnanimous and, at the same time, crushed voice, and she began discussing with Sokolov the question of the price of the site for the grave. Pyotr Ivanovitch, lighting a cigarette, listened to her very circumstantial inquiries as to the various prices of sites and her decision as to the one to be selected. Having settled on the site for the grave, she made arrangements also about the choristers. Sokolov went away. "'I see to everything myself,' she said to Pyotr Ivanovitch, moving on one side the albums that lay on the table. And noticing that the table was in danger from the cigarette ash, she promptly passed an ash-tray to Pyotr Ivanovitch, and said, "'I consider it an affectation to pretend that my grief prevents me from looking after practical matters.
On the contrary, if anything could not console me but distract me, it is seeing after everything for him.' She took out her handkerchief again, as though preparing to weep again, and suddenly, as though struggling with herself, she shook herself and began speaking calmly. "'But I've business to talk about with you.' Pyotr Ivanovitch bowed, carefully keeping in check the springs of the ottoman which had at once begun quivering under him. The last few days his sufferings were awful. "'Did he suffer very much?' asked Pyotr Ivanovitch. Oh, awfully! For the last moments, hours indeed, he never left off screaming. For three days and nights in succession, he screamed incessantly. It was insufferable.
I can't understand how I bore it. One could hear it through three closed doors. Ah, what I suffered! And was he really conscious? asked Pyotr Ivanovitch. Yes, she whispered. Up to the last minute. He said good-bye to us a quarter of an hour before his death, and asked Volodya to be taken away, too.
The thought of the sufferings of a man he had known so intimately, at first as a light-hearted boy, a schoolboy, then grown up as a partner at Wist, in spite of the unpleasant consciousness of his own and this woman's hypocrisy, suddenly horrified Pyotr Ivanovitch. He saw again, that forehead, The nose that seemed squeezing the lip, and he felt frightened for himself. Three days and nights of awful suffering and death. Why, that may at once, any minute, come upon me, too, he thought, and he felt for an instant terrified. But immediately, he could not himself have said how. There came to his support the customary reflection that this had happened to Ivan Ilyich, and not to him. And that to him this must not and could not happen.
That in thinking thus he was giving way to depression, which was not the right thing to do, as was evident from Schwartz's expression of face. And making these reflections, Pyotr Ivanovitch felt reassured, and began with interest, inquiring details about Ivan Ilyitch's end, as though death were a mischance peculiar to Ivan Ilyitch, but not at all incidental to himself. After various observations about the details of the truly awful physical sufferings endured by Ivan Ilyich, these details Pyotr Ivanovitch learned only through the effect Ivan Ilyich's agonies had had on the nerves of Preskovya Fyodorovna. The widow apparently thought it time to get to business.
Ah, Pyotr Ivanovitch, how hard it is! How awfully, awfully hard! And she began to cry again. Pyotr ivanovitch sighed and waited for her to blow her nose. When she had done so, he said, "'Indeed it is,' and again she began to talk, and brought out what was evidently the business she wished to discuss with him. That business consisted in the inquiry as to how, on the occasion of her husband's death, she was to obtain a grant from the government. She made a show of asking Pyotr ivanovitch's advice about a pension. But he perceived that she knew already to the minutest details what he did not know himself indeed, everything that could be got out of the government on the ground of this death, but that what she wanted to find out was whether there were not any means of obtaining a little more.
Pyotr Ivanovitch tried to imagine such means, but after pondering a little, and out of politeness, abusing the government for its stinginess, he said that he believed that it was impossible to obtain more. Then she sighed, and began unmistakably looking about for an excuse for getting rid of her visitor. He perceived this, put out his cigarette, got up, pressed her hand, and went out into the passage.
In the dining-room, where was the bric-a-brac clock that Ivan Ilyitch had been so delighted at buying, Pyotr Ivanovitch met the priest and several people he knew who had come to the service for the dead, and saw, too, Ivan Ilyitch's daughter, a handsome young lady. She was all in black. Her very slender figure looked even slenderer than usual. She had a gloomy, determined, almost wrathful expression. She bowed to Pyotr Ivanovitch as though he were to blame in some way. Behind the daughter, with the same offended air on his face, stood a rich young man whom Pyotr Ivanovitch knew too, an examining magistrate, the young lady's fiance, as he had heard. He bowed dejectedly to him. and would have gone on into the dead man's room, when from the staircase there appeared the figure of the son, the high school boy, extraordinarily like Ivan Ilyich.
He was the little Ivan Ilyich over again, as Pyotr Ivanovitch remembered him at school. His eyes were red with crying, and had that look often seen in unclean boys of thirteen or fourteen. The boy, seeing Pyotr Ivanovitch, scowled morosely and bashfully. Pyotr Ivanovitch nodded to him and went into the dead man's room. The service for the dead began. Candles, groans, incense, tears, sobs. Pyotr Ivanovitch stood frowning, staring at his feet in front of him. He did not once glance at the dead man, and right through to the end did not once give way to depressing influences, and was one of the first to walk out. In the hall there was no one. Gerasim, the young peasant, darted out of the dead man's room, tossed over with his strong hand all the fur cloaks to find Pyotr Ivanovitch's, and gave it him.
"'Well, Gerasim, my boy,' said Pyotr Ivanovitch, so as to say something. "'A sad business, isn't it?' "'It's God's will. We shall come to the same,' said Gerasim, showing his white, even peasant teeth in a smile. And, like a man in a rush of extra work, he briskly opened the door, called up the coachman, saw Pyotr Ivanovitch into the carriage, and darted back to the steps as though bethinking himself of what he had to do next.
Pyotr Ivanovitch had a special pleasure in the fresh air, after the smell of incense, of the corpse, and of carbolic acid. "'Where to?' asked the coachman. "'It's not too late.' I'll still go round to Fyodor Vasilievitch's. And Pyotr Ivanovitch drove there, and he did, in fact, find them just finishing the first rubber, so that he came just at the right time to take a hand.
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2 Chapter 02 19:54
The previous history of Ivan Ilyitch was the simplest, the most ordinary, and the most awful. Ivan Ilyitch died at the age of forty-five, a member of the Judicial Council. He was the son of an official whose career in Petersburg, through various ministries and departments, had been such as leads people into that position in which, though it is distinctly obvious that they are unfit to perform any kind of real duty, they yet cannot, owing to their long-past service and their official rank, be dismissed, and they therefore receive a specially created fictitious post, and by no means fictitious thousands, from six to ten, On which they go on living till extreme old age. Such was the privy councillor, the superfluous member of various superfluous institutions, Ilya Efimovitch Golovine.
He had three sons. Ivan Ilyitch was the second son. The eldest son's career was exactly like his father's, only in a different department, and he was by now close upon that stage in the service in which the same sinecure would be reached. The third son was the unsuccessful one. He had, in various positions, always made a mess of things, and was now employed in the railway department. And his father and his brothers, and still more their wives, did not merely dislike meeting him, but avoided, except in extreme necessity, recollecting his existence. His sister had married Baron Gref, a Petersburg official of the same stamp as his father-in-law. Ivan Ilyitch was le Phoenix de la Femille, as people said.
He was not so frigid and precise as the eldest son, nor so wild as the youngest. He was the happy mien between them, a shrewd, lively, pleasant, and well-bred man. He had been educated with his younger brother at the School of Jurisprudence. The younger brother had not finished the school course, but was expelled when in the fifth class. Ivan Ilyitch completed the course successfully. At school he was just the same as he was later on all his life, an intelligent fellow, highly good-humored and sociable, but strict in doing what he considered to be his duty. His duty he considered whatever was so considered by those persons who were set in authority over him. He was not a toady as a boy, nor later on as a grown-up person, but from his earliest years he was attracted, as a fly to the light, to persons of good standing in the world, Assimilated their manners and their views of life, and established friendly relations with them.
All the enthusiasms of childhood and youth passed, leaving no great traces in him. He gave way to sensuality and to vanity, and latterly, when in the higher classes at school, to liberalism, but always keeping within certain limits which were unfailingly marked out for him by his instincts. At school he had committed actions which had struck him beforehand as great vileness, and gave him a feeling of loathing for himself at the very time he was committing them. But later on, perceiving that such actions were committed also by men of good position, and were not regarded by them as base, he was able, not to regard them as good, but to forget about them completely, and was never mortified by recollections of them.
Leaving the school of jurisprudence in the tenth class, and receiving from his father a sum of money for his outfit, Ivan Ilyitch ordered his clothes at Charmer's, hung on his watch-chain a medallion inscribed Respice Finem, said good-bye to the prince who was the principal of his school, had a farewell dinner with his comrades at Donan's, and with all his new fashionable belongings, travelling trunk, linen, suits of clothes, shaving and toilet appurtenances, and travelling rug, All ordered and purchased at the very best shops. Set off to take the post of secretary on special commissions for the governor of a province, a post which had been obtained for him by his father. In the province, Ivan Ilyich, without loss of time, made himself a position as easy and agreeable as his position had been in the school of jurisprudence.
He did his work, made his career, and at the same time led a life of well-bred social gaiety. Occasionally he visited various districts on official duty, behaved with dignity both with his superiors and his inferiors, and with exactitude and an incorruptible honesty, of which he could not help feeling proud, performed the duties with which he was intrusted, principally having to do with the dissenters. When engaged in official work, he was, in spite of his youth and taste for frivolous amusements, exceedingly reserved, official, and even severe. But in social life he was often amusing and witty, and always good-natured, well-bred and bon enfant, as was said of him by his chief and his chief's wife, with whom he was like one of the family.
In the province there was, too, a connection with one of the ladies who obtruded their charms on the stylish young lawyer. There was a dressmaker, too, and there were drinking-bouts with smart officers visiting the neighborhood, and visits to a certain outlying street after supper. There was a rather cringing obsequiousness in his behavior, too, with his chief, and even his chief's wife. But all this was accompanied with such a tone of the highest breeding that it could not be called by harsh names. It all came under the rubric of the French saying, Il faut que la jeunesse se passe. Everything was done with clean hands, in clean shirts, with French phrases, and, what was of most importance, in the highest society.
And consequently, with the approval of people of rank. Such was Ivan Ilyich's career for five years, and then came a change in his official life. New methods of judicial procedure were established. New men were wanted to carry them out. And Ivan Ilyich became such a new man. Ivan Ilyich was offered the post of examining magistrate, and he accepted it. In spite of the fact that this post was in another province, and he would have to break off all the ties he had formed, and form new ones. Ivan Ilyich's friends met together to see him off, had their photographs taken in a group, presented him with a silver cigarette case, and he set off to his new post.
As an examining magistrate, Ivan Ilyich was as comme il faut, as well-bred, as adroit in keeping official duties apart from private life. and as successful in gaining universal respect as he had been as Secretary of Private Commissions. The duties of his new office were in themselves of far greater interest and attractiveness for Ivan Ilyitch. In his former post, it had been pleasant to pass, in his smart uniform from Charmer's, through the crowd of petitioners and officials waiting timorously and envying him, and to march with his easy swagger straight into the governor's private room, there to sit down with him to tea and cigarettes. But the persons directly subject to his authority were few.
The only such persons were the district police superintendents and the dissenters, when he was serving on special commissions. And he liked treating such persons affably, almost like comrades, liked to make them feel that he, able to annihilate them, was behaving in this simple, friendly way with them. But such people were then few in number. Now, as an examining magistrate, Ivan Ilyitch felt that every one, every one without exception, the most dignified, the most self-satisfied people, all were in his hands. And that he had but to write certain words on a sheet of paper with a printed heading, and this dignified, self-satisfied person would be brought before him in the capacity of a defendant or a witness, and if he did not care to make him sit down, he would have to stand up before him and answer his questions.
Ivan Ilyitch never abused this authority of his. On the contrary, he tried to soften the expression of it. But the consciousness of this power, and the possibility of softening its effect, constituted for him the chief interest and attractiveness of his new position. In the work itself, in the preliminary inquiries, that is, Ivan Ilyitch very rapidly acquired the art of setting aside every consideration irrelevant to the official aspect of the case, and of reducing every case, however complex, to that form in which it could, in a purely external fashion, be put on paper, completely excluding his personal view of the matter. and what was of paramount importance, observing all the necessary formalities.
All this work was new, and he was one of the first men who put into practical working the reforms in judicial procedure enacted in 1864. On settling in a new town in his position as examining magistrate, Ivan Ilyitch made new acquaintances, formed new ties, took up a new line, and adopted a rather different attitude. He took up an attitude of somewhat dignified aloofness towards the provincial authorities, while he picked out the best circle among the legal gentlemen and wealthy gentry living in the town, and adopted a tone of slight dissatisfaction with the government, moderate liberalism, and lofty civic virtue. With this, while making no change in the elegance of his get-up, Ivan Ilyitch, in his new office, gave up shaving, and left his beard free to grow as it liked.
Ivan Ilyich's existence in the new town proved to be very agreeable. The society which took the line of opposition to the governor was friendly and good. His income was larger, and he found a source of increased enjoyment in whist at which he began to play at this time, and having a faculty for playing cards good-humouredly and being rapid and exact in his calculations, he was, as a rule, on the winning side. After living two years in the new town, Ivan Ilyich met his future wife. Preskovya Fyodorovna Mihel was the most attractive, clever, and brilliant girl in the set in which Ivan Ilyich moved. Among other amusements and recreations, after his labours as a magistrate, Ivan Ilyich started a light, playful flirtation with Preskovya Fyodorovna.
Ivan Ilyich, when he was an assistant secretary, had danced as a rule. As an examining magistrate, he danced only as an exception. He danced now, as it were, under protest, as though to show that, though I am serving on the new reformed legal code, and am of the fifth class in official rank, still, if it comes to a question of dancing, in that line, too, I can do better than others. In this spirit, he danced, now and then, toward the end of the evening, with Preskovya Fyodorovna. And it was principally during these dances that he won the heart of Preskovya Fyodorovna. She fell in love with him. Ivan Ilyitch had no clearly defined intention of marrying, but when the girl fell in love with him, he put the question to himself.
After all, why not get married? He said to himself. The young lady, Preskovya Fyodorovna, was of good family, nice-looking. There was a little bit of property. Ivan Ilyich might have reckoned on a more brilliant match, but this was a good match. Ivan Ilyich had his salary. She, he hoped, would have as much of her own. It was a good family. She was a sweet, pretty, and perfectly Camille Faux young woman. To say that Ivan Ilyich got married because he fell in love with his wife and found her in sympathy with his views of life would be as untrue as to say that he got married because the people of his world approved of the match. Ivan Ilyitch was influenced by both considerations. He was doing what was agreeable to himself in securing such a wife, and at the same time doing what persons of higher standing looked upon as the correct thing.
And Ivan Ilyitch got married. The process itself of getting married, and the early period of married life, with the conjugal caresses, the new furniture, the new crockery, the new house-linen, all up to the time of his wife's pregnancy went off very well, so that Ivan Ilyitch had already begun to think that, so far from marriage breaking up that kind of frivolous, agreeable, lighthearted life, always decorous, and always approved by society, which he regarded as the normal life, it would even increase its agreeableness. But at that point, in the early months of his wife's pregnancy, there came in a new element, unexpected, unpleasant, Tiresome and unseemly, which could never have been anticipated and from which there was no escape.
His wife, without any kind of reason, it seemed to Ivan Ilyitch, de gaiti de cour, as he expressed it, began to disturb the agreeableness and decorum of their life. She began, without any sort of justification, to be jealous, exacting in her demands on his attention, squabbled over everything, and treated him to the coarsest and most unpleasant scenes. At first Ivan Ilyitch hoped to escape from the unpleasantness of this position by taking up the same frivolous and well-bred line that had served him well on other occasions of difficulty. He endeavored to ignore his wife's ill-humor, went on living light-heartedly and agreeably as before, invited friends to play cards, tried to get away himself to the club or to his friends.
But his wife began on one occasion with such energy Abusing him in such coarse language, and so obstinately persisted in her abuse of him every time he failed in carrying out her demands, obviously having made up her mind firmly to persist till he gave way—that is, stayed at home and was as dull as she was—that Ivan Ilyitch took alarm. He perceived that matrimony, at least with his wife, was not invariably conducive to the pleasures and proprieties of life, but, on the contrary, often destructive of them. And that it was therefore essential to erect some barrier to protect himself from these disturbances. And Ivan Ilyitch began to look about for such means of protecting himself. His official duties were the only thing that impressed Preskovya Fyodorovna, and Ivan Ilyitch began to use his official position, and the duties arising from it, in his struggle with his wife to fence off his own independent world apart.
With the birth of the baby, the attempts at nursing it, and the various unsuccessful experiments with foods, with the illnesses, real and imaginary, of the infant and its mother, in which Ivan Ilyitch was expected to sympathize, though he never had the slightest idea about them, the need for him to fence off a world apart for himself outside his family life became still more imperative. As his wife grew more irritable and exacting, So did Ivan Ilyitch more and more transfer the centre of gravity of his life to his official work. He became fonder and fonder of official life, and more ambitious than he had been.
Very quickly, not more than a year after his wedding, Ivan Ilyitch had become aware that conjugal life, though providing certain comforts, was, in reality, a very intricate and difficult business towards which one must, if one is to do one's duty, that is, lead the decorous life approved by society, work out for oneself a definite line, just as in the government service. And such a line Ivan Ilyich did work out for himself in his merry life. He expected from his home life only those comforts, of dinner at home, of housekeeper, and bed, which it could give him, and, above all, that perfect propriety in external observances required by public opinion. For the rest, he looked for good-humored pleasantness, and if he found it, he was very thankful.
If he met with antagonism and querulousness, he promptly retreated into the separate world he had shut off for himself in his official life, and there he found solace. Ivan Ilyitch was prized as a good official, and three years later he was made assistant public prosecutor. The new duties of this position, their dignity, the possibility of bringing anyone to trial and putting anyone in prison, the publicity of the speeches, and the success Ivan Ilyitch had in that part of his work. All this made his official work still more attractive to him. Children were born to him. His wife became steadily more querulous and ill-tempered. But the line Ivan Ilyitch had taken up for himself in home life put him almost out of reach of her grumbling.
After seven years of service in the same town, Ivan Ilyitch was transferred to another province with the post of public prosecutor. They moved, money was short, and his wife did not like the place they had moved to. The salary was indeed a little higher than before, but their expenses were larger. Besides, a couple of children died, and home life consequently became even less agreeable for Ivan Ilyitch. For every mischance that occurred in their new place of residence, Preskovya Fyodorovna blamed her husband. The greater number of subjects of conversation between husband and wife, especially the education of the children, led to questions which were associated with previous quarrels, and quarrels were ready to break out at every instant.
There remained only those rare periods of being in love which did indeed come upon them, but never lasted long. These were the islands at which they put in for a time, but they soon set off again upon the ocean of concealed hostility that was made manifest in their aloofness from one another. This aloofness might have distressed Ivan Ilyitch if he had believed that this ought not to be so, but by now he regarded this position as perfectly normal, And it was, indeed, the goal toward which he worked in his home life. His aim was to make himself more and more free from the unpleasant aspects of domestic life, and to render them harmless and decorous. And he attained this aim by spending less and less time with his family.
And when he was forced to be at home, he endeavored to secure his tranquility by the presence of outsiders. The great thing for Ivan Ilyitch was having his office. In the official world, all the interest of life was concentrated for him, and this interest absorbed him. The sense of his own power, the consciousness of being able to ruin anyone he wanted to ruin, even the external dignity of his office, when he made his entry into the court or met subordinate officials, his success in the eyes of his superiors and his subordinates, and, above all, his masterly handling of cases, of which he was conscious. All this delighted him. And, together with, chat with his colleagues, dining out, and whist, filled his life.
So that, on the whole, Ivan Ilyitch's life still went on in the way he thought it should go, agreeably and decorously. So he lived for another seven years. His eldest daughter was already sixteen. Another child had died. And there was left only one other, a boy at the high school, a subject of dissension. Ivan Ilyich wanted to send him to the school of jurisprudence, while Preskovia Fyodorovna, to spite him, sent him to the high school. The daughter had been educated at home, and had turned out well. The boy, too, did fairly well at his lessons.
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3 Chapter 03 18:31
Such was Ivan Ilyich's life for seventeen years after his marriage. He had been by now a long-while prosecutor, and had refused several appointments offered him, looking out for a more desirable post, when there occurred an unexpected incident which utterly destroyed his peace of mind. Ivan Ilyich had been expecting to be appointed presiding judge in a university town, but a certain Gop somehow stole a march on him and secured the appointment. Ivan Ilyich took offense, began upbraiding him, and quarreled with him and with his own superiors. A coolness was felt towards him, and on the next appointment that was made he was again passed over. This was in the year 1880. That year was the most painful one in Ivan Ilyich's life.
During that year it became evident, on the one hand, that his pay was insufficient for his expenses, on the other hand, that he had been forgotten by everyone, and that what seemed to him the most monstrous, the crudest injustice, appeared to other people as a quite commonplace fact. Even his father felt no obligation to assist him. He felt that everyone had deserted him, and that everyone regarded his position with an income of three thousand five hundred roubles as a quite normal and even fortunate one. He alone, with a sense of the injustice done him, and the everlasting nagging of his wife, and the debts he had begun to accumulate, living beyond his means, knew that his position was far from being normal.
The summer of that year, to cut down his expenses, he took a holiday and went with his wife to spend the summer in the country at her brother's. In the country, with no official duties to occupy him, Ivan Ilyitch was for the first time a prey not to simple boredom, but to intolerable depression. And he made up his mind that things could not go on like that, and that it was absolutely necessary to take some decisive steps. After a sleepless night spent by Ivan Ilyitch walking up and down the terrace, he determined to go to Petersburg to take active steps and to get transferred to some other department so as to revenge himself on them—the people, that is, who had not known how to appreciate him.
Next day, in spite of all the efforts of his wife and his mother-in-law to dissuade him, he set off to Petersburg. He went with a single object before him—the To obtain a post with an income of five thousand. He was ready now to be satisfied with a post in any department, of any tendency, with any kind of work. He must only have a post, a post with five thousand, in the executive department, the banks, the railways, the Empress Maria's institutions, even in the customs duties. What was essential was five thousand. And essential it was, too, to get out of the department in which they had failed to appreciate his value. And, behold, this quest of Ivan Ilyich's was crowned with wonderful, unexpected success.
At Kursk there got into the same first-class carriage, F. S. Ilyan, an acquaintance, who told him of a telegram just received by the governor of Kursk, announcing a change about to take place in the ministry. Pyotr Ivanovitch was to be superseded by Ivan Semyonovich. The proposed change, apart from its significance for Russia, had special significance for Ivan Ilyich from the fact that, by bringing to the front a new person, Pyotr Petrovitch, and obviously, therefore, his friend, Zahar Ivanovitch, it was in the highest degree propitious to Ivan Ilyich's own plans. Zahar Ivanovitch was a friend and schoolfellow of Ivan Ilyich's. At Moscow, the news was confirmed. On arriving at Petersburg, Ivan Ilyich looked up Zahar Ivanovitch, and received a positive promise of an appointment in his former department, that of Justice.
A week later, he telegraphed to his wife, Zahar Miller's Place. At first report, I receive appointment. Thanks to these changes, Ivan Ilyich unexpectedly obtained in the same department as before, an appointment which placed him two stages higher than his former colleagues, and gave him an income of five thousand, together with the official allowance of three thousand five hundred for travelling expenses. All his ill-humour with his former enemies and the whole department was forgotten, and Ivan Ilyich was completely happy. Ivan Ilyich went back to the country, more light-hearted and good-tempered than he had been for a very long while. Praskovya Fyodorovna was in better spirits, too, and peace was patched up between them.
Ivan Ilyitch described what respect everyone had shown him in Petersburg, how all those who had been his enemies had been put to shame, and were cringing now before him, how envious they were of his appointment, and still more of the high favour in which he stood at Petersburg. Praskovya Fyodorovna listened to this, and pretended to believe it, and did not contradict him in anything. But confined herself to making plans for her new arrangements in the town to which they would be moving. And Ivan Ilyich saw with delight that these plans were his plans, that they were agreed, and that his life after this disturbing hitch in its progress was about to regain its true, normal character of lighthearted agreeableness and propriety.
Ivan Ilyich had come back to the country for a short stay only. He had to enter upon the duties of his new office on the 10th of September. And besides, he needed some time to settle in a new place, to move all his belongings from the other province, to purchase in order many things in addition, in short, to arrange things as settled in his own mind, and almost exactly as settled in the heart, too, of Preskovya Fyodorovna. And now, when everything was so successfully arranged, and when he and his wife were agreed in their aim, and were, besides, so little together. They got on with one another as they had not got on together since the early years of their married life. Ivan Ilyich had thought of taking his family away with him at once, but his sister and his brother-in-law, who had suddenly become extremely cordial and intimate with him and his family, were so pressing in urging them to stay that he set off alone.
Ivan Ilyich started off, and the light-hearted temper produced by his success And his good understanding with his wife, one thing backing up another, did not desert him all the time. He found a charming set of apartments, the very thing both husband and wife had dreamed of. Spacious, lofty reception rooms in the old style, a comfortable, dignified-looking study for him, rooms for his wife and daughter, a schoolroom for his son, everything as though planned on purpose for them. Ivan Ilyitch himself looked after the furnishing of them, chose the wall-papers, bought furniture, by preference antique furniture which had a peculiar Camille-Faux style to his mind, and it all grew up and grew up, and really attained the ideal he had set before himself.
When he had half finished arranging the house, his arrangement surpassed his own expectations. He saw the Camille-Faux character, elegant and free from vulgarity that the whole would have when it was all ready. As he fell asleep, he pictured to himself the reception room as it would be. Looking at the drawing room, not yet finished, he could see the hearth, the screen, the étagere, and the little chairs dotted here and there, the plates and dishes on the wall, and the bronzes as they would be when they were all put in their places. He was delighted with the thought of how he would impress Prescovia and Lissanka, who had taste, too, in this line. They would never expect anything like it. He was particularly successful in coming across and buying cheap old pieces of furniture, which gave a peculiarly aristocratic air to the whole.
In his letters he purposely disparaged everything so as to surprise them. All this so absorbed him that the duties of his new office, though he was so fond of his official work, interested him less than he had expected. During sittings of the court, he had moments of inattention. He pondered the question, which sort of cornices to have on the window-blinds, straight or fluted. He was so interested in this business that he often set to work with his own hands, moved a piece of furniture, or hung up curtains himself. One day he went up a ladder to show a workman, who did not understand, how he wanted some hangings draped, Made a false step and slipped, but like a strong and nimble person, he clung on and only knocked his side against the corner of a frame.
The bruised place ached, but it soon passed off. Ivan Ilyitch felt all this time particularly good-humored and well. He wrote, "'I feel fifteen years younger.' He thought his house-furnishing would be finished in September, but it dragged on to the middle of October. But then the effect was charming. Not he only said so, but everyone who saw it told him so, too.
In reality, it was all just what is commonly seen in the houses of people who are not exactly wealthy, but want to look like wealthy people, and so succeed only in being like one another. Hangings, dark wood, flowers, rugs, and bronzes, everything dark and highly polished, Everything that all people of a certain class have so as to be like all people of a certain class. And in his case it was all so like that it made no impression at all, but it all seemed to him somehow special. When he met his family at the railway station and brought them to his newly-furnished rooms, all lighted up in readiness, and a footman in a white tie opened the door into an entry decorated with flowers, And then they walked into the drawing-room in the study, uttering cries of delight.
He was very happy, conducted them everywhere, eagerly drinking in their praises, and beaming with satisfaction. The same evening, while they talked about various things at tea, Preskovya Fyodorovna inquired about his fall, and he laughed and showed them how he had gone flying, and how he had frightened the upholsterer. "'It's as well I'm something of an athlete. Another man might have been killed.' And I got nothing worse than a blow here. When it's touched, it hurts, but it's going off already, nothing but a bruise. And they began to live in their new abode, which, as is always the case, when they had got thoroughly settled in, they found to be short of just one room. And with their new income, which, as always, was only a little, some five hundred roubles, too little, and everything went very well.
Things went particularly well at first, before everything was quite finally arranged, and there was still something to do to the place—something to buy, something to order, something to move, something to make to fit. Though there were, indeed, several disputes between husband and wife, both were so well satisfied, and there was so much to do, that it all went off without serious quarrels. When there was nothing left to arrange, it became a little dull, and something seemed to be lacking, But then they were making acquaintances and forming habits, and life was filled up again. Ivan Ilyitch, after spending the morning in the court, returned home to dinner, and at first he was generally in a good humor, although this was apt to be upset a little, and precisely on account of the new abode.
Every spot on the tablecloth, on the hangings, the string of a window blind broken, irritated him. He had devoted so much trouble to the arrangement of the rooms that any disturbance of their order distressed him. But on the whole, the life of Ivan Ilyitch ran its course as, according to his conviction, life ought to do, easily, agreeably, and decorously. He got up at nine, drank his coffee, read the newspaper, then put on his official uniform and went to the court. There the routine of the daily work was ready mapped out for him. And he stepped into it at once. People with petitions, inquiries in the office, the office itself, the sittings, public and preliminary. In all this, the great thing necessary was to exclude everything with the sap of life in it, which always disturbs the regular course of official business.
Not to admit any sort of relations with people, except the official relations. The motive of all intercourse had to be simply the official motive. and the intercourse itself to be only official. A man would come, for instance, anxious for certain information. Ivan Ilyich, not being the functionary on duty, would have nothing whatever to do with such a man. But if this man's relation to him as a member of the court is such as can be formulated on official stamped paper, within the limits of such a relation Ivan Ilyich would do everything, positively everything he could, and in doing so would observe the semblance of human friendly relations, that is, the courtesies of social life. But where the official relation ended, there everything else stopped too.
This art of keeping the official aspect of things, apart from his real life, Ivan Ilyitch possessed in the highest degree. And through long practice and natural aptitude, he had brought it to such a pitch of perfection that he even permitted himself at times, like a skilled specialist, as it were, in jest, to let the human and official relations mingle. He allowed himself this liberty just because he felt he had the power at any moment, if he wished it, to take up the purely official line again and to drop the human relation. This thing was not simply easy, agreeable, and decorous. In Ivan Ilyich's hands it attained a positively artistic character. In the intervals of business he smoked, drank tea, Chatted a little about politics, a little about public affairs, a little about cards, but most of all about appointments in the service.
And tired, but feeling like some artist who has skilfully played his part in the performance, one of the first violins in the orchestra, he returned home. At home his daughter and her mother had been paying calls somewhere, or else someone had been calling on them. The son had been at school, had been preparing his lessons with his teachers, and duly learning correctly what was taught at the high school. Everything was as it should be. After dinner, if there were no visitors, Ivan Ilyitch sometimes read some book of which people were talking, and in the evening sat down to work, that is, read official papers, compared them with the laws, sorted depositions, and put them under the laws. This he found neither tiresome nor entertaining.
It was tiresome when he might have been playing screw, but if there were no screw going on, it was anyway better than sitting alone or with his wife. Ivan Ilyitch's pleasures were little dinners, to which he invited ladies and gentlemen of good social position, and such methods of passing the time with them as were usual with such persons, so that his drawing-room might be like all other drawing-rooms. Once they even gave a party—a dance. And Ivan Ilyitch enjoyed it, and everything was very successful, except that it led to a violent quarrel with his wife over the tarts and sweetmeats. Preskovya Fyodorovna had her own plan, while Ivan Ilyitch insisted on getting everything from an expensive pastry-cook, and ordered a great many tarts.
And the quarrel was because these tarts were left over, and the pastry-cook's bill came to forty-five roubles. The quarrel was a violent and unpleasant one, so much so that Preskovya Fyodorovna called him, fool, imbecile, and he clutched at his head, and in his anger made some allusion to a divorce. But the party itself was enjoyable. There were all the best people, and Ivan Ilyitch danced with Princess Trufinoff, the sister of the one so well known in connection with the charitable association called Bear My Burden. His official pleasures lay in the gratification of his pride. His social pleasures lay in the gratification of his vanity. But Ivan Ilyich's most real pleasure was the pleasure of playing screw, the Russian equivalent for poker.
He admitted to himself that, after all, after whatever unpleasant incidents there had been in his life, the pleasure which burned like a candle before all others was sitting with good players, and not noisy partners, at screw, And, of course, a four-hand game. Playing with five was never a success, though one pretends to like it particularly. And with good cards, to play a shrewd, serious game, then supper and a glass of wine. And after screw, especially after winning some small stakes, winning large sums was unpleasant, Ivan Ilyitch went to bed in a particularly happy frame of mind. So they lived. They moved in the very best circle, and were visited by people of consequence, and young people.
In their views of their circle of acquaintances, the husband, the wife, and the daughter were in complete accord, and without any expressed agreement on the subject, they all acted alike in dropping and shaking off various friends and relations, shabby persons who swooped down upon them in their drawing-room with Japanese plates on the walls, and pressed their civilities on them. Soon these shabby persons ceased fluttering about them, and none but the very best society was seen at the Gullovines. Young men began to pay attention to Lizanka, and Petrushev, the son of Dmitri Ivanovitch Petrushev, and the sole heir of his fortune, an examining magistrate, began to be so attentive to Lizanka that Ivan Ilyitch had raised the question with his wife whether it would not be as well to arrange a sledge drive for them, or to get up some theatricals.
So they lived, and everything went on in this way without change, and everything was very nice.
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4 Chapter 04 18:05
All were in good health. One could not use the word ill-health in connection with the symptoms Ivan Ilyich sometimes complained of, namely, a queer taste in his mouth and a sort of uncomfortable feeling on the left side of the stomach. But it came to pass that this uncomfortable feeling kept increasing, and became not exactly a pain, but a continual sense of weight in his side, an irritable temper. This irritable temper, continually growing and growing, began at last to mar the agreeable easiness and decorum that had reigned in the Golovin household. Quarrels between the husband and wife became more and more frequent, and soon all the easiness and amenity of life had fallen away, and mere propriety was maintained with difficulty.
Scenes became again more frequent. Again there were only islands in the sea of contention, and but few of these, at which the husband and wife could meet without an outbreak. And Preskovya Fyodorovna said now, not without grounds, that her husband had a trying temper. With her characteristic exaggeration, she said he had always had this awful temper, and she had needed all her sweetness to put up with it for twenty years. It was true that it was he now who began the quarrels. His gusts of temper always broke out just before dinner, and often just as he was beginning to eat at the soup. He would notice that some piece of the crockery had been chipped Or that the food was not nice, or that his son put his elbow on the table, or his daughter's hair was not arranged as he liked it.
And whatever it was, he laid the blame of it on Preskovya Fyodorovna. Preskovya Fyodorovna had at first retorted in the same strain, and said all sorts of horrid things to him. But on two occasions, just at the beginning of dinner, he had flown into such a frenzy that she perceived that it was due to physical derangement and was brought on by taking food, and she controlled herself. She did not reply, but simply made haste to get dinner over. Praskovya Fyodorovna took great credit to herself for this exercise of self-control. Making up her mind that her husband had a fearful temper and made her life miserable, she began to feel sorry for herself. And the more she felt for herself, the more she hated her husband.
She began to wish he were dead, yet could not wish it, because then there would be no income. And this exasperated her against him even more. She considered herself dreadfully unfortunate, precisely because even his death could not save her, and she felt irritated and concealed it, and this hidden irritation on her side increased his irritability. After one violent scene, in which Ivan Ilyitch had been particularly unjust, and after which he had said in explanation that he certainly was irritable, but that it was due to illness, she said that if he were ill he ought to take steps, and insisted on his going to see a celebrated doctor. He went. Everything was as he had expected. Everything was as it always is.
The waiting and the assumption of dignity. that professional dignity he knew so well, exactly as he assumed it himself in court. And the sounding and listening, and questions that called for answers that were foregone conclusions, and obviously superfluous, and the significant air that seemed to insinuate, you only leave it all to us, and we will arrange everything. For us it is certain and incontestable how to arrange everything, everything in one way, for every man of every sort. It was all exactly as in his court of justice. Exactly the same air as he put on in dealing with a man brought up for judgment, the doctor put on for him. The doctor said, "'This and that proves that you have such and such a thing wrong inside you.
But if that is not confirmed by analysis of this and that, then we must assume this and that. If we assume this and that, then—' and so on. To Ivan Ilyich, there was only one question of consequence. Was his condition dangerous or not? But the doctor ignored that irrelevant inquiry. From the doctor's point of view, this was a side issue, not the subject under consideration. The only real question was the balance of probabilities between a loose kidney, chronic catarrh, and appendicitis. It was not a question of the life of Ivan Ilyich, but the question between the loose kidney and the intestinal appendix. In this question, as it seemed to Ivan Ilyitch, the doctor solved in a brilliant manner in favor of the appendix, with a reservation that analysis of the water might give a fresh clue, and that then the aspect of the case would be altered.
All this was point for point identical with what Ivan Ilyitch had himself done in brilliant fashion a thousand times over in dealing with some man on his trial. Just as brilliantly, the doctor made his summing up. And triumphantly, gaily even, glanced over his spectacles at the prisoner in the dock. From the doctor's summing up, Ivan Ilyitch deduced the conclusion that things looked bad, and that he, the doctor, and most likely everyone else, did not care, but that things looked bad for him. And this conclusion impressed Ivan Ilyitch morbidly, arousing in him a great feeling of pity for himself. of great anger against this doctor who could be unconcerned about a matter of such importance. But he said nothing of that.
He got up, and laying the fee on the table, he said, with a sigh, "'We sick people probably often ask inconvenient questions. Tell me, is this generally a dangerous illness or not?' The doctor glanced severely at him with one eye through his spectacles, as though to say—' Prisoner at the bar, if you will not keep within the limits of the questions allowed you, I shall be compelled to take measures for your removal from the precincts of the court. I have told you what I thought necessary and suitable already," said the doctor. The analysis will show anything further. And the doctor bowed him out. Ivan Ilyitch went out slowly and dejectedly, got into his sledge, and drove home. All the way home he was incessantly going over all the doctor had said, trying to translate all these complicated, obscure scientific phrases into simple language, and to read in them an answer to the question, It's bad.
Is it very bad? Or nothing much as yet? And it seemed to him that the upshot of all the doctor had said was that it was very bad. Everything seemed dismal to Ivan Ilyich in the streets. The sledge-drivers were dismal, the houses were dismal, the people passing, and the shops were dismal. This ache, this dull, gnawing ache, that never ceased for a second, seemed, when connected with the doctor's obscure utterances, to have gained a new, more serious significance. With a new sense of misery, Ivan Ilyitch kept watch on it now. He reached home and began to tell his wife about it. His wife listened, But in the middle of his account, his daughter came in with her hat on, ready to go out with her mother.
Reluctantly, she half sat down to listen to these tedious details, but she could not stand it for long, and her mother did not hear his story to the end. "'Well, I'm very glad,' said his wife. "'Now, you must be sure and take the medicine regularly. Give me the prescription. I'll send Gerasim to the chemists.' And she went to get ready to go out. He had not taken breath while she was in the room, and he heaved a deep sigh when she was gone. "'Well,' he said, "'maybe it really is nothing as yet.' He began to take the medicine, to carry out the doctor's directions, which were changed after the analysis of the water. But it was just at this point that some confusion arose, either in the analysis or in what ought to have followed from it.
The doctor himself, of course, could not be blamed for it, but it turned out that things had not gone as the doctor had told him. Either he had forgotten, or told a lie, or was hiding something from him. But Ivan Ilyitch still went on just as exactly carrying out the doctor's direction, and in doing so he found comfort at first.
From the time of his visit to the doctor, Ivan Ilyich's principal occupation became the exact observance of the doctor's prescriptions as regards hygiene and medicine, and the careful observation of his ailment in all the functions of his organism. Ivan Ilyich's principal interest came to be people's ailments and people's health. When anything was said in his presence about sick people, about deaths and recoveries, especially in the case of an illness resembling his own, he listened to Trying to conceal his excitement, asked questions, and applied what he heard to his own trouble. The ache did not grow less, but Ivan Ilyitch made great efforts to force himself to believe that he was better. And he succeeded in deceiving himself, so long as nothing happened to disturb him.
But as soon as he had a mischance, some unpleasant words with his wife, a failure in his official work, an unlucky hand at screw, He was at once acutely sensible of his illness. In former days he had borne with such mishaps, hoping soon to retrieve the mistake, to make a struggle, to reach success later, to have a lucky hand. But now he was cast down by every mischance, and reduced to despair. He would say to himself, "'Here I'm only just beginning to get better, and the medicine has begun to take effect, and now this mischance or disappointment.'" And he was furious against the mischance or the people who were causing him the disappointment in killing him, and he felt that this fury was killing him, but could not check it.
One would have thought that it should have been clear to him that this exasperation against circumstances and people was aggravating his disease, and that therefore he ought not to pay attention to the unpleasant incidents. But his reasoning took quite the opposite direction. He said that he needed peace, and was on the watch for everything that disturbed his peace, and at the slightest disturbance of it he flew into a rage. What made his position worse was that he read medical books and consulted doctors. He got worse so gradually that he might have deceived himself, comparing one day with another, the difference was so slight. But when he consulted the doctors, then it seemed to him that he was getting worse, and very rapidly so indeed.
And in spite of this, he was continually consulting the doctors. That month he called on another celebrated doctor. The second celebrity said almost the same as the first, but put his questions differently. And the interview with this celebrity only redoubled the doubts and terrors of Ivan Ilyich. A friend of a friend of his, a very good doctor, diagnosed the disease quite differently. And in spite of the fact that he guaranteed recovery, by his questions and his suppositions he confused Ivan Ilyitch even more and strengthened his suspicions. A homopath gave yet another diagnosis of the complaint and prescribed medicine, which Ivan Ilyitch took secretly for a week. But after a week of the homopathic medicine he felt no relief.
And losing faith both in the other doctor's treatment and in this, he fell into even deeper depression. One day a lady of his acquaintance talked to him of the healing wrought by the holy pictures. Ivan Ilyitch caught himself listening attentively, and believing in the reality of the facts alleged. This incident alarmed him. "'Can I have degenerated to such a point of intellectual feebleness?' he said to himself. "'Nonsense. It's all rubbish. I must not give way to nervous fears, but fixing on one doctor adheres strictly to his treatment.' That's what I will do. Now it's settled. I won't think about it, but till next summer I will stick to the treatment, and then I shall see. Now I'll put a stop to this wavering.
It was easy to say this, but impossible to carry it out. The pain in his side was always dragging at him, seeming to grow more acute and ever more incessant. It seemed to him that the taste in his mouth was queerer. And there was a loathsome smell, even from his breath, and his appetite and strength kept dwindling. There was no deceiving himself. Something terrible, new, and so important that nothing more important had ever been in Ivan Ilyitch's life, was taking place in him, and he alone knew of it. All about him did not or would not understand, and believed that everything in the world was going on as before. This was what tortured Ivan Ilyitch more than anything. Those of his own household, most of all his wife and daughter, who were absorbed in a perfect whirl of visits, did not, he saw, comprehend it at all, and were annoyed that he was so depressed and exacting as though he were to blame for it.
Though they tried indeed to disguise it, he saw he was a nuisance to them, but that his wife had taken up a definite line of her own in regard to his illness, and stuck to it regardless of what he might say and do. This line was expressed thus. "'You know,' she would say to acquaintances, "'Ivan Ilyitch cannot, like all other simple-hearted folks, keep to the treatment prescribed him. One day he'll take his drops and eat what he's ordered and go to bed in good time. The next day, if I don't see to it, he'll suddenly forget to take his medicine, eat sturgeon, which is forbidden by the doctors. Yes, and sit up at screw till past midnight.' Why, when did I do that? Ivan Ilyich asked in vexation one day at Pyotr Ivanovitch's.
Why, yesterday, with Shebek? It makes no difference. I couldn't sleep for pain. Well, it doesn't matter what you do it for, only you'll never get well like that, and you make us wretched. Preskovya Fyodorovna's external attitude to her husband's illness, openly expressed to others and to himself. was that Ivan Ilyich was to blame in the matter of his illness, and that the whole illness was another injury he was doing to his wife. Ivan Ilyich felt that the expression of this dropped from her unconsciously, but that made it no easier for him. In his official life, too, Ivan Ilyich noticed, or fancied he noticed, a strange attitude to him. At one time, it seemed to him that people were looking inquisitively at him, as a man who would shortly have to vacate his position.
At another time, his friends would suddenly begin chaffing him in a friendly way over his nervous fears, as though that awful and horrible, unheard-of thing that was going on within him, incessantly gnawing at him, and irresistibly dragging him away somewhere, were the most agreeable subject for joking. Schwarz especially, with his jocoseness, his liveliness, and his camille-faux tone, exasperated Ivan Ilyitch by reminding him of himself ten years ago. Friends came sometimes to play cards. They sat down to the card-table. They shuffled and dealt the new cards. Diamonds were led, and followed by diamonds, the seven. His partner said, "'Can't trump,' and played the two of diamonds. What then?' Why, delightful, capital.
It should have been. He had a trump hand. And suddenly Ivan Ilyitch feels that gnawing ache, that taste in his mouth. And it strikes him as something grotesque that with that he could be glad of a trump hand. He looks at Mihael Mihaelovitch, his partner. How he taps on the table with his red hand, and affably and indulgently abstains from snatching up the trick, and pushes the cards towards Ivan Ilyich so as to give him the pleasure of taking them up, without any trouble, without even stretching out his hand. What, does he suppose that I'm so weak that I can't stretch out my hand? thinks Ivan Ilyich, and he forgets the trumps, and trumps his partner's cards, and plays his trump hand without making three tricks.
And what's the most awful thing of all is that he sees how upset Mihael Mihaelovitch is about it, while he doesn't care a bit, and it's awful for him to think why he doesn't care. They all see that he's in pain, and say to him, "'We can stop if you're tired. You go and lie down.' "'Lie down?' No, he's not in the least tired. They will play the rubber." All are gloomy and silent. Ivan Ilyich feels that it is he who has brought this gloom upon them, and he cannot disperse it. They have supper, and the party breaks up, and Ivan Ilyich is left alone with the consciousness that his life is poisoned for him, and poisons the life of others, and that this poison is not losing its force, but is continually penetrating more and more deeply into his whole existence.
And with the consciousness of this, and with the physical pain and addition, And the terror, in addition to that, he must lie in his bed, often not able to sleep for pain the greater part of the night. And in the morning he must get up again, dress, go to the law court, speak, write, or, if he does not go out, stay at home for all the four-and-twenty hours of the day and night, of which each one is a torture. And he had to live thus on the edge of the precipice alone, without one man who would understand and feel for him.
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5 Chapter 05 11:19
In this way, one month, then a second, passed by. Just before the new year, his brother-in-law arrived in the town on a visit to them. Ivan Ilyitch was at the court when he arrived. Preskovya Fyodorovna had gone out shopping. Coming home and going into his study, he found there his brother-in-law, a healthy, florid man, engaged in unpacking his trunk. He raised his head, hearing Ivan Ilyitch's step, and for a second stared at him without a word. That stare told Ivan Ilyitch everything. His brother-in-law opened his mouth to utter an, Oh, of surprise, but checked himself. That confirmed it all. What, have I changed? Yes, there is a change. And all Ivan Ilyitch's efforts to draw him into talking of his appearance, his brother-in-law met with obstinate silence.
Praskovya Fyodorovna came in. The brother-in-law went to see her. Ivan Ilyitch locked his door and began gazing at himself in the looking-glass, first full face, then in profile. He took up his photograph taken with his wife, and compared the portrait with what he saw in the looking-glass. The change was immense. Then he bared his arm to the elbow, looked at it, pulled the sleeve down again, sat down on an ottoman, and felt blacker than night.
"'I mustn't, I mustn't,' he said to himself. Jumped up, went to the table, opened some official paper, tried to read it, but could not. He opened the door, went into the drawing-room. The door into the drawing-room was closed. He went up to it on tiptoe and listened. "'No, you're exaggerating,' Preskovya Fyodorovna was saying.
"'Exaggerating? You can't see it. Why, he's a dead man. Look at his eyes. There's no light in them. But what's wrong with him?' "'No one can tell. Nikolaev—' That was another doctor. Said something, but I don't know. Leshtchitsky, this was the celebrated doctor, said the opposite.
Ivan Ilyich walked away, went to his own room, lay down and felt amusing. A kidney, a loose kidney. He remembered all the doctors had told him, how it had been detached and how it was loose, and by an effort of imagination he tried to catch that kidney and to stop it. To strengthen it. So little was needed, he fancied. No, I'll go again to Pyotr Ivanovitch. This was the friend who had a friend, a doctor. He rang, ordered the horse to be put in, and got ready to go out. Where are you off to, Jean? asked his wife, with a peculiarly melancholy and exceptionally kind expression. This exceptionally kind expression exasperated him. He looked darkly at her. I want to see Pyotr Ivanovitch. He went to the friend who had a friend, a doctor, and with him to the doctor's.
He found him in and had a long conversation with him. Reviewing the anatomical and physiological details of what, according to the doctor's view, was taking place within him, he understood it all. It was just one thing, a little thing, wrong with the intestinal appendix. It might all come right. Only strengthen one sluggish organ and decrease the undue activity of another, and absorption would take place, and all would be set right. He was a little late for dinner. He ate his dinner, talked cheerfully, but it was a long while before he could go to his own room to work. At last he went to his study, and at once sat down to work. He read his legal documents and did his work. But the consciousness never left him of having a matter of importance very near to his heart, which he had put off, but would look into later.
When he had finished his work, he remembered that the matter near his heart was thinking about the intestinal appendix. But he did not give himself up to it. He went into the drawing-room to tea. There were visitors, and there was talking, playing on the piano, and singing. There was the young examining magistrate, the desirable match for the daughter. Ivan Ilyitch spent the evening, as Preskovya Fyodorovna observed, in better spirits than any of them, but he never forgot for an instant that he had the important matter of the intestinal appendix put off for consideration later. At eleven o'clock he said good-night and went to his own room. He had slept alone since his illness in a little room adjoining his study.
He went in, undressed, and took up a novel of Zola, but did not read it. He fell to thinking, and in his imagination the desired recovery of the intestinal appendix had taken place. There had been absorption, rejection, re-establishment of the regular action. Why, it's all simply that, he said to himself. One only wants to assist nature. He remembered the medicine, got up, took it, lay down on his back, Watching for the medicine to act beneficially and overcome the pain.
It's only to take it regularly and avoid injurious influences. Why, already I feel rather better. Much better. He began to feel his side. It was not painful to the touch. Yes, I don't feel it. Really, much better already. He put out the candle and lay on his side. The appendix is getting better. Absorption.
Suddenly he felt the familiar old dull gnawing ache, persistent, quiet, in earnest. In his mouth the same familiar loathsome taste. His heart sank, his brain felt dim, misty. My God, my God, he said. Again, again, and it will never cease. And suddenly the whole thing rose before him in quite a different aspect. Intestinal appendix, kidney, he said to himself. It's not a question of the appendix, not a question of the kidney, but of life and death. Yes, life has been, and now it's going, going away, and I cannot stop it. Yes, why deceive myself? Isn't it obvious to everyone except me that I'm dying? And it's only a question of weeks, of days, at once perhaps. There was light, and now there is darkness.
I was here, and now I am going. Where? A cold chill ran over him. His breath stopped. He heard nothing but the throbbing of his heart.
I shall be no more. Then what will there be? There'll be nothing. Where, then, shall I be, when I'm no more? Can this be dying? No, I don't want to. He jumped up, tried to light the candle, and fumbling with trembling hands, he dropped the candle and the candlestick on the floor, and fell back again on the pillow.
Why trouble? It doesn't matter, he said to himself, staring with open eyes into the darkness. Death. Yes, death. And they, all of them, don't understand, and don't want to understand, and feel no pity. They are playing. He caught through the closed doors the far-away cadence of a voice and the accompaniment. They don't care, but they will die too. Fools! Me sooner and them later, but it will be the same for them. And they are Mary, the beasts. Anger stifled him. And he was agonizingly, insufferably miserable. It cannot be that all men always have been doomed to this awful horror. He raised himself. There is something wrong in it. I must be calm. I must think it all over from the beginning. And then he began to consider.
Yes, the beginning of my illness. I knocked my side, and I was just the same that day and the days after. It ached a little, and then more, then doctors, then depression, misery, and again doctors, and I've gone on getting closer and closer to the abyss. Strength growing less. Nearer and nearer. And here I am, wasting away, no light in my eyes. I think of how to cure the appendix. But this is death. Can it be death? Again a horror came over him. Gasping for breath, he bent over, began feeling for the matches, and knocked his elbow against the bedside table. It was in his way and hurt him. He felt furious with it, and his anger knocked against it more violently and upset it. And in despair, breathless, he fell back on his spine, waiting for death to come that instant.
The visitors were leaving at that time. Preskovya Fyodorovna was seeing them out. She heard something fall and came in. "'What is it?' "'Nothing. I dropped something by accident.' She went out, brought a candle. He was lying, breathing hard and fast, like a man who has run a mile, and staring with fixed eyes at her. "'What is it, Jean?' "'Nothing, I say. I dropped something.' Why speak? She won't understand, he thought. She certainly did not understand. She picked up the candle, lighted it for him, and went out hastily. She had to say good-bye to a departing guest. When she came back, he was lying in the same position on his back, looking upwards. "'How are you? Worse?' "'Yes.' She shook her head, sat down.
"'Do you know what, Jean?' I wonder if we hadn't better send for Leshtchitsky to see you here. This meant calling in the celebrated doctor regardless of expense. He smiled malignantly and said no. She sat a moment longer, went up to him, and kissed him on the forehead. He hated her with all the force of his soul when she was kissing him, and had to make an effort not to push her away.
Good night. Please, God, you'll sleep. Yes.
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6 Chapter 06 7:51
At the bottom of his heart, Ivan Ilyitch knew that he was dying, but so far from growing used to this idea, he simply did not grasp it. He was utterly unable to grasp it. The example of the syllogism that he had learned in Kizvater's logic Caius is a man, men are mortal, therefore Caius is mortal, had seemed to him all his life correct only as regards Caius, but not at all as regards himself. In that case, it was a question of Caius, a man, an abstract man, and it was perfectly true. But he was not Caius, and was not an abstract man. He had always been a creature quite, quite different from all others. He had been little Vanya, with a mamma and papa, and Mitya and Volodya, with playthings and a coachman and a nurse.
Afterwards, with Katenka, with all the joys and griefs and ecstasies of childhood, boyhood, and youth. What did Caius know of the smell of the leathern ball Vanya had been so fond of? Had Caius kissed his mother's hand like that? Caius had not heard the silk rustle of his mother's skirts. He had not made a riot at school over the pudding. Had Caius been in love like that? Could Caius preside over the sittings of the court? And Caius certainly was mortal, and it was right for him to die. But for me, little Vanya, Ivan Ilyich, with all my feelings and ideas, for me it's a different matter. And it cannot be that I ought to die. That would be too awful. That was his feeling. If I had to die like Caius, I should have known it was so.
Some inner voice would have told me so. But there was nothing of the sword in me, and I and all my friends, we felt that it was not at all the same as with Caius. And now here it is, he said to himself. It can't be. It can't be, but it is. How is it? How's one to understand it? And he could not conceive it, and tried to drive away this idea as false, incorrect, and morbid, and to supplant it by other, correct, healthy ideas. But this idea, not as an idea merely, but as it were an actual fact, came back again and stood confronting him. And to replace this thought, he called up other thoughts, one after another, in the hope of finding support in them. He tried to get back into former trains of thought, which in old days had screened off the thought of death.
But strange to say, all that had in old days covered up, obliterated the sense of death, could not now produce the same effect. Latterly, Ivan Ilyitch spent the greater part of his time in these efforts to restore his old trains of thought, which had shut off death. At one time he would say to himself, I'll put myself into my official work. Why, I used to live in it, and he would go to the law courts, banishing every doubt. He would enter into conversation with his colleagues, and would sit carelessly, as his old habit was, scanning the crowd below dreamily, and with both his wasted hands he would lean on the arms of the oak armchair, just as he always did, and bending over to a colleague, pass the papers to him and whisper to him.
Then suddenly, dropping his eyes and sitting up straight, he would pronounce the familiar words that opened the proceedings. But suddenly, in the middle, the pain in his side, utterly regardless of the stage he had reached in his conduct of the case, began its work. It riveted Ivan Ilyitch's attention. He drove away the thought of it, but it still did its work. And then it came, and stood confronting him, and looked at him, And he felt turned to stone, and the light dot away in his eyes, and he began to ask himself again, Can it be that it is the only truth? And his colleagues and his subordinates saw with surprise and distress that he, the brilliant subtle judge, was losing the thread of his speech, was making blunders.
He shook himself, tried to regain his self-control, and got somehow to the end of the sitting. and went home with the painful sense that his judicial labors could not, as of old, hide from him what he wanted to hide, that he could not, by means of his official work, escape from it. And the worst of it was that it drew him to itself, not for him to do anything in particular, but simply for him to look at it straight in the face, to look at it, and, doing nothing, suffer unspeakably. And to save himself from this, Ivan Ilyitch sought amusements, other screens. And these screens he found, and for a little while they did seem to save him. But soon again they were not so much broken down as let the light through, as though it pierced through everything, and there was nothing that could shut it off.
Sometimes during those days he would go into the drawing-room he had furnished, that drawing-room where he had fallen, for which, How bitterly ludicrous it was for him to think of it, for the decoration of which he had sacrificed his life, for he knew that it was that bruise that had started his illness. He went in and saw that the polished table had been scratched by something. He looked for the cause, and found it in the bronze clasps of the album, which had been twisted on one side. He took up the album, A costly one, which he had himself arranged with loving care, and was vexed at the carelessness of his daughter and her friends. Here a page was torn, here the photographs had been shifted out of their places.
He carefully put it to rights again, and bent the clasp back.
Then the idea occurred to him to move all this établissement of the albums to another corner where the flowers stood. He called the footman, or his daughter or his wife came to help him. They did not agree with him, contradicted him. He argued, got angry. But all that was very well, since he did not think of it. It was not in sight. But then his wife would say, as he moved something himself, Do let the servants do it. You'll hurt yourself again. And all at once it peeped through the screen. He caught a glimpse of it. He caught a glimpse of it, but still he hoped it would hide itself. Involuntarily, though, he kept watch on his side. There it is just the same still, aching still. And now he cannot forget it, and it is staring openly at him from behind the flowers.
What's the use of it all?
And it's the fact that here, at that curtain, as if it had been storming a fort, I lost my life. Is it possible? How awful, and how silly! It cannot be. It cannot be, and it is.
He went into his own room, lay down, and was again alone with it. Face to face with it, and nothing to be done with it. Nothing but to look at it and shiver.
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7 Chapter 07 10:30
How it came to pass during the third month of Ivan Ilyich's illness, it would be impossible to say, for it happened little by little, imperceptibly. But it had come to pass that his wife and his daughter and his son and their servants, and their acquaintances and the doctors, and, most of all, he himself, All were aware that all interest in him for other people consisted now in the question how soon he would leave his place empty, free the living from the constraint of his presence, and be set free himself from his sufferings. He slept less and less. They gave him opium and began to inject morphine. But this did not relieve him. The dull pain he experienced in the half-asleep condition at first only relieved him as a change.
But then it became as bad, or even more agonizing, than the open pain. He had special things to eat prepared for him, according to the doctor's prescriptions, but these dishes became more and more distasteful, more and more revolting to him. Special arrangements, too, had to be made for his other physical needs, and this was a continual misery to him. Misery from the uncleanliness, the unseemliness, and the stench, from the feeling of another person having to assist in it. But just from this most unpleasant side of his illness there came comfort to Ivan Ilyitch. There always came into his room on these occasions to clear up for him the peasant who waited at table, Gerasim. Gerasim was a clean, fresh, young peasant who had grown stout and hearty on the good fare in town, always cheerful and bright.
At first, the sight of this lad, always cleanly dressed in the Russian style, engaged in this revolting task, embarrassed Ivan Ilyitch. One day, getting up from the night-stool, too weak to replace his clothes, he dropped onto a soft, low chair and looked with horror at his bare, powerless thighs, with the muscles so sharply standing out on them. Then there came in, with light, strong steps, Gerasim in his thick boots, diffusing a pleasant smell of tar from his boots, and bringing in the freshness of the winter air. Wearing a clean, hempen apron and a clean, cotton shirt, With his sleeves tucked up on his strong, bare young arms, without looking at Ivan Ilyich, obviously trying to check the radiant happiness in his face so as not to hurt the sick man, he went up to the night-stool.
"'Gerasim,' said Ivan Ilyich faintly. Gerasim started, clearly afraid that he had done something amiss. And with a rapid movement turned towards the sick man, his fresh, good-natured, simple young face, just beginning to be downy with the first growth of beard. Yes, Your Honor? I'm afraid this is very disagreeable for you. You must excuse me. I can't help it.
Why, upon my word, sir—and Gerasim's eyes beamed, and he showed his white young teeth in a smile. What's a little trouble? It's a case of illness with you, sir. And with his deft, strong arms he performed his habitual task, and went out, stepping lightly. And five minutes later, treading just as lightly, he came back. Ivan Ilyitch was still sitting in the same way in the armchair. Gerasim, he said, when the latter had replaced the night-stool, all sweet and clean. Please help me. Come here. Gerasim went up to him. Lift me up. It's difficult for me alone, and I've sent Dmitri away.
Gerasim went up to him. As lightly as he stepped, he put his strong arms round him, deftly and gently lifted and supported him, with the other hand pulled up his trousers, and would have set him down again. But Ivan Ilyitch asked him to carry him to the sofa. Gerasim, without effort, carefully not squeezing him, led him, almost carrying him, to the sofa, and settled him there.
Thank you. How neatly and well you do everything. Gerasim smiled again and would have gone away, but Ivan Ilyitch felt his presence such a comfort that he was reluctant to let him go.
Oh, move that chair near me, please. No, that one, under my legs. I feel easier when my legs are higher.
Gerasim picked up the chair, and without letting it knock, set it gently down on the ground just at the right place, and lifted Ivan Ilyitch's legs onto it. It seemed to Ivan Ilyitch that he was easier just at the moment when Gerasim lifted his legs higher.
"'I'm better when my legs are higher,' said Ivan Ilyitch. "'Put that cushion under me.' Gerasim did so. Again he lifted his legs to put the cushion under him. Again it seemed to Ivan Ilyitch that he was easier at that moment when Gerasim held his legs raised. When he laid them down again, he felt worse. "'Gerasim,' he said to him, "'are you busy just now?' "'Not at all, sir,' said Gerasim, who had learned among the town-bred servants how to speak to gentlefolks. "'What have you left to do?' "'Why, what have I to do?' I've done everything. There's only the wood to chop for tomorrow.
Then hold my legs up like that, can you? To be sure I can. Gerasim lifted the legs up, and it seemed to Ivan Ilyich that in that position he did not feel the pain at all.
But how about the wood? Don't you trouble about that, sir. We shall have time enough.
Ivan Ilyich made Gerasim sit and hold his legs, and began to talk to him. And strange to say, he fancied he felt better while Gerasim had hold of his legs. From that time forward Ivan Ilyich would sometimes call Gerasim and get him to hold his legs on his shoulders, and he liked talking with him. Gerasim did this easily, readily, simply, and with a good nature that touched Ivan Ilyich. Health, strength, and hardiness, and all other people were offensive to Ivan Ilyitch. But the strength and hardiness of Gerasim did not mortify him, but soothed him. Ivan Ilyitch's great misery was due to the deception that for some reason or other everyone kept up with him, that he was simply ill and not dying, and that he need only keep quiet and follow the doctor's orders, and then some great change for the better would be the result.
He knew that whatever they might do, there would be no result except more agonizing sufferings in death. And he was made miserable by this lie, made miserable at their refusing to acknowledge what they all knew and he knew, by their persisting in lying over him about his awful position, and in forcing him, too, to take part in this lie. Lying, lying. This lying, carrying on over him on the eve of his death, and destined to bring that terrible, solemn act of his death down to the level of all their visits, curtains, sturgeons for dinner, was a horrible agony for Ivan Ilyitch. And, strange to say, many times when they had been going through the regular performance over him, he had been within a hair's breadth of screaming at them, "'Cease your lying!
You know and I know that I'm dying, so do at least give over lying!' But he had never had the spirit to do this. The terrible, awful act of his dying was, he saw, by all those about him, brought down to the level of a casual, unpleasant, and to some extent indecorous incident, somewhat as they would behave with a person who should enter a drawing-room smelling unpleasant. It was brought down to this level by that very decorum to which he had been enslaved all his life. He saw that no one felt for him, because no one would even grasp his position. Gerasim was the only person who recognized the position and felt sorry for him, and that was why Ivan Ilyitch was only at ease with Gerasim. He felt comforted when Gerasim sometimes supported his legs for whole nights at a stretch and would not go away to bed, saying, "'Don't you worry yourself, Ivan Ilyitch.
I'll get sleep enough yet.' Or, when suddenly dropping into the familiar peasant forms of speech, he added, "'If thou weren't sick—' But, as tis, twould be strange if I didn't wait on thee.
Gerasim alone did not lie. Everything showed clearly that he alone understood what it meant, and saw no necessity to disguise it, and simply felt sorry for his sick, wasting master. He even said this once straight out when Ivan Ilyitch was sending him away.
We shall all die. So what's a little trouble? He said. Meaning by this to express that he did not complain of the trouble just because he was taking this trouble for a dying man, and he hoped that for him, too, someone would be willing to take the same trouble when his time came.
Apart from this deception, or in consequence of it, what made the greatest misery for Ivan Ilyich was that no one felt for him as he would have liked them to feel for him. At certain moments, after prolonged suffering, Ivan Ilyich Ashamed as he would have been to own it, longed more than anything for someone to feel sorry for him, as for a sick child. He longed to be petted, kissed, and wept over, as children are petted and comforted. He knew that he was an important member of the law courts, that he had a beard turning gray, and that therefore it was impossible. But still, he longed for it. And in his relations with Gerasim there was something approaching to that. And that was why being with Gerasim was a comfort to him.
Ivan Ilyitch longs to weep, longs to be petted and wept over. And then there comes in a colleague, Shebek, and instead of weeping and being petted, Ivan Ilyitch puts on his serious, severe, earnest face, and from mere inertia gives his views on the effect of the last decision in the court of appeal, and obstinately insists upon them. This falsity around him and within him did more than anything to poison Ivan Ilyitch's last days.
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8 Chapter 08 17:05
It was morning. All that made it morning for Ivan Ilyitch was that Gerasim had gone away, and Pyotr the footman had come in. He had put out the candles, opened one of the curtains, and begun surreptitiously setting the room to rights. Whether it were morning or evening, Friday or Sunday, it all made no difference. It was always just the same thing. Gnawing, agonizing pain never ceasing for an instant. The hopeless sense of life always ebbing away, but still not yet gone. Always swooping down on him that fearful, hated death, which was the only reality, and always the same falsity. What were days, or weeks, or hours of the day to him?
Will you have tea, sir? He wants things done in their regular order. In the morning the family should have tea, he thought. and only said, No. Would you care to move on to the sofa? He wants to make the room tidy, and I'm in his way. I'm uncleanness, disorder, he thought, and only said, No, leave me alone. The servant still moved busily about his work. Ivan Ilyich stretched out his hand. Pyotr went up to offer his services. What can I get you? My watch. Pyotr got out the watch, which lay just under his hand, and gave it him.
Half-past eight. Are they up? Not yet, sir. Vladimir Ivanovitch—that was his son—has gone to the high school, and Preskovya Fyodorovna gave orders that she was to be waked if you asked for her. Shall I send word? No, no need. Should I try some tea? he thought. Yes, tea. Bring it. Pyotr was on his way out. Ivan Ilyich felt frightened of being left alone. How keep him? Oh, the medicine. Pyotr, give me my medicine. Oh, well, maybe medicine may still be some good. He took the spoon, drank it. No, it does no good. It's all rubbish deception, he decided, as soon as he tasted the familiar, mawkish, hopeless taste. No, I can't believe it now. But the pain—why this pain, if it would only cease for a minute?
And he groaned. Pyotr turned round. No, go on. Bring the tea.
Pyotr went away. Ivan Ilyich, left alone, moaned. Not so much from the pain, awful as it was, as from misery. Always the same thing, again and again. All these endless days and nights. If it would only be quicker. Quicker to what? Death, darkness. No, no, anything better than death.
When Pyotr came in with the tea on a tray, Ivan Ilyich stared for some time absentmindedly at him, not grasping who he was and what he wanted. Pyotr was disconcerted by this stare. And when he showed he was disconcerted, Ivan Ilyich came to himself. "'Oh, yes,' he said. "'Tea. Good. Set it down. Only help me to wash and put on a clean shirt.' And Ivan Ilyich began his washing. He washed his hands slowly, and then his face, cleaned his teeth, combed his hair, and looked in the looking-glass. He felt frightened at what he saw. Especially at the way his hair clung limply to his pale forehead. When his shirt was being changed, he knew he would be still more terrified if he glanced at his body, and he avoided looking at himself.
But at last it was all over. He put on his dressing-gown, covered himself with a rug, and sat in the armchair to drink his tea. For one moment he felt refreshed. But as soon as he began to drink the tea, again there was the same taste, the same pain. He forced himself to finish it, and lay down, stretching out his legs. He lay down and dismissed Pyotr.
Always the same. A gleam of hope flashes for a moment, and then again the sea of despair roars about him again, and always pain, always pain, always heartache, and always the same thing. Alone it is awfully dreary. He longs to call someone, but he knows beforehand that with others present it will be worse. Morphine again. Only to forget again. I'll tell him, the doctor, that he must think of something else. It can't go on. It can't go on like this.
One hour, two hours pass like this. Then there is a ring at the front door. The doctor, perhaps. Yes, it is the doctor. Fresh, hearty, fat, and cheerful, wearing that expression that seems to say, You there are in a panic about something, but we'll soon set things right for you. The doctor is aware that this expression is hardly fitting here, but he has put it on once and for all, and can't take it off, like a man who has put on a frock coat to pay a round of calls. In a hearty, reassuring manner, the doctor rubs his hands. I'm cold. It's a sharp frost. Just let me warm myself," he says with an expression, as though it's only a matter of waiting a little till he's warm, and as soon as he's warm he'll set everything to rights.
Well, now, how are you? Ivan Ilyich feels that the doctor would like to say, How's the little trouble? but that he feels that he can't talk like that, and says, How did you pass the night? Ivan Ilyich looks at the doctor with an expression that asks, Is it possible you're never ashamed of lying? But the doctor does not care to understand this look, and Ivan Ilyich says, It's always just as awful. The pain never leaves me, never ceases. If only there were something...
Ah, you're all like that. All sick people say that. Come now, I do believe I'm thawed. Even Preskovya Fyodorovna, who's so particular, could find no fault with my temperature. Well, now I can say good morning. And the doctor shakes hands. And dropping his former levity, the doctor, with a serious face, proceeds to examine the patient, feeling his pulse, to take his temperature, and then the tappings and soundings begin. Ivan Ilyich knows positively and indubitably that it's all nonsense and empty deception. But when the doctor, kneeling down, stretches over him, putting his ear first higher, then lower, and goes through various gymnastic evolutions over him with a serious face, Ivan Ilyitch is affected by this, as he used sometimes to be affected by the speeches of the lawyers in court, though he was perfectly well aware that they were telling lies all the while, and why they were telling lies.
The doctor, kneeling on the sofa, was still sounding him when there was the rustle of Preskovia Fyodorovna's silk dress in the doorway, and she was heard scolding Pyotr for not having let her know that the doctor had come. She comes in, kisses her husband, and at once begins to explain that she has been up a long while, and that it was only through a misunderstanding that she was not there when the doctor came. Ivan Ilyitch looks at her, scans her all over, and sets down against her her whiteness and plumpness, and the cleanness of her hands and neck, and the glossiness of her hair, and the gleam full of life in her eyes. With all the force of his soul, he hates her. And when she touches him, it makes him suffer from the thrill of hatred he feels for her.
Her attitude to him and his illness is still the same. Just as the doctor had taken up a certain line with the patient, which he was now not able to drop, So she, too, had taken up a line with him, that he was not doing something he ought to do, and was himself to blame, and she was lovingly reproaching him for his neglect. And she could not now get out of this attitude.
Why, you know he won't listen to me. He doesn't take his medicine at the right times. And what's worse still, he insists on lying in a position that surely must be bad for him, with his legs in the air. She described how he made Gerasim hold his legs up. The doctor smiled with kindly condescension that said, Oh, well, it can't be helped. These sick people do take up such foolish fancies, but we must forgive them. When the examination was over, the doctor looked at his watch, and then Preskovya Fyodorovna informed Ivan Ilyich that it must, of course, be as he liked, But she had sent to-day for a celebrated doctor, and that he would examine him and have a consultation with Mihail Danilovich. That was the name of their regular doctor.
Don't oppose it now, please. This I'm doing entirely for my own sake, she said ironically, meaning it to be understood that she was doing it all for his sake, and was only saying this to give him no right to refuse her request. He lay silent, knitting his brows. He felt that he was hemmed in by such a tangle of falsity that it was hard to disentangle anything from it. Everything she did for him was entirely for her own sake, and she told him she was doing for her own sake what she actually was doing for her own sake as something so incredible that he would take it as meaning the opposite. At half-past eleven the celebrated doctor came. Again came the sounding, and then grave conversation in his presence and in the other room about the kidney and the appendix, and questions and answers with such an air of significance that again, instead of the real question of life and death, which was now the only one that confronted him, the question that came uppermost was of the kidney and the appendix, which were doing something not as they ought to do, and were, for that reason, being attacked by Mihail Danilovich and the celebrated doctor.
And forced to mend their ways.
The celebrated doctor took leave of him with a serious, but not a hopeless face. And to the timid question that Ivan Ilyich addressed to him while he lifted his eyes, shining with terror and hope up towards him, was there a chance of recovery? He answered that he could not answer for it, but that there was a chance. The look of hope with which Ivan Ilyich watched the doctor out was so piteous. That seeing it, Preskovya Fyodorovna positively burst into tears as she went out of the door to hand the celebrated doctor his fee in the next room.
The gleam of hope kindled by the doctor's assurance did not last long. Again the same room, the same pictures, the curtains, the wallpaper, the medicine bottles, and, ever the same, his aching, suffering body. And Ivan Ilyich began to moan. They gave him injections, and he sank into oblivion. When he waked up, it was getting dark. They brought him his dinner. He forced himself to eat some broth. And again, everything the same. And again the coming night.
After dinner at seven o'clock, Preskovya Fyodorovna came into his room, dressed as though to go to a soiree, with her full bosom laced in tight, and traces of powder on her face. She had, in the morning, mentioned to him that they were going to the theatre. Sarah Bernhardt was visiting the town, and they had a box which he had insisted on their taking. By now he had forgotten about it, and her smart attire was an offence to him. But he concealed this feeling when he recollected that he had himself insisted on their taking a box and going, because it was an aesthetic pleasure, beneficial and instructive for the children. Praskovya Fyodorovna came in satisfied with herself, but yet with something of a guilty air.
She sat down, asked how he was, as he saw, simply for the sake of asking, and not for the sake of learning anything, knowing indeed that there was nothing to learn, and began telling him how absolutely necessary it was, how she would not have gone for anything, but the box had been taken, and Ellen, their daughter, and Petrushev, the examining lawyer, the daughter's suitor, were going, and that it was out of the question to let them go alone. But that she would have liked much better to stay with him, if only he would be sure to follow the doctor's prescription while she was away.
Oh, and Fyodor Dmitrievitch, the suitor, would like to come in. May he? And Liza? Yes, let them come in.
The daughter came in, in full dress, her fresh young body bare. While his body made him suffer so. But she made a show of it. She was strong, healthy, obviously in love, and impatient of the illness, suffering, and death that hindered her happiness. Fyodor Dmitrievich came in, too, in evening dress, his hair curled à la Capule, with his long sinewy neck tightly fenced round by a white collar. With his vast expanse of white chest and strong thighs displayed in narrow black trousers, with one white glove in his hand, and a crush opera hat. Behind him crept in, unnoticed, the little high school boy in his new uniform, poor fellow, in gloves and with that awful blue ring under his eyes that Ivan Ilyich knew the meaning of.
He always felt sorry for his son. And pitiable indeed was his scared face of sympathetic suffering. Except Gerasim, Ivan Ilyitch fancied that Volodya was the only one that understood and was sorry. They all sat down. Again they asked how he was. A silence followed. Liza asked her mother about the opera glass. An altercation ensued between the mother and daughter as to who had taken it and where it had been put. It turned into an unpleasant squabble.
Fyodor Dmitrievitch asked Ivan Ilyitch whether he had seen Sarah Bernhardt. Ivan Ilyitch could not at first catch the question that was asked him, but then he said, No, have you seen her before? Yes, in Adrien Lekervoux. Praskovia Fyodorovna observed that she was particularly good in that part. The daughter made some reply. A conversation sprang up about the art and naturalness of her acting, that conversation that is continually repeated and always the same. In the middle of the conversation, Fyodor Dmitrievitch glanced at Ivan Ilyitch and relapsed into silence. The others looked at him and became mute, too. Ivan Ilyitch was staring with glittering eyes straight before him, obviously furious with them.
This had to be set right. But it could not, anyhow, be set right. This silence had somehow to be broken. No one would venture on breaking it, and all began to feel alarmed that the decorous deception was somehow breaking down, and the facts would be exposed to all. Liza was the first to pluck up courage. She broke the silence. She tried to cover up what they were all feeling, but inadvertently she gave it utterance.
If we are going, though, it's time to start. She said, glancing at her watch, a gift from her father, and with a scarcely perceptible meaning smile to the young man, referring to something only known to themselves, she got up with a rustle of her skirts. They all got up, said good-bye, and went away. When they were gone, Ivan Ilyitch fancied he was easier. There was no falsity. That had gone away with them. But the pain remained. That continual pain, that continual terror, made nothing harder, nothing easier. It was always worse.
Again came minute after minute, hour after hour, still the same, and still no end, and ever more terrible the inevitable end.
Yes, send Gerasim, he said in answer to Pyotr's question.
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9 Chapter 09 7:39
Late at night, his wife came back. She came in on tiptoe, but he heard her, opened his eyes, and made haste to close them again. She wanted to send away Gerasim and sit up with him herself instead. He opened his eyes and said, No, go away. Are you in great pain? Always the same. Take some opium. He agreed and drank it. She went away. Till three o'clock he slept a miserable sleep. It seemed to him that he and his pain were being thrust somewhere into a narrow, deep, black sack, and they kept pushing him further and further in, and still could not thrust him to the bottom. And this operation was awful to him, and was accompanied with agony. And he was afraid, and yet wanted to fall into it, and struggled, and yet tried to get into it.
And all of a sudden he slipped and fell, and woke up. Gerasim, still the same, is sitting at the foot of the bed, half-dozing peacefully, patient. And he is lying with his wasted legs clad in stockings, raised on Gerasim's shoulders, the same candle burning in the alcove, and the same interminable pain.
"'Go away, Gerasim,' he whispered. "'It's all right, sir. I'll stay a bit longer.' "'No. Go away.' He took his legs down, lay sideways on his arm, and he felt very sorry for himself. He only waited till Gerasim had gone away into the next room. He could restrain himself no longer, and cried like a child. He cried at his own helplessness, at his awful loneliness, at the cruelty of people, at the cruelty of God, at the absence of God.
Why hast thou done all this? What brought me to this? Why, why torture me so horribly?
He did not expect an answer, and wept, indeed, that there was, and could be, no answer. The pain grew more acute again. But he did not stir, did not call.
He said to himself, Come, more then! Come, strike me! But what for? What have I done to thee? What for?
Then he was still, ceased weeping, held his breath, and was all attention. He listened, as it were, not to a voice uttering sounds, but to the voice of his soul, to the current of thoughts that rose up within him.
What is it you want? was the first clear idea able to be put into words that he grasped.
What? Not to suffer. To live, he answered.
And again he was utterly plunged into a tension so intense that even the pain did not distract him.
To live? Live how? The voice of his soul was asking. "'Why, live as I used to live before, happily and pleasantly.' "'As you used to live before, happily and pleasantly,' queried the voice. And he began going over in his imagination the best moments of his pleasant life. But strange to say, all these best moments of his pleasant life seemed now not at all what they had seemed then. All, except the first memories of childhood. There, in his childhood, there had been something really pleasant in which one could have lived if it had come back. But the creature who had this pleasant experience was no more. It was like a memory of someone else.
As soon as he reached the beginning of what had resulted in him as he was now, Ivan Ilyich, All that had seemed joys to him then now melted away before his eyes, and were transformed into something trivial and often disgusting. And the further he went from childhood, the nearer to the actual present. The more worthless and uncertain were the joys. It began with life at the school of jurisprudence. Then there had still been something genuinely good. Then there had been gaiety. Then there had been friendship. Then there had been hopes. But in the higher classes these good moments were already becoming rarer. Later on, during the first period of his official life, at the governor's, good moments appeared.
But it was all mixed, and less and less of it was good. And further on, even less was good, and the further he went, the less good there was.
His marriage. As gratuitous as the disillusion of it, and the smell of his wife's breath, and the sensuality, the hypocrisy, and that deadly official life, and anxiety about money, and so for one year, and two, and ten and twenty, and always the same thing. And the further he went, the more deadly it became.
As though I had been going steadily downhill, imagining that I was going uphill. So it was, in fact. In public opinion, I was going uphill, and steadily as I got up it, life was ebbing away from me. And now the work's done. There's only to die. But what is this? What for? It cannot be. It cannot be that life has been so senseless, so loathsome. And if it really was, so loathsome and senseless, Then why die, and die in agony? There's something wrong.
Can it be I have not lived as one ought? suddenly came into his head. But how not so, when I've done everything as it should be done, he said, and at once dismissed this only solution of all the enigma of life and death as something utterly out of the question.
What do you want now? To live? Live how? Live as you live at the courts when the usher booms out. The judge is coming. The judge is coming. The judge is coming, he repeated to himself. Here he is, the judge. But I'm not to blame, he shrieked in fury. What's it for? And he left off crying, and turning with his face to the wall, Felt a pondering always on the same question. What for? Why all this horror?
But however much he pondered, he could not find an answer. And whenever the idea struck him, as it often did, that it all came of his never having lived as he ought, he thought of all the correctness of his life, and dismissed this strange idea.
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10 Chapter 10 5:49
Another fortnight had passed. Ivan Ilyitch could not now get up from the sofa. He did not like lying in bed, and lay on the sofa. And lying almost all the time facing the wall. In loneliness he suffered all the inexplicable agonies, and in loneliness pondered always that inexplicable question. What is it? Can it be true that it's death? And an inner voice answered, Yes, it is true. Why these agonies? And a voice answered, For no reason. Beyond and besides this, there was nothing. From the very beginning of his illness, ever since Ivan Ilyitch first went to the doctors, his life had been split up into two contradictory moods, which were continually alternating. One was despair, and the anticipation of an uncomprehended and awful death.
The other was hope, and an absorbed watching over the actual condition of his body. First there was nothing confronting him but a kidney or intestine which had temporarily declined to perform their duties. Then there was nothing but unknown awful death, which there was no escaping.
These two moods had alternated from the very beginning of the illness, but the further the illness progressed, the more doubtful and fantastic became the conception of the kidney, and the more real the sense of approaching death.
He had but to reflect on what he had been three months before, and what he was now, to reflect how steadily he had been going downhill. For every possibility of hope to be shattered.
Of late, in the loneliness in which he found himself, lying with his face to the back of the sofa, a loneliness in the middle of a populous town, and of his numerous acquaintances and his family. A loneliness than which none more complete could be found anywhere, not at the bottom of the sea, not deep down in the earth. Of late, in this fearful loneliness, Ivan Ilyitch had lived only in imagination in the past. One by one, the pictures of his past rose up before him. It always began from what was nearest in time, and went back to the most remote, to childhood, and rested there. If Ivan Ilyitch thought of the stewed prunes that had been offered him for dinner that day, his mind went back to the damp, wrinkled French plum of his childhood, Of its peculiar taste, and the flow of saliva when the stone was sucked.
And along with this memory of a taste, there rose up a whole series of memories of that period. His nurse, his brother, his playthings. "'I mustn't. It's too painful,' Ivan Ilyitch said to himself. And he brought himself back to the present. The button on the back of the sofa, and the creases in the morocco.
Morocco's dear, and doesn't wear well. There was a quarrel over it. But the Morocco was different. And different, too, the quarrel when we tore father's portfolio and were punished, and Mama brought us the tarts. And again his mind rested on his childhood. And again it was painful, and he tried to drive it away and think of something else.
And again at that point, together with that chain of associations, Quite another chain of memories came into his heart, of how his illness had grown up and become more acute. It was the same there. The further back, the more life there had been. There had been both more that was good in life, and more of life itself. And the two began to melt into one. Just as the pain goes on getting worse and worse, so has my whole life gone on getting worse and worse, he thought. One light spot was there at the back, at the beginning of life, and then it kept getting blacker and blacker, and going faster and faster. An inverse ratio to the square of the distance from death, thought Ivan Ilyich. And the image of a stone falling downwards with increasing velocity sank into his soul.
Life, a series of increasing sufferings, falls more and more swiftly to the end, the most fearful sufferings.
"'I am falling.' He shuddered, shifted himself, would have resisted, but he knew beforehand that he could not resist. And again, with eyes weary with gazing at it, but unable not to gaze at what was before him, he stared at the back of the sofa and waited, waited expecting that fearful fall and shock and dissolution. "'Resistance is impossible,' he said to himself. But if one could at least comprehend what it's for—even that's impossible. It could be explained if one were to say that I hadn't lived as I ought. But that can't be alleged, he said to himself, thinking of all the regularity, correctness, and propriety of his life.
That really can't be admitted, he said to himself, his lips smiling ironically, as though someone could see his smile and be deceived by it. No explanation. Agony. Death. What for?
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11 Chapter 11 7:15
So passed a fortnight. During that fortnight, an event occurred that had been desired by Ivan Ilyitch and his wife. Petruschev made a formal proposal. This took place in the evening. Next day, Preskovya Fyodorovna went in to her husband, revolving in her mind how to inform him of Fyodor Dmitrievitch's proposal. But that night there had been a change for the worse in Ivan Ilyitch. Preskovya Fyodorovna found him on the same sofa, but in a different position. He was lying on his face, groaning, and staring straight before him with a fixed gaze. She began talking of remedies. He turned his stare on her. She did not finish what she had begun saying. Such hatred, of her in particular, was expressed in that stare.
"'For Christ's sake, let me die in peace,' he said. She would have gone away, but at that moment the daughter came in and went up to say good-morning to him. He looked at his daughter just as at his wife, and to her inquiries how he was, he told her dryly that they would soon all be rid of him. Both were silent, sat a little while, and went out. "'How are we to blame?' said Liza to her mother. As though we had done it. I'm sorry for Papa, but why punish us?
At the usual hour, the doctor came. Ivan Ilyich answered, Yes, no, never taking his exasperated stare from him, and towards the end he said, Why, you know that you can do nothing, so let me be.
We can relieve your suffering, said the doctor.
Even that you can't do. Let me be.
The doctor went into the drawing-room and told Preskovya Fyodorovna that it was very serious, and that the only resource left them was opium to relieve his sufferings, which must be terrible. The doctor said his physical sufferings were terrible, and that was true. But even more terrible than his physical sufferings were his mental sufferings, and in that lay his chief misery. His moral sufferings were due to the fact that during that night, as he looked at the sleepy, good-natured, broad-cheeked face of Gerasim, the thought had suddenly come into his head. What if, in reality, all my life, my conscious life, has been not the right thing? The thought struck him that what he had regarded before as an utter impossibility, that he had spent his life not as he ought, might be the truth.
It struck him that those scarcely detected impulses of struggle within him against what was considered good by persons of higher position, scarcely detected impulses which he had dismissed, that they might be the real thing, and everything else might be not the right thing. And his official work, and his ordering of his daily life and of his family, and these social and official interests, all that might be not the right thing. He tried to defend it all to himself, and suddenly he felt all the weakness of what he was defending, and it was useless to defend it.
But if it's so, he said to himself, and I am leaving life with the consciousness that I have lost all that was given me and there's no correcting it, then what?
He lay on his back and began going over his whole life entirely anew. When he saw the footman in the morning, then his wife, then his daughter, then the doctor, every movement they made, every word they uttered, confirmed for him the terrible truth that had been revealed to him in the night. In them he saw himself, saw all in which he had lived, and saw distinctly that it was all not the right thing. It was a horrible, vast deception that concealed both life and death. This consciousness intensified his physical agonies, multiplied them tenfold. He groaned and tossed from side to side and pulled at the covering over him. It seemed to him that it was stifling him and weighing him down, and for that he hated them.
They gave him a big dose of opium. He sank into unconsciousness, but at dinner-time the same thing began again. He drove them all away and tossed from side to side. His wife came to him and said, "'Jean, darling, do this for my sake.' "'For my sake?' "'It can't do harm, and it often does good. "'Why, it's nothing, and often in health, people.' He opened his eyes wide. "'What? Take the sacrament? What for? No. Besides?' She began to cry.
Yes, my dear. I'll send for our priest. He's so nice.
All right, very well, he said. When the priest came and confessed him, he was softened, felt, as it were, a relief from his doubts, and consequently from his sufferings, and there came a moment of hope. He began once more thinking of the intestinal appendix and the possibility of curing it. He took the sacrament with tears in his eyes. When they laid him down again after the sacrament for a minute, he felt comfortable, and again the hope of life sprang up. He began to think about the operation which had been suggested to him. "'To live—I want to live,' he said to himself. His wife came in to congratulate him. She uttered the customary words, and added, "'It's quite true, isn't it, that you're better?' Without looking at her, he said, Yes.
Her dress, her figure, the expression of her face, the tone of her voice, all told him the same. Not the right thing. All that in which you lived and are living is lying, deceit, hiding life and death away from you. And as soon as he had formed that thought, hatred sprang up in him, and with that hatred agonizing physical sufferings. and with these sufferings the sense of inevitable approaching ruin. Something new was happening. There were screwing and shooting pains, and a tightness in his breathing. The expression of his face as he uttered that yes was terrible. After uttering that yes, looking her straight in the face, he turned on to his face, with a rapidity extraordinary in his weakness, and shrieked, Go away, go away, let me be.
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12 Chapter 12 6:16
From that moment there began the scream that never ceased for three days, and was so awful that through two closed doors one could not hear it without horror. At the moment when he answered his wife, he grasped that he had fallen, that there was no return, that the end had come, quite the end. While doubt was still as unsolved, still remained doubt. Ooh, ooh. Ooh! He screamed in varying intonations. He had begun screaming, I don't want to... and so had gone on screaming on the same vowel sound. Ooh! All those three days, during which time did not exist for him, he was struggling in that black sack into which he was being thrust by an unseen resistless force. He struggled as the man condemned to death struggles in the hands of the executioner, knowing that he cannot save himself.
And every moment he felt that, in spite of all his efforts to struggle against it, he was getting nearer and nearer to what terrified him. He felt that his agony was due both to his being thrust into this black hole, and still more to his not being able to get right into it. What hindered him from getting into it was the claim that his life had been good. That justification of his life held him fast and would not let him get forward, and it caused him more agony than all.
All at once some force struck him in the chest, in the side, and stifled his breathing more than ever. He rolled forward into the hole, and there at the end there was some sort of light. It had happened with him, as it had sometimes happened to him in a railway carriage, when he had thought he was going forward while he was going back, and all of a sudden recognized his real direction.
Yes, it has all been not the right thing, he said to himself. But that's no matter. He could. He could do the right thing. What is the right thing? he asked himself, and suddenly he became quiet.
This was at the end of the third day, two hours before his death. At that very moment, the schoolboy had stealthily crept into his father's room and gone up to his bedside. The dying man was screaming and waving his arms. His hand fell on the schoolboy's head. The boy snatched it, pressed it to his lips, and burst into tears.
At that very moment, Ivan Ilyitch had rolled into the hole and caught sight of the light. And it was revealed to him that his life had not been what it ought to have been, but that that could still be set right. He asked himself, what is the right thing, and became quiet, listening. Then he felt someone was kissing his hand. He opened his eyes and glanced at his son. He felt sorry for him. His wife went up to him. He glanced at her. She was gazing at him with open mouth, the tears unwiped streaming over her nose and cheeks, a look of despair on her face. He felt sorry for her.
Yes, I'm making them miserable, he thought. They're sorry, but it will be better for them when I die. He would have said this, but had not the strength to utter it.
Besides, why speak? I must act, he thought. With a glance to his wife, he pointed to his son and said, "'Take away. Sorry for him. And you too.' He tried to say, "'Forgive,' but said, "'Forgue,' and too weak to correct himself, shook his hand, knowing that he would understand, whose understanding mattered.
And all at once it became clear to him that what had tortured him and would not leave him was suddenly dropping away all at once on both sides, and on ten sides, and on all sides. He was sorry for them, must act so that they might not suffer. Set them free, and be free himself of those agonies. How right, and how simple, he thought. And the pain? he asked himself. Where's it gone? Eh? Where are you, Payne? He began to watch for it.
Yes, here it is. Well, what of it? Let the Payne be. And death? Where is it?
He looked for his old accustomed terror of death, and did not find it. Where is it? What death? There was no terror, because death was not either. In the place of death there was light.
"'So this is it!' he suddenly exclaimed aloud. "'What joy!' To him all this passed in a single instant, and the meaning of that instant suffered no change after. For those present his agony lasted another two hours. There was a rattle in his throat, a twitching in his wasted body. Then the rattle and the gasping came at longer and longer intervals.
It is over, someone said over him.
He caught those words and repeated them in his soul.
Death is over, he said to himself. It's no more.
He drew in a breath, stopped midway in the breath, stretched, and died.
March 25, 1886. End of chapter 12. This concludes the death of Ivan Ilyitch by Leo Tolstoy. Translated by Constance Garnett.