Chapter 2
SECTION 2 of CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ-BANG, VOLUME 3, NUMBER 27, NOVEMBER 1921. ALL LIBRIVOX RECORDINGS ARE IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO VOLUNTEER, PLEASE VISIT LIBRIVOX.ORG. READ BY KEITH SALAS. CAPTAIN WILLY'S WHIZ-BANG, VOLUME 3, NUMBER 27, NOVEMBER 1921, BY W. H. FAUCET.
SHORT QUIPPS It won't be long now, insisted my new Jewish farmhand Ikey as he grabbed the axe this morning to cut the daily supply of wood. We surely are getting lots of tourists in Minnesota this year. Just at the close of the hunting season we saw a pennant on the back of a ford of the vintage of 1904 or 1905 which read, Climber PA.
Fishing season was brought to an eventful close at my summer resort, Breezy Point Lodge, in the Indian country of northern Minnesota this month, and now all we have to do is sit around all winter and recount experiences with a hook and line. The day the season closed, four of us boarded a raft and put out to Big Pelican Lake for a day's angling. I had a very strong line, and towards the close of the day,
was rewarded with a big bite from a great northern pike. The pike nearly ran away with the line, but the four of us held on and Mr. Fish pulled us almost ashore. When we reached shallow water we grabbed the line and made a half hitch around a tree, while one of the party pumped the fish full of shotgun pellets. It was then we discovered that the fish had swallowed a young fawn,
and that that fawn, after being swallowed, kicked his legs through the belly of the fish, and thus the fish, when it reached shallow water, had been able to walk almost ashore. What was that you said? Yes, sir, make it a bargain. This is a plea for fair play.
Fatty Arbuckle at this writing hasn't been convicted of any crime. Testimony by one of the prosecuting witnesses is claimed by the defense as showing Miss Ropp voluntarily entering what later proved to be her death chamber. We are not liking that as evidence to remove guilt, or do we claim that it excuses Fatty for his alleged actions?
The exposure of Fatty's past actions by daily newspapers ought not to be news to regular whiz-bang readers. For more than a year we have kidded Fatty in our movie pages for his famous pajama parties, and dedicated the cover of our August 1920 issue
to Fatty's heartbreaking playfulness in Hollywood. A recent report to the whiz-bang was to the effect that Mr. Arbuncle bought the Randolph Minor home on West Adams Street, Los Angeles because it was supposed to hold a $30,000 seller. We are reminded by an enthusiastic reader
of the old story of the man who walked into a Halstead Street saloon in Chicago and ordered sherry and egg. Bartender, if your sherry was as old as your egg and your egg was as young as your sherry, this would be a dang good drink.
Deacon Miller, my long-haired neighbor, doesn't approve of the aeroplane which I purchased recently any more than he does of my whiz-bang. When our hired man told the deacon about my purchase of the plane, old Miller grunted and snorted and said he wouldn't own any fool thing that would fly
and not lay any eggs. We have it from the Seattle Post Intelligencer that the Justimore Farm at Mount Vernon, Washington, is the home of Colony Zerilda Cornucopia, the only 33,000-pound pedigreed bull in the state.
I'd hate to be the hired man who had to throw this bull every day. My, my, my, what an agitation we have started over the definition of a whiffen-poof. A Kansas reader averaged that everybody is wrong so far, that a whiffen-poof is a bird that eats red pepper and has to fly backwards to keep his tail from catching on fire.
Some young men seem to imagine that they are following the fashions when they are on the trail of a pretty girl. My new hired man Pete hangs around the hog pen so much that he apparently has learned most of his manners from the animals. The other night we went to supper at my neighbor Nelson's place,
and our hired men tried to make a hit with Tilly, old man Nelson's daughter. A few days later I asked Tilly how she liked Pete. Oh, she exclaimed, at supper he acted like a pig, and after supper he was such a bore. So I guess that ends Pete's love affair so far as Tilly is concerned. Well, boys, in conclusion, I wish to cheer you up with the consolation that the Bible gives to the thirsty.
Blessed are the poor in spirit Those inquisitive Aussies An Australian editor tells this story An old lady at the conclusion of the war was paying a visit to Madame Jarly's waxworks
Carefully sizing up a group of figures representing various ancient queens including Queen Elizabeth and Mary Queen of Scots She asked an attendant if they wore any underwear under this gorgeous arraignment
The attendant replied No, ma'am, they don't wear any, but the public of course thinks they do. The only visitors we've had and knows they don't are some Australian soldiers. Hot tamales. Two jolly traveling men viewed with unmingled pleasure the charms of a beautiful maiden
who sat opposite them on the palatial 20th Century Limited. To their surprise and further happiness the fair charmer suddenly removed her stockings, turned them inside out, and replaced them. being careful to roll them stylishly to half-hose length. The drummers were quite worried as to why she went through this performance.
Finally, one of them screwed up courage enough to ask her point-blank. Here's her pert reply. Oh, my legs were hot, and I just turned the hose on them. An eye-opener. She was sweet seventeen and just emancipated from the thralldom of school,
but already she had her best boy, who on some special occasion gave her a gold watch. Some days later he inquired if she had told her friends of his little gift. Oh, yes, she said, all of them. Did you say who gave it to you?
Of course not, replied the artless maiden. We always gave one kiss for each chocolate at school, but for a gold watch? Well, I thought it best to say Mama gave it to me. Oh, scissors, let's cut it up. Heard on the Toonerville.
It was pitch dark along the road, and had anybody been listening in the shrubbery, they would have heard the voice of a woman remonstrating with a man. I won't, exclaimed the woman. I think you are a brute. You'll either do what I say or get out and walk home, roared a deep voice of the man.
All right, I'll walk, said the woman. But wait till I tell my husband. I paid my fare, and you rang it up just before we left the city limits. And she indignantly left the streetcar. "'Ring on, old bells!'
Bright's wife prided herself on being resourceful, and after waiting in another room while her husband talked for half an hour with a gentleman in the parlor, she turned the alarm clock so it rang a second and called, "'John, you're wanted on the phone!'
The caller said goodbye, and John came back to his wife with an amused smile. "'Well, that's one way to get rid of him,' said friend-wife. "'What did he want?' Oh, nothing, replied her husband. He was just a solicitor trying to get me to have a telephone put in.
For freedom. Convict, I'm here for having five wives. Visitor, how are you enjoying your liberty? End of Section 2
