Chapter 3
section three of captain billy's whiz bank volume three number twenty seven november nineteen twenty one this is the libra box recording all libra box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra box dot org read by alexia h captain billy's whiz bank volume three number twenty seven november nineteen twenty one by w h fawcett questions and answers Dear Captain Billy, Where can I find a man like Fatty Arbuckle? Marie de Wildman We have referred your inquiry to Pedro. Dear Captain Billy, What makes the wild cat wild?
Larry Cranker Turpentine Dear Captain Billy, What is a soubrette? I've gone bugs. A singer that gets fifty dollars a week and sends a hundred dollars home to mother.
Dear Captain Bill, how long does a three-foot kiss in the movies last? Oscar Laddery Long enough to warp the hands on an asbestos alarm clock? Dear Skipper, if you were a cowpuncher alone in a big city and without a pony, saddle, or lariatte and desired to corral a calf, what would you do? Scaredy Cat
Getting Gertie's garter is one of the biggest hits of the season. Captain Billy Why is it that the motion picture producers must give their picture such blatant title as Once to Every Woman, Why Change Your Wife, etc.? Stage plays don't have to have alluring names to be successful.
Legit Quite right, Legit. The movies ought to tone down their titles so as to make them drab and commonplace, and on a par with such stage successes as Mary's Ankle, Up in Mabel's Room,
Twin beds, and the recent Broadway hit, Getting Gertie's Garter. The last must have been some job. Dear Captain Billy, what is a golf hazard and what does ex-president Taft playing golf remind you of? Lunatic. A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in a ruff.
I don't know what Taft playing golf reminds of unless it's a hippopotamus playing tiddlywinks. Dear Billy, what is the best way to tell a gentleman? Routitude. The best way is to watch how he wears his evening clothes. Or pajamas. The first is preferable for a single folk. Dear Cap, what is meant by the stuff dreams are made of? Near beer. Paint, powder, padding, and false hair. Dear Captain Fawcett, can you give me a recipe for
a dish known as strawberry surprise? Miss Connie Sewer. Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. Add two pounds of borrowed sugar. Throw in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. If it is good, that's the surprise. Dear Bill, what are the best furs for summer wear? Perry Moore. Deer skin, bear skin, and mole skin probably would suit your tastes.
Mole skin is very popular nowadays. No matter where the mole is, the skin can be warm to show it. Dear Cap, which animal is the better fighter, dog or badger? B.D. Chamber It depends on how strong the badger is. In the usual badger fight, too, much depends on the proficiency shown in the art of releasing the badger.
Dear Whizbank, what bird is known as the bird of peace? Pacifist The Chicken Captain Breezy Bill Kindly give me your whiz-bang definition of the phrase matrimonial progress.
Whipper will. Adhering strictly to Queen's Gooseberry rules, I cheerfully submit the following. Made one. Made one. Made one.
Dear Billy, where do women's styles start? Miss Wobble Walk. Styles start in Paris, but we finish them here. A deer whiz-bang, can you tell me if it's true that some animals use their tails as signals? Dr. Walloper
Yes, indeed. Here in Robbinsdale and elsewhere, the South American puma is said to agitate its tail tip to entice grazing curious creatures. The white underneath part of several varieties of deer are said to be used as a guide for other members of the herd. The horse uses his tail as a sunshade for the driver. Probably there are other animals that use their tails, but as we have never taken our postgraduate degree in tail technology, this meager answer will have to
suffice for the present. Dear Captain Billy, would you please define platonic love? Plutophiz. Platonic love means you can kiss her all you want and forget she is a woman, but there ain't no such animal. Dear Captain Billy, Is it true that Fatty Arbuckle is to plead insanity?
Auntie I over. We wouldn't be surprised. Fatty has been acting rather funny for several months. End of section three.
