Chapter 13
chapter thirteen of consequences decision on making up her mind that she must break off her engagement alex unaware took the bravest decision of her life she was being true to an instinctive standard in which she herself only believed with part of her mind and which was absolutely unknown to any of those who made up her surroundings she hardly knew however that she had taken any resolution in her many wakeful nights and discontented days until the moment when she actually put it into execution she wrote no eloquent letter entered into no elaborate explanation such as would have seemed to her after the manner of her generation theoretically indispensable to the situation she blurted out three bold words which struck upon her own hearing with a sense of extreme shock the moment they were uttered it's no use noel looked hard at her for a moment and then did not pretend to misunderstand her meaning what us being engaged his intuitive comprehension of which alex had received so little proof ever before might be unflattering but it struck her with immense relief yes they gazed at each other in silence for a few moments
and alex was furious with herself for a phrase sprung from nowhere that reiterated itself in her brain as she looked at noel's handsome inexpressive face fish-like flexidity and again and again fish-like flexidity they were in the drawing-room at clevedon square and noel as though seeking to relieve his obvious embarrassment by moving got up and walked across the room to the window of course i felt for some time that you weren't very happy about it all and naturally if you feel like that all the seething disappointment and wounded vanity and aching loneliness that had tortured her since the very first moments of her engagement to noel cardew rushed back on alex but she sought vainly for words in which to convey any part of her feelings to him it would be like trying to explain some abstruse principle of science to a little child the sense of the utter uselessness of any attempt at making clear to him the reasons which were chaotic even to herself paralysed alex's utterance i don't think it's any use going on she repeated feebly you're perfectly free noel assured her scrupulously and though of course i-i-i you we it would be he broke off very reared
alex wished vaguely that it was possible for them to talk it all out quite frankly and dispassionately with one another but the hard crystalline detachment of the generation that was to follow theirs had as yet no place in the scheme of things known to noel and alex they made awkward conventional phrases to one another naturally the boy said with an effort the whole blame must rest with me oh no i'll tell father and mother that i wanted to-to break it off alex stopped conscious that she could not think of anything else to say but rather to her surprise it appeared that noel had something else to say he faced her with his hands thrust into his pockets his hair and little fair moustache and his brown eyes looking very light indeed contrasted with his flushed face of course you're absolutely free as i said only i must say alex that you're making rather a mistake every one was awfully pleased about it and we've known each other since we were kids since you were a kid at any rate and a broken engagement well of course i don't want to say anything naturally but it does put a girl in a er well in what's called rather an invidious position especially when it isn't as though there was any particular reason for it
the principal reason alex began faintly not altogether certain of what it was that she was about to say you see i always thought we should hit it off together so well we always did as kids when you were a kid i mean noel explained we always seemed to like the same things and have a good deal in common i don't think that you liked any of the things i cared about especially alex said with a flash of spirit what does that matter noel demanded naively so long as one of us likes the things that the other does it would be exactly the same thing alex had never told herself and was therefore quite unable to tell nowell that she had never liked anything particularly except his liking for her which she had striven almost frenziedly to gain and retain by means of an artificially stimulated display of sympathetic interest in his enthusiasms there's another thing i don't know whether i ought to say it to you quite but of course after one's well married there's a lot more one has in common naturally yes said alex forlornly she quite believed it there was an awkward silence are you angry noel she did not think he was at all angry or very violently moved in any way but she asked the question from an instinctive desire to hear from him any expression of his real feelings he replied stiffly
not at all of course it's much better that you should say all this in time as i say i felt for some time that you weren't particularly cheerful but i must say alex i'm dashed if i know why i don't know why exactly except that i-i don't feel as if we really cared enough for one another alex spoke with a pause between each word blushing scarlet as though it really cost her a physical effort to break through the barrier of reserve that she had been taught so relentlessly should always be erected between her own soul and the naked truth of her own sensations and intimate convictions noel blushed too and alex felt that he was shocked which increased her own self-contempt almost unbearably naturally if i hadn't he left a blank to supply the words i shouldn't have asked you to be engaged to me i must say alex i think you're rather exacting you know alex quivered from head to foot as though he had insulted her most brutally she who had shrunk with a genuine dread that had surprised herself from noel's few shyly uttered endearments and had found so entire a lack of response in herself to his occasionally attempted displays of tenderness to be accused of having been exacting
she did not for an instant realize what even noel faintly surmised that she had indeed been exacting of a romantic fervor which she was as incapable of inspiring as he of bestowing from which had it existed the outward expressions of love would have leapt spontaneously supremely appropriate and necessary to them both in the mental chaos and muddle of their extreme youth they looked at one another confused and bewildered almost like two children suddenly conscious of the magnitude of their own naughtiness noel said rather proudly as though one of the children suddenly tried to appear grown up you must allow me to undertake the distressing task of breaking it to them alex almost shuddered so acute was her own apprehension of the disclosure to her father and mother i shall tell mother at once she said lacking the courage even to mention sir francis it was typical of the whole time and circumstances of their brief engagement that both noel and in a lesser degree alex had looked upon the relation into which they had entered as one in which their parents held the stakes and were of primary concern they themselves were only puppets for whom strings were pulled so as to cause certain vibrations and reactions over which they had no personal control
this belief unformulated by either and entirely characteristic of a late victorian generation was perhaps that which they held most in common alex even wondered whether she ought to wait and speak to lady isabel before taking the next step which she had in mind but her desire to try and raise their trivial shamefaced parting to a higher level by one dramatic touch was too strong for her she slowly pulled the diamond engagement ring off her finger and handed it to him oh i say stammered noel he looked miserably undecided and she knew that he was wondering whether he could not ask her to keep it just the same but in the end he slipped it into his pocket after balancing it undecidedly for a moment in the palm of his hand she sat on the sofa her left hand feeling strangely bare unweighted by the heavy glittering hoop and noel looked out of the window i think i shall go abroad he announced suddenly and with mingled relief and mortification alex detected the sound of satisfaction latent in his voice she felt that he thought himself to be doing the proper thing in the circumstances and the sting inflicted on her pride by his acquiescence in their parting though she had expected nothing else gave her the sudden impulse necessary to rise and cross the room until she stood beside him at the window
please forgive me noel oh there's nothing to forgive he returned hastily of course if you feel like that it's all over he looked at her steadily and alex felt the suspicion rush over her that he was trying obliquely to convey a warning to her that if she dismissed him now it would be of no use to recall him later alex felt passionately that in the depths of his stubborn vanity lay the truest presentment of himself that noel would ever show her if there was another side to his personality and she was dimly willing to believe it for all her utter ignorance of him the power to call it forth did not dwell in her her momentary feeling of anger gave way to humiliation and she half held out her hand good-bye noel she said humbly as though to atone for the lack of feeling in his tone noel wrung her hand until it hurt her as he replied automatically good-bye alex i suppose we shall never meet again thought alex with all of the finality of youth and felt dazed as she saw him open the door mechanically she rang the bell in order that the servants downstairs might know that he was leaving and come into the hall to find his hat and stick and to open the door for him lady isabel had instilled into alex that it was part of her responsibility in grown-up life to ring the bell for departing guests as unostentatiously as possible at just the right moment and every time that she remembered to do it she always felt rather proud of herself this time she thought
it's the last time noel will ever be in this room with me he is going right out of my life she was quite unconsciously trying to awaken in herself an anguish of regret that might yet justify her to herself in recalling her lover if he turns around at the door and says alex she tried to cheat herself with a hope that was yet not a hope noel turned at the door in a solemn magnanimous voice he said alex i don't want you to feel ever that you need reproach yourself whatever any one may say remember that if he suddenly looked like a rather frightened little boy if there's a great fuss then the door closed very quietly behind him and alex heard him go downstairs slowly it seemed to her that noel's farewell had plumbed the final depth of his inadequacy presently she sank into an arm-chair before the fire and tried to visualize the effects of her own action she was principally conscious of a certain amazement that a step which seemed likely to have such far-reaching consequences should have been so largely the result of sudden impulse she had not thought the night before of breaking off her engagement it had all happened very quickly in a few minutes when the sense of tension which had hung around her intercourse with noel had suddenly seemed to reach an unbearable pitch so that something had snapped
was this how important things happened to one through life alex felt that she could not believe it but a broken engagement could there be anything more important more desperate alex felt with melancholy satisfaction that at least it was real life as she had always imagined it full of drama and tragedy with of course a glory of happiness as final climax that would make up for everything more physically tired than she knew alex abandoned herself dreamily to the old idle visions of the wonderful perfect love that should come to crown her life there was no faint latent sense of disloyalty to noel now in returning to her old dreams that had been hers in one form or another ever since her childish ideal of a perfect friend who would always understand and yet love one just the same it was with a violent start that alex came back to reality again she had dismissed noel cardew had given him back his beautiful diamond engagement ring and now she would have to tell her father and mother with no better reason to adduce than her own caprice she felt sick with fright
she remembered sir francis's silent but unmistakable pride and pleasure in his engaged daughter and lady isabel's additional display of affection and even of deference to alex's taste in choosing her frocks and hats and her own sense of having at last atoned to them both for her unsatisfactory childhood and lack of any conspicuous social success such as they had coveted for her alex cowering in her chair now wondered how she could face them her only shred of comfort lay in the remembrance that lady isabel had said to her my darling i am so thankful to know you are marrying for love alex in bitter bewilderment remembered those words again and again in the days which followed no one reproached her she heard hardly a word of blame and the most severe censure spoken to her was in her mother's soft voice far more distressed than angry but alex do you know what people say about a girl who's behaved as you have that she's a vulgar jilt neither more nor less to throw over a young man after being engaged to him for four weeks with no reason except a capricious fit
oh my darling why couldn't you have asked me first to go and give him back that lovely ring and hurt and insult him of course he'll never come back your father says how well he's behaved poor boy alex alex what shall i do with you tears were running down her pretty face so slightly lined even now alex cried too from pity for her mother and wretched undefined remorse and a growing conviction that in acting on her own distorted impulse she had once more involved herself and far worse others in far-reaching and disastrous consequences thank heaven we hadn't announced the engagement but of course it will all get about things always do and there's nothing worse for a girl than to get that sort of reputation especially when she's not-not tremendously sought after or pretty or anything lady isabel had never before come so near to an avowal that her eldest daughter's career had proved a disappointment to her and alex in the admission rightly gauged the extent of her mother's dismay why did you do it alex alex tried haltingly to explain but she could only say i-i felt i didn't care for him enough
but you hadn't had time to find out you accepted him when he proposed so you must have been quite ready to like him then and you'd only been engaged for four weeks how could you tell a little thing like you wailed lady isabel "'Oh, Alex, if you'd only come to me about it first, "'I could have explained it all to you. "'Girls often get fancies about being in love. "'I thought you wanted me to marry for love.
"'You said so!' sobbed Alex. "'Of course I don't want you to marry without it, "'but it's the love that comes after marriage that really counts, "'and a boy you'd known all your life, practically, "'that we all liked.
"'You could have been ideally happy, Alex.' lady isabel looked at her almost resentfully i don't know what will happen to you my darling i don't indeed i sometimes think you are just as headstrong and exaggerated as when you were a little girl and alex i don't like even to say such a thing to you there's never been any one but noel and i'm afraid this isn't the sort of thing that makes any man nothing puts them off more and no wonder alex thought momentarily of queenie but she knew that was different in the supreme object of woman to attract queenie stood in a class apart nothing that queenie could ever do would rob her of the devotion that was hers wherever she chose to claim it by mysterious right of attraction from her father alex heard very little she was left in her abnormal sensitiveness to measure his disappointment and mortification by his very silence feeling again like the naughty little girl who had been responsible for barbara's fall from the balusters and had been sent to sir francis for sentence
she listened in silence that was broken only by the sobs that she could hardly control to his few measured utterances you are old enough to know your own mind sir francis paused swinging his glasses lightly to and fro in his hand then he deliberately put them across his nose and looked at her at least he added carefully i suppose you are your mother tells me that you appear to have been er rather suddenly overwhelmed by a fear of marrying without love i don't wish to say alex that such a sentiment was not more or less proper and natural but to act upon it so hastily and with such a heartless lack of consideration appears to me to be the action my dear child sir francis paused and then added calmly of a fool the word is not a pretty one but i prefer it to the only other alternative that i can see for describing your conduct have you anything to say my dear alex had nothing to say and would in any case have been rendered by this time powerless of saying it sir francis looked at her with the same grief and mortification on his handsome severe face that had been there eight years before when the nursery termagant sobbing and terrified had stood before him in her short frock and pinafore
you could have asked advice he said gently you have parents whose only wish is to see you happy why did you not go to your mother alex tried to say because but found that the only reason which presented itself to her mind was her own conviction that lady isabel would not have understood and she dared not speak it aloud the clair axiom as that of thousands of their class and generation was that parents by divine right knew more than their children could ever hope to learn and that nothing within the ken of these could ever prove beyond their comprehension sir francis shook his head sadly i will tell you my poor child since you will not answer me why you did not seek your mother's advice it was because you are weakly impulsive and by one act of impetuous folly will lay up for yourself years of unavailing remorse and regret alex recognized with something like terror the truth of his description weakly impulsive she had blindly followed an instinct and as usual all her world had blamed her and she had found herself faced by consequences that appalled her why must one always involve others she ceased to see clearly that marriage with noel cardew would have meant misery and blindly accepted the vision thrust upon her by her surroundings she had hurt and disappointed and shamed them and they could only see her action as a cruel capricious impulse
alex weakly impulsive as sir francis had said and sick with misery at their unspoken blame and silent disappointment presently lost her always feeble hold of her own convictions and sore with their eyes chapter thirteen
