menu_book Chapter 17

chapter seventeen of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain lawn tennis looking back long afterwards to that last week of the brilliant jubilee season in london and to the two months that followed spent in a house near windsor taken principally to gratify cedric's passion for tennis alex could never remember whether the first definite suggestion of her entering the religious life had come from herself or from mother gertrude neither she nor barbara had been taken to cowes that year and the first fortnight spent at the windsor house which stood in a large rambling garden full of roses close to the river reminded her strangely of the summer holidays they had spent together as children cedric very sunburnt and sturdy played tennis with a sort of concentrated cumulative enthusiasm took part in innumerable cricket matches possessing already a very real reputation in eaton's circles as a promising slow bowler and a very reliable bat and occasionally took his sisters on the river barbara on whom late nights in london had told slept half the morning and then practised serves at tennis assiduously under her brother's coaching while pamela already a hoyden romped screaming over the lawn in a fashion that in alex and barbara's nursery days would have met with instant and drastic punishment

but old nurse was lenient with the last and youngest of her charges and nowadays her guardianship was almost a nominal one only alex was preoccupied aimlessly brooding over one absorbing interest as in the summer holidays that the clare children had spent at five apples farm just as then she had waited and looked and longed for queenie's letters so now she waited for those of mother gertrude day after sunlit day she stood at the bottom of the straggling overgrown paddock that gave on to the dusty highroad and waited for the afternoon post to be delivered she was often disappointed but never with the sick intensity of dismay that had marked every fresh stage in her realization of queenie torrence's indifference to friendship mother gertrude only wrote when she could find a little spare time and left by far the greater number of alex's daily outpourings to her unanswered but she read them all she understood alex told herself in a passion of pure gratitude and she thought of her child and prayed daily for her her letters began my dearest child and alex treasured the words and the few earnest counsels and exhortations that the letters contained it was much easier to carry out those exhortations at windsor than it had been in london alex went almost every day to a small catholic church of which holland had discovered the vicinity and sometimes spent the whole afternoon in the drowsy heat of the little building that was almost always empty

her thoughts dwelt vaguely on her own future and on the craving necessity for self-expression of which mother gertrude had made her more intensely aware than she knew could it be that her many failures were to prove only the preliminary to an immense success predestined for her out of eternity the allurement of the thought soothed alex with an infinite sweetness when sir francis and his wife joined the windsor party lady isabel exclaimed with satisfaction at her daughter's looks only a fortnight and it's done such wonders for you both barbara was like a little washed-out rag and now she's quite blooming you've got more colour too alex darling and i'm so thankful to see that you're holding yourself rather better evidently country air and quiet was what you both needed nevertheless lady isabel lost no time in issuing and accepting various invitations that led to luncheons tennis-parties and occasional dinners with the innumerable acquaintances whom she immediately discovered to be within walking or driving distance it annoyed alex unreasonably that her liberty should be interfered with thus by entertainments which afforded her no pleasure she ungraciously conceded her place to barbara as often as possible and went off to seek the solitude of the chapel with an inward conviction of her own greater unworldliness and spirituality

barbara showed plenty of eagerness to avail herself of the opportunities thus passed on to her she had sedulously cultivated a great enthusiasm for tennis and by dint of sheer hard practice had actually acquired a certain forceful skill making up for a natural lack of suppleness that deprived her play of any grace her rather manufactured displays of enjoyment which had none of the spontaneous vitality of little pamela's noisy bounding high spirits were always in sufficient contrast to alex's supine self-absorption to render them doubly agreeable to sir francis and lady isabel i like to take my little daughter about and see her enjoying herself sir francis would say with more wistfulness than pleasure in his voice sometimes as though wishing that barbara's gaiety could have been allied to alex's prettier face and position as his eldest daughter it was only in his two sons cedric with his sort of steady brilliance and idle happy-go-lucky archie by far the best-looking of the clare children that sir francis found unalloyed satisfaction pamela was the modern child in embryo and disconcerted more than she pleased him it was principally to gratify cedric that lady isabel arranged a tennis tournament for the end of the summer on a hot day of late september that was to remain in alex's memory as a milestone unrecognized at the time marking the end of an era

thank heaven it's fine piously breathed barbara at the window in the morning i shall wear my white piquet alex shrugged her shoulders neither she nor barbara would have dreamed of inaugurating a new form of toilette without previous reference to lady isabel and Barbara's small piece of self-assertion was merely designed to emphasize the butterfly role which she was embracing with so much determination. "'Of course your way, or piquet, mother, said so,' Alex retorted, conscious of childishness. "'You've worn a piquet at every tennis party you've been to.' "'Well, this is a new piquet,' said Barbara, who invariably found a last word for any discussion.

And she went downstairs singing in a small tuneful chirp made carefully careless. who's coming Alex inquired having taken no part whatever in the lengthy discussions as to partners and handicaps which had engrossed Cedric and Barbara for the past ten days Cedric looked up frowning from the list on which he was still engaged he did not speak however but Barbara said very sweetly and with an emphasis so nearly imperceptible that only her sister could appreciate

it oh nobody in whom you're at all specially interested I'm afraid Alex did not miss the implication and coloured angrily. I'm going to play with that artist, the one staying with the Russells. He isn't at all a good player, said Barbara smoothly. Then why are you playing with him? Barbara smiled rather self-consciously. It would hardly do to annex the best partners for ourselves, would it? she inquired. And we're trying to equalise the sets as far as possible.

Cedric has to play with the youngest Russell girl who's too utterly hopeless. I shall take all her balls, said Cedric calmly, so it'll be all right. She doesn't mind any amount of poaching. We shall lose on her serves, of course, but that may be just as well. Why, dear, innocently inquired Lady Isabel. I don't think it looks well to carry off a prize at one's own show, Cedric said candidly. I should rather love the Indian bangles,

owned Barbara, glancing enviously at the array of silver trifles that constituted the prizes. you won't get them my child not with mcallister as your partner you'll see lady essie cameron will get them or one of the nottinghams if they're in good form peter nottingham is playing with you alex barbara informed her that boy nottingham's nearly eighteen let me tell you said cedric in tones of offence and plays an extraordinarily good game of tennis in fact he'll be about the best man

there probably which is why i've had to give him to you for a partner as you've not taken the trouble to practice a single stroke the whole summer, I should advise you to keep out of his way and let him stand up to the net and take every blessed thing he can get. It'll be a nice thing for me, said Cedric bitterly, to have to apologize to Nottingham for making him play with the worst girl there, and that my sister. Cedric, said his mother gently, I'm sure I've seen Alex play very

nicely. Alex was grateful, but she wished that like Barbara she had practiced her strokes under Cedric's tuition. It was characteristic of her that when the occasion for excelling had actually come, she should passionately desire to excel, whereas during previous weeks of supine indifference it had never seemed to her worthwhile to exert herself in the attainment of proficiency. After breakfast she went out to the tennis court, freshly marked and rolled, and wondered if it

would be worthwhile to make Archie send her over some balls, but Cedric hurried up in a business-like way and ordered everybody off the ground while he instructed the garden boy in the science of putting up a new net alex moved disconsolately away and tried to tell herself that none of these trivial useless enthusiasms which they regarded so earnestly were of any real importance she wandered down to the chapel and sat there for the most part pondering over her own infinitesimal chances of success in the coming tournament and thinking how much she would like to astonish and disconcert barbara and cedric by a sudden display of skill it was true that she had not practised and was at no time a strong player but she had sometimes shown an erratic brilliance in a sudden back-handed stroke and like all weak people she had an irrational belief in sudden and improbable accessions of luck needless to say this belief was not justified peter nottingham a tall shy boy with a smashing service and tremendous length of reach was intent on nothing but victory and though he muttered politely not at all i'm sure

at alex's preliminary faltering announcement of her own bad play the very sense of his keenness made her nervous she missed every stroke gave an aimless dash that just succeeded in stopping a ball that would obviously have been out and felt her nerve going just as success always led her on to excel so failure reduced her capabilities to a minimum her heart sank they lost the first game will you serve inquired peter nottingham politely i'd rather you did alex was infinitely relieved that responsibility should momentarily be off her own shoulders but young nottingham's swift service was as swiftly returned by lady essie cameron an excellent player and one who had no hesitation in smashing the ball on to the farthest corner of the court where alex stood obviously nervous and unready she failed to reach it and could have cried with mortification thanks to nottingham however they won the game it was their solitary victory alex served one fault after another and at last ceased even to murmur perfunctory apologies as she and her partner whose boyish face expressed scarlet vexation crossed over the court she was not clear as to the system on which cedric had arranged the tournament

but presently she saw that the losing couples would drop out one by one until the champions having won the greatest number of sets would finally challenge any remaining couples whom they had not yet encountered i say i'm afraid this is pretty rotten for you old chap she heard cedric full of concern say to her partner perhaps we may get another look in at the finals said peter nottingham with gloomy civility he and alex with several others sat and watched the progress of the games it gave alex a shock of rather unpleasant surprise to see the improvement in barbara's play her service an overhand one in which very few girl players were then proficient gave rise to several compliments her partner was the good-looking artist ralph mcallister well played he shouted enthusiastically again and again once or twice when barbara missed a stroke alex heard him exclaim softly oh hard luck well tried partner alex tired and mortified almost angry wondered why fate should have assigned to her as a partner a mannerless young cub like nottingham who thought of nothing but the horrid game it did not occur to her that perhaps mcallister would not have been moved to the same enthusiasm had she instead of barbara been playing with him

the combination however was beaten by cedric and the youngest of the russell girls a pretty roundabout child who left all the play to her partner and screamed with excitement and admiration almost every time he hit the ball it was quite evident that the final contest lay between them and lady essie cameron a strapping muscular scotch girl whose partner kept discreetly to the background and allowed her to stand up to the net and volley every possible ball that came over when she and her partner had emerged victorious from every contest nothing remained but for cedric and miss russell to make good their claim to the second place by conquering the remaining couples alex played worse than ever and the set was six games to love as she went past cedric muttered to her low and viciously are you doing it on purpose she knew that he was angry and mortified at his friend nottingham's disappointment but his words struck her like a blow she stood with her back to every one gulping hard you didn't have a chance old man said a sympathetic youth behind her they might have arranged the sets better peter nottingham growled in reply who was the girl you were playing with alex realized that her white frock and plain straw hat were indistinguishable from all the other white frocks and straw hats present seen from the back

hush said young nottingham more cautiously that was one of the girls of the house a miss clare can't play a bit can she the other one wasn't bad didn't one of them give poor cardew the chuck or something oh shut up nottingham rebuked the indiscreet one much more likely he chucked her if you ask me alex could bear the risk of their discovering her proximity no longer and hastened into the house it was the first afternoon since her arrival at windsor that she had not looked eagerly for the afternoon post the letter a square bluish envelope of cheap glazed paper caught her eye almost accidentally on the table in the hall she recognized it instantly and snatching it up opened and read it standing there with the scent of a huge bowl of late roses pervading the whole hall and the distant sound of cries and laughter faintly penetrating to her ears from the tennis-court and garden outside mother gertrude's writing showed all the disciplined regularity characteristic of a convent with the conventional french slope and long-tailed letters the careful making of which alex herself had had instilled into her in belgium the phraseology of the superior's letter was conventional too

and even her most earnest exhortations when delivered in writing bore the marks of restraint but this letter was different alex knew it at once even before she had read it to the end of the four closely covered sheets september thirtieth eighteen ninety seven my dearest child there are many letters from you waiting to be answered and i thank you for them all and for the confidence you bestow upon me which touches me very deeply now at last i am able to sit down and feel that i shall have a quiet half-hour in which to talk to my child although i dare not hope that it will be an uninterrupted one so the life you are leading does not satisfy you alex you tell me that you come in from the gaieties and amusements and little parties which after all are natural to your age and to the position in which god has placed you full of dissatisfaction and restlessness of mind alex my dear child i am not surprised you will never find that what the world can offer will satisfy you most of us may have known similar moments of fatigue of disillusionment but to a heart and mind like yours above all it is inconceivable that anything less than infinity itself should bring any lasting joy let me say what i have so often thought after our conversations together in my little room there is only one way of peace for such a nature as yours

give up all and you shall find all i have thought and prayed over this letter my little alex and am not writing lightly you will forgive me if i am going too far but i long to see my child at rest and for such as you there is only one true rest here human love has failed you and you are left alone with all your impulses of sacrifice and devotion to another thrown back upon yourself but alex there is one to whom all the love and tenderness of which you know yourself capable can be offered and he wants it weak though you are and all-perfect though he is he wants you i don't think there has been a day since i first heard his call when i have not marvelled at the wonder of it at the infinite honour done to me if i have told you more of the secret story of my vocation than to any one else it has been for a reason which i think you have guessed i have seen for a long while what it was that god asked of you alex and i believe the time has come when you will see it too your last letter with its cry of loneliness and the bitter sense of being unwanted has made me almost sure of it you are not unwanted you need never be lonely again leave all things and follow me

if you hear that call which i believe with all my heart to have sounded for you can you disobey it will you not rather forsaking all things follow him and in so doing find all things i have written a long while and cannot go on now god bless you again and again and help you to be truly generous with him write to me as fully as you will and count upon my poor prayers and my most earnest religious affection i need not add come and see me again on your return to london my child will always find the warmest of welcomes it was not for nothing that you came into the convent chapel to find rest and quiet that summer day my alex your devoted mother in christ gertrude of the holy cross alix stood almost as though transfixed the letter hardly came as a surprise she had long since known subconsciously what was in the superior's mind and yet the expression of it produced in her a sort of stupefaction could it be true was there really such a refuge for her somewhere a need of her and of that passionate desire for self-devotion that was so essential a part of her the thought brought with it a tingling admixture of bitter disappointment and of poignant rapture

she realized almost despairingly that she could no longer stand in the hall clasping mother gertrude's letter unconsciously to her already light flying feet were approaching from the garden i came to look for you alex said barbara breathlessly in the doorway they're going to give the prizes what are you doing i am coming said alex mechanically she was rather surprised that barbara should have taken the trouble to come for her did mother send you no said barbara simply but i thought it would look very bad if you kept out of the way of it because you happened to play badly and not win a prize so alex assisted at the prize-giving and saw lady essie accept the jingling indian silver bangles that were so much in fashion with frank pleasure and gratitude and saw consolation prizes awarded to cedric and to his partner who appeared entirely delighted although she had done nothing at all to deserve distinction you ought to have a prize you know she heard ralph mcallister tell barbara if you'd had a better partner you'd have won easily you play much better than lady essie really it was not in the least true that barbara played better than lady essie or nearly so well but she put on a little gratified complacent smile that apparently satisfied ralph mcallister quite as well as modest disclaimers alex kept out of her partner's way and avoided his eye not much probability that he would address flattering speeches to her

all the time a subconscious emotion was surging through her at the thought of mother gertrude's letter and what it contained the life you are leading does not satisfy you you will never find that what the world can offer will satisfy you it was true enough heaven knew alex thought drearily as she addressed perfunctory and obviously absent-minded civilities to her mother's guests in the sense of depression engendered by the afternoon's failure no less than by the sight of macalister's evident delight in barbara's demure patently artificial alternate coyness and gaiety alex realized both her own eternal dissatisfaction with her surroundings and the subtle allurement of a renunciation that should yet promise her all that she most longed for chapter seventeen