menu_book Chapter 18

chapter eighteen of consequences crisis when alex went back to london in the beginning of october it was with a sensation as though an enormous gulf of time had been traversed between her visits to the convent in the hot arid summer days and her return there for one thing the cold weather had set in early and with unusual severity and the sight of fires and winter firs seemed to succeed with startling rapidity to the roses and lawn tennis at windsor in her first greeting with mother gertrude too alex was strongly conscious of that indefinable sensation of having made some strange almost unguessed-at progress in a direction of which she was only now becoming aware it frightened her when the superior gazing at her with those light steady eyes that now held a depth of undisguised tenderness spoke firmly with an implication that could no longer be denied or ignored

so the great decision is taken little alex and if peace has not yet come to you do not feel dismayed it will come as surely as i stand here and tell you of it but there may be there must be conflict first whether she spoke of the conflict which alex foresaw half with dread and half with exultation as inevitable between herself and her surroundings or of some deeper inward dissension in alex's own soul she could not tell but there was both joy and a certain excitement in having her destiny so much taken for granted and the mystical and devotional works to which the superior gave her free access worked upon her imagination and dispelled many of her lingering doubts those which lay deepest in her soul she never examined she was almost though not quite unaware of their existence and to probe deeper into that faint underlying questioning would have seemed a disloyalty equally to that intangible possession which she had begun to think of as her vocation and to mother gertrude the sense of closer companionship of a more intimate spiritual union expressed though never explicitly so in words in her relation with the superior was unutterably precious to alex in the joy that it brought her she read merely another manifestation and the consolation to be found in the way of the spirit

a feeling of impending crisis however hung over the hurrying days of that brief november when the convent parlour in the afternoons was illuminated by a single gas-jet that cast strange clean-cut shadows on the whitewashed walls just before christmas sir francis spoke what is this violent attraction that takes you out with your maid in the opposite direction to your mother's expeditions with barbara he suddenly inquired of alex one evening very stiffly she started and coloured having retained all the childish uneasy belief that her father lived in an atmosphere far above that into which the sound and sight of his children's daily doings could penetrate to his knowledge without the special intervention of some accredited emissary such as their mother as he spoke lady isabel looked up and barbara left the piano and came slowly down the room it has come flashed through alex's mind she only said very lamely i-i don't know what you mean father there was all the shifting uneasiness in her manner that sir francis most disliked oh darling don't prevaricate hastily broke in lady isabel with an obvious uneasiness that gave the impression of being rooted in something deeper and of longer standing than the atmosphere of disturbance momentarily created

but you did not want me to come with you and barbara to the stores this afternoon said alex cravenly the instinct of evading the direct issue was so strongly implanted in her that she was prepared to have recourse to the feeblest and least convincing of subterfuges in order to gain time of course i don't want you to come anywhere when it all so obviously bores you plaintively said lady isabel i have almost given up trying to take you anywhere alex as you very well know you evidently prefer to go and sit in a little stuffy back room somewhere with heaven knows whom sooner than remain in the company of your mother and sister alex felt too much dismayed and unwillingly convicted to make any reply but after a momentary silence sir francis spoke ominously indeed is that so the suspicion that had laid dormant in alex for a long time woke to life her father's disappointment in her none the less keenly felt because inarticulate had become merged into a far greater bitterness that of his resentment on behalf of his wife a personal grievance he might overlook though once perceived he would never forget it but where lady isabel's due was concerned her husband was capable of implacability

and may one inquire whose is the society which you find so preferable to that of your family he asked her with the manifest sarcasm that in him denoted the extreme of anger alex was constitutionally so much terrified of disapproval that it produced in her a veritable physical inability to explain herself she cast an agonized look around her her mother was leaning back her face strained and tired and would not meet her eye sir francis she knew without daring to look at him was swinging his eye-glasses to and fro with a measured regularity that indicated his determination to wait inexorably and for any length of time for a reply to his inquiry barbara's big alert eyes moved from one member of the group to another acute and full of appraisement of them all alex flung a wordless appeal to her sister barbara did not fail to receive an under standard and after a moment she spoke alex goes to see the superior of that condent near bryanston square she made friends with her in the summer didn't you alex yes faltered alex some instinct of trying to palliate what she felt would be looked upon as undesirable made her add in feeble extenuation it is a house of the same order as the lige one where i was at school you know

your devotion to it was not so marked in those days if i remember right said her father in the same rather elaborately sarcastic strain lady isabel no less uneasy under it than was alex herself broke in with nervous exasperation in her every intonation oh frances it's the same old story one of those foolish infatuations you know what she has always been like and how worried i was about that dreadful torrance girl it's this nun now i suppose who is this woman how should i know helplessly said lady isabel alex the superior the head of the house alex stopped how could one say mother gertrude of the holy cross she did not even know what the superior's name in the world had been or where she came from go on said sir francis inexorably they were all looking at her and sheer desperation came to her help why shouldn't i have friends what is all this about alex asked wildly it's my own life i don't want to be undutiful but why can't i live my own life everything i ever do is wrong and i know you and father are disappointed in me but i don't know how to be different i wish i did

she was crying bitterly now you wanted me to marry noel and i would have if i could but i knew that it would all have been wrong and we should have made each other miserable only when i did break it off it all seemed wrong and heartless and i don't know what to do she felt herself becoming incoherent and the tension of the atmosphere grew almost unbearable sir francis clare spoke true to the traditions of his day viewing with something very much like horror the breaking down of those defences of a conventional reserve that should lay bare the undisciplined emotions of the soul you have said enough alex there are certain things that we do not put into words you are unhappy my child you have said so yourself and it has been sufficiently obvious for some time but what is it that you want alex what would make you happy her mother broke in piteously enough in the face of their perplexity alex lost the last feeble clue to her own complexity she did not know what she wanted to make them happy to be happy herself to be adored and admired and radiantly successful never to know loneliness or misunderstanding again such thoughts surged chaotically through her mind as she stood there sobbing and could find no words except the childish foolish formula i don't know she saw barbara's eager protesting gaze flash upon her and heard her half-stifled exclamation of wondering contempt

sir francis turned to his younger daughter almost as though seeking elucidation from her obvious certainties her crude assurance with life oh said little barbara her hands clenched they ask you what you want what would make you happy they're practically offering you anything you want in the world you could choose anything and you stand there and cry and say you don't know oh alex you-you idiot hush said sir francis shocked and lady isabel put out her white hand with its glittering weight of rings and laid it gently on barbara's shoulder and she too said hush darling why are you so vehement you're happy aren't you barbara of course said barbara wriggling only if you and father asked me what i would like and i had only to say what i wanted i could think of such millions of things for us to have a house in the country and to give a real proper big ball next year and for you to let me go to restaurant dinner sometimes and not only those dull parties and heaps of things like that it's such an opportunity and alex is wasting it all the only thing she wants is to sit and talk and talk and talk with some dull old nun at that convent

long afterwards alex was to remember and ponder over again and again that denunciation of barbara's it was all fact was it all true was that what she was fighting for that the goal of her vehement inchoate rebellion had she sought in mother gertrude's society the relief of self-expression only or was her infatuation for the nun the channel through which she hoped to find those abstract possessions of the spirit which might constitute the happiness she craved nothing of all the questionings that were to come later invaded her mind as she stood sobbing and self-convicted at the crises of her relations with her childhood's home don't cry so alex darling lady isabel sank back into her armchair don't cry like that it's so bad for you and i can't bear it we only want to know how we can make you happier than you are it's so dreadful alex you've got everything i should have thought-a home and parents who love you it isn't every girl that has a father like yours some of them care nothing for their daughters and you're young and pretty and with good health you might have such a perfect time even if you have made a mistake poor little thing there'll be other people alex you'll know better another time only i can't bear it if you lose all your looks by fretting and refusing to go anywhere and every one asks me where my eldest daughter is and why she doesn't make more friends and enjoy things

lady isabel's voice trailed away she looked unutterably tired they had none of them heard so emotional a ring in her voice ever before sir francis looked down at his wife in silence and his gaze was as tender as his voice was stern when he finally spoke this cannot go on you have done everything to please alex to try and make her happy and it has all been of no use let her take her own way we have failed no almost shrieked alex what do you mean we have your own word for it and your sister's that you are not happy at home and infinitely prefer the society of some woman of whom we know nothing in surroundings which i should have thought would have proved highly uncongenial to one of my daughters brought up among well-bred people but apparently i am mistaken it is the modern way i am told a young girl uses her father's house to shelter and feed her and seeks her own friends and her own interests the while with no reference to her parents wishes but not in this case alex i have your mother and your sisters to consider your folly is embittering the home life that might be so happy and pleasant for all of us look at your mother

lady isabel was in tears what shall i do said alex wildly let me go right away and not spoil things any more you have said it replied sir francis gravely and inclined his head frances what are you telling me how can she go away from us it's her home until she marries lady isabel's voice was full of distressed perplexity my dear love don't don't agitate yourself this is her home as you say and is always open to her but until she has learnt to be happy there let her seek these new friends whom she so infinitely prefers let her go to this nun alex at his words felt a rush of longing for the tenderness the grave understanding of mother gertrude the atmosphere of the quiet convent parlour where she had never heard reproach or accusation oh yes let me go there she sobbed childishly i'll try and be good there i'll come back good indeed i will barbara's little cool voice cut across her sobs how can you go there will they let you stay what will every one think so many girls take up slumming and good works nowadays said lady isabel wearily

every one knows she's been upset and unhappy for a long while it may be the best plan my poor darling when you're tired of it you can come back and will try again there was no reproach at all in her voice now only exhaustion and a sort of relief at having reached a conclusion you hear what your mother says if her angelic love and patience do not touch you alex you must indeed be heartless make your arrangements and remember my poor child that as long as her arms remain open to you i will receive you home again with love and patience and without one word of reproach he opened the door for lady isabel and followed slowly from the room his iron-grey head shaking a little alex flung herself down and barbara laid her hand half timidly on her sister's in one of her rare caresses don't cry alex are you really going it's much the best idea of course and by the time you come back they may have something else to think about she giggled a little self-consciously and waited as though to be questioned i might be engaged to be married or something like that and then you'd come back to be my bridesmaid and no one would think of anything unhappy alex made no answer her tears had exhausted her and she felt weak and tired how are you going to settle it all pursued barbara tirelessly hadn't you better write to them and see if they'll have you supposing mother gertrude said you couldn't go there

a pang of terror shot through alex at the thought oh no no she won't say she couldn't have me she went blindly to the carved writing-table with its heavy gilt and cut-glass appointments and drew a sheet of paper towards her barbara stood watching her curiously feeling as though the power of consecutive thought had almost left her alex scrawled a few words and addressed them to the superior we can send it round by hand said barbara coolly then you'll know to-night alex looked utterly bewildered it's quite early holland can go in a cab barbara rang the bell importantly and gave her instructions in a small hard voice it's no use just waiting about for days and days she said to alex it makes the whole house feel horrid and father is so grave and sarcastic at meals and it makes mother ill you'd much rather be there than here wouldn't you alex alex thought again of the superior's welcome which had never failed her the superior who knew nothing of her wicked ingratitude and undutifulness at home and repeated miserably yes yes i'd much rather be there than here the answer to the note came much more quickly than they had expected it barbara heard the cab stop in the square outside and ran down into the hall she came back in a moment with a small twisted note what does it say alex alex read the tiny missive and a great throb of purest relief and comfort went through her

i may go at once she's waiting for me now-this minute if i like what did i tell you cried barbara triumphantly she looked sharply at her sister who was unconsciously clasping the little note as though she derived positive consolation from the contact she went to the door holland is the cab still there yes miss barbara why don't you go back in it now alex to-night why not she says she's waiting for you and it would all be much easier than a lot of good-byes and things with father and mother i couldn't go without telling them i'll tell them alex felt no strength only a longing for quiet and for mother gertrude ask if i may she said faintly barbara darted out of the room when she came back alex heard her giving orders to holland to pack a dressing-bag with things for the night then she hurried into the room again they said yes she announced i think they agree with me that it's much the best thing to do it at once after all you're only going for a little visit mother said i was to give you her love she's lying down shall i go in to her you'd better not father's there too i've told holland to pack your bag we can send the other things to-morrow but i shan't want much it's only for a little while yes that's all isn't it said barbara quickly it's only for a little while shall i fetch your things alex alex was relieved to be spared the ascent to the top of the house for which her limbs felt far too weary

she sat and looked round her at the big double drawing-room crowded with heavy victorian furniture and upholstered in yellow brocaded satin she had always thought it a beautiful room and the recollection of its splendour and of the big gilt framed pictures in mirrors that hung round its wall was mingled with the earliest memories of her nursery days here you are said barbara i've brought your fur boa too because it's sure to be cold holland has got your bag without a word alex rose and they went down the broad staircase i hope it'll be nice said barbara cheerfully it's very brave of you to go i think alex and you'll write and tell me all about it and how you like poor people and all that sort of thing alex realized that her sister was talking for the benefit of the servants there was a rush of icy sleet laden wind as the front door was opened gracious what a night barbara retreated to the stairs again good-bye alex let me know what things you want sent on good-bye said alex apathetic from fatigue she turned and waved her hand once to barbara a slim alert little figure clinging to the great carved foot of the balustrade the lamplight casting a radiance over her light puffed-out hair and gleaming fitfully over the shining steel buckles on her pointed shoes

alex hurried through the cold evening to the shelter of the cab it jolted slowly through the lighted streets and she leant back her eyes closed a wave of sick apprehension surged over her every now and then and she shivered spasmodically under her fur here we are miss shall i get out and ring so that you won't have to wait in this cold said the maid compassionately from the dark corner of the cab alex watched the trim black-clad figure mount the steps there was always a long wait before the convent door was opened but to-night it was flung back and warm light streamed out alex cold and frightened stumbled up the steps in her turn it was not the old portress who had thrown back the open door the superior was waiting her hands outstretched my child my child come in welcome home chapter eighteen