Chapter 21
chapter twenty one of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain father farrell for what seemed a long while afterwards a period which indeed covered three or four weeks alex learnt to be intensely and humbly grateful for the convent law that would not allow any form of personalities in intercourse she was utterly unable to cease from crying and in spite of her shame and almost her terror the tears continued to stream down her face in the chapel in the refectory even at the hour of recreation nobody asked her any questions one or two of the nuns looked at her compassionately or made some kindly little friendly remark a lay sister now and then offered her an unexpected piece of help in her work and the infirmarian occasionally sent her a cup of bouillon for dinner but it was nobody's business to offer inquiries and had any one done so the rule would have compelled sister alexandra to reply by a generality and to change the conversation without delay only the superior was entitled to probe deeper
and at first the frenchwoman who was temporarily succeeding mother gertrude was too much occupied by her new cares to see much of her community individually alex was relieved when the christmas holidays began and she had no longer to fear the notice of the sharp-eyed children but in the reduction of work surrounding the festive season it became impossible that her breakdown should continue to pass unnoticed she did not herself know what was the matter and could scarcely have given a cause for those incessant tears except that she was unutterably weary and miserable and that they had passed far beyond her own control the idea that that continuous weeping could have any connection with a physical nervous breakdown never occurred to her it was with surprise and very little thought of cause and effect that she one night noticed her own extraordinary loss of flesh she had never been anything but thin and slightly built but now she quite suddenly perceived that her arms and legs in the last two months had taken on an astounding and literal resemblance to long sticks of white wood
all the way up from wrist to armpit her left hand with thumb and middle finger joined could span the circumference of her right arm it seemed incredible her mind went back ten years and she thought of lady isabel and how much she had lamented her daughter's youthful angularity if she could have seen this thought alex but of course it only mattered for evening dress she wouldn't have thought it mattered for a nun instantly she began to cry again although her head throbbed and her eyes burned and smarted there was no need now to wonder if she looked tired accidentally one day her hand to her face she had felt the sort of deeply hollowed pit that now lay underneath each eye worn into a groove she had ceased to wonder whether life would ever offer anything but this mechanical round of blurred pain and misery these incessant tears when the superior sent for her what is the matter with you sister they tell me you are always in tears are you ill alex shook her head dumbly sister control yourself you will be ill if you cry like that don't kneel sit down the superior's tone was very kind and the note of sympathy shook alex afresh tell me what it is don't be afraid i want to leave the convent i want to be released from my vows
she had never meant to say it she had never known that such a thought was in her mind but the moment that the words were uttered the first sense of relief that she had felt surged within her it was the remembrance of that rush of relief that enabled her sobbing to repeat the shameful recantation in the face of the superior's grave pitiful urgings and assurance that she did not know what she was saying after that an appalling crisis that left her utterly exhausted and with no vestige of belief left in her own ultimate salvation everything was changed she was treated as an invalid and sent to lie down instead of joining the community at the hour of recreation the superior herself devoted almost an hour to her every day and nearly all her work was taken away so that she could walk alone round the big verger and the enclosed garden and read the carefully selected lives and treaties that the superior chose for her gradually some sort of poise returned to her she could control her tears and drink the soups and tisans that were specially prepared and put before her and as the year advanced she could feel the first hint of spring stirring in her exhaustion she was devoid alike of apprehension and of hope
no solution appeared to her conceivable save possibly that of her own death and she knew that none would be attempted until the return of the superior general from south america as this delayed she became more and more convinced in despite of all reason of the immutable eternity of the present state of affairs it shocked her when one day the superior said to her you are to go to the superior of the jesuits college in the parlour this afternoon do you remember he preached the sermon for your profession and i think he has been here once or twice in the last year or two he is a very wise and clever and holy man and ought to help you besides he is of your own nationality alex remembered the tall good-looking irishman very well he had once or twice visited the convent and had always told amusing stories at recreation and preached vigorous inspiring sermons in the chapel with more than a spice of originality to colour them the children adored him alex wondered perhaps father farrell the clever and educated priest would really see in some new aspect the problem that left her baffled and sick of soul and body she went into the parlour that afternoon trembling with mingled dread
and the first faint stirrings of hope that understanding and release from herself and her wickedness might yet be in store for her father farrell big and broad-shouldered with iron-gray wavy hair and a strong handsome face turned from the window as she entered the room come in sister come in sit down won't you they tell me you've not been well you don't look it you don't look it his voice too was big and bluff and hearty full of decision the voice of a man accustomed to the command of men he pushed a chair forward and motioned her with a quick imperious gesture that yet held kindness to sit down he himself stood towering over her by the window well now what's all the trouble sister there was the suspicion of a brogue in his cultivated tones alex made a tremendous effort she told herself that he could not help her unless she told him the truth she said as she had said to the french superior i am very unhappy i want to be released from my vows as a nun the priest gave her one very quick penetrating look and his thick eyebrows went up into his hair for an instant but he did not speak
i don't think i have ever had any any real vocation said alex whitening from the effort of an admission that she knew he must regard as degrading and how long have you thought she had no real vocation there was the slightest possible discernible tinge of kindly derision in the inquiry it gave the final touch to her disconcertment i don't know she felt the folly of her reply even before the priest's laugh tinged with a sort of vexed contempt rang through the room now my dear child this is perfect nonsense let me tell you did you ever hear the like of such folly no real vocation and here you've been a professed religious for how long is it nearly four years since i was finally professed there's no but about it sister a vow made to our blessed lord and have ye know is not like an old glove to be thrown away when you think you're tired of it no no sister that'll not be the way of it you'll get over this my dear child with a little faith and perseverance it's just a temptation that you've perhaps been giving way to owing to fatigue and ill-health you feel it's all too hard for you is that it
no said alex frantically that's not it it's nothing like that it's that i can't bear this way of living any longer i want a home and to be allowed to care for people and to have friends again i can't live by myself she knew that she had voiced the truth as she knew it and covered her face with her hands in dread lest it might fail to reach his perceptions she heard a change in father farrell's voice when he next spoke you'd better tell me the whole tale sister who is it you want to go back to in the world she looked up bewildered any one home where i can just be myself again and how much home have you got left after being a nun for ten years is your mother alive no your father no faltered alex they died after you left home i dare say yes then in the name of goodness who do you expect is going to make a home for ye have ye sisters and brothers yes alex hesitated seeing at last whither his inquiries were tending yes and i'm thinking they're married and with homes of their own by this time said the priest shrewdly let me tell ye ten years sees a good many changes in the world and it isn't much of a welcome ye get by breaking your holy vows and making a great scandal in the church and then planting yourself on relations who've lost touch with ye more or less and have homes of their own and a husband or wife as the case may be and perhaps little children to care for
a maiden aunt isn't so very much thought of in the best of circumstances let me tell ye now isn't there reason in what i'm saying sister sick conviction shot through her yes father well then you'll just give up that foolish notion now he looked at her white desperate face and began to take long strides up and down the room have you confidence in your superior do you get on with her he asked suddenly our present superior has only been here a little while the one before that-i know i know he interrupted impatiently it's the superior general i mean of course everything must come to her in the long run naturally have you full confidence in her now alex felt as incapable of a negative reply as of an affirmative one she knew that she did not understand the term full confidence as he did and she temporized weakly but our mother general is away in south america she keeps delaying and that's one reason why nothing has been settled about me she hasn't even left america yet
i'm well aware of that don't waste time playing with me that way sister you'll get no further you know very well what i mean now tell me now will it do for ye if i arrange for your transport to another house maybe to the one in london or somewhere in your own country the instinct of the imprisoned creature that sees another form of the same trap offered it under the guise of freedom made her revolt no she cried no i want to get right away i want to stop being a nun the priest suddenly hit the table with his clenched fist making it rock and making his order to start painfully that's what you'll never do not if you got release from the holy vows ten times over once a nun always a nun sister although ye may be false and faithless and go back into the very midst of the world ye have renounced but you'll find no comfort there no blessing and god'll remember it against you sister a soul that spurns his choicest graces need expect no mercy either here or hereafter i tell you straight sister that you'll be deliberately jeopardizing your immortal soul if you give in to this wicked folly
you've to choose between god and the devil between a little while of suffering here maybe and then eternity in which to enjoy the reward of the faithful or a hideous mockery of freedom here followed by hell and its torments for ever and ever which is it to be alex was terrified but it was the priest's anger that terrified her not the threats that he uttered at the back of her mind lay the dim conviction that no hell could surpass in intensity of bitterness that which her spirit was traversing on earth father farrel looked at her frightened distorted face and his voice sank into persuasiveness this'll pass my dear child many a poor soul before ye has known what it is to falter by the wayside but courage sister ye can conquer this weakness with god's help ye're in no trouble about your faith now are ye had alex been able to formulate her thoughts clearly she might have told him that it had long since become a matter of supreme unimportance to her whether or no she still possessed that which he termed her faith as a fact the beliefs which could alone have made the convent life endurable to her had never struck more than the most shallow of roots into her consciousness perhaps the only belief which had any real hold upon her was the one that she had gradually formed upon her experience of the living that god was a superior being who must be propitiated by the sacrifice of all that one held dear lest he strike it from one
she looked dimly at father farrell and shook her head because she was afraid of his anger as she owned to the utter insecurity of her hold upon any religious convictions that's right that's right he said hastily i felt sure you were a good child at bottom now would you like to make a good general confession and i'll give you absolution and you can start again some hint of inflexibility in the last words roused alex to a final frantic bid for liberty it's no use it won't do for me to begin again i can't stay on if i can't get released from my vows ill ill run away then there was a long silence when the priest spoke again however his voice held more of meditative speculation than of the anger which she feared supposing i could arrange it for ye i don't say i could mind but it might be done if good reasons were shown what would you say to another religious order altogether it may be that this life is unsuited to ye there have been such cases i know a holy carmelite nun who was in quite another order for nearly fifteen years before she found out where the lord really wanted her are ye one of those maybe
no spoke alex almost sullenly the conflict was wearing her out and she was conscious only of a blind unreasoning instinct that if she once gave ground she would find herself for ever bound to the life which had become unendurable to her what do you mean no i want to go away i want to be released from my vows the formula had become almost mechanical now the jesuit for the first time dropped the brusqueness of manner habitual to him pacing the length of the big parlour with measured even strides his hands clasped behind his shabby cassock he let his deep naturally rhetorical voice boom out in full rolling periods through the room why did you come to me at all sister it wasn't for advice and it wasn't for help i've offered both and you'll take neither having put your hand to the plough you've looked back ye say that sooner than remain faithful you'll run away you'll make a scandal and a disgrace for the community that's sheltered ye and bring shame and sorrow to the good mothers here what did you expect me to answer to that if your whole will is turned to evil it was a farce and a mockery to come to me i can do nothing but one thing i'll tell you sister if you do this thing if it goes up to rome and the vows you took in full consciousness and free will on the day you were professed are dissolved
so far as they ever can be that is and let me tell you that it's neither a quick nor an easy business if it comes to that sister there'll be no going back no cringing round to the convent afterwards when you find there's no place and no welcome for ye in the world asking to be taken back they'll not have your sister and they'll be right if you go it's forever it seemed to alex that he was purposely seeking to frighten her that he wanted to add fresh miseries and apprehensions to those already piled upon her and a faint resentment flicked at her in questioning acceptance of such an assumption the shadow of spirit thus restored to her just enabled her to endure the seemingly endless exposition hurled at her in the priest's powerful voice when it was all over she crawled out of the room like a creature that had been beaten stunned she only knew that yet another fellow-creature had entered the league of those who were angered against her chapter twenty one
