menu_book Chapter 20

chapter twenty of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain aftermath alex could not believe the extent of the calamity that had befallen her nor did she realize at first that the very mainspring of her life in the convent was attacked it astounded her to perceive that to the rest of the community the news brought no overwhelming shock such sudden uprootings and transfers were not uncommon and the notice given was generally a twenty-four hour one mother gertrude had nearly a week in which to make her few preparations for an exile that almost certainly was for life and to prepare herself as far as possible for new and heavy responsibilities the superior general was herself proceeding to south america with the little band of chosen pioneers representative of almost every european house of the order and after inaugurating the establishment of the new venture was to return to liege with one lay-sister only as companion in the general concern for her welfare and admiration of her courage in undertaking such a journey on the eve of her sixty-third birthday it seemed to alex that all other considerations were overlooked or ignored entirely

she was aware that the convent spirit of detachment so much advocated and the consciousness of that vow of obedience made freely and fully would alike preclude the possibility of any spoken protest or lamentation over the separation the severing of human ties was part and parcel of a nun's sacrifice and her life was in the hands of her spiritual superiors there was no discussion possible mother gertrude although the look of strain was deepening round her eyes and mouth went steadily about her duties and spared herself in nothing her place was to be taken temporarily by a french nun who had been for many years at liege and the charge was handed over with the least possible dislocation it was on a tuesday night that mother gertrude had been told of the destiny in store for her and on the following saturday she was to proceed with her superior to paris and thence to marseilles to the boat wednesday and thursday alex never saw her she had expected it and was moreover far too much stunned to realize anything beyond the immediate necessity for taking her habitual place in the community life without betraying the sense of utter despair that was hovering over her on friday afternoon mother gertrude said to her i have not had one spare moment to give you my poor child but i think you know everything that i would say to you be very very faithful sister and remember that these separations may be for life but all eternity is before us

alex could capture nothing of the rapt assurance that lay in the upraised eyes and vibrant voice what shall i do without you she asked despairingly feeling how inadequate the words were to voice her sense of utter deprivation the light watchful eyes of the superior seemed to pierce through her don't say that dear child you do not depend in any sense upon another creature i have been nothing to you but a means to an end it was given to me to help you a little years ago to find your holy vocation you know that human friendships in themselves mean nothing something in alex seemed to be crying and protesting aloud in heart-broken repudiation of the formula to which her lips had so often subscribed but her own tacit acquiescence of years rose to rebuke her and the dread of vexing and alienating the supervisor at this eleventh hour dumbly she knelt down on the floor beside the superior's chair mother gertrude looked at her compassionately enough but with the strange remoteness induced by the long cultivation of an absolutely impersonal relation towards humanity my poor little sister sometimes lately i have wondered whether i have been altogether wise in my treatment of you and whether i have not allowed you to give way to natural affection too much perhaps this break has come in time

you must remember that you have renounced all earthly ties even the holiest and most sacred ones and therefore you must be ready to make any sacrifice for the sake of your one supreme love there is so much i should like to say to you but time is getting short now and there is a great deal to be done god bless you my child the superior laid her hand on sister alexandra's bent head alex clasped it desperately i shall still be your child always she almost wailed with a weight of things unspoken on her heart and in a last frantic attempt to carry away one definite assurance the slightest possible severity mingled in mother gertrude's clear gaze bent downwards as she rose to her full height her carriage as upright and as dignified as it had been ten years before no sister she said very distinctly you will be the child of whatever superior god may send you in my place you know that we in the convent have no human ties only spiritual ones you will see your divine master and him only in the person of your superior in religion remember that little sister you must learn detachment if you are to be truly faithful this is my last and most earnest counsel to you i shall pray daily that you may be given strength to follow it

don't go gasped alex hardly knowing what she said as she saw the superior's hand upon the door don't go away like that oh mother mother how shall i bear it i've only got you and now you're going away forever she broke into tearless sobs sister alexandra has it come to this i am indeed to blame if you are still so undisciplined and so weak as to cling to a mere creature you that have been chosen by god to love him and him only i could not have believed it mother gertrude's tone held bitter remorse and shame alex's old pitiful instinct of propitiating the being she loved best sprang to life within her no no i didn't really mean it i know i mustn't the nun gazed at her in compassionate perplexity you are overstrung and tired you don't know what you're saying when you come to yourself my poor child you will hardly believe that you could have proved so disloyal even for a moment now calm yourself and do not attempt to join the recreation to-night you are not fit for it i will tell our mother general that i have told you to go to your cell as soon as supper is over good-night and again good-bye

sheer terror at the bare thought of being left there alone forced alex to her feet although she could scarcely stand and was trembling violently you won't forget me she entreated almost inaudibly i shall always remember you in my prayers as i do all those who have been under my direction indeed you will have a special place in them said the superior gravely since i can never forget that by the grace of god i was instrumental in bringing you into his holy house but never forget that no human relation however precious it may be can have any completeness in itself it all has to lead on to the one supreme thing sister the one thing necessary now you must detain me no longer she freed herself from the convulsive grasp that alex had unconsciously fastened on to the folds of her habit and moved unhesitatingly to the door alex followed her with eyes that stared blankly from a blanched face she felt as though she was under a spell and could neither move nor speak she could not believe that mother gertrude would really leave her in that way the superior opened the door and passed out closing it behind her without pausing or looking back alex heard her steps receding rapid and measured along the uncarpeted corridor outside

she stayed on and on in the little cold room the winter dusk deepening rapidly outside the silence only broken by the occasional clanging of a bell to the sound of which she was so much inured that it hardly struck upon her senses she thought that mother gertrude would come back to her there must be some other last words between them than those few impersonal counsels of perfection that repudiated any more intimate link such as alex's exclusive jealousy stifled but never stronger than after those ten years of repression now claimed with such frantic yearning she waited scarcely moving she grew colder and colder but she was unconscious of her icy feet and leaden hands she was not even aware of consecutive thought her whole body was absorbed in the supreme act of awaiting the superior's return for the word the look that should at least break the dreadful darkness that encompassed her soul of the sudden deprivation of that one outlet which had unaware served as a safety-valve for the whole craving dependence of her spirit mother gertrude did not come back dusk turned rapidly to night and the distant cries and laughter of the children's evening recreation fell into a quiet that was only shattered by the single note of the deep-toned bell

that proclaimed the hour of silence and the final gathering of the community for the last recital of the office in the chapel there was the flicker of a light along the passage outside and the door opened at last alex did not move she turned anguished eyes that held scarcely any comprehension in the immensity of their fatigue towards the entering figure it was that of the old infirmarian who put down the lighted candle and threw up her hands in dismay as her gaze met that of the younger nun mindful of the hour of silence she asked no question but she took alex away to the convent infirmary and placed her in a bed of which the mattress seemed strangely and wonderfully soft after the pelasse in her cell and gave her a hot sweet strongly scented tisane and bade her sleep mesdemains whispered alex she was thinking of the early departure in the raw morning cold when the convoy that was leaving for south america would be driven away from the convent but the infirmarian shook her head and shuffled slowly away leaving the room in darkness she was old and very tired and for her there was no demain except the glorious dawn that should herald the day of eternity

alex lay awake in the merciful darkness and envisaged the culmination of long years of stifled repression and self-deception she knew now as she had never let herself know before what had sustained her through the dragging years after the final objective of her vows had been left behind she knew that she had thought herself to be answering to a call of god when she had been hearing only the voice of mother gertrude and had been craving only for mother gertrude's tenderness and approbation physical pangs of terror shot through her and shook her from head to foot as she realized to what she had bound herself which now presented itself to her overstrung perceptions only in the crudest terms to live without earthly affection to relinquish love as she understood it in terms of human sympathy for an ideal to which she knew with tardy and unerring certainty that nothing within her would ever conform she knew now with that appalling clear-sightedness to which humanity is mercifully a stranger until or unless the last outposts of sanity are almost reached that the vocation of which they all spoke so glibly had never been hers

she had entered a life for which her every instinct declared her to be utterly unfitted in search of that which her few short years in the outside world had denied her the convent instinct ingrained in her at last added to the anguish of startled horror at the wickedness of her own state of mind god is not mocked she thought alex had tried to cheat god and for ten years he had stayed his hand and had allowed her deception to go on and now it had all fallen on her shame and punishment and despair and nowhere any human help or consolation to turn to she prayed frenziedly in the darkness but no comfort came to her she stifled in the pillow the imploring crying aloud of mother gertrude's name that sprang to her lips but with a pang that sickened her she recalled the superior parting from her that evening her undeviating fidelity to an austere ideal which should also have been alex's there was nothing anywhere and with that final certainty of negation came a rigidity of despair that no terms of time or space could measure alex fell into exhaustion then into a state of coma that became heavy dreamless sleep enduring far into the next day she woke to instant stabbing recollection it was a grey leaden day with rain lashing the window panes

and at first alex thought that it might be still early morning but there was all the far-away indescribable stir that tells of a household when the day's work is in full swing and presently she realised that it must be the middle of the morning they have gone she thought but the words conveyed no meaning to her the infirmarian came in to her and spoke and asked whether she felt fit to get up and although on the day before alex had so craved for rest she heard her own voice replying indifferently that she thought she was quite well and that she was ready to rise at once you are sure you have taken no chill you must have been there in mother gertrude's room for a long time after you were taken faint can you remember the nun looked at her puzzled and anxious did i faint i think so surely you were almost unconscious when i came in quite by chance and found you there almost frozen poor little sister now tell me the old infirmarian put a few stereotyped questions such as she addressed to all those of her patients whose ailments could not be immediately diagnosed at sight alex's matter-of-fact replies for the most part denials of the suggested ills left her no wiser finally she decided on a refroidissement

put a piece of flannel over your chest she said gravely and you had perhaps better spend recreation indoors until the spell of cold is over thank you said sister alexandra lifelessly what time is it nearly eleven have you any duties for which you should be replaced this morning there are a lot of things i think said alex vaguely but i can get up very well the infirmarian acquiesced unemotionally there is much work to be done as you say and we nuns cannot afford to be ill for long alex did not think that she was ill she was quite able to get up and dress herself although her head was aching and her hands shook oddly she reflected with dull surprise that all the poignant misery of the days that had gone before seemed to have left her evidently this was what people meant by getting over things one suffered until one could bear no more and then it was all numbness and inertia she felt a sort of surprised gratitude to god at the cessation of pain as one who had undergone torture might feel towards the torturers for some brief respite her thankfulness made tears come into her eyes and she forced them back with a sort of wonder at herself but that odd disposition to weep still remained with her as she went downstairs rather slowly and cautiously because her knees were shaking so strangely

she met a very little girl the pet and baby of the whole establishment climbing upwards she was holding up the corners of her diminutive black apron with both hands and after looking at the nun silently for a moment she showed her that it contained two tiny struggling kittens les petits enfants de minet she announced gravely and went on climbing clasping her burden tenderly alex could never have told what it was that struck her with so unbearable a sense of pathos in the sight of the little childish figure quite suddenly the tears began to pour down her face and she could neither have checked them nor have assigned any reason for them she went on downstairs wiping the blinding tears from her sight and amazed at the violence of the uncontrollable sobs that were noiselessly shaking her something had suddenly given way within her and passed far beyond her own control it was as though she could never stop crying again chapter twenty