menu_book Chapter 23

chapter twenty three of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain n w alex got off the boat at folkestone dazed and bewildered she had been ill all through the crossing and her head was still swimming she grasped her heavy clumsy suit-case and was thankful to have no luggage when she saw the seething crowd of passengers running after uniformed porters in search of heavy baggage that was being flung on to trucks to an accompaniment of noise and shouting that frightened her she made her way to the train and into a third-class carriage too much afraid of it starting without her to dare to go in search of the hot tea which she saw the passengers drinking thankfully it was a raw grey day and alex in her thin serge coat and skirt that had been so much too hot in italy shivered violently her gloves were nearly threadbare and her hands felt clammy and stiff she took off her little black straw toque and leant her head against the back of the seat wishing that she could sleep it seemed to her that the other people in the carriage were looking at her suspiciously and she closed her eyes so as not to see them after a long while the train started

alex tried to make plans in the shabby purse which she had clasped in her hand all the way for fear of its being stolen was a piece of paper with barbara's address she would not go to clevedon square for fear of cedric's unknown wife a cedric with a wife and child alex marvelled and could not believe that she might soon make the acquaintance of these beings who seemed to her so nearly mythical the thought of barbara as a widow living in a little house of her own in hampstead seemed far less unfamiliar barbara had always written regularly to alex and had twice been to see her when she was in the english house and once in her early days in belgium barbara had often said in her letters that she was very lonely and that it was terrible having to live so far out of town because of expenses ralph poor dear had left her very very badly off and there had been very little more for her on the death of sir francis alex supposed that downshire hill must be a very unfashionable address but she did not connect n w with any particular locality she was always very stupid at finding her way about and anyhow her bag was heavy she decided that she would take a cab at charing cross it was raining and the noise was deafening

alex had meant to send barbara a telegram from folkestone but had not known where to find the telegraph office and she now realized with a pang of dismay that her sister would not be expecting her how stupid i am and how badly i manage things she thought i hope she won't be out the number of taxis at the station bewildered alex who had only seen one or two crawling about the streets in rome and had heard of them besides as ruinously expensive she found a four-wheeled cab and put her bag on the floor the man did not get down from his box to open the door for her as she expected he leant down and asked hoarsely where do you want to go miss downshear hill said alex number one o one downshear hill where's that "'I don't know,' said Alex, frightened. She wondered if the man was drunk and prepared to pull her bag out of the cab again.

"'Off a minute!' He called out something unintelligible to another driver and received an answer. "'Down she rolls N.W.' He then informed her. "'Out Amstead way.'

"'Yes,' said Alex. "'Can't you take me there?' He looked at her shabby clothes and white, frightened face. "'I'd like to see my fare first, if you please,' he said insolently. alex was too much afraid of his making the scene to refuse how much will it be seven and sixpence miss she pulled two half-crowns out of her purse it was all she had left this is all the change i have she told him in a shaking voice they will pay the rest when i get there

he muttered something dissatisfied but put the coins into his pocket alex climbed into the cab it jolted away very slowly the rain was falling fast and dashing against the windows of the cab alex glanced out but the streets through which they were driving were all unfamiliar to her it seemed a very long way to downshire hill she began to wonder very much how barbara would receive her and how she could make clear to her the long restless agony that had led her to obtain release from her vows would barbara understand letters had been very inadequate and although barbara had written that alex had better come to her for a while if she meant to return to england she had given no hint of any deeper comprehension we must make plans when we meet she had written at the end of the letter alex wondered with a sense of apprehension what those plans would be she had for so long become accustomed to being treated as a chattel without volition of her own that it did not occur to her that she would have any hand in forming her future life presently she became conscious that the rain had stopped and that the atmosphere was lighter she let down the glass of the window nearest her and saw with surprise that there was a rolling expanse of green with a number of willow trees on one side of the road it did not look like london

then the cab turned a corner and alex saw downshire hill on a small board against the wall this was where barbara lived then the little houses were small and compact but of agreeably varying height and shape with a tiny enclosure of green in front of each protected by railings and a little gate number one o one before which the cab drew up had a bush that alex thought must be lilac and was covered with ivy there were red blinds to the windows she got out pulling her heavy bag after her and timidly pushed open the little gate glancing up at the windows as she did so there was no one to be seen still clutching at her suitcase alex pulled the bell faintly there's half my farrowing yet said the cabman gruffly thus reminded alex rang again an elderly parlourmaid with iron-grey hair and a hard face opened the door is is mrs mcallister at home faltered alex i'll inquire said the maid with a lightning glance at the suit-case she left the door open and alex saw a little flight of stairs a murmured colloquy took place at the top and then barbara slight and severely black-clad came down alex that's not you yes oh barbara

my dear i've been expecting to hear from you every day i've been imagining all sorts of awful things why didn't you wire do come in you must be dead and have you been carrying that huge bag i came from the station in a cab a cab echoed barbara in rather a dismayed voice what a long way to come when you could have done it so easily by the underground railway but i suppose you didn't know no repeated alex blankly i didn't know what's he waiting for will he carry your trunk upstairs that's all the luggage i have and i can carry it up quite well and it isn't heavy but i hadn't quite enough money for the fare he ought to have another half-crown oh dear said barbara wait a minute then alex she disappeared up the stairs leaving alex alone with the severe parlour-maid who still held open the front door she leant against the wall in the tiny passage wondering what she had expected of her actual arrival that the reality should give her such a sense of misery if only she had telegraphed to barbara from folkestone here's two shillings ada have you got a sixpence by any chance there's sixpence in the kitchen said ada and fetched it

there said barbara pay him then please ada now alex come upstairs and sit down you look dreadfully ill and worn out my dear alex lifted the suit-case again oh ada will see to that your room is all ready alex it's very small but then the house is a perfect doll's house as you see this is my tiny drawing-room it's very pretty said alex sinking into a chair it's not bad the things are nice enough ralph had some exquisite things but of course the house is too hateful and i hate living all the way out here no one ever comes near me "'Cedric's wife can't get her chauffeur to bring her. "'He pretends he doesn't know where it is. "'The only person who ever comes is Pamela.

"'I thought she was to live with you.' "'Pam? Oh, she wouldn't bury herself out here for long. "'Pam's very much in request, my dear. "'She's been paying visits all over the place "'and can go on indefinitely, I believe.

"'She makes her headquarters with Cedric and Violet "'in Cleveland Square, you know, "'but of course she'll marry. "'Pam's all right. "'Last time I saw Pam, she was in short frocks and a pigtail.

She's come out in the most extraordinary way, everyone says so. Not exactly pretty, but frightfully taking and most awfully attractive to men. They say she's so full of life. I must say, when we came out, Alex, we didn't have nearly such a good time as she has. Men seem to go down like ninepins before her.

She's always bringing them out here to tea and to look at the view of London from the Heath. One always used to look on Hampstead Heath as a sort of joke. Phil May's drawings and that kind of thing. I certainly never expected to live here, but lots of artists do, and Ralph had a big studio here, and it's very inexpensive. Besides, if you know your way about, it's quite easy to come in and out from town.

Pamela always brings her young men on the top of a bus. Girls can do anything nowadays, of course. Fancy father if one of us had done such a thing. Who looks after her? asked Alex, rather awestruck. She looks after herself, my dear, and does it uncommonly effectively.

She could marry to-morrow if she liked, and marry well, too. of course cedric is her guardian in a sort of way i suppose but he lets her do anything she like only laughs cedric spoke alex wistfully do you know i haven't seen cedric since i left clevedon square my dear that's ten years isn't it cedric's grown up exactly like father he's got just his way of standing in front of the fire and shaking his spectacles up and down in his hand you remember father's way of course he's done extraordinarily well every one says so and his marriage was an excellent thing too is violet nice barbara laughed rather dryly she's got a lot of money and yes i suppose she is nice between ourselves alex she's the sort of person who rather aggravates me she's always so prosperous and happy as though nothing had ever gone wrong with her or ever could she's very generous i will say that for her and extraordinarily good-natured most people adore her she's the sort of woman that other women rave about but i must say most men like her too her people were rather inclined to think she could have done better for herself than cedric of course he isn't well off and she's two years older than he is

but it's answered all right and they were tremendously in love with one another is she very pretty she's inclined to be fat but of course she is pretty in her own style very and the little girl is a perfect darling little rosemary but alex here i am talking you to death when you must be dying for tea what sort of a crossing did you have not very bad but i was ill all the way oh no wonder you look so washed out said barbara as though relieved but she went on eyeing her sister uneasily through the rapidly increasing dusk when ada came in with the tea appointments barbara told her to bring the lamp yes'm and your bag'n may i have the key alex looked bewildered then recollected that the maid was offering to unpack for her and pulled out the key from her purse isn't there your trunk still to come asked barbara no you see i hadn't much to bring only just one or two things that i got in rome alex wondered if barbara understood that until a few months ago she had been a nun living the life of a nun she thought of the apprehension with which she had viewed making an explanation to barbara and almost smiled it appeared that no explanation would be required of her but presently barbara said uneasily

it seems extraordinary your having no luggage like this alex i don't know what ada will think i'm sure i told her that you'd been living abroad for a good many years i thought that was the best thing to say but i never thought of your having no luggage i haven't got anything to bring you see i must get some things repeated alex forlornly you see said her sister half apologetically ada's been with me ever since i married she was ralph's mother's maid and perfectly devoted to him i couldn't ever get that sort of servant to live out here if it wasn't for that she waits at meals and maids me and does everything except the actual cooking i know she's rather disagreeable in her manner but she's a perfect treasure to me when ada had brought in the lamps and filled the little room with cheerful light drawing the blinds and curtains barbara looked again hard at her sister good heavens alex how thin you are and you look as though you hadn't slept for a month oh but i have said alex eagerly and then stopped she did not feel able to explain to barbara the insatiable powers of sleep which seemed as though they could never be satisfied after those ten years of unvarying obedience to a merciless five-o'clock bell

i'm glad to hear it barbara replied in a dissatisfied voice but i never saw any one so changed have you been ill rather run down alex said hurriedly with a convent instinct of denying physical ills i had two or three very troublesome abscesses in my throat just before easter and that left me rather weak my dear how awful you never told me did you have an operation are you scarred no they broke of themselves inside my throat luckily oh don't cried barbara and shuddered the sisters were very silent during tea alex saw her sister looking hard at her hands and became conscious of contrast barbara was thin but her hands were slender and exceedingly white she wore besides her wedding-ring a sapphire one which alex thought must have been her engagement ring on her wrist was a tiny gold watch and a gold curb-chain bracelet her own hands alex now saw were more than thin they were almost emaciated with knuckles that shone white and a sharp prominence at each wrist bone they were not white but rough and mottled with broken skin round each finger-nail she wondered if her whole person was in as striking a contrast to her sister's when she had put on the serge skirt and white muslin shirt the sensation had overwhelmed her accustomed to the heavy religious habit of being lightly almost indecently clad

but barbara's dress was of soft silky material with a low turned-down collar such as was just beginning to come into fashion her hair was piled into a shining knot of little sausage-shaped curls and parted in front though she was only twenty-eight the gray in barbara's hair was plentiful but her small face looked youthful enough and had none of the hard lines and shadows that alex knew to lie round her own eyes and lips her little slight figure was very erect and she wore black suede shoes with sparkling buckles alex looked down at her own clumsy ill-made boots which had already begun to hurt her feet and instinctively put up her hands to the cheap black toque that felt heavy on her head why don't you take off your hat barbara asked her kindly i'm sure it would rest you she was too much used to obedience not to comply instantly pushing back with both hands the weight of untidy hair that instantly fell over her eyes oh alex your hair it's growing very fast i-i've not been cutting it lately there's just enough to put it up barbara it's much darker than it used to be isn't it

yes it's nearly black now do you remember how light the ends used to be but i think it lost its colour from being always under the veil you know the worst of it is that it's not growing evenly it's all short lengths yes that's very awkward said barbara dispassionately especially when it's so straight alex reflected that her sister was just as self-contained as ever wouldn't you like to come to your room and rest till dinner alex alex got up at once you ought to take plasmon or something of that sort and try to get a little fatter there's simply nothing of you alex you're all eyes with rings like saucers round them after barbara had left her in the tiny pretty bedroom that alex thought looked wonderfully luxurious she went straight to her looking-glass good heavens how ugly i am she said to herself involuntarily her face was sallow with sunken cheeks and the roman sun had powdered her skin all over with little pale freckles her eyes as barbara had said had rings like saucers round them and looked oddly large and prominent from the slight puffiness of the underlids

her teeth had perhaps suffered most of all she had had one or two taken out and the gaps were visible and unsightly they had never been very good teeth and she remembered still all that she had suffered at the hands of an unskilled brussels dentist in belgium for the last few years she had endured intermittent toothache sooner than submit to further torture and she saw now that a small black patch was spreading between the two front teeth barbara with the grey mingled freely in her light hair and her severe widow's weeds might look more than twenty-eight but alex at thirty-one bore the semblance of a woman of forty she hid her face in her disfigured hands presently she saw that there was hot water in a little brass can on the washing-stand and she thankfully made use of it ada had unpacked everything and alex saw the brush and comb that she had hastily purchased on the dressing-table beside them was the packet of hairpins that she had remembered to get at the last moment and that was all there ought to be something else but i've forgotten thought alex

she wondered if barbara would expect her to dress for dinner the idea had not occurred to her she had one other blouse a much better one made of black net so transparent as to show glimpses of her coarse white cotton underwear with its high yoke and long sleeves her hair of course was impossible even if it had not been so short and of such an intractable limp straightness alex had forgotten how to do it she remembered with dim surprise that at clevedon square lady isabel's maid had always done her hair for her she brushed it away from her face and made a small coil on the top of her head after the fashion which she remembered best and tried to fasten back the untidy lengths that fell over her ears and forehead the hairpins that she had bought were very long and thick she wished that they did not show so obviously alex said barbara's cool voice at her door alex came out and they went downstairs together alex a few steps behind her sister since the stairs were not broad enough for two to walk abreast she tried awkwardly not to step on the tail of barbara's black lace tea-gown ada waited upon them and although the helpings of food seemed infinitesimal to alex everything tasted delicious and she wondered if barbara always had three courses as well as a dessert of fruit and coffee even when she was by herself

you don't smoke i suppose barbara said no of course not how stupid of me let's go up to the drawing-room again barbara do you smoke no ralph hated women to smoke and i don't like to see it myself though pretty nearly every one does it now violet smokes far too much i wonder cedric lets her but as a matter of fact he lets her do anything she likes i can't realise cedric married i know look here alex he'll want to see you and you'll be wanting to talk over plans won't you yes said alex nervously i-i don't want to have a lot of fuss you know of course i know it's upsetting for everybody my coming out of the convent after every one thought i was settled but oh barbara i had to leave personally i can't think why you ever went in said barbara impersonally or why you took ten years to find out you weren't suited to the life that sounds unkind and i don't mean to be you know i don't of course you were right to come away only i'm afraid they've ruined your health you're so dreadfully thin and you look much older than you've any right to alex i believe you ought to go into the country somewhere and have a regular rest cure every one is doing them now however we'll see what cedric and violet say when shall i see them asked alex nervously

well said her sister hesitating what about to-morrow it's better to get it over at once isn't it i thought i'd ring them up this evening i know they're dining at home she glanced at the clock look here alex why don't you go to bed i always go early myself and you're simply dead tired do then to-morrow we might go into town and do some shopping you'll want some things at once won't you alex saw that barbara meant her to ascend and said yes in a dazed way she was very glad to go to her room and the bed seemed extraordinarily comfortable barbara had kissed her and said anxiously i do hope you'll feel more like yourself to-morrow my dear i hardly feel i know you then she had rustled away and alex had heard her go downstairs perhaps to telephone to clevedon square lying in bed in the dark she thought about her sister it seemed incredible to alex that she could ever have bullied and domineered over barbara yet in their common childhood this had happened she could remember stamping her foot at barbara and compelling her to follow her sister's lead again and again and there was the time when she had forced a terrified reluctant barbara to play at tight-rope dancing on the stairs and barbara had obediently clambered on to the newel post and fallen backwards into the hall and hurt her back

alex remembered still the agonized days and nights of despairing remorse which had followed and her own sense of being all but a murderess she had thought then as she could never never quarrel and be angry with barbara again but she had gone away to school and barbara had got well and in the holidays alex had been more overbearing than ever in the schoolroom and now barbara seemed so infinitely competent so remote from the failures and emotional disasters that had wrecked alex she made alex feel like a child in the hands of a serious rather ironical grown-up person who did not quite know how to dispose of it alex herself wondered what would happen to her much as a child might have wondered but she was tired enough to sleep and the next morning barbara more competent than ever came in and suggested that she should have her breakfast in bed so as to feel rested enough for a morning's shopping in town though i must say said barbara in a dissatisfied voice that you don't look any better than you did last night i hoped you might look more like yourself after a night's rest i really don't think the others will know you am i going to see them oh i talked to violet last night on the telephone and she said i was to give you her love and she hoped we'd both lunch there to-morrow

at clevedon square asked alex beginning to tremble yes you don't mind do you no i don't mind it was very strange to be in the remembered london streets again stranger still to be taken to shops by barbara and authoritatively guided in the choice of a coat and skirt and a hat that should conceal as much as possible of the disastrous coiffure underneath and a pair of black suede walking-shoes that felt oddly light and soft to her feet there's no hurry about the other things is there said barbara more as though stating a fact than a question now we'd better take a taxi to clevedon square or we should be late a few moments later as the taxi turned into the square she said with what alex recognized in surprise as a kind of nervousness in her voice we thought you'd rather get it all over at once you know alex seeing the family i mean pam is staying there anyway and violet said archie was coming to lunch there'll be nobody else except perhaps one of violet's brothers she's always got one or other of them there alex felt sick with dismay then some remnant of courage came back to her and she clenched her hands unseen and vowed that she would go through with it the cab stopped before the familiar steps and barbara said as to a stranger here we are chapter twenty three