Chapter 24
chapter twenty four of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain all of them the well-remembered hall and broad staircase swam before alex's eyes as she followed barbara upstairs and heard them announced as mrs macalister and miss clare in a dream she entered the room and was conscious of a dreamlike feeling of relief at its totally unfamiliar aspect all the furniture was different and there was chintz instead of brocade everywhere she would not have known it then she saw with growing bewilderment that the room was full of people alex said a soft unknown voice barbara hovered uneasily beside her and alex dimly heard her speaking half reassuringly and half apologetically but violet clare had taken her hand and was guiding her into the inner half of the room which was empty don't bother about the others for a minute barbara go and look after them like a dear let's make acquaintance in peace alex do you know who i am cedric's wife yes that's it then as barbara left them violet noiselessly stamped her foot
you poor dear i don't believe she ever told you there was to be a whole crowd of family here that's just like poor dear barbara i'm sure she never had one atom of imagination in her life now had she the idea of dragging you here the very day after you got back from such a journey the soft fluent voice went on giving her time to recover herself alex hardly hearing what was said to her but with a sensation of adoring gratitude gradually invading her for this warm unhesitating welcome and unquestioning sympathy she looked dumbly at her sister-in-law she in violet she saw the soft generous contours and opulent prettiness of which she had caught glimpses in the south the numerous marchesas who had come to the convent parlour in rome had had just such brown liquid eyes with dark lashes throwing into relief an opaque ivory skin just such dazzling teeth and such ready dimpling smiles and had worn the same wealth of falling laces at decollete throat and white rounded wrists violet was in white with a single string of wonderful pearls round her soft neck and her brilliant brown hair was arranged in elaborate waves with occasional little escaping rings and tendrils
alex thought her beautiful and wondered why barbara had spoken in deprecation of such sleepy prosperous prettiness she noticed that violet did not look at her with rather wondering dismay as her sister had done and only once said you do look tired you poor darling it's that hateful journey i'm a fearfully bad traveller myself when we were married cedric wanted to go to the south of france for our honeymoon but i told him nothing would induce me to risk being sea-sick and he had to take me to cornwall instead cedric will be here in a minute and we'll make him come and talk to you quietly out here you don't want to go in amongst all that rabble do you who's there asked alex faintly pam and the boys that's my two brothers you know whom you needn't bother about the very least bit in the world and here's archie she added as the door opened again alex would have known archie in a moment anywhere he was so like their mother even the first inflection of his voice as he came towards violet reminded her of lady isabel she had not seen him since his school days and wondered if he would have recognised her without violet's ready explanation alex has come archie that goose barbara went and brought her here without explaining that she's only just got back to england and is naturally tired to death i'll leave you to talk while i see what's happened to cedric
i say exclaimed archie and stood looking desperately embarrassed how are you alex old girl we meet as strangers what i should have known you anywhere archie you're so like barbara so like mother They say Pam's exactly like what Mother was. Have you seen her? No, not yet. She... Violet brought me in here. I say, she's a ripper, isn't she? Cedric didn't do badly for himself. Trust him. Wonder what the beggar'll be up to next. He's done jolly well all along the line.
Retrieved the family fortunes. What? It only remains for me to wed an American, and Pamela to bring off her South African millionaire. She's got one after her. Did you know? He spoke with a certain boyish eagerness that was rather attractive, but his rapid speech and restless manner made Alex wonder if he was nervous. Couldn't you ask Pamela to come to me here, so that I could see her without all those people? What people? It's only old Jack Temple and Carol. Harmless as kittens, what? But I'll get Pam for you and two twos, you watch.
He put his fingers into his mouth, and emitted a peculiar low whistle on two prolonged notes. The signal was instantly answered from the other room, but quaveringly as though the whistler were laughing. Then in a minute she appeared, very slim and tall, in the opening between the two rooms.
I like your cheek, Archie. I say Pam Alex is here. Oh, Alex. Pamela, too, looked and sounded rather embarrassed as she came forward and laid a fresh, glowing cheek against her sister's.
Barbara telephoned last night that you'd come and seemed awfully seedy, she said in a quick, confused way. She ought to have made you rest today. Oh, no, I'm all right, said Alex awkwardly. How you've changed, Pamela.
I haven't seen you since you were at school. Looking at her sister, she secretly rather wondered at what Barbara had said of the girl's attractiveness. Pamela's round face was glowing with health and colour, and she held herself very upright. But Alex thought that her hair looked ugly, plastered exaggeratedly low on her forehead, and she could not see the resemblance to their mother of which Archie had spoken,
except in the fairness of colouring which Pamela shared with Barbara and with Archie himself. You've changed too, Alex. You look so frightfully thin and you've lost all your colour. Have you been ill? No, I've not been ill, only rather run down. I was ill before Easter. Perhaps that's it? Alex was embarrassed too, a horrible feeling of failure and inadequacy creeping over her and seeming to hamper her in every word and movement.
Pamela's cold, rather wondering scrutiny made her feel terribly unsure of herself. She had often known the sensation before, at school, in her early days at the novitiate, again in Rome, and ever since her arrival in England.
It was the helpless insecurity of one utterly at variance with her surroundings. She was glad when Violet came back and said, Here's Cedric. Go down to lunch, children. We'll follow you. cedric's greeting to his sister was the most affectionate and the least awkward that she had yet received he kissed her warmly and said well my dear i'm glad we've got you back in england again you must come to us if barbara will spare you oh cedric she looked at him for a moment emotionally shaken that cedric should have grown into a man she saw in a moment that he was very good-looking the best-looking of them all with sir francis's pleasantly serious expression and the merest shade of pomposity in his manner
only the blinking short-sighted grey eyes behind her spectacles remained of the solemn little brother she had known come down and have some lunch dear what possessed barbara to bring you here if you didn't feel up to coming we could have gone to hampstead violet says she's been most inconsiderate to you yes most said violet herself placidly dear barbara is always so unimaginative of course it's fearfully trying for alex after being away such ages to have every one thrust upon her like this alex felt a throb of gratitude barbara thought it had better all be got over at once she said timidly that's just like her barbara's been completely ruined by that parlour-maid of hers ada i always think ada's responsible for all barbara's worst inspirations she rules her with a rod of iron shall you hate coming down to lunch alex those riotous children will be off directly they're wild about the skating rink at olympia then we can talk comfortably she put her hand caressingly through alex's arm as they went downstairs alex felt that she could have worshipped her sister-in-law for her easy pitying tenderness the consciousness of it helped her all through the long meal when the noise of laughter and conversation bewildered her after so many years of convent refectories in silence and her solitary dinners in rome
violet had placed her between cedric and pamela and the girl chattered to her intermittently without appearing to require any answer are you boys ready she cried just as coffee was brought in we can't wait for coffee come on my instructor will be engaged how are you going pam asked violet underground it's the quickest oh no pam take a taxi archie you must between laughter and admonition they were despatched pamela archie and the two temple boys all laughing and talking and exchanging allusions and references unintelligible to alex the room seemed much quieter and darker when the hall door had finally slammed behind them alex looked round her at the head of his own table cedric sat reflective violet lounged smoking a cigarette and laughing where lady isabel's place had always been opposite alex barbara in her prim black was leaning forward and speaking what's the attraction about this roller skating pamela seems to do nothing else when she isn't dancing everyone's doing it my dear i want to take it up myself so as to reduce my figure but it's such an impossible place to get at i've only been to olympia for the military tournaments but pam has a perfect passion for getting about by the underground railway
alex isn't pam a refreshing person alex felt uncertain as to her meaning and was startled at being addressed she knew that she coloured and looked confused my dear said barbara impressively your nerves must simply have gone to pieces imagine jumping like that when you are spoken to don't you think she ought to do a rest cure violet there's a place in belgrave street no no said violet's kind soft voice she's coming to us you must let us have her barbara for a good long visit mustn't she cedric of course you must have your old quarters upstairs the kindness nearly made her cry she felt as might a child expecting to be scolded and punished and unexpectedly met with smiles and reassurance come up and see baby said violet she's such a little love and i want her to know her new auntie violet we really must talk business some time said barbara hesitating there are plans to be settled you know what alex is going to do next she's going to play with rosemary next don't worry dear we can talk plans any time there's really no hurry
alex dimly surmised that the words and the indolent dgag smile accompanying them might be characteristic of her new sister-in-law violet took her upstairs the nursery's just the same we haven't changed a thing she told her alex gave a cry of recognition at the top of the stairs oh the little gate that fenced off the landing it was put up when cedric was a baby because he would run out and look through the balusters was it really cried violet delightedly cedric didn't know that he told me that it had always been there i shall love having you alex you'll be able to tell me such lots of things about cedric when he was a little boy that no one else knows you see there's so little difference between him and barbara isn't there i'm only three years older than barbara then you're the same age or a little older than i am i'm twenty-nine two whole years older than cedric isn't it dreadful she laughed gaily as she turned the handle of the nursery door baby precious where are you alex followed her into the big sunny room a young nurse in stiff white piquet sat sewing in the window and a starched blue-ribboned baby with disordered sunny curls crawled about the floor at her feet when she saw her mother she began to run towards her with outstretched hands and inarticulate coos of pleasure come along then and see your new auntie
violet caught her up and lifted her into her arms isn't she rather in love alex shall we look after her for a little while while nurse goes downstairs alex nodded she felt as though she hardly dared speak for fear of frightening the pretty little laughing child besides the constriction was tightening in her throat violet sank down into a low chair with rosemary still in her arms i'll stay with her nurse if you like to go downstairs for half an hour thank you my lady sit down and let's be comfy alex isn't this much nicer than being downstairs alex looked round the nursery as violet had said it had not been altered on the mantelpiece she suddenly saw the big white clock supported by stout dresden china cherubs that had been there ever since she could remember it was ticking in a sedate unalterable way something in the sight of the clock utterly familiar and yet forgotten altogether during all her years away from clevedon square suddenly caught at alex she made an involuntary choking sound and to her own dismay sobs suddenly overpowered her my poor dear said violet compassionately do cry it'll do you good and baby and i won't mind or ever tell a soul will we my rosemary i knew you'd feel much better when you'd had it out and nobody will disturb us here
alex had sunk on to the floor and was leaning her head against violet's chair the soft murmuring voice went on above her i never heard of such a thing in my life as barbara's bringing you here to-day she never explained when she telephoned that you hadn't been in england for goodness knows how many years let alone to this house and of course i thought she'd settled it all with you till i saw your face when she brought you into the drawing-room all full of tiresome people and brothers and sisters you haven't set eyes on for years then i knew of course and i could have smacked her you poor child no no sobbed alex incoherently it's only just at first and coming back and finding them all so changed and not knowing what i'm going to do do why you're coming here cedric and rosemary and i want you and barbara doesn't deserve to keep you after the way she's begun i'll settle it all with her oh how kind you are to me cried alex violet bent down and kissed her kind why aren't i your sister and rosemary your one and only niece look at her alex and see if she's like any one cedric sometimes says she's like your father a little perhaps but she's very like you i think oh i never had those great round grey eyes those are cedric's and perhaps yours they're the same colour anyway i believe she's really very like what you must have been as a baby alex
it was evident that violet was paying the highest compliment within her power alex put out her hand timidly to little rosemary she was not at all shy and seemed accustomed to being played with and admired as she sat on her mother's lap alex thought how pretty and happy she and violet looked together she was emotionally too much worn out and had for too many years felt herself to be completely and for ever outside the pale of warm human happiness to feel any pang of envy presently violet reluctantly gave up rosemary to the nurse again and said i'm afraid we ought to go down i don't like to leave barbara any longer she never comes up here hardly ever poor barbara i sometimes think it's because she hasn't any babies of her own let's come down and find her they found barbara in the library earnestly talking to cedric who was leaning back smoking and looking very much bored he sprang up when they entered and from his relieved manner and from barbara's abrupt silence alex conjectured that they had been discussing her own return she stood for a moment forlorn and awkward till violet sank on to the big red leather sofa and held out her hand in invitation to her give me a cigarette cedric what have you and barbara been plotting like two conspirators
cedric laughed looking at her with a sort of indulgent pride but barbara said with determined rapidity it's all very well violet to laugh but we've got to talk business after all this unexpected step of alex's has made a lot of difference one thought of her as absolutely settled as father did when he made his will you see alex cedric told his sister the share which should have been yours was divided by father's will between barbara and pamela and there was no mention of you except just for the fifty pounds a year which my father thought would pay your actual living expenses in the convent he never thought of your coming away again how could he after all these years ejaculated barbara i know but i couldn't have stayed on cedric indeed i couldn't i know i ought to have found out sooner that i wasn't fitted for the life but if you knew what it's all been like her voice broke huskily and despair overwhelmed her at the thought of trying to explain what they would never understand poor little thing said violet's compassionate voice of course you couldn't stay on they've nearly killed you as it is wretched people no no they were kind the point is alex barbara broke in that you've only got the wretched fifty pounds a year of course i'd be more than glad to let you have what would naturally have been yours but how on earth i'm to manage it i don't know
cedric can tell you what estate poor ralph left his affairs in you'd never believe how little i have to live on of course the money from father was a godsend i don't deny it but if cedric thinks it's justice to give it back to you she looked terribly anxious gazing at her brother no no barbara said alex horrified i don't want the money of course you must keep it you and pamela that's all very well my dear alex said cedric sensibly but how do you propose to live you must look at it from a practical point of view then you think broke from barbara irrepressibly no my dear i don't one knows very well as things are as poor ralph left things it would be almost out of the question to expect he looked helplessly at his wife of course dear she said placidly but there's pamela's share pamela will marry of course she's sure to marry but until then or at least until she comes of age i don't think as her guardian cedric broke off looking much harassed if pam married a rich man which she probably will said violet with a low laugh we can't take distant possibilities into consideration barbara interposed sharply we're dealing with actual facts alex looked from one to the other with bewilderment
she hardly understood what they were all discussing from the natural home of her childhood and girlhood where she had lived as unthinking of ways and means as every other girl of her class and generation she had passed into the convent world where all was communal and the rights of the individual a thing part shunned part unknown she could not at first grasp that cedric and barbara and violet perhaps pam and archie too were all wondering how she would be able to maintain herself on fifty pounds a year of course barbara was saying alex could come to me for a bit i'd love to have you dear but you saw for yourself what a tiny place mine is and there's only ada i don't quite know what you'd say to having two people instead of one i must say we want her too violet exclaimed caressingly let us have her for a little while barbara while you're preparing ada's mind for the shock she broke into her low gurgling laugh again barbara looked infinitely relieved what do you think alex it isn't that i wouldn't love to have you but there's no denying that ways and means do count and in a tiny household like mine every item adds up oh said alex desperately i know what you must feel the difficulty of-of knowing what to do with me
"'It's always been like that, ever since I was a little girl. "'I've made a failure of everything. "'Don't you remember—Barbara, you must—old nurse saying, "'Alex will never stick to anything? "'And I never have. I never shall.
"'I can only make dreadful muddles and failures and upset you all. "'If only one could wreck one's own life without interfering with other people's.' There was a silence which Alex, after her outburst, knew very well was not one of comprehension. Then Cedric said gently, You mustn't let yourself exaggerate, my dear.
We're very glad to have you with us again. One only can't help wishing it had been rather sooner. But there's no use in crying over spilt milk, and after all, as Violet says, there's no hurry about anything. Come to us and have a good long rest.
You look as though you needed it, and get a little flesh on your bones again. We can settle all the rest afterwards. Alex saw Barbara looking at her with furtive eagerness. She turned to her with the utter dependence on another's judgment that had become second nature to her.
When shall I go? My dear, protested Barbara, of course the longer you can stay with me the better I shall be pleased. It's only that Ada... She broke off at the sound of Violet's irrepressible laugh. You must suit yourself absolutely, of course.
Supposing you came to us at the end of the week, Violet suggested. Say Saturday? Pamela is going away then to pay one or two visits. and I shall have you all to myself. Alex looked at her wonderingly. It seemed to her incredible that Violet should actually want her, so ingrained was her sense of her own isolation of spirit,
that terrible isolation of those who have definitely, and for long past, lost all self-confidence, and which can never be realised or penetrated by those outside. That will be delightful, said Violet, seeming to take her acceptance for granted. Barbara got up, smoothing her skirt gently. We really ought to be going, Alex.
I said we'd be in to tea and it takes such ages to get back. Alex rose submissively. She marvelled at the assurance of Barbara, even at the ease of her conventionally affectionate farewells. Well, goodbye, my dear.
When are you coming out to the wilds to look me up? Then, without giving her sister-in-law time to reply, she added gaily, You must ring me up and let me know when you have a spare moment. You know I'm always a fixture. What a blessing the telephone is. Then we'll see you on Saturday, Alex, said her brother. Good,
take care of yourself, my dear. He looked after her with an expression of concern as the servant held open the door for her and Barbara and they went into the street. Alex could not believe that this kindly, rather pompous man was her younger brother. Cedric has grown very good looking, but I didn't expect to see him so, so old somehow, she said. Barbara laughed. Time hasn't stood still with any of us, you know. I think Violet looks older than he does. She is, of course. She'll be
a mountain in a few years' time if she doesn't take care. Oh, Barbara, I think she's so pretty and sweet. Barbara shrugged her shoulders very slightly. She and I have never made particularly violent friends, though I like her, of course. Pamela adores her, and I must say she's been good to Pam. But her kindness doesn't cost her anything. She's always been rich and had everything she wanted. She was the only girl, and her people adored her, and now Cedric lets her do everything
she likes. She spends any amount of money. Look at her clothes and the way she has little Rosemary always dressed in white. Rosemary is lovely. It's so extraordinary to think of Cedric's child. Barbara tightened her lips. She ought to have been a boy, of course. Cedric pretended not to care, but it must have been a disappointment, and goodness only knows if Violet will ever. She stopped, throwing a quick glance out of the corners of her eyes at her sister.
Alex wondered why she did not finish her sentence, and what she had been about to say. The constraint in her intercourse with Barbara was becoming more and more evident to her perceptions. It was clear that her sister did not intend to ask any questions as to the crisis through which Alex had passed, and when she had once ascertained that Alex had not seen anybody whilst in Rome, she did not refer to that either. Alex wondered if Barbara would tell her anything of Ralph and their married life,
but the reserve which had always been characteristic of Barbara since her nursery days had hardened sensibly, and it was obvious that she wished neither to give nor to receive confidences. She was quite ready, however, to discuss her brother Cedric and his wife, or the prospects of Pamela and Archie, and Alex listened all the evening to Barbara's incisive little clear tones, delivering shrewd comments and judgments. She again suggested that,
that Alex should go to bed early, saying as she kissed her good-night, It's quite delightful to have someone to talk to for me. I generally read or so all the evening. It must be lonely for you, Barbara. Oh, I don't mind quiet, she laughed, as though edging away from any hint of emotional topic. But of course it's nice to have someone for a change. Good-night. She turned towards the door of the bedroom. Oh, Alex, there's just one thing. I know you'd rather
I said it. If you wouldn't mind, sometime, any time you think of it, just letting me have the money for those clothes we bought for you today. The bills have come in. I asked for them as I don't have an account. I knew you'd rather be reminded, knowing what pauper I am. Only wish I hadn't got to worry. Good night, my dear. Sleep well. End of chapter 24
