Chapter 27
chapter twenty seven of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain the embezzlement alex full of unreasoning panic made her move to malden road she was afraid of the servants in clevedon square all of them knew since she had left england and only told ellen with ill-concealed confusion that she was leaving london for the present she was unaccountably relieved when ellen only said impassively very good miss and packed her slender belongings without comment or question suddenly she remembered the cheque which cedric had given her for the servants she looked at it doubtfully her own money was already almost exhausted thanks to that unexpected claim from the convent in rome and alex supposed that the sum still in her purse amounting to rather less than three pounds would only last her for about a fortnight in malden road she decided with no sense of doubt that she had better keep cedric's cheque it was only a little sum to him and he would send money for the servants he had said that he was ready to advance money to his sister
characteristically alex dismissed the matter from her mind as unimportant she had never learned any accepted code in dealings with money and her own instinct led her to believe it an unessential question she judged only from her own feelings which would have remained quite unstirred by any emotions but those the most matter-of-fact at any claim direct or indirect justifiable or not upon her purse she had never learnt the rudiments of pride or of straight dealing in questions of finance but in malden road alex was after all to learn many things there were material considerations equally unknown to clevedon square and to the austere but systematic doling out of convent necessities which were brought home to her with a startled sense of dismay from her first evening at two fifty two she had never thought of bringing soap with her or boxes of matches yet these commodities did not appear as a matter of course as they had always done elsewhere there was gas in both the rooms but there were no candles there was no hot water you can boil your own kettle on the gas-ring on the landing mrs hoxton said indifferently and left her new lodger to the realization that the purchase of a kettle had never occurred to her at all
buying the kettle and a supply of candles and matches and soap left her with only just enough money in hand for her second week's rent and when she wanted notepaper and ink and stamps to write to barbara alex decided that she must appropriate cedric's cheque for the servants wages to her own uses she felt hardly any qualms this wasn't like that bill from rome which she would have been afraid to let him see he would have talked about the dishonesty of convents and asked why she had not told him sooner of their charges against her and have looked at her with that almost incredulous expression of amazed disgust had she admitted her entire oblivion of the whole consideration but this cheque for the servants it would enable her to pay her own expenses until she could get the work which she still vaguely anticipated and the sum meant nothing to cedric she would write and tell him that she had cashed the money sure that he would not mind in fulfilment of his many requests to her to look upon him as her banker but she did not write though she cashed the cheque the days slipped by in a sort of monotonous discomfort but it was very hot and she learned to find her way to hampstead heath where she could sit for hours not reading for she had no books but brooding in a sort of despairing resignation over the past and the nightmare seeming present
the conviction remained with her ineradicably that the whole thing was a dream that she would wake up again to the london of the middle nineties and find herself a young girl again healthy and eager and troubling lady isabel and more remotely sir francis with her modern exigencies and demands to live her own life the war-cry of those clamorous eighties and nineties of which the young new century had so easily reaped the harvest she could not bring herself to believe that her own life had been lived and that only this was left alec sometimes felt that she was not alive at all that she was only a shade moving amongst the living unable to get into real communication with any of them she did not think of the future there was no future for her there was only an irrevocable past and a sordid yet dreamlike present that clung round her spirit as a damp mist might have clung round her person intangible and yet penetrating and all-pervading hampering and stifling her the modicum of physical strength which she had regained in clevedon square was ebbing imperceptibly from her it was difficult to sleep very well in malden road where the trams and the omnibuses passed in incessant jerking succession
and the children screamed in the road late at nights and incredibly early in the mornings the food was neither good nor well prepared but alex ate little in the heat and reflected that it was an economy not to be hungry the need for economy was being gradually borne in upon her as her small stock of money diminished and there came nothing to replace it presently she exerted herself to find a registry office where she gave her name and address and was contemptuously and suspiciously eyed by an old lady with dyed red hair who sat at a writing-table and asked her for a fee of half a crown for entering her name in a ledger no diplomas and no certificate won't take you far in teaching nowadays she said unpleasantly languages french quite well and a little italian enough to give conversation lessons alex faltered no demand for em whatever i'll let you know but don't expect anything to turn up especially at this time of year with every one out of town but by a miraculous stroke of fortune something did turn up
the woman from the registry office sent alex a laconic postcard giving her the address of a lady singer in camden town who was willing to pay two shillings an hour in return for sufficient instruction in italian to enable her to sing italian songs elated alex looked out the conversation manual of her convent days and at three o'clock set out to find the address in camden town she discovered it with difficulty and arrived late the appointed hour had been half-past three shown into a small sitting-room crowded with furniture and plastered with signed photographs she sank breathless and heated into a chair and waited the lady singer when she came was irate at the delay her manner frightened alex who acquiesced in bewildered humiliation to a stipulation that only half fees must be charged by the curtailed hour she gave her lesson badly imparting information with a hesitation that even to her own ears sounded as though she were uncertain of her facts however her pupil ungraciously drew out a shilling from a small chain purse and gave it to alex when she left and she bade her come again in three days time the lessons went on for three weeks they tired alex strangely but she felt glad that she could earn money however little
and although the shillings went almost at once in small necessities which she had somehow never foreseen it was not until the middle of september that she began once more to reach the end of her resources just as she had decided that it would be necessary for her to write to cedric she received a letter from him forwarded from her bank alex turned white as she read it my dear alex i am altogether at a loss to understand why ellen the upper housemaid at home writes to violet on friday last september the twelfth that you have left clevedon square and that she and the other servant have not yet received the money for their board and wages this last i take to be an oversight on your part but you will doubtless put it right at once since you will remember that i handed you a cheque for that purpose just before leaving london as to your own movements i need hardly say my dear alex that i do not claim to have any sort of authority over them of whatever kind but both violet and i cannot help feeling that it would have been more friendly to say the least of it had you given us some hint as to your intentions knowing that barbara is already abroad and pamela with her friend's yachting i can only hope that you have received some unforeseen invitation
which appealed to you more than the prospect of solitude in clevedon square it would have been desirable had you left your address with the servants but i presume the matter escaped your memory as they appear to be completely in the dark as to your movements violet is looking quite herself again and sends many affectionate messages she will doubtless write to you on receipt of a few lines giving her your address i am compelled to send this letter through the care of messrs williams which you will agree with me is an unnecessarily elaborate method of communication your affectionate brother cedric clare alex was carried back through the years to the sense of remorse and bewilderment with which she had listened to the measured irrefutable condemnations expressed with the same unerring precision of sir francis clare she realized herself again sick with crying and cold with terror standing shaking before his relentless justice knowing herself to be again forever and hopelessly in the wrong she would never be anything else she knew it now her sense of honor of truth and justice was perverted in direct disaccord with that of the world what would her brother say to her misuse of the money that he had entrusted to her
alex knew now with sudden terrifying certainty how he would view the transaction which had seemed to her so simple and expedient she knew that even were she able to make the almost incredible plea of a sudden temptation a desperate need of money that had led her voluntarily to commit an act of dishonesty it would stand her in better stead than a mere statement of the terrible truth that no voice within her had told her of dishonour that she had outrageous paradox committed an act of dishonesty in good faith to cedric the lack in her would seem so utterly perverted so incomprehensible that there would appear to be no possibility of that forgiveness which as a christian he could consciously have extended to any wilful breaking of the law but there would be no question of forgiveness for this it was not the money alex knew that it was her own extraordinary moral deficiency that put her outside the pale perhaps thought alex drearily this was how criminals always felt they did the things for which they were punished because of some flaw in their mental outlook they didn't see that the things mattered until it was too late they had to be saved from themselves by punishment or removal or sometimes by death and for the protection of the rest of the community too
it was necessary to penalize those who could not or would not conform to the standard alex saw it all but dimly involuntarily almost an echo from her childhood's days came back to her vaguely formulated into words always take the part of the people in the wrong they need it most the only conviction to which she could lay claim was somehow embodied in that sentiment chapter twenty seven
