menu_book Chapter 26

chapter twenty six of consequences august was it after all only for cedric's sake that violet had kept her at clevedon square had shown her such heavenly kindness and gentleness alex asked herself the question all night long in utter misery of spirit she had craved all her life for an exclusive personal affection and had been mocked with counterfeit again and again she knew now that it was only in despair at such cheating of fate that she had flung herself rashly to the opposite end of the scale and sought to embrace a life that purported detachment from all earthly ties i will have all or none had been the inward cry of her bruised spirit fate had taken her at her word this time and she had not been strong enough to endure and had fled cowering from the consequence of her own act tortured distraught with self-confidence shattered to the earth she had turned once again with hands that trembled as they pleaded to ask comfort of human love and companionship

violet had not condemned her had pitied her and had shown her untiring sympathy and affection for love of cedric alex rose haggard in the morning she wanted to be alone the thought of going to barbara in hampstead had become unendurable to her it was with a curious sense of inevitability that she found a letter from barbara asking her if she could put off her visit for the present the admirable ada had developed measles good lord can't they send her to a hospital exclaimed cedric with the irritability of a practical man who finds his well-ordered and practical plans thrown out of gear by some eminently unpractical intermission on the part of providence i'm sure barbara never would said violet laughing poor dear i hope she won't catch it herself it'll mean having the house disinfected too what a nuisance for her but alex dear you must come with us i'll send a wire to-day mother will be perfectly delighted couldn't i stay here asked alex cedric explained that the house would be partially shut up with only two of the servants left i shouldn't give any trouble i'd so much rather alex urged unusually persistent my dear it's out of the question not a soul in london you forget it's august

but cedric said violet i don't see why she shouldn't do as she likes it will be only till barbara can have her after all i suppose ada will be moved as soon as she's better and the disinfecting can't take so very long if she wants to stay here "'I do,' said Alex, for sudden boldness. "'You don't think you'll be lonely?' "'No, no.' "'After all,' Violet considered,

"'it will be very good for Ellen and the tweeny to have somebody to wait upon. "'I never do like leaving them here on enormous board wages to do nothing at all, "'though Cedric will think it's the proper thing to do because his father did it.' She laughed, and Cedric said with an air of concession, "'Well, just till Barbara can take you in, perhaps.

if you think London won't be unbearable. But mind you, Alex, the minute you get tired of it or feel the heat too much for you, you're to make other arrangements. Alex wondered dully what other arrangements

Cedric supposed that she could make. She had no money and had never even roused herself to write the letter he had recommended, asking to have her half-yearly allowance sent to her own address

and not to that of the superior of the convent. But on the day before Cedric and Violet, with Violet's maid and rosemary and her nurse and her pram all took their departure, Cedric called Alex into the study. She went to him feeling oddly as though she was the little girl again who had, on rare occasions,

been sent for by Sir Francis, and had found him standing just so, his back to the fireplace, spectacles in hand, speaking in just the same measured, rather regretful tones of kindliness. Alex, I've made out two checks, one to cover the servants' board wages, which I thought you would be good enough to give them at the end of the month, and one for your own living expenses.

You'd better cash that at once, in case you want any ready money. Have you anywhere to keep it under lock and key? Cedric, no more than Sir Francis, trusted to a woman's discretion in matters of money. Yes, there's the drawer of the writing table in my bedroom. That will be all right, then.

The servants are perfectly trustworthy, no doubt, but loose cash should never be left about in any case. If you want more, write to me. And Alex, I've seen old Pumphrey, father's man of business. He will see that you get your fifty pounds. Here's the first instalment. Cedric gravely handed her a third cheque. Have you a banking account? I don't think so. Then I'll arrange to open one for you at my bank today. You'd better deposit this at once,

hadn't you, unless you want anything? No, faltered Alex, not altogether understanding. You will have no expenses while you're here, of course, said Cedric, rather embarrassed. Alex looked bewildered. It had never occurred to her to suggest paying for her own keep while she remained alone at Clevedon Square. She gave back to her brother the cheque for twenty-five pounds, and received his assurance that it would be banked in her name that afternoon.

They will send you a chequebook, and you can draw out any small sum you may need later on. I don't think I shall need any, said Alex, looking at the other two cheques he had given her, made payable to herself, and thinking what a lot of money they represented. You will have a thorough rest and change with Barbara, Cedric said, still looking at her rather uneasily. Then, when we meet again in October, it will be time enough... He did not say what for,

and Alex remembered the conversation that she had overheard on the stair. With a feeling of cunning, she was conscious of her own determination to take the initiative out of his hands without his knowledge. They did not want her, and they would want her less than ever with all the approaching business connected with Pamela's wedding in December.

Barbara did not want her, self-absorbed and unwearingly considering how to cut down more and yet more expenses. Alex had made up her mind to go and live alone. She would prove to them that she could do it, though they thought fifty pounds a year was so little money.

She thought vaguely that perhaps she could earn something. But she gave no hint of her plans to anyone, knowing that Violet would be remonstrant and Cedric derisive. Obsessed by this new idea, she said goodbye to them with a sort of furtive eagerness,

and found herself alone in the house in Clevedon Square. At first the quiet and the solitude were pleasant to her. she crept round the big empty house like a spirit feeling as though it presented a more familiar aspect with its shrouded furniture and carefully shaded windows and the absence of most of violet's expensive silver and china ornaments the library which was always kept open for her was one of the least changed rooms in the house and she spent hours crouched upon the sofa there only rousing herself to go to the solitary meals which were punctiliously laid out for her in the big dining-room presently she began to wonder if the elderly upper housemaid ellen left in charge resented her being there she supposed that the presence of some one who never went out for whom meals had to be provided who must be called in the morning and supplied with hot water four times a day would interfere with the liberty of ellen and the unseen tweeny who no doubt cooked for them

they would be glad when she went away never mind she would go very soon alex felt that she was only waiting for something to happen which should give her the necessary impetus to carry out her vague design of finding a new independent foothold for herself a drowsy week of very hot weather slipped by and then one morning alex received three letters cedric short but affectionate told her that violet had reached scotland tired out and had been ordered by the doctor to undergo something as nearly approaching a rest-cure as possible she was to stay in bed all the morning sit in the garden when it was fine and do nothing she was to write no letters but she sent alex her love and looked forward to hearing from her cedric added briefly that alex was not to be at all anxious violet only needed quiet and country air and no worries she was looking better already alex put the letter down reflectively evidently cedric did not want his wife disturbed by depressing correspondence and she did not mean to write to violet of her new resolution she even thought that perhaps she would continue to let violet believe her at clevedon square or with barbara her second letter was from barbara it was quite a long letter and said that barbara had decided to leave ada at a convalescent home and take her own much-needed summer holiday abroad would alex join her in a week's time

what do you think of some little cheap seaside hole in brittany which we could do for very little i wish i could have you as my guest dear but you'll understand that all the disinfecting of the house has cost money besides forcing me to go away which i hadn't meant to do however i'm sure i need the change and i dare say it won't do you any harm either we ought to do the whole thing for about fifteen pounds each i think which i suppose will be all right for you do ring me up to-night and let's exchange views i shan't be free of a suspicion as to these wretched measles till next week but i don't think really there's much danger as i've had them already and am not in the least nervous ring up between seven and eight to-night i suppose violet as usual has kept on the telephone even though they're away themselves alex knew that she did not want to go abroad with barbara she nervously picked up the third letter which bore a foreign postmark when she had read the sheet of thin paper which was all the envelope contained she sat for a long while staring at it the nuns in rome with whom she had spent the few weeks previous to her return to england had sent in their account for her board and lodging for the few clothes she had purchased and for the advance made her for her travelling expenses the sum total in francs looked enormous at last alex trembling managed to arrive at the approximate amount in english money

twenty pounds it seemed to her exorbitant and she realized with fresh dismay that she had never taken such a debt into consideration at all how could she tell cedric she thought how angry he would be at her strange omission in never mentioning it to him before and how impossible it would be to explain to him that she had as usual left all practical issues out of account suddenly alex remembered with enormous relief that twenty-five pounds lay to her credit at the bank she had received her new check-book only two days ago she would go to the bank to-day and make them show her how she could send the money to italy then cedric and violet need never know they need never blame her full of relief alex took the cheque-book that morning to the bank she did not like having to display her ignorance but she showed the bill to the clerk who was civil and helpful and showed her how very simple a matter it was to draw a cheque for twenty pounds when it was done and safely posted alex trembled with thankfulness it seemed to her that it would have been a terrible thing for cedric to know of the expenses she had so ignorantly incurred and of her incredible simplicity in never having realized them before

and she was glad that he need never know how almost the whole of her half-year's allowance and money had vanished so soon after she had received it she telephoned to barbara that night and said that she could not go abroad with her oh very well my dear if you think it wise a nod of course if you don't mind london at this time of year it's a tremendous economy to stay where you are are the servants looking after you properly oh yes well do just as you like of course i think i shall get hold of some friend to join forces with me if you're sure you won't come quite sure barbara said alex tremulously she felt less afraid of her sister at the other end of the telephone she went and saw barbara off the following week and barbara said carelessly good-bye alex you look a shade better i think on the whole you're wiser to stay where you are i'm sure you need quiet and when once the rush begins for pam's wedding you'll never get a minute's peace are you staying on when they get back i'm not sure faltered alex you may be wise well come down to my part of the world if you want economy and to feel as though you were out of london good-bye dear

alex was surprised and rather consoled to hear barbara alluding so lightly to the possibility of her seeking fresh quarters for herself perhaps after all they all thought it would be the best thing for her to do perhaps there was no need to feel guilty and as though her intentions must be concealed but alex dreading blame or disapproval or even assurances that the scheme was unpractical and foolish continued to conceal it she wrote and told violet that she had decided that it would be too expensive to go abroad with barbara might she stay on in clevedon square for a little while but she had secretly made up her mind to go and look for rooms or a boarding-house in hampstead as barbara had suggested as usual it was only by chance that alex realized the practical difficulties blocking her way she had now only five pounds on the following saturday afternoon she found her way out by omnibus to hampstead she alighted before the terminus was reached from a nervous dread of being taken on too far although the streets in which she found herself were not prepossessing for the first time alex reflected that she had no definite idea as to where she wanted to go in her search for lodgings

she walked timidly along the road which appeared to be interminably long and full of second-hand furniture shops bamboo tables and armchairs with defective castors were put out on the pavement in many instances and there was often a small crowd in front of the window gazing at the cheaply framed colored supplements hung up within the pavements and the roads even the tram lines swarmed with untidy clamoring children alex supposed that she must be in the region vaguely known to her as the slums surely she could not live here then the recollection of her solitary five pounds came to her with a pang of alarm of course she must live wherever she could do so most cheaply she had no idea of what it would cost it was very hot and the pavement began to burn her feet she did not dare to leave the main road fearing that she would never find her way to the bus route again if once she left it but she peeped down one or two side streets they seemed quieter than malden road but the unpretentious little grey houses did not look as though lodgers were expected in any of them alex wondered desperately how she was to find out

presently she saw a policeman on the further side of the street she went up to him and asked can you tell me of anywhere near here where they let rooms somewhere cheap the man looked down at her white exhausted face and at the well-cut coat and skirt chosen by barbara which yet hung loosely and badly on her stooping shrunken figure somebody's poor relation was his unspoken comment is it for yourself miss you'd hardly care to be in this neighbourhood would you i want to be somewhere near hampstead and somewhere very very cheap alex faltered thinking of her five pounds which lay at that moment in the purse she was clasping why you'll find as cheap here as anywhere if you don't mind the noise oh no said alex who had never slept within the sound of traffic surprised then if i was you miss i'd try number two hundred and fifty two maldon road just beyond the gipsy queen that is or else two doors further up i saw cards up in both windows with apartments inside the last week thank you said alex she wished that maldon road had looked more like downshire hill which had trees and little tiny gardens in front of the houses which almost all resembled country cottages but no doubt houses in downshire hill did not let rooms or if so they must be too expensive

besides alex felt almost sure that barbara would not want her as a very near neighbor she was very tired when she reached number two hundred and fifty two and almost felt that she would take the rooms whatever they were like to save herself further search after all she could change later on if she did not like them like all weak people alex felt the urgent necessity of acting as quickly as possible on her own impulses she looked distastefully at the dingy house with its paint cracking into hard flakes and raised the knocker slowly a jagged end of protruding wire at the side of the door proclaimed that the bell was broken her timid knock was answered by a slatternly looking young woman wearing an apron whom alex took to be the servant can i see-the landlady Is it about a room? I'm Mrs. Hoxton. She spoke in the harshest possible cockney, but quite pleasantly. Oh, said Alex, still uncertain. Yes, I want rooms, please. The woman looked her swiftly up and down.

Only one bed-sitting-room vacant, miss, and that's at the top of the house. Would you care to see that? Yes, please. Mrs. Hoxton slammed the door and preceded Alex up a narrow staircase carpeted with oilcloth. On the third floor she threw open the door of a room considerably smaller than the bathroom at Clevedon Square, containing a low iron bed and an iron tripod bearing an enamel basin, a chipped pitcher, and a very small towel rail. A looking-glass framed in mottled yellow plush

was hung crookedly on the wall, and beneath it stood a wooden kitchen chair. There was a little table with two drawers in it behind the door. Alex looked round her with bewilderment. a convent cell was no smaller than this and presented a greater aspect of space from its bareness is there a sitting room she inquired not separate to this now miss bed sitting room this is called small but then i suppose you'd be out all day for a moment alex wondered why

but meals she asked feebly would it be more than just a breakfast and supper and free meals on Sunday? Alex did not know what to answer and Mrs Hoxton surveyed her. Where are you working miss? Anywhere near? I'm not working anywhere yet. Mrs Hoxton's manner changed a little. If you want two rooms miss and full board I could accommodate you downstairs. The price is according of course. A week in advance and pay by the week. Alex followed the woman downstairs again. She was

sure that this was not the kind of place where she wanted to live. Mrs Hoxton showed her into a larger bedroom on the first floor, just opening the door and giving Alex a glimpse of extreme untidiness and an unmade bed. My gentleman got up late today. He don't go to his job Saturday, so I haven't put the room to rights yet, but it's a nice room, miss, and we'll be vacant on Monday. It goes with the downstairs sitting room in the front as a rule, but that's had to be turned into

a bedroom just lately. I've been so crowded. Will that be empty on Monday too? asked Alex for the sake of answering something. Tonight miss, I let a coloured gentleman have it. A student, you know, a thing I've never done before either. Other people don't like it and it gives a name like for not being particular who one takes. So he's going and I shan't be sorry. I don't always make him talk and it isn't as though the room wouldn't let easy. It's a beautiful room miss. The coloured

gentleman's room was tidier than the one upstairs, but a haze of stale tobacco fumes hung rounded, and obscured Alex's view of a short leather sofa with horsehair breaking from it in patches, a small round table in the middle of the room, and a tightly closed window looking onto the traffic of Malden Road. About terms, miss—Mrs. Hoxton began suggestively in the passage. Oh, I couldn't afford much—Alex began, thinking that it was more difficult than she had supposed

to walk out again, saying that she did not, after all, want the rooms. I'd let you have those two rooms and full board for two ten a week, cried the landlady. Oh, I don't think. Mrs. Hoxton shrugged her shoulders, looked at the ceiling, and said resignedly, then I suppose we must call it two guineas, though I ought to ask double, but you can come in right away on Monday, miss, and I think you'll find it all comfortable. But, said Alex faintly, she felt very tired, and the thought of

her further search for lodgings wearied her and almost frightened her. Besides, the policemen had told her that this was a cheap neighbourhood. Perhaps anywhere else they would charge much more. Finally, she temporised feebly with the reflection that it need only be for a week. Once the step of leaving Clevedon Square had been definitely taken, she could feel herself free to find a more congenial habitation at her leisure, and when she might feel less desperately tired.

She sighed as she followed the line of least resistance. Well, I'll come on Monday, then. Yes, miss, the landlady answered promptly. May I have your name, miss, and the first week in advance my rule, as I think I've mentioned? My name is Miss Clare.

Alex took two sovereigns and two shillings, fumbling out of her purse, and handed them to the woman. It did not occur to her to ask for any form of receipt. Will you be wanting anything on Monday, miss? Alex looked uncomprehending, and the woman eyed her with scarcely veiled contempt and added, Supper or anything?

Oh, yes, I'd better come in time for dinner. For supper, I mean. Yes, Miss Seven O'Clock will do you, I suppose? Alex thought it sounded very early, but she did not feel that she cared at all, and said that seven would do quite well. She wondered if there were any questions which she ought to ask, but could think of none,

and she was rather afraid of the strident-voiced hard-faced woman. But Mrs. Hoxton seemed to be quite satisfied and pulled open the door as though it was obvious that the interview had come to an end. Good afternoon, said Alex. Afternoon, answered the landlady as she slammed the door again,

almost before Alex was on the pavement of Malden Road. She went away with a strangely sinking heart. To what had she committed herself? All the arguments which Alex had been brooding over seemed to crumble away from her now that she had taken definite action. She repeated to herself

again that Violet and Cedric did not want her, that Barbara did not want her, that there was no place for her anywhere, and that it was best for her to make her own arrangements and spare them all the necessity of viewing her in light of a problem. But what would Cedric say to Malden Road? Inwardly, Alex resolved that he must never come there. If she said Hampstead, he would think that she was somewhere close to Barbara's pretty little house. But Barbara? Alex sank utterly

jaded into the vacant space in a crowded omnibus. It was full outside, and the atmosphere of heat and humanity inside made her feel giddy. Arguments, self-justification, and sick apprehensions surged in chaotic bewilderment through her mind. End of chapter 26