Chapter 3
CHAPTER III. THE HYPNOTIC FIASCO I. Whilst Professor Conte was building elaborate castles in the air, Bindle, with tense caution, crept down the three flights of stairs that led to the street. everything was quiet and dark as he softly closed the outer door behind him he heard a clock striking three swiftly he removed the bandages that swathed his head tucked them in his pockets and stepped out briskly he wanted to think but above all he wanted food and drink as a precaution against the attentions of the police he began to whistle loudly none he argued would suspect of being a burglar a man who was whistling at the stretch of his power once he stopped dead and laughed
joe bindle he remarked you been burglin and you're mesmerized and you're goin to give yourself up to the police and don't you forget it as it might hurt the professor's feelings he slapped his knee laughed again recommenced whistling and continued on his way occasionally his hand would wander in the direction of the left-hand pocket of his coat when feeling the professor's watch and chain and the note to the police his face would irradiate joy he must think however he could not continue walking and whistling for ever he must think and with bindle to think it was necessary that he should remain still this he dare not do for fear of arousing suspicion once in turning a corner suddenly he almost collided with a policeman trying to wake up the whole place inquired the policeman where are you going making such a row about it to al the same as you old sport responded bindle cheerfully good-night see yer later the policeman grumbled something and passed on presently bindle saw the lights of a coffee-stall towards which he walked briskly over two sausages and some bacon he reviewed the situation
chafed the proprietor and treated to a meal the bedraggled remnants of what had once been a woman whom he found hovering hungrily about the stall when he eventually said good-morning to his host and guest he had worked out his plan of campaign he walked in the direction of the police-station having first resumed his bandages day was beginning to break seeing a man approaching him he quickened his pace to a run as he came within a few yards of the man who appeared to be of the labourer class he slackened his pace then stopped abruptly where's the police station mate he inquired panting as if with great exertion the police station repeated the man curiously straight up the road then third or fourth to the right then is it miles panted bindle bout quarter of a mile not more what's up mate the man inquired been ert quarter of a mile an i'm bleedin to death i got to fetch a doctor bindle continued then as if with sudden inspiration he thrust professor contey's letter into the astonished man's hands in the name of the law i order yer to take this letter to the police station i'll go for a doctor quick it's burglary and murder here's a bob for your trouble with that bindle sped back the way he had come praying that no policeman might see him and give chase
the workman stood looking stupidly from the letter and the shilling in his hand to the retreating form of bindle after a moment's hesitation he pocketed the coin and with a grumble in his throat and the fear of the law in his heart he turned and slowly made his way to the police station two when professor conti awoke on the morning of the burglary he was horrified to find from the medley of sounds without produced by hooters and bells that it was half-past eight jumping quickly out of bed he shaved washed and dressed with great expedition and before nine was in a telephone call box ringing up the police on learning that his note had been duly delivered he smiled his satisfaction into the telephone mouthpiece fortunately he was known to the sergeant who answered him having recently given his services at an entertainment organized by the local police after some difficulty he arranged that the charge should be taken through the telephone although a most irregular proceeding he's given us a lot of trouble sir talks of having been given the note and about a burglary and attempted murder volunteered the sergeant ha ha ha laughed the professor ha ha ha echoed the sergeant and they rang off
In spite of his laugh, the professor was a little puzzled by the sergeant's words. The man should still be under control. However he reasoned, the fellow was caught, and he had other and more important things to occupy his mind. Hailing a passing taxi, he drove to the offices of the Evening Mail, sending up his card with
the words, Important News, written upon it. He gained immediate access to the news editor. Within ten minutes the story of the hypnotized burglar was being dictated by the editor himself to relays of shorthand writers. The police had, on the telephone, confirmed the story of a man having given himself up, in the argot of Fleet Street, hot stuff. By half-past eleven the papers
were selling in the streets, and the professor was on his way to the police court. He had been told the case would not come on before twelve. As his taxi threaded its way jerkily westward, he caught glimpses of the placards of the noon edition of the Evening Mail, bearing such sensational lines as, Mesmerism extraordinary, an amazing capture, alleged burglar hypnotized. He smiled pleasantly as he pictured his reception that evening as an extra turn
at one of the big music halls. He fell to speculating as to how much he should demand, and to which manager he should offer his services. The Napoleon of Mesmerists was the title he had decided to adopt. Again the professor smiled amiably as he thought of the column of description with headlines in the evening mail. He had indeed achieved success. 3. The drowsy atmosphere of the West London police court oppressed even the prisoners.
They came, heard, and departed, protagonists for a few minutes in a drama, then oblivion. The magistrate was cross, the clerk husky, and the police anxiously deferential, for one of their number had that morning been severely censured for being unable to discriminate between the effects upon the human frame of laudanum and whiskey. Nobody was interested, there was nothing in which to be interested, and there was less
oxygen than usual in the court. The magistrate had a cold. It was a miserable business, this detection and punishing of crime. Twenty shillings cost seven days, snuffled the presiding genius. A piece of human flotsam laced about and disappeared. Another name was called. The sergeant in charge of the new case cleared his throat. The magistrate lifted his handkerchief to his nose. The clerk removed his
spectacles to wipe them, when something bounded into the dock, drawing up two other somethings behind it. The magistrate paused, his handkerchief held to his nose. The clerk dropped his spectacles, the three reporters became eagerly alert. In short, the whole court awakened simultaneously from its apathy to the knowledge that this was a dramatic moment. In the dock stood a medium-sized man with nondescript features, a thin black mustache, iron-gray hair, and disheveled clothing.
Each side of him stood a constable gripping an arm. They were the somethings that had followed him into the dock. For a moment the prisoner, who seemed to radiate indignation, looked about him, his breathing coming in short, passionate sobs. The clerk stooped to pick up his glasses.
The magistrate blew his nose violently to gain time. The reporters prepared to take notes. Then the storm burst. You shall pay for this, all of you, shouted the man in the dock, jerking his head forward to emphasize his words his arms being firmly held straight to his sides may a burglar may he sobbed silence in the court droned the clerk who having found his glasses now began to read the charge sheet
detailing how the prisoner had burglariously entered number thirteen audrey mansions queen's club in the early hours of that morning he was accustomed and indifferent to passionate protests from the dock the prisoner breathed heavily the clerk was detailing how the prisoner had awakened the occupant at the premises by lifting his gold watch from the table beside the bed at this juncture the prisoner burst out again it's a lie it's a lie and you all know it it's a plot i'm i'm he became inarticulate sobs of impotent rage shaking his whole body and the tears streaming down his face at that moment professor sylvanus conti entered the court smiling and alert he looked quickly towards the dock to see if his case had come on and was relieved to find that his last night's visitor was not there he had feared being late the magistrate cleared his throat and addressed the prisoner you are harming your case by this exhibition if a mistake has been made you have nothing to fear but if you continue these interruptions i shall have to send you back to the cells whilst your case is heard turning to the officer in charge of the case he inquired
is the prosecutor present the sergeant looked round and seeing professor conti replied that he was let em be sworn ordered the magistrate to his astonishment professor conti heard his name called thoroughly bewildered he walked in the direction in which people seemed to expect him to walk he took the oath with his eyes fixed as if he were fascinated upon the pathetic figure in the dock suddenly he became aware that the man was addressing him did i do it did i he asked brokenly simon's in the court called the clerk suddenly the full horror of the situation dawned upon the professor he broke out into a cold sweat as he stood petrified in the witness-box somehow or other his plan had miscarried he looked round him instinctively he thought of flight he felt that he was the culprit the passionate eager creature in the dock his accuser am i the man he heard the prisoner persisting am i no he faltered in a voice he could have sworn was not his own you say that the prisoner is not the man who entered your flat during the early hours of this morning questioned the magistrate
no sir he's not replied conti wearily miserably what had happened was he a failure please explain what happened ordered the magistrate conti did so he told how he had been awakened and how he conceived the idea of hypnotizing the burglar and making him give himself up to the police the prisoner was then sworn and related how he had been commanded in the name of the law to deliver the note at the police station how he had done so and had been promptly arrested how he had protested his innocence but without result the professor listened to the story in amazement and to the subsequent remarks of the magistrate upon quack practices and police methods with dull resignation he did not however realize the full horror of the catastrophe that had befallen him until five minutes after leaving the court when he encountered a newsvendor displaying a placard of the evening mail bearing the words professor conti's great hypnotic feat capture of an alleged burglar he then saw that he had lost his reputation his belief in his own powers his living and about fifty pounds worth of property when he reached his flat late in the afternoon he was astonished to find awaiting him a small packet that had come by post
which contained the whole of the missing property even down to the small change also the two duplicate keys that bindle had caused to be fashioned i'm a bloomin poor burglar bindle had assured himself cheerfully as he dropped the parcel containing the proceeds of his burglary into a pillar-box i returnin the swag by post i got to be careful what sort o little jokes i goes in for in the future four that evening joseph bindle sat at home in his favorite chair reading with great relish the evening post's account of the great hypnotic fiasco being at bitter enmity with the evening mail the post had given full rein to its sense of the ludicrous puffing contentedly at a twopenny cigar bindle enjoyed to the full the story so ably presented but nothing gave him so much pleasure as the magistrate's closing words he read them for the fourth time professor conti sought advertisement he has got it unfortunately for him he met a man cleverer than himself one who is something of a humorist bindle smiled appreciatively the conduct of the police in this case is reprehensible to a degree and they owe it to the public to bring the real culprit to justice with great deliberation bindle removed his cigar from his mouth placed the forefinger of his right hand to the side of his nose and winked
seem to be pleased with yourself commented mrs bindle acidly as she banged a plate upon the table to her emphasis was the essence of existence you've hit it mrs b i am pleased wi myself bindle replied he felt impervious to any negative influence what's happened to me i ask a lot of things have appened and a lot of things will go on appening as long as your old man can take an int you're a wonderful woman mrs b more wonderful than you know but you must give em some nasty jars in heaven now and then bindle rose produced from his pocket the tin of salmon that inevitably accompanied any endeavor on his part to stand up to mrs bindle then picking up a jug from the dresser he went out to fetch the supper-beer striving at one and the same time to do justice to gospel bells and his cigar End of chapter 3, read by Don W. Jenkins, Rancho San Diego, California, shaggybark.blogspot.com
