menu_book Chapter 4

chapter four of bindle by herbert jenkins this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by don w jenkins chapter four the heartys at home the atmosphere of the hearty menage was one of religious gloom to mr hearty laughter and a smiling face were the attributes of the ungodly he never laughed himself and his smile was merely the bearing of a handful of irregular yellow teeth an action that commenced and ended with such suddenness as to cast some doubt upon its spontaneity he possessed only two interests in life business and the chapel and one dread his wife's brother-in-law joseph bindle as business was not a thing he cared to discuss with his wife or eighteen-year-old daughter millie the one topic of conversation left was the chapel mr hearty was a spare man of medium height with a heavy moustache iron-gray mutton-chop whiskers and a woolly voice i never see a chap wi whiskers like that what wasn't as oly as oil was bindle's opinion mr hearty was negative in everything save piety his ideal in life was to temporize and placate and thus avoid anything in the nature of a dispute or altercation

if arty's going to be a favourite in evan bindle had once said to mrs bindle i don't think much of evan's taste in men he can't it nothing either with his fist or his tongue if you was more like him mrs bindle had retorted you might wear a top hat on sundays same as he does me in a top hat bindle had cried oly moses i can see it why my ears ain't big enough to old it up what'd i do if there was an eye wind blowin i'd spend all sunday a-chasin it up and down the street like an old woman after a black inn bindle himself was far from being pugnacious but his conception of manhood was that it should be ready to hit any head that wanted hitting he had been known to fight men much bigger than himself not because he personally had any dispute to settle with them but rather from an abstract sense of the fitness of things once when a man was mercilessly beating a horse bindle intervened and a fight had ensued which had ended only when both parties were too exhausted to continue

blimey but you ain't orf a fool joe remarked ginger to whom a fight was the one joy in life regarding with interest bindle's bruised and bleeding face as he stood sobbing for breath what d'yer do it for he wasn't urtin you it was the orse somebody had to hammer him ginger asked bindle with a wry smile an the orse couldn't then after a pause he added it ain't good for a cove to be let it things wot can't it back meals at the hearty's table were solemn affairs in which conversation had little or no part save when bindle was present mr hearty ate his food with noisy enjoyment his moustache which seemed bent on peeping into his mouth and coupled with his lugubrious appearance gave him the appearance of a tired walrus required constant attention particularly as he was extremely fond of soups and stewed foods this rendered conversation extremely difficult during the greater part of a meal he would be engaged in taking first one end and the other of his moustache into his mouth for the purpose of cleansing it this he did to the accompaniment of a prolonged sucking sound suggestive of great enjoyment

i likes to watch artie cleanin his whiskers bindle had once remarked after gazing at his brother-in-law for some minutes with great intentness he never misses an air mr hearty had got very red and for the rest of the meal refused all but solid foods bindle was a perpetual source of anxiety to mr hearty who although always prepared for the worst had invariably found that the worst transcended his expectations had he not been a christian he might have suggested cutting himself and family adrift from all association with his brother-in-law even had he been able to overcome his scruples there was the very obvious bond of affection between mrs hearty milly and uncle joe but what was more alarming there was the question of how bindle himself might view the severance mrs hearty was a woman on whom fat had descended like a plague it rendered her helpless of anything in the nature of exertion in her bindle found a kindred spirit her silent laugh which rippled down her chins until lost to sight in her ample bust never failed to inspire him to his best efforts he would tell her of his little jokes until millie would have to intervene with a timid oh uncle don't you're hurting mother

great amusement rendered mrs hearty entirely helpless both of action and of speech and to her laughter was something between an anguish and an ecstasy she was quite conscious of the stimulating effect upon bindle of her oh joe don't yet never hesitated to utter what she knew would eventually reduce her to a rippling and heaving mass of mirth she was bindle's confidante and seemed to find in the accounts of his adventures compensation for the atmosphere of repression in which she lived in her heart she regretted that her husband had not been a furniture remover instead of a greengrocer for it seemed to produce endless diversions little millie would sit on a stool at her mother's feet drinking in uncle joe's stories uttering an occasional half-laughing half-reproachful oh uncle joe if mrs hearty had a weakness for bindle's stories mrs bindle found in alfred hearty her ideal of what a man should be when a girl she had been called upon to choose between alfred hearty then a greengrocer's assistant and joseph bindle and she never quite forgave herself for having taken the wrong man in those days bindle's winning tongue had left alfred hearty without even a sporting chance

to mrs bindle her mistaken choice was the canker-worm in her heart and it was not a little responsible for her uncompromising attitude towards bindle in a moment of pride at his conquest bindle had said to hearty it's no good going after a woman with one eye on the golden gates of heaven arty that's why i won since then bindle had resented hearty's apathetic courtship which had brought about his own victory many times bindle had thought over the folly of his wooing and he always came to the same conclusion a muttered if he had ad a little more ginger he might have won they'd have made a tasty pair the result had been that mrs bindle's sister martha had caught mr hearty at the rebound and had since regretted it as much as she ever regretted anything when you're my size she would say you don't trouble much about anything it's the lean ones as worries look at lizzie lizzie was mrs bindle mrs bindle herself had been very different as a girl theatres and music-halls were not then places of sin and she was not altogether above suspicion of being a flirt

when it dawned upon her that she had made a mistake in marrying bindle and letting her sister martha secure the matrimonial prize a great bitterness had taken possession of her as mr hearty slowly climbed the ladder towards success mrs bindle's thoughts went with him he became her great interest in life no wife or mother ever watched the progress of a husband or son with keener interest or greater admiration than mrs bindle watched that of her brother-in-law gradually she began to make him her pattern to live and to die she joined the alton road chapel gave up all carnal amusements and began a careful and elaborate preparation for the next world bindle as the unconscious cause of her humiliation the supreme humiliation of a woman's life marrying the wrong man became also the victim of her dissatisfaction he watched the change marvelling at its cause and with philosophic acceptance explaining it by telling himself that women were funny things

as a girl mrs bindle had been pleasure-loving some regarded her as somewhat flighty and the course of gradual starvation of pleasure to which she subjected herself had embittered her whole nature there was however no suggestion of sentiment in her attitude towards her brother-in-law he was her standard by which she measured the failure of other men bindle in particular like all women she bowed the knee to success and alfred hardy was the most successful man she had ever encountered he had begun life on the tail-board of a parcels delivery van he was now the owner of two flourishing greengrocers shops to say nothing of being regarded as one of fulham's most worthy citizens from van boy to small greengrocer he had risen to the important position of calling on customers to solicit orders and here he had shown his first flash of genius he had cultivated every housewife and maidservant assiduously never allowing them to buy anything he could not recommend when eventually he started in business on his own account he had carefully canvassed his late employer's customers who to a woman went over to him it was that ole smile of his wot done it was bindle's opinion

when in the natural course of events his previous employer retired a bankrupt it was taken as evidence of the supreme ability of the man who had taken from him his livelihood in the administration of his own business alfred hardy had shown his second flash of genius he never allowed his own employees an opportunity of doing as he had done but by occasional personal calls upon his customers managed to convey the idea that it was he who was entirely responsible for the proper execution of their orders as a further precaution he constantly changed the rounds of his man and thus safeguarded himself from any employee playing wellington to his napoleon occasionally on sunday evenings bindle and mrs bindle would be invited to supper at the heartys in fulham high street where they lived over their principal shop mr hearty and mrs bindle would return after chapel with millie bindle invariably arranged to arrive early in order to have a talk with mrs hearty who did not go to chapel because her breath was that bad

funny thing you and lizzie bein sisters you seem to have got all the meat and left her only the bones bindle would say bindle hated anything that was even remotely connected with lemons a fruit that to him symbolized aggressive temperance mr hearty was very partial to lemon flavoring and in consequence lemon puddings lemon cakes and lemon tarts were invariably served as sweets at his table lemonade lemon cakes and lemon faces all as sour as an unkissed gal that's what a sunday night at hearty's place is bindle had confided to a mate once the chapel party returned the evening became monotonous after supper millie was sent to the harmonium and hymns were sung mrs bindle had a thin piercing voice millie a small tremulous soprano and mr hearty was what bindle called all wool and wind mrs hearty appeared to have no voice at all although her lips moved in sympathy with the singers at first bindle had been a silent and agonized spectator refusing all invitations to join in the singing he would sit his attention divided between mr hardy's curious vocal contortions suggestive of a hen drinking water and the rippling motion of mrs hardy's chins

when singing mr hardy elevated his head screwed up his eyes and raised his eyebrows the higher the note the higher went his eyebrows and the more closely he screwed up his eyes e makes faces enough for a ole band bindle had once whispered to mrs hearty who had brought the evening to a dramatic termination by incontinently collapsing a laughin an im got mixed was bindle's diagnosis it was soon after this episode that bindle hit upon a happy idea for bringing to a conclusion these to him tedious evenings mrs bindle's favourite hymn was gospel bells whereas mr hardy seemed to cherish an equally strong love for pull for the shore sailors never were these hymns sung less than three times each during the course of the evening bindle had thought of many ways of trying to end the performance once he had dexterously inserted his penknife in the bellows of the harmonium whilst looking for a pencil he was supposed to have dropped this however merely added to the horror of the situation the bloomin thing blew worse than orty he said one evening he determined to put his new idea into practice the gross volume of sound produced by the quartet with the harmonium was extremely small and bindle conceived the idea of drowning it

i'll stew em in their own juice he muttered he had no voice and very little idea either of tune or of time what he did possess he was careful to forget the first hymn in which he joined was pull for the shore sailors from the first bindle's voice proved absolutely uncontrollable it wavered and darted all over the gamut and as it was much louder than the combined efforts of the other three plus the harmonium bindle appeared to be soloist the others supplying a subdued accompaniment unity of effort seemed impossible whilst they were in the process of pulling he was invariably on the shore and when they had arrived at the shore he had just started pulling time after time they stopped to make a fresh start but without improving the general effect bindle showed great concern at his curious inability to keep with the others and suggested retiring from the contest but this mr hearty would not hear of to help matters he beat time with his hand but as his vocal attitude was one of contemplation of the ceiling generally with closed eyes he very frequently hit millie on the head causing her to lose her place and forget the petals but the result that the harmonium died away in a moan of despair

bindle however always went on all he required was the words to which he did full justice the evening was terminated by the collapse of mrs hearty on the following day bindle could not talk above a whisper one result of bindle's vocal efforts had been that invitations to spend sunday evenings with the heartys had become less frequent a circumstance on which mrs bindle did not fail to comment you're always spoiling things for me i enjoyed those evenin's she complained shouldn't have arsed me to sing bindle retorted you know i ain't a bloomin canary like you an orty to mr hearty the visits of the bindles took on a new and more alarming aspect sunday was no day for secular things and he dreaded his brother-in-law's reminiscences and comments on parsons and his views regarding religion sooner or later bindle always managed to gather the desultory threads into his own hands you oughter been a parson arty bindle remarked pleasantly one sunday evening apropos nothing so ought ginger if his language wasn't so oily spiced it's no good lookin appy if you're a parson looks as if you're makin a meal of the soup in case the fish ain't fresh

i remember moving a parson once remarked bindle puffing away contentedly at a cigar he had brought with him mr hardy did not smoke now thoroughly well launched upon a conversational monologue Leastways he was a missionary, he was due somewhere in Africa to teach niggers how uncomfortable it was to have a soul. He had to go miles into the jungle, and all his stuff had to be carried on the heads of niggers. Forty pounds a man, and the nigger a-standin' by to see it weighed, and refusing to budge if it was an ounce overweight. I never knew niggers was so cute.

This missionary was allowed about ten bundles of forty pounds each. Lord, you should have seen the collection of stuff he'd got. about four ton. The manager worked it out that about two hundred niggers would be wanted. He had his double bed. The top itself weighed seventy pounds. What a missionary wants with a double bed in the jungle does me. He gave up the bedstead idea, and he give it to me instead of

beer money. That's how Mrs. B comes to sleep in a missionary's bed. He stuck to a grandfather clock, though. Nothing would persuade him to leave it behind. The clock and weights was too much for one nigger, so I put the weights in with the tea-things." Oh, Uncle Joe, from Millie, Yes, he's got the time in the jungle, but if he wants his tea, he'll have to drink it

out of his boot. Them weights must have made an oly mess of the crockery. At this juncture, Mr. Harty made a valiant effort to divert the conversation to the forthcoming missionary tea, but Bindle was too strong for him. There was one parson, he continued, who was different from the others. He was a big gun. I moved him when he was made a dean. He'd come and sit and talk while we had our dinner,

which he used to give us. Beer, too, Artie. No lemon flavoring about him. One day I says to him, funny thing you're being a parson, sir, if you'll forgive me saying so. Why, he arsed. Well, you seem so appy, just like me and Uggles. Uggles is always grinning when he ain't drunk. He laughed as if it was the best joke he'd ever eard. If religion don't make you happy, it's the wrong religion, he says. Now look at Artie and Lizzie. Do they look appy? Mrs. Hartie and Millie looked instinctively

at the two joyless faces. They got the wrong religion, sure as eggs, pronounced Bindle, well pleased at the embarrassment on the faces of Mrs. Bindle and Mr. Hartie. I went to ear that cold preach. I liked his god better than yours, Artie. He didn't want to turn the next world into a sort of mixed grill he was all for appiness and pleasure i could be religious with a man like that parson he was too good for is job there's some people what seem to spend their time a inventing orrible punishments in the next world for the people they don't like in this i wish you'd learn out to be a before your betters remarked mrs bindle in the subdued voice she always adopted in the presence of mr hearty i'm ashamed of you bindle that i am

don't you worry mrs b ordy knows me bark's worse'n me bite don't yer ole sport mr hearty shivered but bared his teeth in token of christian forbearance and now mrs bindle it's ome and appiness and the missionary's bed as bindle was in the hall putting on his coat millie slipped out uncle she whispered will you take me to the pictures one night o course i will little millikins name the appy day friday she whispered but ask before father and uncle will you put on your hard hat and vestover coat bindle eyed his niece curiously wot's up millikins he inquired whereat millie hid her face against his sleeve i'll tell you friday you will come won't you there was a tremor in her voice and a sudden fear in her eyes at seven-thirty j b ll be ere at your ladyship's service at and all e'd put on his best face only e ain't got one that pretty face of hers ll cause arty a nasty jar one of these days muttered bindle as he and mrs bindle walked home in silence chapter four read by don w jenkins rancho san diego california shaggybark dot blogspot dot com