menu_book Chapter 19

chapter nineteen of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain belgium sister alexandra i have put a letter in your cell and will you go to mother gertrude's room after vespers thank you sister i wonder if mother gertrude remembers that i have to go down to the children at five o'clock though oh i dare say not perhaps you could get some one to replace you there shall i see if sister agnes is free thank you i will speak to mother gertrude first the nuns separated the lay sister returning to her eternal task of polishing up the brasses and gilt candlesticks of the chapel perpetually dimmed by the rain and mists of the belgian climate and alexandra clare professed religious wearily mounted the steep narrow stairs to the tiny cubicle in the large dormitory designated a cell there would just be time to fetch the letter and put it into the deep pocket of her habit before the bell rang for vespers otherwise they would have to wait till next morning for she knew there would be no spare instant for even a momentary return to the cell until she went to bed that night far too tired for anything but such rest as her pallet bed could afford

she felt little or no curiosity as to her correspondence nobody wrote to her except barbara who had kept her posted in all the general family news with fair regularity for the past nine years she recognized without elation the narrow envelope with the thin black edge affected by barbara ever since she had become the widow of ralph mcallister during the course of the war in south africa it all seemed to her very remote the fact that mother gertrude had sent for her after vespers was of far more importance than any news that barbara might have to give of the outside world that seemed so far away and unreal sister alexandra had not been very greatly moved by any echoes from without since the sudden shock of hearing of her mother's death while she herself was still a novice preparing to take final vows alex still remembered the bewilderment of seeing a black-clad sobbing schoolgirl pamela in the parlor and the frozen rigidity of grief which had masked her father's anguish barbara and ralph mcallister had been recalled from their honeymoon he still rapturous at a marriage which had been deferred for nearly two years owing to sir francis's objection to his profession and barbara drowned in decorous tears through which shone all the self-conscious glory of her wedding-ring and her new position as a married woman

alex had been thankful when those trying interviews had come to an end she had been sent to liege just before her religious profession it had mitigated the wrench of a separation from her superior although the first months spent away from mother gertrude had seemed to her unutterably long and dreary but less than a year later mother gertrude had come to the mother-house as assistant superior and the intercourse between them had been as unbroken as the rule permitted it was eight years since alex had left england but except for the extreme cold of the winter which told upon her health yearly she had grown to be quite unaware of the surroundings outside the wave of rather febrile patriotism that rolled over england at the time of the boer war left her quite untouched and no description of barbara's conveyed anything to her mind of the astoundingly wholesale demolition of old ideals that fell with the death of victoria and the succession of edward the seventh to the english throne for alex there was no change except the unseen progress of time itself she only realized how far apart she had grown from the old life when the news of her father's death reached her in the winter of nineteen o two and woke in her only a plaintive pity and self-reproachful wonder at her own absence of any acute emotion

no one came to see her in the parlour after sir francis's death for one thing she was in belgium and too far away to be easily visited and the south african casualties amongst whom had numbered barbara's young husband had familiarised them all with the ideas of death and parting so that there was little of the consternation and shock that lady isabel's death had brought to her children the house in clevedon square knew no more big receptions and elaborate at-home days but cedric already of age had taken over the headship of the household and alex had been conscious of a vague relief that she could still picture the surroundings she remembered as home for the boys and pamela even that picture had become dim and strangely elusive three years later at the thought of cedric's marriage alex had accepted it however as she accepted most things now with a passivity that carried no conviction to her mind what her outer knowledge told her was true failed to impress itself in any way upon her imagination and consequently left her feelings quite untouched to her inner vision the life outside remained exactly as she had last seen it in that summer that she still thought of as diamond jubilee year

inside the convent things had not changed looking back she could remember a faint feeling of amusement when she had returned to the house at liege at twenty-two years old believing herself to be immeasurably advanced in years and experience since her school days and had found that scarcely any alteration or modification in the rule-bound convent had taken place she now sat among the other nuns at the monthly reclame and watched the girls rise one by one in their places their hands concealed under the ugly black stuff their hair tightly and unbecomingly strained back their young faces demurely made heavy and impassive as they listened to the record read aloud just as unrelentingly as ever by old mayor alphonsine sister alexandra very rarely contributed any words of praise or blame to the judgment at first she had been young and therefore not expected to raise her voice amongst the many dignitaries present but even now when by convent standards she had attained to the maturity of middle age her opinion would have been of little value she was seldom sent among the children although she gave an english lesson to the moyenne on two evenings a week in her first year at lige there had been an american girl of fourteen who had taken a sudden rapturous liking to her

which had never proceeded beyond the initial stages since alex without explanation had merely been told to hand over the charge of the child's english and french lessons hitherto in her hands and had herself been transferred to other duties since then she had been kept on the community side of the house and employed principally by mother gertrude to assist with the enormous task of correspondence that fell to the share of the assistant superior she was taught to sew and a large amount of mending passed through her hands and was badly accomplished for lady isabel clare's daughter had learned little that could be of use to her in the life she had selected she was not even sufficiently musical to give lessons in piano or organ-playing nor had she any of the artistic talent that might be utilized for the perpetration of the various pious objets d'art that adorned the walls of the parlors or the class-room nevertheless sister alexandra was hard worked no one was ever anything else at the convent where the chanting of the daily office alone was a very considerable physical strain both in the raw cold of the early morning and at the close of the ceaselessly occupied day many of the nuns set the office apart owing to the numerous duties that called them from the chapel during the hours of praise and supplication but sister alexandra had so few outside calls upon her time that she was one of the most regular in attendance

at first her health had appeared to improve under the extreme regularity of the life and later when her final vows had been made it was no longer a subject for speculation she was not ill and therefore need never reproach herself with being a burden to her community anything else did not matter one was tired no doubt but one had made the sacrifice of one's life thus the conventual creed time had sped by with strange monotonous unperceived rapidity it was all a matter of waiting for the next thing at first alex clare had waited eagerly and nervously to be taught some mysterious secret that would enable her to become miraculously happy and good at home in clevedon square then she had gradually come to see that there would be no return that her home thenceforward would be with mother gertrude and in the convent her novitiate days had come next strange trying apprenticeship that had been lightened and comforted by the woman whose powerful and magnetic personality had never failed to assert itself and its strength belgium and the anguished waiting and hoping for orders to return to london

and the growing certainty that those orders would not come had culminated in the rush of relief and joy that heralded mother gertrude's unexpected transfer to the mother-house after that her first vows taken for a term of two years had inaugurated the long probationary period at the end of which a final and irrevocable pledge would bind her for ever to the way of the chosen few those perpetual vows were held out to her as the goal and crown of life itself and her mind had speculated not at all on what should follow she was twenty-six before she was allowed to become a professed religious according to conventional standards no longer a very young woman the delay had inflamed her ardour very much it was characteristic of alex to believe implicitly in an overwhelming transformation which should take place within her by virtue of one definite act so long anticipated as to have acquired the proportions of a miracle it sometimes seemed to her that ever since the embracing of those perpetual vows she had lived on waiting for the transformation to operate there was nothing else to wait for

the supreme act in the life of a religious to the accomplishment of which her whole being had hitherto been tending impelled at once by precept and by example had taken place the next initiation could only be obtained through death itself yet alex was still waiting she would tell herself that she was waiting for the children's summer holidays for the beginning of the new term then for the season of advent and the christmas festival for the long stretch of lenten weeks with its additional fastings and fatigue and still as each year slipped by the sense of unfulfillment remained with her dormant but occasionally stirring in the last four years she had become additionally sensible of a growing exhaustion that seemed to sap her spirit no less than the strength of her body she had waited for her weariness to culminate in a breakdown of strength that should send her to the convent infirmary when the rest that her body craved would be imposed upon her as an obligation but no such relief came to her it sometimes struck her with a feeling of wonder that such utter lassitude of flesh and spirit alike could continue with no apparent and drastic effect upon her powers of following the daily rule

but she had no time in which to think for the most part and the example of mother gertrude's unflagging energy could always shame her into uncomplaint her devotion to the elder nun had inevitably increased by the very restrictions that the convent rules placed upon their intercourse even now after so many years spent beneath the same roof the thought that she was summoned to a private interview with mother gertrude could still make her heart beat faster since the days of her novitiate there had been few such opportunities and those for the most part hurried and interrupted sister alexandra went downstairs with a lightened heart the bell from the chapel rang out its daily summons and she mechanically took off her black stuff apron folded and put it away and turned her steps down the long passage her hands were folded under her long sleeves and her head bent beneath her veil in the attitude prescribed barbara's letter lay in the depths of her pocket already forgotten her thoughts had flown ahead and she was hoping that the superior would allow her to send sister agnes in her stead to the children at five o'clock in the chapel she raised her eyes furtively to the big carved stall on a raised dais where the assistant superior had her place during the frequent absence of the superior general

mother gertrude was very often claimed in the parlour or elsewhere even during the hours of recital of the office and alex was always aware of a faint but perceptible pang of jealousy when this was the case to-night however the stately black-robed figure was present she was always upright and immovable and her eyes were always downcast to her book alex went through the psalms chanted on the accustomed single high note and was hardly conscious of a word she uttered long repetition had very soon dulled her appreciation of the words and her understanding of even church latin had never been more than superficial she had come to regard it as part of that pervading and overwhelming fatigue that she should bring nothing but a faint distaste to her compulsory religious exercises towards the close of vespers she saw a lay-sister come on tiptoe into the chapel and kneeling down beside mother gertrude's dais begin a whispered communication immediately a feverish agony of impatience invaded her no doubt some imperative summons to an interview with the parents of a nun or a child or consultation in the infirmary where two or three little girls lay with some lingering childish ailment had come to rob the superior of her anticipated free time

alex in nervous despair saw her bend her head in acquiescence the lay sister retired as noiselessly as she had come and mother gertrude closed her book the concluding versicles and prayers were spoken kneeling and alex was compelled to turn towards the high altar she was quivering from head to foot and gripped the arms of her stool in order to restrain herself from turning her head every nerve was strained in her attempt to hear any movement at the back of the chapel but she could distinguish nothing the few minutes that elapsed before the bell sounded for rising seemed to her interminable she had grown accustomed lately to the grip of these nervous agonies to which she became a prey for the most trivial of causes the modern exploitation of hysteria however was still in its embryo stage half-way between the genteel hysterics of the sixties and the suppressed neuroticism of the new century she did not diagnose her complaint with the sensation familiar to her of blood pumping from her heart to her head making her face burn while her hands and feet remained dead and cold she rose from her knees

although she had expected nothing else a feeling of sick disappointment invaded her as she saw that the superior's place had been noiselessly vacated with leaden feet she moved out of the chapel and slowly resumed the black apron and the stuffed sleeves that protected her habit in the absence of any direct order to the contrary she knew that she must take her accustomed place in the class-room of the moyenne and that the english lesson must proceed as usual a vous place she had long ago learnt to speak french fluently but never without an unmistakable british accent and intonation subconsciously she was always rather relieved on that account when the preliminaries were done with and the lesson could be given according to the rules in the english tongue simone begin please sister alexandra seated at the desk held the book open in front of her and her eyes rested upon the page but her mind took in neither the meaning of the printed words nor the sense conveyed by simone's droning inexpressive voice she wondered whether some one would come to take her place at the desk and tell her that mother gertrude was waiting for her downstairs a sudden stealthy opening of the classroom door made her look up with a flash of hope but it was only a little girl late for her lesson and sidling in hoping to escape notice

alex did not even trouble to give her the accustomed bad mark it would have meant opening her desk and pulling out the mistress's note-book and looking for a pencil and she felt too tired in her earlier days at the convent she would have felt ashamed at the thought of yielding to such slothful unconcern and would have magnified the omission into a sin to be confessed with shame to mother gertrude now she was too tired to care and besides she never saw mother gertrude even the poor little half-hour that had been held out to her was not to be hers after all she brooded in resentment over the thought a titter going round the room roused her what are you saying simone simone stared back at her stupidly but another keen-faced girl in the front row of desks spoke eagerly she's said nearly all through the lesson there's nothing left for any one else to say you can repeat it afterwards said alex coldly she was vexed that her inattention should have been betrayed to the class and presently she gave her full attention to the recital just as it was over the young novice sister agnes came into the room and approaching the desk spoke to alex in a lowered voice

mother gertrude sent me sister will you go down to her and wait in her room she will come in a moment i am to take the children back to the study-room for you thank you said alex trembling the revulsion of feeling was so strong that she felt the cords tightening in her throat which denoted approaching tears such as she often shed for no adequate reason she left the room the assistant superior's room on the ground floor was vacant alex sat down on the low rush-bottomed chair drawn close to the superior's table and closed her eyes now that her agony of suspense was ended she became even more overwhelmingly conscious of fatigue and began to wonder almost against her will whether mother gertrude would not notice it and perhaps tell her that she was to go to bed after supper and not come to the recital of office in the chapel she wondered whether she looked tired there were no looking-glasses in the convent but sometimes she had seen her own reflection in the big full-length mirror of the sacristy and she knew that she had lost her colour and that her face had grown thin with heavy black circles underneath her eyes she knew too that her step had lost any elasticity and that she stooped far more than in the days when lady isabel had implored her to hold up so that her pretty frocks might be seen to advantage

waiting in the small room with its carefully closed window and the big writing-table stacked with papers and a great crucifix standing upright in the midst of them she began for the first time to speculate as to the reason of her summons it occurred to her with a slight sense of shock that such a summons in the case of nun or novice had very often been the prelude to an announcement of bad news such as the death of a relative at home hastily she pulled out barbara's letter and glanced through it there was no hint of approaching disaster in the rather set little phrases and the four small sheets were mostly concerned with the fact that barbara was finding it necessary to move into a still smaller house than the one that she and ralph had taken at hampstead after their improvident marriage pamela was at clevedon square with cedric and his wife she was going to heaps of parties and every one thought her very pretty and amusing there was no mention of archie and alex hastily ransacked her memory as to his whereabouts since the first year of her novitiate in london she had never seen her youngest brother and although she felt a fleeting sorrow at the thought of harm having befallen him her tenderness was for the little curly-haired boy in a sailor suit with whom she had played and quarrelled in the clevedon square nursery and not for the unknown youth of later years

as she speculated the well-known tread of the assistant superior sounded down the corridors a hasty decisive footstep alex sprang to her feet as the door opened oh what is it she cried at the first sight of the superior's face the strong lined countenance suffused with agitation bore every mark of violent disturbance her deep voice however was as well under control as ever although strong emotion underlay its vibrant quality my little sister you have a big sacrifice before you i cannot pretend to think that it will not cost you dear as it will me but we know who asks it of us what gasped alex again utterly at a loss but feeling the blood ebb from her face our mother-general has appointed me as superior to the new house in south america the boat sails at the end of this week chapter nineteen