menu_book Chapter 25

chapter twenty five of consequences by e m delafield this librivox recording is in the public domain violet for days and nights to come the question of the money that barbara had paid for her clothes weighed upon alex she had no idea how she was to repay her the money that had been given her in rome for her journey to england had only lasted her to charing cross and even her cab fare to hampstead had been supplemented by barbara alex remembered it with fresh dismay even when she had left downshire hill and was in clevedon square again the thought lashed her with a secret terror until one day she said to cedric what ought i to do cedric to get my fifty pounds a year who do i get it from don't pomfrey and scott send it half-yearly i thought that was the arrangement you gave them your change of address i suppose oh no said alex gently i've never written to them except once just after father died to ask them to make the cheques payable to the superior what on earth made you do that they thought it was best you see i had no banking account so the money was paid into the community's account i see cedric remarked dryly well the sooner you write and revoke that arrangement the better when did they last send you a cheque in june i don't know alex was forced to say feeling all the time that cedric must be thinking her a helpless unpractical fool

write and find out and meanwhile i say alex have you enough to go on with i-i haven't any money cedric in rome they gave me enough for my travelling expenses but nothing is left of that but what have you done all this time i suppose you've wanted clothes and things i got some with barbara but they aren't paid for and there are some other things i need you see i haven't got anything at all not even stamps said alex forlornly violet said something about taking me to some shops with her but i suppose all her places are very expensive they are dashed expensive cedric admitted with a short laugh but look here alex will you let me advance you what you want it couldn't be helped of course but the whole arrangement comes rather hard on you as things are now you see poor barbara is really as badly off as she can be ralph was a most awful ass between ourselves and muddled away the little he had and she gets pretty nearly nothing except a widow's pension which was very small and the money father left if you'll believe me ralph didn't even insure his life before going to south africa of course he didn't go to fight but on the staff of one of the big papers and it was supposed to be a very good thing and then what did he do but go and get dysentery before he'd been there a fortnight cedric's voice held all the pitying scorn of the successful

poor barbara said alex that's just what she is of course i think myself that pamela will make your share over to you again when she marries she's not likely to make a rotten bad match like barbara far from it but until then she can't do anything you know at least not until she's of age if then cedric stopped and his right hand tapped with his spectacles on his left hand in the little characteristic trick that was so like sir francis alex had already heard him make much the same observations but she realized that cedric had retained all his old knack of reiteration i see she said well my dear the long and the short of it is that you must let me be your banker for the time being and-and alex said cedric with a most unwonted touch of embarrassment breaking into his kind assured manner you needn't mind taking it theres theres plenty of money here there is really nowadays alex realized afterwards that it would hardly have occurred to her to mind taking the twenty pounds which cedric offered her with such patent diffidence she had never known the want of money either in her clevedon square days or during her ten years of convent life she did not realize its value in the eyes of other people

the isolation of her point of view on this and other kindred subjects gradually became evident to her her scale of relative values had remained that which had been set before her in the early days of her novitiate that held by her present surroundings differed from it in almost every particular and more especially in degree of concentration all violet's warm healthy affection for rosemary did not prevent her intense preoccupation with her own clothes and her own jewels or her innocently assured conviction that no one was ever in london during the month of august and that to be so would constitute a calamity all cedric's pride in his wife and love for her in no way lessened his manifest satisfaction at his own success in life and at the renovated fortunes of the house of clare both he and violet found their recreation in playing bridge cedric at his club and violet in her own house or at the houses of what seemed to alex an infinite succession of elaborately gowned friends with all of whom she seemed to be on exactly the same terms of an unintimate affection violet at night when she dismissed her maid and begged alex to stay and talk to her until cedric came upstairs which he never did until past twelve o'clock was adorable

she listened to alex's incoherent nervous outpourings which alex herself knew to be vain and futile from the very longing which possessed her to make herself clear and said no word of condemnation or of questioning at first the gentle pressure of violet's soft hand on her hair and her low sympathetic murmuring voice soothed alex to a sort of worn-out tearful gratitude in which she would nightly cry herself to sleep it was only as she grew slowly physically stronger that the craving for self-expression which had tormented her all her life woke again did violet understand she would reiterate her explanations and dissections of her own past misery with a growing consciousness of morbidity and a positive terror lest violet should at last repulse however gently the endless demand for an understanding that alex herself perpetually declared to be impossible it now seemed to her that nothing mattered so long as violet understood and by that understanding restored to alex in some degree her utterly shattered self-respect and self-confidence

this dependence grew the more intense as she became more aware how unstable was her foothold in the world of normal life with the consciousness of an enormous and grotesque mistake behind her mingled all the convent tradition of sin and disgrace attached to broken vows and the return to an abjured world one night she said to violet i didn't do anything wrong in entering the convent it was a mistake and i'm bearing the consequence of the mistake but it seems to me that people find it much easier to overlook a sin than a mistake well i'd rather ask a divorcee to lunch than a woman who ate peas off her knife violet admitted candidly that's what i mean there's really no place for people who've made bad mistakes anywhere if you mean yourself alex dear you know there's always a place for you here just as long as you're happy with us only i'm sometimes afraid that it's not quite the sort of life after all you've been through you poor dear i know people do come in and out a good deal and it will be worse than ever when pam is at home violet you're very good to me you're the only person who has seemed at all to understand

my dear i do understand really i think i do it's just as you say you made a mistake when you were very young much too young to be allowed to take such a step in my opinion and you're suffering the most bitter consequences but no one in their senses could blame you either for going into that wretched place or still less for coming out of it one is always blamed by some one i think for every mistake people would rather forgive one for murder than for making a fool of oneself forgiveness said violet thoughtfully it's rather an overrated virtue in my opinion i don't think it ought to be very hard to forgive any one one loved anything would you forgive anything violet i think so said violet looking rather surprised unless i were deliberately deceived by some one whom i trusted that's different of course one might perhaps forgive even then in a way but it wouldn't be the same thing again ever no said alex no of course not every one feels the same about deceit in the depths of her own consciousness alex was groping dimly after some other standard some elusive certainty that continually evaded her were not those things which were hardest to forgive the most in need of forgiveness

alex with the self-distrust ingrained in the unstable wondered if that question were not born of the fundamental weakness in her own character which had led her all her life to evade or pervert the truth in a passionate fear lest it should alienate from her the love and confidence that she craved for from others sometimes she thought violet will find me out and then she will stop being fond of me and knowing that her claim on violet's compassion was the strongest link that she could forge between them she would dilate upon the mental and physical misery of the last two years telling herself all the time that she was trading on her sister's pity her days in clevedon square were singularly empty after violet had tried the experiment of taking alex about with her to the houses of one or two old friends and alex had come back trembling and nearly crying and begging never to go again her nerves were still utterly undependable and her health had suffered no less than her appearance violet would have taken her to see a doctor but alex dreaded the questions that he would of necessity put to her and cedric who distrusted inherently the practice of any science of which he himself knew nothing declared that rest and good food would be her best physicians sometimes she went to see barbara at hampstead but seldom willingly one of her visits there was the occasion for a stupid childish lie of which the remembrance made her miserable

alex amongst other unpractical disabilities was as entirely devoid as it is possible to be of any sense of direction she had never known how to find her way about and would turn as blindly and instinctively in the wrong direction as a dartmoor pony turns tail to the wind for ten years she had never been outside the walls of the convent alone and when she had lived in london as a girl she could not remember ever having been out of doors by herself violet always driven everywhere in her own motor and accustomed to pamela's modern resourcefulness and independence never took so childish an inability into serious consideration alex dear barbara hoped you'd go down to her this afternoon will you do that or come to ranley the only thing is if you wouldn't mind going to hampstead in a taxi i shall have to use the mercedes and the little car is being cleaned of course i shouldn't mind i'll go to barbara i think just whichever you like best and you'll be back early won't you because we're dining at seven and you know how ridiculous cedric is about punctuality and the servants and all that sort of thing

after violet had gone in all her soft elaborate laces and flower-wreathed hat alex with every instinct of her convent training set against the extravagance of a taxi started out on foot rejoicing that a sunny july day should give her the opportunity of enjoying pamela's boasted delight the top of an omnibus she took the wrong one discovered her mistake too late and spent most of the afternoon in bewilderedly retracing her own footsteps finally she found a taxi and arrived at downshire hill very tired and after five o'clock Barbara was shocked, as Alex had known she would be, at the taxi. Violet is so inconsiderate. Because she can afford taxis as a matter of course herself,

she never thinks that other people can't. I know myself how every shilling mounts up. I'll see you into an omnibus when you go, Alex. It takes just under an hour, and you need only change once. But that change took place at the junction of four roads,

all of them seething with traffic. And again Alex was hopelessly at sea, and boarded at last an omnibus that conveyed her swiftly in the wrong direction. She was late for dinner, and when Cedric inquired, with his assumption of the householder whose domestic routine has been flung out of gear, what had delayed her, she stammered and said that

Barbara had kept her. She hadn't let her start early enough, had mistaken the time. It was just such a lie as a child might have told in the fear of ridicule or blame, and she told it badly as a child might have told it, stammering with a frightened widening of her eyes, so that even easy-going Violet looked momentarily puzzled. Alex despised and hated herself. She knew vaguely that her sense of proportion was disorganized. She was a woman of thirty-one, and her faults,

her judgments and appreciations, even her mistakes, were those of an ill-regulated, unbalanced child of morbid tendencies. When Pamela came back to Clevedon Square, alex was first of all afraid of her and then became jealous of her she was jealous of pam's self-confidence of her enormous security in her own popularity and success jealous even of the innumerable common interests and the mutual love of enjoyment that bound her and violet together she was miserably ashamed of her feelings and sought to conceal them none the less as she became aware of a certain shrewdness of judgment underlying all pamela's breezy vitality in joie de vivre she and her sister had nothing in common to pamela alex evidently appeared far removed from herself as a being of another generation less of a contemporary than pretty sought-after violet or than little rosemary in her joyous healthy play

pamela could accompany violet everywhere always radiantly enjoying herself and receiving endless congratulations thinly disguised as raillery on her universal popularity and the charm that she seemed to radiate at will she could play whole-heartedly with rosemary thoroughly enjoying a romp for its own sake and making even cedric laugh at her complete abandon don't you like children pamela asked alex looking up from the nursery floor where she was playing with her niece yes i like them said alex somberly she had been reflecting bitterly that she would have known how to play with a baby of her own but with pamela and the nurse in the room she was afraid of picking up rosemary and making a fuss with her as pam was doing afraid with the terrible insecurity of the self-conscious and she never would have babies of her own now the thought had tormented her often of late watching violet with her child and pamela with her own radiantly secure future that would hold home and happiness as her rights but alex concealed her thoughts even as far as possible from herself the married woman who has denied children may lament her deprivation and receive compassion but the spinster whose lot forbids her the hope must either conceal her regrets or know herself to be accounted morbid and indelicate

i like babies while they're small pam remarked don't i you little horror of a niece other people's you know i don't know that i should want any of my own they're all very well when they're tiny but i can't bear them at the tell me a story stage i make it a rule never to tell the children stories at the houses where i stay i always say the very first evening that i don't know any then they know what to expect some girls let themselves be regularly victimised if they want to please the children's mother and get asked again i must say i do hate that sort of thing myself and i don't believe it really does any good men are generally frightfully bored by the sort of girl who's perfectly wonderful with children they'd much rather have one who can play tennis or who's good at bridge pamela laughed comfortably at her own cynicism i must say i do think it pays one to be honest in the long run i always say exactly what i feel myself and don't care what any one thinks of me alex felt a dull anger at her sister's self-complacent statement of what she knew to be the truth pamela could afford to be frank and her boast seemed to alex to cast an oblique reflection on herself

she gazed at her without speaking wretchedly conscious of her own unreason look at aunt alix baby mischievously exclaimed pam in a loud whisper we're rather afraid of her when she pulls a long face like that aren't we have we been naughty do you think alex tried to laugh contorting her lips stiffly pamela jumped up from the floor really and truly you know alex she gravely told her sister you ought to try and make things less au i think you'd be much happier if you'd only cultivate a sense of humour we all think so then she ran out of the room alex sat still so they all thought that she ought to cultivate a sense of humour she felt herself to be ridiculous in their eyes with her eternal air of tragedy her sombre despair in the midst of their gay good-humoured conventions that admitted of everything except of weighty unseasonable gloom pamela's spontaneous and unwearied high spirits seemed to throw her own dejection into greater relief her own utter social incompetence she began to long for the end of july when the household in clevedon square would be dispersed for the remainder of the summer

pamela talked incessantly of a yachting invitation which she had received for august and spoke of the difficulty of sandwiching in country-house visits for autumn shooting parties and alex knew that violet's people were taking a house in scotland and wanted her and cedric and the baby to make it their headquarters she wondered with a sense of impending crisis what would happen to her at last cedric said to her have you any particular plans for always alex i want to get violet up north as soon as possible she's done so much rushing about lately i wish you could come with us my dear but we're going to the temples that's the worst of not having a place of one's own in the country oh said alex faintly don't bother about me cedric i shall find somewhere he looked dissatisfied but said only well you'll talk it over with violet i know she's been vexed at seeing so little of you lately but pamela's an exacting young woman and chaperoning her is no joke i wish she'd hurry up and get settled all this rushing about is too much for violet i thought she liked it so she does anyhow said cedric with an odd shy laugh she'd like anything that pleased somebody else she's made like that i've never known her anything but happy like sunshine

then he flung a half-smoked cigarette into the fireplace looked awkward at his own unusual expression of feeling and abruptly asked alex if she'd seen the newspaper alex crept away wondering why happiness should be accounted a virtue she loved violet with a jealous exclusive affection and admiration but she thought enviously that she too could have been like sunshine if she had received all that violet received she too would have liked to be always happy she had her talk with violet there was the slightest shade of wistfulness in violet's gentleness i wish we'd made you happier but i really believe quiet is what you want most and things aren't ever very quiet here especially with pam i simply love having her but i'm not sure she's the best person for you just now i don't feel i know her very well i mean i'm not at all at home with her she makes me realise what a stranger i am to the younger ones after all these years poor alex you're much more like my sister than she is and yet a year ago i didn't know you alex dear i'm so glad if i'm a comfort to you but i wish you wouldn't speak in that bitter way about poor little pamela it seems so unnatural violet's whole healthy instinct was always alex had already discovered to tend towards the normal the outlook of well-balanced sanity

she was instinctively distressed by abnormality of any kind i didn't really mean it said alex hurriedly with the old fatal instinct of propitiation and read descent into the silence that received her announcement it was the subconscious hope of rectifying herself in violet's eyes that made her add a moment later couldn't barbara have me for a little while when you go up to scotland i think she would be quite glad of course she would she's often lonely isn't she and you think you'd be happy with her oh yes said alex eagerly bent on showing violet that she had no unnatural aversion from being with her own sister but violet still looked rather troubled you remember that you found it rather difficult there when you first got back you said then that barbara and you had never understood one another even as children oh but that will all be different now said alex confused and knowing that her manner was giving an impression of shiftiness from her very consciousness that she was contradicting herself as pamela's claims and her own ceaseless fear of inadequacy made her increasingly unsure of violet alex became less and less at ease with her the old familiar fear of being disbelieved gave uncertainty to every word she uttered and she could not afford to laugh at pam's merciless amusement in pointing out the number of times that she contradicted herself

violet always hushed pamela but she looked puzzled and rather distressed and her manner towards alex was more compassionate than ever alex with the impetuous unwisdom of the weak one day forced an issue violet do you trust me my dear child what do you mean why shouldn't i trust you are you thinking of stealing my pearls but alex could not smile do you believe everything that i say violet looked at her and asked very gently what makes you ask alex you're not unhappy about the nonsense that child pamela sometimes talks are you no not exactly it's-it's just everything alex looked miserable tongue-tied oh alex do try and take things more lightly you make yourself so unhappy poor child with all this self-torment can't you take things as they come more the counsel found unavailing echo in alex's own mind she knew that her mental outlook was wrenched out of all gear and she knew also in some dim undefined way that a worn-out physical frame was responsible for much of her self-inflicted torment of mind

sometimes she wondered whether the impending solution to her whole destiny still hanging over her would find her on the far side of the abyss which separates the normal from the insane the days slipped by and then just before the general dispersal pamela suddenly announced her engagement to lord richard gunvale the youngest and by far the wealthiest of her many suitors oh pam pam cried violet laughing why couldn't you wait till after we'd left town but everyone was delighted and congratulations and letters and presents and telegrams poured in pamela declared that she would not be married until the winter and refused to break her yachting engagement she was more popular than ever now and everyone laughed at her delightful originality and gazed at the magnificence of the emerald and diamond ring on her left hand and alex began to hope faintly that perhaps when pamela was married things might be different at clevedon square then one night just before she was to go to hampstead she overheard a conversation between cedric and his wife

she was on the stairs in the dark and they were in the lighted hall below and from the first instant that cedric spoke alex lost all sense of what she was doing and listened they're wearing you out pam and alex between them i won't have any more of it i tell you no no my dear old goose of course they're not violet's soft laughter came up to alex's ears with a muffled sound as though her head were resting against cedric's shoulder anyhow it isn't pam i'm delighted about her of course only alex i wish she was happier and why isn't she you're a perfect angel to her said cedric resentfully i'm so sorry for her only it's difficult sometimes her feeling like shifting sands one doesn't know what to be at with her if only she said what she wanted or didn't want right out but it's that awful anxiety to please poor darling she always was like that from our nursery days you never could get the rights of a matter out of her plain black or white she'd say one thing one day and another the next always that's what i find so difficult it's impossible to do anything for a person like that it's the one thing i can't understand pack her off to hampstead to-morrow cedric observed gruffly i will not have you bothered

oh cedric i'm not bothered how can you she'll be going next week anyway poor dear and it may be easier for her to be herself with barbara who's her own sister after all but i don't know what about afterwards when we get back you'll have quite enough to think about with pam's wedding without alex on your hands as well violet said cedric with a note in his voice that alex had never heard there when i think of the way you've behaved all my wretched family alex did not hear violet's answer which was very softly spoken she had turned and gone away upstairs in the dark chapter twenty five